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Thread: Living with the Ex during Lockdown...

  1. #1
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    Living with the Ex during Lockdown...

    I first discovered my ex was ‘Emotionally Cheating’ with her married boss for quite some time and we have since spit up from our 10 year relationship. i really don’t trust her anymore and don’t know who she is. We have lived together for most of this time in my family home which we bought together from my family, therefore I have decided to stay on and buy her out. Due to waiting to change the mortgage and most recently the virus lockdown its now almost 6 months since we split but live together.

    We have been amicable living together however I have many down days as obviously things are amplified during the lockdown - there is just no escape!
    I still have a suspicion that she is talking to her boss who has since split from his wife and most recently my ex has been coming home and sneaking in at 2-3am, not only is this waking me but we are in lockdown, I don’t care who she is seeing whether a friend or lover however i find this awkward and disrespectful from her.

    I went on a few dates before lockdown however i am respectful enough not to talk on the phone to anyone in the house and i’ve stopped completely due to lockdown as there is no point. It also gives me an opportunity to work on myself.

    After doing some research i believe her to be a Narcissist and Perfectionist and even though she has cheated on me she has said some awful things. She is quite cruel with her words and thinks she is ‘extra special’. She really has changed from when we first dated and now looks down on me. There has been a power shift , you’d think it was me who had done the cheating the way she treats me. I really don’t believe she thinks she has done anything wrong and when talking one day she was putting me down and implying her cheating was my fault, (I thought surely not) so i called her bluff and apologised (yes me apologising for her actions) to which she replied “I’m glad you are learning from your mistakes”. ('Ive been faithful to her all along, never hit her or done anything bad).

    I know there is light at the end of the tunnel and I am working on myself daily to try and keep a positive mind. Just that i sometimes have these off days where i don’t need constant reminders of what she’s up to. It makes it difficult to heal and move on until she’s finally out of my home and life!

  2. #2
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    Yuck! I’m sorry you’re going through this.

    Ten years is a long time! I was in a ten year relationship that ended not so good five years ago. It takes a long time to heal but you do get over it. The disadvantage of a long term relationship is if you don’t grow together during that length of time you end up changing quite drastically and growing apart. This is why she’s unrecognizable from who you used to know.

    Still gives her no excuse to cheat and treat you during this time poorly.

    Is there anyway of avoiding her? Could you ask her to just stay at her boss’s? If that’s where she’s going anyway? Just so you have the house to yourself.

    I would suggest kicking her out but she owns part of the house. Would you be willing to leave to stay at a friends or with family during this time period?

    Those are just some options I could think of.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    In most places, the lockdown doesn't actually stop people from moving residences.

    Even before that...it's been a long time since you split, so what's stopping her from moving out? It would be less awkward for the both of you and if I were you I'd frame the conversation that way. Don't talk about yourself, tell her in rosy terms how much her life would be better if she moved out now. If she is narcissistic, that is one way to handle and motivate them - self interest. If you can find a way to talk up how great her life will be once she moves out....you might find her gone pretty fast.

    Overall, it's great that you are so well grounded and fully understand that you didn't make her cheat. You didn't. Nobody has the power to make someone else cheat, but cheaters love to blameshift and lie, no matter how absurd their lies are.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    I moved during the lockdown. Lots of people are. You wouldn't believe how many moving trucks I've seen on the road.

    Is she paying half the mortgage?

    I had someone I used to be involved with living with me. I wanted him to move out so I told him that since he was leaving most nights he obviously had somewhere to stay, so I needed him to move there. He did.

    Can you buy her out now? If so, do so and then have her sign a quit claim so she's no longer on the title.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. This arrangement is untenable if you are acting like hostile exes rather than roommates. It hurting both of you. Expedite the paperwork and buy her out asap so you can get the ball rolling. Forget her cheating, forget her personality and don't pay attention to her coming and going. If it's over you both can date whoever you want and come and go however you wish. If it's not over, either makeup or breakup.

    Start the process of dividing assets, property, furniture, and start packing her up. Stop pulling her onto fights about the relationship. If it's over, it's over and focus on the business of moving her out. Has she found a place? Have you paid her/set up a payment plan? Have you contacted your bank? Has she looked for a place? ONLY talk business. Otherwise do not engage in emotional chitchat. Just keep it business and act like roommates.
    Originally Posted by anewhope
    I have decided to stay on and buy her out. Due to waiting to change the mortgage and most recently the virus lockdown its now almost 6 months since we split but live together.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Does she have a plan to move out? You're taking over the mortgage, as you say. That's the next logical step for both of you, physical separation. I think this would be ideal. Can you borrow money from your parents or your family to buy her out now?

    I agree with working together on the mortgage as a business and don't delve into each others' personal lives. The quicker and more efficiently you can both move on with your lives the better this will be for both of you.

    I recently left and separated from our family home and bought a house much closer to the hub of where I work and do business. It's not the end of the world. You both can get through this. As soon as you begin to see or feel disrespect is when you start to lay claim over the ongoings of your ex or your partner. Let go of that. Work on separating your assets and finances. The break up means that you break up not only with the romantic aspect of the relationship. It also means you break up with the issues that the relationship had and the emotions that you used to have or hold over that person. Let go.

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    Platinum Member lostandhurt's Avatar
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    This is the perfect time to buy her out. Mortgage rates are super low and the appraisal right now won't be to high so you are in a awesome position to get this done today!

    She is a cheater and that is all you need to know. Who cares why or how she acts just as long as you get her out of your life as soon as possible.

    If both your names are on the mortgage then you will need to get a new loan to get her off the title. You should call the company you used to buy the house today and get the ball rolling.

    The pandemic has not stopped anyone that wants to move from moving and it hasn't stopped people from getting refinanced or new loans. You are the one holding this up so do yourself a huge favor and get her out of your life asap.

    All this other stuff is just noise. Your number one goal is to get the house in your name and get her out or your life. If you share cell phone plans, credit cards, payments on furniture or anything else get started on those as well.

    You are expecting her to be sorry, be truthful, treat you decent and act like a good person but you know she cheated on you with a married man, lied to you and puts you down. She is being who she is and expecting something other from a cheater is foolish.

    Stop wasting time and get on it today.

    Lost

  9. #8
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    This sounds like a really difficult situation for you. I feel for you. It is really hard to live with someone who hurt you so badly and to be continually hurt time and again due to close quarters. There is no mistake that her cheating is undeniably wrong. However, I would be careful not to react to her defensiveness. True narcisism is very rare. It is more likely she knows what she has done is wrong and feels extreme guilt over it, so she puts those negative feelings onto you to make herself feel better as a form of mental protection. It doesn't make it right to do that to you. There is no need to be mean and make you feel bad like this. Understand this is a natural defense when people feel attacked. She clearly feels under attack and is on the defense, which makes you understandably defensive as well.

    My question to ask yourself is: what do you want? Clearly you want to be away from her, but there are obstacles in the way. So, what would you rather: to use any means to get away or to be open/honest/rebuild some kind of functional cohabitating relationship with her? I don't necesssrily mean rebuild a romantic relationship, unless if that's what you truly want. I mean to come to some kind of understanding in order to live more peacefully together. You are doing a disservice to yourself and her by just blindly apologizing without meaning it. Be honest with your feelings. Tell her what you said here; that you feel hurt from the cheating on you and that perhaps you may not have been perfect in the relationship and apologize for hurting her feelings regarding that and want to talk about it. That you are continually hurt by getting all the blame placed solely on you, despite recognizing you had a part to play before the cheating, which the cheating is not your fault but the breakdown of communication you recognize has a part to play. It takes two to make a relationship to work. Talk about how you each feel what lead to the breakdown of the relationship. Keep in mind you should not be blamed, as a victim of being cheated on. It is likely before she cheated, she didn't communicate issues that led up to it. Again, the cheating is not your fault, but owning a part of the responsibility of the breakdown of communication in the relationship leads to a more functional dialogue to help repair a relationship (friendship, romantic, or otherwise). You don't need to get back together or anything if you don't want to, but talking in a more functional manner promotes healing. You need to heal and she needs to heal from this. It is therapeutic and I recommend it if you feel like you can do so. You deserve to feel better about the situation.

    I hope this makes sense. There is a lot you guys need to talk about that is not mentioned here in order to repair the damage towards a more functional conversation. It is going to be hard. Blaming each other will not lead to a better understanding. Seeing how each of you had a part in the breakdown of communciation will. Expressing what specifically is hurting you will help her realize just that and if she cares about you then she will want to stop doing that to you and may accept responsibility. She did break your trust and wrongly cheated on you, however being open with your heart on how this hurt you and how you recognize and want to understand her side will help her be more honest with you to have a better conversation. I probably butchered this, but please either consult a therapist in order to cope with this properly or do some self care by reading self help books. I recommend listening to the Psychology in Seattle podcast, which has greatly helped me and perhaps it will help you. Surely it will explain the psychology behind people's behaviors more effectively than I can, since I'm still learning myself. I'm sorry for your hurt and I hope you take good care of yourself!


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