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Thread: Girlfriend has an alcohol problem

  1. #1
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    Girlfriend has an alcohol problem

    I have been with my girlfriend now for nearly 18 months and things have been great. The only thing we ever argued about was that she has always been a nightmare when she is drunk. She doesn't have a dependency to alcohol but she clearly has a problem still. It seems she has no off button, and doesn't have any self control and gets too drunk, if I am with her, she will be rude to me, if she is drunk without me, I always worry as she does stupid things gets too drunk and loses things, gets lost, argues with people etc. Fyi she is 29 years old, not 18 haha.
    Recently I confronted her and gave her an ultimatum, me or alcohol. I hated to do this, but I am at the point where I am so happy when she is sober, and when she is drunk, I am always so anxious. Anyway, she picked me, and agreed it needs to stop. 3 weeks later and we have not argued once, she has been great. However, she has been smoking weed. Now admittedly she smoked a bit before, and she is never irresponsible on weed, but she is still better when sober. Should I let this slide, or should this be included in the ultimatum? I really don't know. I feel like as long as it's every now and then, it's not an issue, if it replaces alcohol, then really she is making no sacrifice to help our relationship is she. I am stuck as to how I should even ben feeling right now, feeling a cross between betrayed, but also a little embarrassed that I'm actually annoyed about this atall. Any thoughts?

  2. #2
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    You have to stick to whatís true to you. If alcohol and weed are dealbreakers for you. There are plenty of other girls out there who donít drink or smoke or do drugs! I personally canít be with someone who smokes or drinks.

    If you feel in your gut sheís replacing one addiction with another then I do say cut ties. She wonít change but you can change the situation by no longer being in it.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Ultimatums don't work. Splitting hairs about which drug, drink etc is worse is nonsense. Problem drinking is defined as Causing problems.

    Too many people think alcoholism, alcohol dependence and problem drinking is for bums in alley sucking out of paper bags so distance themselves from that stereotype with type of gyrations you are doing.

    The truth is most people with problem drinking (not physical dependence) are the guy next door, the woman at work, etc.

    For her: [Register to see the link]

    For you: [Register to see the link]

  4. #4
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    There's a reason she's relying on alcohol or weed. It's up to her if she wants to see a professional about this.

    Certainly check out the links Wiseman suggested and see if she's willing to seek help. You don't have to put up with her behaviour.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Both of you, not just her, need support if you are going to work together as a team. This is not an easy road. At 18 months you're really going to have to think long and hard how invested you are in this relationship.

    Decide whether you're able to be part of that support she needs. You both may need to go your separate ways if she is dealing with more than you are willing to handle.

    Whatever you decide is fine. Just make sure that you are informed and spend some time thinking about whether this is something you can live with.

  7. #6
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    Some people have a proclivity for addiction. It seems that she has an addictive personality based on your description. You need to let her go if it is a deal
    breaker for you.

  8. #7
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    Accept that she has a dependency issue. She may behave for a few weeks, but ultimate, unless she decides to get help, she will relapse. All it will take is for you to be away on business, something stressful happens or she gets comfortable. Things are not "Great" - you are dating an alcoholic. And she does have a dependency because she traded one thing for another addiction. If you stay with her, you are in for years of this

  9. #8
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    The problem with ultimatums is that they push another into a corner, where they will resent you. That resentment will eventually come out sideways in one form or another.

    Resentent is a horrible foundation to build anything upon.

    You say,
    she is never irresponsible on weed...
    So decide what the problem 'must' be. Define it for yourself.

    From there you have clarity. You get to decide whether the problem is a dealbreaker for you, or not.

    If so, walk away. If not, then don't turn it into one prematurely.

    You get to pick. None of us are in your shoes, so we don't get a vote.

    If you have some specific problem with the weed use, then identify exactly what that is for your own clarity. From THERE, let us know, and we can help with whether you have a real argument or not--and how to approach that.

    Head high, and be well.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    This girl has an addiction problem. She feels it necessary to be ingesting some kind of alcohol or drug. You're going to have to realize, that it's unlikely she will ever be okay with being totally sober.

    Besides the fact that smoking weed is pretty damn gross. It stinks and not many people would date a 'pothead'.

    You need to decide what kind of girlfriend you want and what you're willing to put up with. If it were me, I would have sent her packing already. She sounds immature and irresponsible.
    That's the kind of crap teenagers pull, not grown women.

  11. #10
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    OP, she has an underlying problem with dependence on substances.

    Telling her to give up weed will not solve the real issue here. She is likely to seek out another drug to rely on, or go back to drinking bit by bit. Even if she's not doing it frequently, she doesn't seem to know how to use without it creating problems. She needs to address the reasons why she turns to the bottle or other substances.

    Your ultimatum is not a long-term solution.

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