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Thread: Asking permission/approval

  1. #1
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    Asking permission/approval

    My wife and I have been married for over a year after dating for two years. We met online and found out we practically lived across the street from each other.

    We are both mid 30s and don't really have any arguments

    What are your thoughts here... am I at fault or is this 'normal' and I'm just making a big deal over nothing?


    So we were just chatting on the couch and she mentioned doing a cycling thing with a (gay) friend of hers. I said it was a little inconsiderate of her to just plan something with him because it has often happened in the past where they go and do their thing and I am lumbered babysitting the gay couple's adopted son. Sometimes this happens with the partner, but often this is just me alone with this kid... and sure, he's a nice kid, but it is the principle that they plan stuff and just assume they'll have a babysitter without asking whether I am ok with it.
    Anyway, I told her I was upset that she did this again, I wasn't going to be lumbered with babysitting without being asked as I'd made my point clear last time. She told me these were her friends and I wasn't invited. I asked when it was and she told me the date so I looked in our shared calendar and it turns out she had booked FIVE DAYS in Scotland for this event!

    Not inviting me is one thing, not considering me is another... but not EVEN TELLING ME?! This wasn't her way of telling asking me, this was already done and booked!

    I told her she was wrong to do that and she just shrugged, hasn't even apologised.

    I've been working upstairs today when she asked me about lunch and I was a bit distracted. She said "oh you're still in a huff" (words to that effect), and just left...


    Is this me just being sensitive?

    ...she did this before to me... she has a female friend that I don't particularly like (sleeps around, a bit immoral) and one day she just says out of the blue "oh Jane is staying over in a few weeks" - our house, again, no discussion or approval.

  2. #2
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    What she has done is disrespectful. I would absolutely not babysit they can find their own babysitter . She obviously hasn’t moved over to being married and still thinks she’s single .

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    It appears she's checked out of the relationship - emotionally and mentally.

    Do you have differences between the both of you that are long-standing? Ie. you're a planner and more by the book or regimented and she is more rebellious or carefree?

    From your language use, using the word "immoral", you seem judgmental and opinionated. She may be rebelling against your judgment which can appear negative and destructive to her and her resentment has built up like a wall over time.

    For the marriage to continue both of you need to communicate better. Slow down on the judgment of who's immoral or not and keep things as neutral as possible. You don't need to drip with plastic sweetness for all her friends but you shouldn't have to speak badly of them either.

    Work on the communication. I think your relationship is going downhill fast. You might benefit from declining the babysitting job yourself and find your voice that way. Simply make alternate plans, plans even with yourself those days. Stay at home or make plans to go out. Don't make yourself so available and leave yourself open. You're sort of screaming for respect from others but you're not respecting yourself.

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    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    If it were me I would pack my bags and get out of there. And then go "Oh am I supposed to tell you?"

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    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    Originally Posted by smackie9
    If it were me I would pack my bags and get out of there. And then go "Oh am I supposed to tell you?"
    Exactly.
    ....

  7. #6
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    No you aren't just being sensitive. Your wife is being incredibly disrespectful to you and otherwise completely out of line. She is acting like she is single to the point where if you weren't married, I'd say let her go on her trip and don't be there when she gets back. Yes, it's that bad.

    It also sounds like she has successfully walked all over you before more than once and fully expects to get away with that again. You mentioned that you had a serious conversation about this the last time it happened, but obviously she is not taking you seriously and doesn't respect your word. Words have no meaning unless there are consequences attached. So what did you say will happen if she pulls that crap again?

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    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Before venturing deeply into things, I'm hoping you can clear something up. In the case of this cycling event, was the assumption again that you would babysit for the five days?

    I ask because the part you "made clear" in the past is that you don't want to babysit, not the part where you want to be more considered in her plan-making with this friend. So, from her side, she could think all is kosher if the childcare part of the equation—the past rub—has been dealt with differently.

    But general thoughts?

    Of course you're upset. It's all kind of textbook in terms of inconsiderate and disrespectful behavior. Makes me wonder how things have been over the past three years, particularly the two spent before getting married. Is this kind of behavior on her part a new, or newish, thing? Or is this kind of behavior something that has been accommodated, and therefore validated, in the past? We do, as the saying goes, teach people who to treat us by showing them what we will, and won't, accommodate.

  9. #8
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    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    From your language use, using the word "immoral", you seem judgmental and opinionated. She may be rebelling against your judgment which can appear negative and destructive to her and her resentment has built up like a wall over time.
    Immoral is the wrong word... her friend is the sort that will sleep with lots of guys on the first date and then moan for days after that the guy moved on... probably just desperate as she'll assume they're practically getting married after a first date.


    And yeah, I am more of a planner... we've always said that I ground her into making more sensible decisions and she picks me up into being more daring. She's the sort that will buy an expensive bike on impulse, then leave it in the rain for it to rust, then scrap it/ buy another because she hadn't thought through all the implications (but that's another story)... or buys lots of something because she loves it and then we end up with a fridge of mouldy stuff (you get the idea).

    She's always been emotionally distant... she's like that with everyone and I married her knowing that's what I was getting into.

    She obviously hasn’t moved over to being married and still thinks she’s single
    ...honestly I think that's it more than anything... it just hurts

  10. #9
    Platinum Member LaHermes's Avatar
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    OP, I ask the same question as DancingF.

    "So what did you say will happen if she pulls that crap again?"

    Aside from anything else it is atrocious bad manners.

    She booked FIVE days away and did not think of telling you!

    Just to add, OP, she needs to grow up! She is not living with a room-mate who is a stranger where she doesn't need to inform she is going away anywhere, be it five days or five months. If only as a matter of common courtesy to her husband one would think she'd tell him she ahd booked five days away.

    You are a patient man!

  11. #10
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    Originally Posted by DancingFool
    So what did you say will happen if she pulls that crap again?
    All the threats were situational... If you invite a friend over without discussing it with me (i'll invariably say yes, even if I don't like them, I'll just spend more of that time out with my friends than normal), I will simply refuse them into the house.

    As for babysitting the kid, well again, we agreed that if THEY book something and drop it on me, I'd simply say I was busy and make them find alternate arrangements...

    I just never thought she'd do something like this - five days! I know it's the same (but different) had the friend been straight.... whole different story, I do completely believe it is an adventure holiday. It's just floored me...

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