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Thread: I'm crushed, he said Please give me time

  1. #11
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    Originally Posted by DancingFool
    Yes, well the part you are missing is that he picked her and decided to date her and that's entirely on him. He makes these toxic choices and you are a shoulder to cry on and vent to. Damaged people chose damaged people.

    If you take a step back, you'll realize that not only is he not relationship material, but he might not be that great of a friend either.
    Thatís whatís Iím scared of... I value his him & his friendship.

  2. #12
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    Originally Posted by RunnerGrlX
    Thatís whatís Iím scared of... I value his him & his friendship.
    Too bad he does not value you and your friendship.

  3. #13
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    Runner,

    What is with the widows? You are in your 30's and have dated two within the last year.

  4. #14
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    Look personally I would try to get over him and date other men. Sorry to be blunt. If he was married to his wife for a long time and he really loved her, three years since her passing is not really enough to be totally fine and over it. And especially when someone dies, the grief is immense. To be perfectly honest it sounds like you have feelings for him, but he just likes you as a good friend and support person to him. That's why he was leaning on you since his wife died and through the break up with his ex. It kind of sounds like you're in the friend zone but he likes to have you around when it doesn't work out with another woman.

    The reason why he probably doesn't want to be intimate is because he feels guilty that he's not really that into you. He can't just say it's only because of his dead wife because he had committed to dating the other woman, but he doesn't want to date you or be intimate with you. I think that's a pretty good sign that he doesn't see you in the same way as his ex girlfriend. Besides, he has told you that he is not over his ex. I think you need to listen and believe what he's saying. He is giving you the cold shoulder now so I think it's time to move on.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    But I am also not sure if he called it quits because he is genuinely disinterested in me, just not in a good place right now due to the pending anniversary and spoke out of fear, anger, emotions going crazy, or is he not over his ex - I think that is what bothers me the most is if she is back in the picture...

    You're coming up with all of these possible excuses because you're so smitten with him. When he was dating the other woman but still had an "undeniable attraction" to you, this in itself shows that he doesn't know how to be a good bf. A man who is taken would step away from a friendship with a woman he shared that type of chemistry with, as it would be bad for his romance.

    Sorry, but now that you've crossed the line of having sex with him, you can no longer be friends. He is an ex sex partner. If your goal is to have a lifetime companion, nobody decent will date you when you're remaining friends with a man you had sex with and wanted so much more from.

    Life doesn't always pan out how you'd wish, but you should be learning how to recognize red flags much better than you have, and to take someone's actions at face value--not guessing about a person's psyche is, and how it's affecting his actions. He said he doesn't want to date you. Leave it at that and find someone who does.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Don't take this in a bad way - both of you may have different concepts about different things and may not be as similar as you think.

    Do you know if he's seeing a grief counselor or in therapy after losing his wife? The way I describe it is - you can't unsee a lot of things when it comes to death or dying or illness. That pain is seared in and it mixes with everything - past, present, future, and it changes a person forever. Learning to deal with grief is a huge feat.

    You've gotten too personal with his ex (the woman he dated after his wife passed away). Keep telling yourself that she's not competition. Don't drag yourself down this way trying to compete or compare yourself with another woman or finding reasons to dislike her. Their relationship isn't really any of your business. Stop telling yourself that you have a right to judge his relationships or his break ups. You may have an opinion but don't let it overrule your judgment or make you upset. He needs to handle them on his own.

    Set some boundaries, take a big step back and give it a few weeks for the dust to settle. Don't throw out any threats to throw away things to get his attention (this is manipulative) and keep your distance when it comes to his dating choices and his dating life.

    I don't believe you can't be friends. You have both been friends for a long time. You'll just have to step aside and know how to control your emotions. If you care about him, I mean sincerely care about this person, you won't stand in the way of what makes him happy. Hit time out, pause, whatever you might like to call it and refocus. Turn your attention to other things in life, other people and enjoy your life. Slow down and give yourself time to absorb your sadness and disappointment. There's life after this. Have courage.
    Last edited by Rose Mosse; 06-17-2020 at 01:43 AM.

  8. #17
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    Originally Posted by RunnerGrlX
    Itís more on her & I do hate saying that. I truly tried to look at both sides when theyíd be going through it, but wow, she really took the cake with her antics & some of it I did witness firsthand & politely excused myself from it. Definitely awkward when everyone leaves a social gathering (well when we could do that) because of what sheíd pull. It was sad.
    And what does it say about him that he chose to be with her?

    My suspicion here is that he has gone back to her and felt guilty for hooking up with you while he's supposed to be dating her again.

  9. #18
    I feel you so much.
    Don't be so focused on him.
    Men are straight and no means no.
    Moreover, he just used you for intimacy and then said no.That's quite irrespective.

  10. #19
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    He called it quits because he wants to call it quits.

    It is completely irrelevant as to why.
    All you need to understand is that he is NOT interested in pursuing anything further with you.

    I actually think you may have taken advantage of HIS vulnerability. In which case the only question that should be raised and answered is why you did that? And for years it seems?

    You dated another widower only a year ago and not that long after he was widowed. Yet you judge this guy for dating too soon?? Thatís extremely hypocritical.

    This guy is not your friend , but more importantly you were not his. You have judged him , didnít state your judgement , hypocritically dated another widower and now annoyed that he is not interested in someone that was only a ďfriendĒ for their own gain?

    Sorry but you need to stop preying on the vulnerable. More for their sake but also for the realisation that they are only temporarily responding to your attention which can and will only be short lived .

  11. #20
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    I'm sorry. Rejection hurts.

    As the firum says youre not alone. I think its pretty normsl to feel a great connection, that youre so in sync, have so much in common when you like someone. That is what it is to like someone.

    But all those feelings are coming from you. Inside you. The good news is, you are capable of having these feelings. The bad news is, they're existance do not require mutual feelings...

    It's a big leap to date a friend. Sex can be the fastest way to ruin it. Cause we've all been there, got caught up in something, but we really werent all in.

    I would completely cut this guy out of my life. Block etc. Let him see you turn the other way, so to speak... so there's no misunderstanding. He was not cool and you are fine!

    Be more selective... Set better boundaries. don't get too close to involved with guy friends and their relationships and emotions. If by chance you meet another widower, run the other direction. Don't let male friends cross the line without many conversations about where they are emotionally. Have they just ended something? Are they traumatized? Until they've been single fir awhile or dated multiple people, too bad. You are not a warming plate for their exes for future women.

    Any guy that values being with you puts in the work, is not squirelly about emotions and is consistent. One or two mentions it would be nice to date? NOT GOOD ENOUGH.

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