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Thread: Asking permission/approval

  1. #11
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    Are you expected to care for the child for the entire five days?

  2. #12
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    I wouldn’t be there when she got back, but I wouldn’t tell her my plan either.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    You are still appearing judgmental and assuming things about her friend. I think you're upset and understandably so but don't let that kind of thinking colour your words negatively in your conversations with her. They're oppressive and negative of women in general. How her friend chooses to use her body or enjoy her body and her relationships are her choice. I feel like your respect overall for women is very low if they don't behave a certain way sexually or in a dating sphere. You are entitled to your opinion, absolutely. Just be careful about how you phrase your language because it can be taken very negatively.

    Your wife seems impulsive. When you say emotionally distant, how so? Do you mind elaborating? No public displays of affection? No sexual chemistry? No flirting? No emotional connection between the both of you? I'm curious.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Just say no to babysitting. It's not about permission, it's about considerateness and communication. When you live as a couple you need to run some things by each other that effect one another.
    Originally Posted by beternal

    So we were just chatting on the couch and she mentioned doing a cycling thing with a (gay) friend of hers.

    I am lumbered babysitting the gay couple's adopted son.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member LaHermes's Avatar
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    Precisely, Wiseman.

    "...it's about considerateness and communication. When you live as a couple you need to run some things by each other that effect one another."

    I find it unimaginable.

    Missing the point, OP. It's not about whether she goes away for five or fifteen days, with one friend or 20 friends, or whether she is "distant" or has perceived as such "dicey" friends. It is about common courtesy between a married couple.

  7. #16
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Before venturing deeply into things, I'm hoping you can clear something up. In the case of this cycling event, was the assumption again that you would babysit for the five days?
    This time was purely them going away. I actually got semi clued-in as the gay partner said that he and I should do something while they're cycling! - I dismissed it as 'oh this is another them having a 5k run, us looking after the kid for a few hours' thing... It only twigged when I mentioned it to her... so kind of worse, the guys had actually discussed it between themselves... my partner hadn't.

    It's not completely 'new', but you dismiss the smaller things like arranging milk deliveries without consulting each other, the odd pair of expensive shoes...

    ...I am a bit more considered in what I do... she knows that I can overly plan things so she has booked us on holidays (together), only after booking telling me about them (which I guess some would call romantic), because she knows I might sit on it for too long and then the prices go up... but this is different.

  8. #17
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    The harsh truth, she's being inconsiderate towards you because so far she's been able to get away with it. Show her through actions that her behaviour is not acceptable. How would she feel if you disappeared for five days? How would she react?

  9. #18
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    Originally Posted by greendots
    The harsh truth, she's being inconsiderate towards you because so far she's been able to get away with it. Show her through actions that her behaviour is not acceptable. How would she feel if you disappeared for five days? How would she react?
    There's a fine line between holding firm and making threats... or that -for-tat mentality.

    Simply telling her that it hurts and I should be consulted clearly didn't work since her friend came over otherwise this wouldn't have happened.

    I'm open for ideas as to how I can demonstrate it to her

  10. #19
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by beternal
    And yeah, I am more of a planner... we've always said that I ground her into making more sensible decisions and she picks me up into being more daring. She's the sort that will buy an expensive bike on impulse, then leave it in the rain for it to rust, then scrap it/ buy another because she hadn't thought through all the implications (but that's another story)... or buys lots of something because she loves it and then we end up with a fridge of mouldy stuff (you get the idea).
    Weird question, I know, but: Do you like your wife? Do you think she likes you?

    I ask because you just outlined a very lovely and likable idea—you grounding her a bit, while she loosens you up—but then proceeded to portray her in a pretty negative, venom-tipped manner. A similar negativity comes in with the tone you take in describing her friends, particularly her female friend. I get this is a moment of hurt, so you may be venting a bit, but just as I'm a believer that people are pretty honest when drunk, I think the same is true when they're upset.

    That's not me trying to negate your feelings here about the specifics. I'd be mighty upset in your shoes. Can't really imagine finding myself in them, honestly, and feel for you. But there's a difference between being mighty upset with someone we like, rather than being mighty upset with someone we like in theory more than in actuality.

    Anyhow, I think you need to have two conversations here: one with yourself, in which you make it a point to express what you are genuinely cool, and not cool, with, so you can express that to others—i.e. her—in a calm, direct way without waiting for the resentment to get so potent that it comes out corrosively; and another with her, in which you explain that you can't be a champion of her impulsive nature if it isn't more balanced with feeling that she considers you, and the relationship, when making choices.

    You asked that you no longer be the de facto baby-sitter—and, hey, she listened. Problem is you didn't ask for what you really wanted, which is for her to be more courteous and considerate of you and the relationship when making choices. Time to see if she can listen to that, and if you two can get stronger and closer, as it seems to be the real issue here. An unfortunate thing to have to talk about after three years, no doubt, but I don't see your fortunes changing any other way.

  11. #20
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    It seems like you knew who you are marrying and that you are attracted to that "excitement" she brings on. So really, this is just part of that package you signed up for. You are quite literally getting your dose of drama right now. Does it feel good? Well...no, doesn't sound like it. Thing is that you don't get to pick and choose when you marry someone like that, that they'll only do right but never wrong by you. She's always been doing this in one form or another and this isn't really that different, just more egregious.

    The way she is treating you.....people treat stray dogs on the street with more respect....but again, you signed up for this with your eyes wide open, so why complain now? What's really that different this time than all the other times? It's same old same old - she does whatever she wants, she books trips, she doesn't tell you until she does, etc. This is the foundation of your relationship with her, what your marriage is built on.

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