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Thread: Asking permission/approval

  1. #41
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Unfortunately it's become a power struggle. Your role is being passive aggressive. Hers is just doing whatever without thinking. What seems like the romantic notion of opposites attract is really more of who's right type of thing. Take your focus off the trivia such as character assassinations of her friends. Try not to convince yourself that you never get angry when in fact you do, but disguise it in pouting and sulking.

  2. #42
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    What would I do in your shoes? It's best to have the discussion when you're feeling mellow. Sit close on the couch and hold hands, because with that connection and closeness, it's harder to start yelling and express things in anger. I'd say: I really love you and want to spend the rest of my life with you. That's why I married you. I want it it work, and to prevent bitterness from building and killing any love we have over the years, there are some changes that need to happen, and I want you to also tell me things you'd like to improve in our marriage.

    The only time I will ever agree to baby-sitting anyone is if it benefits me, because I have my own children and am trading babysitting hours with another couple. Or when I have grandkids, and want the joy of spending time with them. (Just saying you are busy on that day you're "told" you'll be babysitting, or running out with friends to avoid it, is not being honest about things and camouflaging the problem.)

    We are a couple, and couples keep each other in the loop about important things ahead of time like: I will be home late from work. I am planning a vacation with friends for next month. Even if those are not important things for you to be informed about, I'm a different person, and I'm asking for your consideration to let me know what's going on in advance. When I'm not informed of things ahead of time that also affect my life, it makes me feel like I'm not important to you, and that my opinions and say-so are irrelevant. We're a team, and should be consulting with each other on things that affect the both of us.

    And then give her time to make that effort. If she doesn't, she doesn't care about your happiness. Marital counseling is also a good idea, and could also be used as a last resort if this conversation doesn't pan out. You were drawn to each other because you find things in each other which are lacking in yourselves. That's quite common in couples. But sometimes the thing that drew you to a person repels you later when the newness of the happy surge-of-hormones state has gone away. Time to hit the reset button and work on a new and better way to work together. It could happen if you keep the discussion within the bounds of "I feel like this when" instead of attacking statements like "You never do this" etc.

    Good luck and let us know how it goes.

  3. #43
    Platinum Member LaHermes's Avatar
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    OP. It actually comes down to this:

    "I married her knowing that's what I was getting into".

    As in your colourful analogy about the priest and the stripper.

    And there's this:

    "She has thyroid issues so can have some pretty bad mood swings, but on her medication she's lovely."



    So, off her medication is when she binges on unannounced expeditions to wherever for xyz number of days? You say that on her medication she is "lovely".

  4. #44
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by beternal
    This is a question for another post... but how do you deal with those people that never make the first move in resolving arguments? Obviously everyone thinks they're right in an argument, otherwise it's more of an educational instruction than a disagreement... but take this as an example:

    I have been in the study working since 9 am... she knows I'm upset, she clearly remembers the moment I got upset because it was the last thing we spoke about. She has come up several times asking what we are doing about lunch (I said I'm not hungry), dinner (also not hungry) ((it's amazing how being upset can turn off your appetite!))... and she has also pointed out that I'm 'moody'...

    ...but does she not see what she did was wrong?... if she does, why is she not addressing it, if she doesn't, is that worse?

    What do you do when one person is always the one 'caving' to approach the other to resolve an argument?

    Hopefully me acknowledging this fact merely makes me the 'stubborn one' rather than the 'ignorant' and/or 'petty' one (whichever is worse).

    I'm mid 30s... life is frustrating... somethings you look at things and wonder how can this be happening?...is this not obvious? (although I tend to let dishes drip-dry and this annoys her, so maybe I too am guilty of missing the obvious common-sense things in life!)

    I'm rambling
    OP

    It's time to stop being passive aggressive with the "I'm not hungry"

    Next time she talks to you, you say in your own words:

    You're right. I'm mad about the booking trips and making plans without consulting me. I need to understand your expectations for this marriage.

    and leave it in her court to explain and then you take from there. she is acting as a single, when she is legally, officially, technically married.

    Then you decide what you will and won't accept. And you tell her.

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  6. #45
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    When she's on her trip, don't answer any of her calls, texts, emails. I think she could use some major perspective. My husband tells me almost everything he is doing except pooping. I think what's unfair is that she never makes you a priority in her life, ever. That's sad. I think you should write it all down, and tell her how you feel. If she blows you off, is it really a good marriage? She won't change. Imagine another 10 years after you have kids where you are dumped all the responsibility of caring for them, while she does whatever she wants. I could not live like that - the never ending insecurity. Good luck! Don't leave the premises or courts could bring it as a case of abandonment, and it goes to her. You could try to change the locks to also make a point.

    You don't have to yell to be assertive and make your needs known. You also don't need to yell to fight. Did one of your parents yell a lot, so you choose to not yell?

  7. #46
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    Originally Posted by beternal
    There's a fine line between holding firm and making threats... or that -for-tat mentality.

    Simply telling her that it hurts and I should be consulted clearly didn't work since her friend came over otherwise this wouldn't have happened.

    I'm open for ideas as to how I can demonstrate it to her
    I haven't been through your situation, so it is difficult for me to place myself in your shoes. My answers are based on mutual respect, which is something I highly value.

    Firstly, I'd be genuinely unavailable. I believe in helping others out but it seems to me she's taking your help for granted. My take is that she knows you're usually available and therefore she automatically assumes you'll do her last minute requests like babysitting. Therefore, be genuinely busy with work or friends. You made other arrangements already, therefore you are unable to cater to her last minute requests. You will not drop prior engagements for last minute requests, unless they are an emergency.

    Secondly, I'd communicate my concerns with her. Be straightforward, no insulting nor blaming.

    Andrina, suggested something (totally new for me) that I really like.
    Last edited by greendots; 06-17-2020 at 01:38 PM.

  8. #47
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    What I would do if I were you:

    First of all, I think it's great when both spouses have their friends. I have a local best friend whom I've known ever since I was 9 years old. During pre-COVID-19, we'd spend all day outings for shopping, walks and lunch once or twice a month throughout the year. Nowadays, we're reduced to a 3 hour phone chat once a week during the evening. Note these appointments are scheduled, therefore, we're not infringing upon anyone's time. Our spouses enjoy their solitude with various hobbies, intellectual pursuits or relax by watching the evening news on TV. They're tired anyway and we all enjoy our own space and time.

    Having said that, none of us impose on others such as taking advantage of free babysitting services, house sitting, dog sitting, errands, favors and the like. We simply do not assume and presume that other people will do our bidding for us nor do we take turns out of obligations either. None of our friends use us either. No one is beholden to each other. Let's be clear about this. There's an unspoken code of behaving like decent, very honorable human beings. We respect each other and never cross the line. Using people is intolerable and unacceptable. It's down right inconsiderate and disrespectful. None of us has the nerve to use each other.

    If it were me, I'd have a talk with my husband regarding his scheduled cycling activities with said friend. These outings should be reasonable. Your wife should spend quality time with you because that's the purpose of marriage. If she prefers her friend over you, there's something wrong with her and your marriage because this arrangement is abnormal.

    As for presuming that you will automatically babysit all the time, learn to speak up and say, "NO." Don't be a doormat. Who are you? Mary Poppins?

    As for your impending house guest, Jane, again, say, "NO."

    You have more deep seeded problems in your marriage other than your wife's cycling friend, your free babysitting services and house guest, Jane. Have a serious discussion with your wife regarding your concerns. There is complete lack of respect and empathy from her to you. Those are very serous problems. Fix your marriage with professional marriage counseling.

  9. #48
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    The first time anyone attempted to drop off a kid for me to babysit without asking me would be the end of it right then and there.

    Sucks to be that kid, however, it is not your responsibility at all.

    And that attitude of mine is separate from the whole not being told of the trip.

    Totally unacceptable parenting and at minimum bad manners towards you.

    So it ruins their plans. Um, hello, there were no plans to include you so why would that be your problem?

    As usual, crazy wants to set the agenda. and it will if you let it.

  10. #49
    Platinum Member LaHermes's Avatar
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    As OP said:

    "but not EVEN TELLING ME?! "

    I cannot begin to understand how you would organise a five-day expedition and NOT tell your spouse.

    No one thinks it strange that a spouse would go "missing " for,in this case, five days. Would OP not even wonder where she was?

    I cannot get my head around this.

    Does OP's spouse simply return from the expeditions and everything carries on as usual.

  11. 06-21-2020, 09:47 AM

  12. #50
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    🥤🧊🍾🍮🍨🍦🍥⛳⚾⚾🧢👑👞👟🥿🚔🚎
    Originally Posted by ChfEngr
    I'm being a TROLL.

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