Ex messaging after I broke up with him

Please help. My ex is messaging still even though I broke up with him.. please feel free to read my other threads for further context.

Long story short, he’s reached out again and I haven’t replied.. I’ve already deleted on social media but for some reason his messages still appear in my chat. I didn’t block him.

He can see that I’ve read his message.

His messages were the standard saying he loves me so much and he’s sorry etc etc.. and he’s so hurt and just wants to hear from me.

I felt he did not treat me right, it became a toxic relationship.

Please give me advice, or is this the typical narcissistic hoovering / manipulation tactic that is happening. It’s been 4 weeks since we’ve seen broken up, I replied back to his message two weeks ago (logistical things about moving my stuff out. I have moved out already), I even said I missed him too, and said I hope he was well.

Then a week later he messages me again now..

Why won't you block him if you claim he is upsetting you?

It's nothing special for an ex to contact. Whether I broke up with them or they did the deed, just about every ex contacted me. Way back then, if I'd had the option to delete them in every way, I would have. You have no excuse with modern technology. If you don't know how to block him in one area, Google how to. That way you won't be moved back to square one in closure whenever you hear from him.

You seem very distressed. I think you war with yourself about appearing petty if you block this person.

If you are opposed to blocking out of your own principles, I can respect that.

What you will have to do then is spend more time reflecting on why the relationship didn't work out and strengthen your resolve in your heart and your mind. Do that soul-searching in your off hours. Dig deep. Find that peace and resolve.

I also recall that he didn't respond to you previously and may have felt he should respond now. By leaving the door open like that and living by your principles, you simply have to strengthen your resolve and remain confident that the relationship is over.

What I can suggest is requesting that he and you have a few months to recoup and refocus, explain that you are not blocking or shutting the door on a future friendship but you aren't able to communicate right now and you need time. Strike a balance and communicate that more effectively. You need to accurately convey what you need in order for people to understand and follow through so they don't keep offending you and throwing you in a panic.

As long as you don't block, he'll continue to harass you just because he can. You are worried about appearing weak....well....not blocking him is weak and an open invitation for him to keep messing with your head and your heart. Figure out how to block him completely on everything and move on. Make the break up clean rather than messy and drawn out.

Also, if he is a toxic person and the relationship was toxic and then for the love of, don't put your personal power in his hands by asking him to leave you be or maybe come back after some time to be "pals". It's on you to create healthy boundaries and enforce them and if that feels odd, strange or counter intuitive to you, if enforcing boundaries makes you feel bad somehow.....all the more reason to draw hard boundaries and actually work on yourself to resolve why that feels bad because it shouldn't.

Why again won't you block him?

I hope it's not because you fear appearing "petty" or you think it's "harsh", "immature", "unnecessary", or because you fear what he will think or what mutual friends might think. Because those are excuses.

Do you hope he "changed" so you can reconcile?

Why haven’t you blocked? Easy solution.

Why won't you block him if you claim he is upsetting you?

I deleted him off Facebook, and I honestly thought if he wasn’t a FB friend that he wouldn’t be able to message me.

Maybe it is a good thing though that I have read the message and he can see that it’s been read.. so perhaps that will send him the message.

He also sent me a txt message too.

Why again won't you block him?

 

I hope it's not because you fear appearing "petty" or you think it's "harsh", "immature", "unnecessary", or because you fear what he will think or what mutual friends might think. Because those are excuses.

 

Do you hope he "changed" so you can reconcile?

No I did delete him off social media, and really didn’t think I could still get messages if he wasn’t a Facebook friend.

He also said in his message that his cousin who we lived with will message me about the utility bill that came in.

(My share of the bills from the last few months while I was living there). I am still friends with his cousin, and his cousin was always very kind to me, so I have no intention to delete his cousin (as I know he would never contact me if he didn’t have too, which he hasn’t) - he is the type of guy who would never be the middle man.. but he was the main person on the utility bill, so I guess that’s why he mentioned in his message that his cousin will get in contact around the bills.

As long as you don't block, he'll continue to harass you just because he can. You are worried about appearing weak....well....not blocking him is weak and an open invitation for him to keep messing with your head and your heart. Figure out how to block him completely on everything and move on. Make the break up clean rather than messy and drawn out.

 

Also, if he is a toxic person and the relationship was toxic and then for the love of, don't put your personal power in his hands by asking him to leave you be or maybe come back after some time to be "pals". It's on you to create healthy boundaries and enforce them and if that feels odd, strange or counter intuitive to you, if enforcing boundaries makes you feel bad somehow.....all the more reason to draw hard boundaries and actually work on yourself to resolve why that feels bad because it shouldn't.

By not replying to him though won’t appear weak? If I replied and ran back into his arms then it would be a different story. I would never go back to this person who treated me so poorly.

You seem very distressed. I think you war with yourself about appearing petty if you block this person.

 

If you are opposed to blocking out of your own principles, I can respect that.

 

What you will have to do then is spend more time reflecting on why the relationship didn't work out and strengthen your resolve in your heart and your mind. Do that soul-searching in your off hours. Dig deep. Find that peace and resolve.

 

I also recall that he didn't respond to you previously and may have felt he should respond now. By leaving the door open like that and living by your principles, you simply have to strengthen your resolve and remain confident that the relationship is over.

 

What I can suggest is requesting that he and you have a few months to recoup and refocus, explain that you are not blocking or shutting the door on a future friendship but you aren't able to communicate right now and you need time. Strike a balance and communicate that more effectively. You need to accurately convey what you need in order for people to understand and follow through so they don't keep offending you and throwing you in a panic.

Admittedly a small part of me has hope, what if this does make him change and what if I should suggest he goes to AA for his drinking and attend therapy, then when I see if he does do that it will show he is willing to change. I haven’t even given him that chance to show me that, as I have not suggested that yet.. And what if our relationship could heal after therapy together, and we ended up having a happy healthy future?

Then on the flip side I think... what he does never change, and I put myself back in that to risk being hurt all over again.

Admittedly a small part of me has hope, what if this does make him change and what if I should suggest he goes to AA for his drinking and attend therapy, then when I see if he does do that it will show he is willing to change. I haven’t even given him that chance to show me that, as I have not suggested that yet.. And what if our relationship could heal after therapy together, and we ended up having a happy healthy future?

 

Then on the flip side I think... what he does never change, and I put myself back in that to risk being hurt all over again.

This is the real reason why you're not blocking.

Wouldn't you prefer someone who doesn't have these issues of being abusive and toxic? Rather than "suggesting" things he should do so you can go back to him?

This is the real reason why you're not blocking.

 

Wouldn't you prefer someone who doesn't have these issues of being abusive and toxic? Rather than "suggesting" things he should do so you can go back to him?

Honestly it is not, like I said I did already delete him off social media.

I think it’s a good thing that he can now see that I’ve read his message, maybe he’ll finally get the point this time when he sees that I won’t reply. Last time I made the mistake of replying, but that’s because I was being kind in my reply when the intention was simply to wish him well.

This time I have no need to reply, I feel his love bombing is simply a manipulation tactic to try and hook me back in.

I’m not going to fall for it. I will never forget how badly he treated me, and selfish he was emotionally, how he acted like a child with his anger tantrums, and all those traits were so deeply embedded into him.. it would take years of therapy, I really don’t think he would change.

And no I’m not ok with putting up with a person who has alcoholism problems, and refused to do anything about it. The relationship has toxic written all over it.

His fault for not knowing how to treat a good woman right. So it’s now his lost and something he has to deal with.

Admittedly a small part of me has hope, what if this does make him change and what if I should suggest he goes to AA for his drinking and attend therapy, then when I see if he does do that it will show he is willing to change. I haven’t even given him that chance to show me that, as I have not suggested that yet.. And what if our relationship could heal after therapy together, and we ended up having a happy healthy future?

 

Then on the flip side I think... what he does never change, and I put myself back in that to risk being hurt all over again.

He has to want to change on his own without you putting any pressure for him to do it. He has to quit drinking altogether and go to therapy. You're still in the process of letting go of your lost hopes and dreams in the relationship. This is natural. It's part of the grieving process.

Just practice some healthy emotional distancing in the process. Accept that you can't change others. This is an addiction that is out of your hands.

By not replying to him though won’t appear weak? If I replied and ran back into his arms then it would be a different story. I would never go back to this person who treated me so poorly.

After stating that you'll "never go back to this person who treated you so poorly," why would you worry about appearing weak? No offense intended, yet if you truly want to make an exit, you'll find a way, if not you'll find an excuse.

I'm sure this is not want you want to hear, but the only person you're fooling is yourself.

You care too much about how this man perceives you, OP.

Tie up any loose ends from living together. Then delete and block him from all devices, all social media, all messaging apps and contact lists. It's that simple. You can't heal/move forward if you stay stuck in "what will he think".

Keep it simple with the cousin. Pay the amount but do not try to stay chummy with his people or make any innuendos or personal remarks.

He also said in his message that his cousin who we lived with will message me about the utility bill that came in. (My share of the bills from the last few months while I was living there).

You care too much about how this man perceives you, OP.

I don’t want to be portrayed as a heartless b*tch by not replying to his message. I feel bad for not replying as it was such a heart felt message and pouring his heart out, but then again after reading about narcissistic people.. this could also be classified as “narcissistic hoovering”.

Showing everyone that nice message he sent me and then saying I never replied to that..

I just don’t see the point in me even repeated all the reasons why we can’t be in a relationship.

I don’t want to be portrayed as a heartless b*tch by not replying to his message. I feel bad for not replying as it was such a heart felt message and pouring his heart out, but then again after reading about narcissistic people.. this could also be classified as “narcissistic hoovering”.

 

Showing everyone that nice message he sent me and then saying I never replied to that..

I just don’t see the point in me even repeated all the reasons why we can’t be in a relationship.

If you truly think that he is narcissistic, then you should know good and well that there is NOTHING heartfelt about anything he says or does. It is all pure manipulation and you are naive to the nth degree to think it's heartfelt.

You are not a b*tch, you are a pushover and your refusal to block him is quite frankly telling him that you are weak, pathetic and leaving the door open for further manipulation because you can't manage to set and enforce boundaries. He doesn't care one bit about you, he only cares about messing with your head, fooling you, duping you. That's what narcissist are all about.

You are so stubbornly clinging to seriously self destructive nonsense and warped ideas of what is and isn't nice and misplaced guilt that you really would benefit from professional help. If you don't work on yourself and get your head screwed on straight, either you'll end up back with him or another narcissist and yet another toxic relationship despite your proclamations that you'd never. I don't believe you and neither does he. You know why? Because you can't manage to block him and will make every excuse in the book for not letting go. You talk the talk, you are not walking the walk.

If you truly think that he is narcissistic, then you should know good and well that there is NOTHING heartfelt about anything he says or does. It is all pure manipulation and you are naive to the nth degree to think it's heartfelt.

 

You are not a b*tch, you are a pushover and your refusal to block him is quite frankly telling him that you are weak, pathetic and leaving the door open for further manipulation because you can't manage to set and enforce boundaries. He doesn't care one bit about you, he only cares about messing with your head, fooling you, duping you. That's what narcissist are all about.

 

You are so stubbornly clinging to seriously self destructive nonsense and warped ideas of what is and isn't nice and misplaced guilt that you really would benefit from professional help. If you don't work on yourself and get your head screwed on straight, either you'll end up back with him or another narcissist and yet another toxic relationship despite your proclamations that you'd never. I don't believe you and neither does he. You know why? Because you can't manage to block him and will make every excuse in the book for not letting go. You talk the talk, you are not walking the walk.

In my defence, I deleted him off all forms of social media. I genuinely thought that because I have a private FB account if I deleted him that he wouldn’t be able to message me. I didn’t realise that wasn’t the case.

I haven’t replied to him. I think the fact that he can see I’ve read his message and by not replying will not make me appear weak? It should send the message loud and clear that I don’t want anything to do with him by not replying and leaving it on “read”.

The other thing is what if he isn’t actually narcissistic.. and I have convinced myself that he is

The other thing is what if he isn’t actually narcissistic.. and I have convinced myself that he is

Well, what if? Would that change the more relevant “diagnosis” here, which is that being with him made you very unhappy? The most acute work-up of his psychology, by the most seasoned of professionals, wouldn’t change that, right?

He doesn't need for you to diagnose him with a personality disorder for him to be wrong for you, or for him to be a toxic influence in your life.

You're flip flopping between realizing how bad he is for you and trying to convince yourself he's really a great guy who you should really give another chance to.

And no, not answering is not a sign of strength. You haven't replied "yet" but you're making sure you can at a later date.

BTW, his behavior is classic selfish d-bag. He doesn't respect your wishes.

In my defence, I deleted him off all forms of social media. I genuinely thought that because I have a private FB account if I deleted him that he wouldn’t be able to message me. I didn’t realise that wasn’t the case.

 

I haven’t replied to him. I think the fact that he can see I’ve read his message and by not replying will not make me appear weak? It should send the message loud and clear that I don’t want anything to do with him by not replying and leaving it on “read”.

 

The other thing is what if he isn’t actually narcissistic.. and I have convinced myself that he is

Oh come on.....

You read the message means you still care about what he says.

You read the message means you might respond eventually.

You read the message means he is getting to fck with your head right now as we speak.

You read the message means he is getting under your skin

You read the message means he is getting into your head

You read the message means he is in your head and you can't stop yourself from thinking about him

You read the message means you are still willing to leave the door open for him to manipulate you some more.

.....You refuse to block him means that if he tries hard enough, he will get you back into toxic round two eventually.....because....well....why OP? What is wrong with you?

Just because I read it though it doesn’t mean that I have left the door open.

He will see that I’ve read his message and haven’t replied, and will not reply.. therefore he will get the point that I am not giving him another chance hence my silence.

This is about using messages on Facebook on a computer. For help with the Messenger app, visit the Messenger Help Center.

To block messages from someone on Facebook:

New Facebook

Click at the top right of the page.

Open the conversation with the person you'd like to block.

Click in the top left of the chat box.

Click Block a member > Block.

Classic Facebook

Click at the top right of the page.

Open the conversation with the person you'd like to block.

Click in the top right of the chat box.

Click Block > Block Messages and Calls.

Learn more about what happens when you block messages from someone and how to unblock messages from someone.

Note: Blocking messages from someone is different from blocking them on Facebook. If you block messages from someone, but you don't block them on Facebook, you'll still be able to see their Facebook profile. Depending on their privacy settings, you may also be able to see things like their status updates, comments, likes and tags on Facebook.