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Thread: Asking permission/approval

  1. #31
    Platinum Member LaHermes's Avatar
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    Please Beternal. Give me a break here. L.

    This is not about a "mistake" . Everyone can make mistakes. No one said either that it was "crazy".

    What it is is total disrespect and lack of consideration for you, not to mention an appalling lack of ordinary manners.

    Why, may I ask, do you NOT have the courage to talk to her. Scared? If so, why so?

    And no, "talking" isn't always the answer. It isn't the answer when a) you are scared to talk to her, and b) talking won't do any good.

    How does 40 years of this look to you, OP?

    And more importantly: what is in this relationship for you? In what way is it nurturing and improving your life? Bottling up resentment and anger is not good for either mental health or physical health.

    Would I be correct in saying you had some doubts about this relationship right at the outset?
    Last edited by LaHermes; 06-16-2020 at 03:39 PM.

  2. #32
    Platinum Member lostandhurt's Avatar
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    I have two questions:

    What are your ages?

    Has she always been like this towards you?

    Lost

  3. #33
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    Originally Posted by lostandhurt
    I have two questions:

    What are your ages?

    Has she always been like this towards you?
    Lost
    Mid 30s and she has never been the best at expressing emotions, and it's at times like this that you end up wondering whether it's just her... or whether it's just not for me

  4. #34
    Platinum Member lostandhurt's Avatar
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    Sounds like it is just her. She shown zero consideration for your feelings, plans or inclusiveness into her life. "These are my friends, you aren't invited" Pretty harsh...

    At this age she should know how to treat people properly, especially her husband she says she loves.

    Why don't you suggest marriage counseling and see what she says. Frame it as "We have been having some issues and I think OUR marriage could really use a professionals help in making it better" She will probably just discount your feelings but it is worth a shot.

    Without a third party showing her how uncaring and thoughtless she has been towards you I don't see this getting any better ever.

    Think about it. She planned a 5 day vacation with someone else and didn't even mention it to you.

    Lost

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  6. #35
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    Originally Posted by smackie9
    If it were me I would pack my bags and get out of there. And then go "Oh am I supposed to tell you?"
    I agree.

    OP, why have you allowed this for so long? And, why did you ever agree to babysit? I'm sorry, but you have become a complete doormat!

    This woman does not respect you!

  7. #36
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    I said it was a little inconsiderate of her to just plan something with him because it has often happened in the past where they go and do their thing and I am lumbered babysitting the gay couple's adopted son
    Wow... you are a better person than me I gotta tell ya.... that would be a HARD no from me if I were in that situation.

    It's one thing for her to go off and do her cycling trip... and a totally different thing for them to expect you to babysit. Completely ridiculous!

    ETA based on your title: She doesn't need your permission or approval to go off somewhere with her friend, assuming she is a fully grown adult... If it were me I would run it by my partner out of courtesy but I don't need permission to go out with my friends... I also wouldn't ask my partner to babysit one of my friend's children... I think this is an all around strange dynamic that any of this is even happening.

  8. #37
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by beternal
    This is a question for another post... but how do you deal with those people that never make the first move in resolving arguments? Obviously everyone thinks they're right in an argument, otherwise it's more of an educational instruction than a disagreement... but take this as an example:

    I have been in the study working since 9 am... she knows I'm upset, she clearly remembers the moment I got upset because it was the last thing we spoke about. She has come up several times asking what we are doing about lunch (I said I'm not hungry), dinner (also not hungry) ((it's amazing how being upset can turn off your appetite!))... and she has also pointed out that I'm 'moody'...

    ...but does she not see what she did was wrong?... if she does, why is she not addressing it, if she doesn't, is that worse?

    What do you do when one person is always the one 'caving' to approach the other to resolve an argument?

    Hopefully me acknowledging this fact merely makes me the 'stubborn one' rather than the 'ignorant' and/or 'petty' one (whichever is worse).

    I'm mid 30s... life is frustrating... somethings you look at things and wonder how can this be happening?...is this not obvious? (although I tend to let dishes drip-dry and this annoys her, so maybe I too am guilty of missing the obvious common-sense things in life!)

    I'm rambling
    ....So you are a grown man who is sulking in his office wanting for his wife to read his mind and apologize.....all because you think that opening your mouth and telling her wth is your problem is weak? or caving?

    If this is how you think and behave....no wonder you two have big issues in your relationship. What you are doing is immature and childish. You have a problem, YOU open your mouth and talk about it. She can't read your mind.

    Your questions are really bordering on silly....Like if she thought it's wrong, she wouldn't have done it in the first place. If she cared what you think, she wouldn't have done it in the first place. If she didn't think she can get away with treating you like dirt, she wouldn't be doing it.

    Conflict avoidance will get you nowhere....or rather exactly where you are right now - angry and stuck. Meanwhile she is acting like nothing happened and all is fine and why? Because you are just going to sulk for awhile, maybe whine about it for a bit, but then she'll waltz off on her trip and you'll be home doing what? Stewing on your growing resentment but too afraid to speak up and once she is back, you'll pretend all is well again? Come on....put on your big boy pants. You teach people how to treat you and you are teaching her that she can treat you like garbage and it's all good.

  9. #38
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    Have skim read all the comments! Well first and foremost, I think you need to be way more assertive and stop being such a doormat! What your wife said is contradictory. She said something to the extent of "These are my friends so that's why you're not invited". So if these are her friends, not yours, WHY are you expected to babysit their child all the time? You are completely being taken advantage of and that gay couple are rude too.

    If all the three of them go out, why are you actually not invited? I understand maybe if she was to go out one-on-one with her gay friend or that female friend. But if the gay guys are going out as a couple, why can't your wife invite you and you go as a couple too? Of course she's allowed to have friends but if it's a group thing and you're never invited, she's excluding you and not sharing her life with you. And you are also expected to look after the child and that is not your problem or your responsibility at all.

    This gay couple are also excluding you and being rude to you. And after all that they expect you to babysit! Their child is their problem. I would even question their parenting skills if they're always trying to dump their kid on other people and they just wanna go out and have fun.

    I know you love your wife and marriage is a commitment. But if your wife treats you like this and she doesn't even understand that it's wrong, I wonder if your marriage can last. She is very rude to you and she doesn't feel bad at all. The problem is that people don't change. Not unless they want to change of course. You could try marriage counselling and try to work it out.

    Your wife needs to understand that she is not single and she needs to make you part of her life. She can have friends but she needs to consider you in her decisions and everyday life because she's not by herself, you are there too. She needs to show her love and commitment to you by including you with her friends, on holidays, and so on. It's incredibly rude to make all these plans with her friends and trips that you are not only not invited to, but that you know nothing about!

  10. #39
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    Hi, Iím sorry, your wife is being very inconsiderate!

    I honestly would be upset and donít think you are over reacting at all! She sounds like she prioritizes her friends over you.

    Is there anyway you can sit her down and discuss why this bothers you more thoroughly and why she has to be gone without you for five days?

  11. #40
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    Originally Posted by Tinydance
    So if these are her friends, not yours, WHY are you expected to babysit their child all the time?.. Their child is their problem.
    This is what I honed in on. I think you said in one of your previous posts that the gay partner had suggested you and he do something together while the others were off cycling? Why is he not looking after their kid? If the pair of them are going on the trip that you're being excluded from, then it's their responsibility to get the kid looked after by one of THEIR relatives or friends. I can't believe your wife has the cheek to expect you to babysit, nor that she can book trips away and not even discuss it with you. That's not what married people do.

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