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Thread: Ex messaging after I broke up with him

  1. #11
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    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    You seem very distressed. I think you war with yourself about appearing petty if you block this person.

    If you are opposed to blocking out of your own principles, I can respect that.

    What you will have to do then is spend more time reflecting on why the relationship didn't work out and strengthen your resolve in your heart and your mind. Do that soul-searching in your off hours. Dig deep. Find that peace and resolve.

    I also recall that he didn't respond to you previously and may have felt he should respond now. By leaving the door open like that and living by your principles, you simply have to strengthen your resolve and remain confident that the relationship is over.

    What I can suggest is requesting that he and you have a few months to recoup and refocus, explain that you are not blocking or shutting the door on a future friendship but you aren't able to communicate right now and you need time. Strike a balance and communicate that more effectively. You need to accurately convey what you need in order for people to understand and follow through so they don't keep offending you and throwing you in a panic.
    Admittedly a small part of me has hope, what if this does make him change and what if I should suggest he goes to AA for his drinking and attend therapy, then when I see if he does do that it will show he is willing to change. I havenít even given him that chance to show me that, as I have not suggested that yet.. And what if our relationship could heal after therapy together, and we ended up having a happy healthy future?

    Then on the flip side I think... what he does never change, and I put myself back in that to risk being hurt all over again.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Roadtoheal
    Admittedly a small part of me has hope, what if this does make him change and what if I should suggest he goes to AA for his drinking and attend therapy, then when I see if he does do that it will show he is willing to change. I havenít even given him that chance to show me that, as I have not suggested that yet.. And what if our relationship could heal after therapy together, and we ended up having a happy healthy future?

    Then on the flip side I think... what he does never change, and I put myself back in that to risk being hurt all over again.
    This is the real reason why you're not blocking.

    Wouldn't you prefer someone who doesn't have these issues of being abusive and toxic? Rather than "suggesting" things he should do so you can go back to him?

  3. #13
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    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    This is the real reason why you're not blocking.

    Wouldn't you prefer someone who doesn't have these issues of being abusive and toxic? Rather than "suggesting" things he should do so you can go back to him?
    Honestly it is not, like I said I did already delete him off social media.

    I think itís a good thing that he can now see that Iíve read his message, maybe heíll finally get the point this time when he sees that I wonít reply. Last time I made the mistake of replying, but thatís because I was being kind in my reply when the intention was simply to wish him well.

    This time I have no need to reply, I feel his love bombing is simply a manipulation tactic to try and hook me back in.

    Iím not going to fall for it. I will never forget how badly he treated me, and selfish he was emotionally, how he acted like a child with his anger tantrums, and all those traits were so deeply embedded into him.. it would take years of therapy, I really donít think he would change.

    And no Iím not ok with putting up with a person who has alcoholism problems, and refused to do anything about it. The relationship has toxic written all over it.

    His fault for not knowing how to treat a good woman right. So itís now his lost and something he has to deal with.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Roadtoheal
    Admittedly a small part of me has hope, what if this does make him change and what if I should suggest he goes to AA for his drinking and attend therapy, then when I see if he does do that it will show he is willing to change. I havenít even given him that chance to show me that, as I have not suggested that yet.. And what if our relationship could heal after therapy together, and we ended up having a happy healthy future?

    Then on the flip side I think... what he does never change, and I put myself back in that to risk being hurt all over again.
    He has to want to change on his own without you putting any pressure for him to do it. He has to quit drinking altogether and go to therapy. You're still in the process of letting go of your lost hopes and dreams in the relationship. This is natural. It's part of the grieving process.

    Just practice some healthy emotional distancing in the process. Accept that you can't change others. This is an addiction that is out of your hands.

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  6. #15
    Super Moderator HeartGoesOn's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Roadtoheal
    By not replying to him though wonít appear weak? If I replied and ran back into his arms then it would be a different story. I would never go back to this person who treated me so poorly.
    After stating that you'll "never go back to this person who treated you so poorly," why would you worry about appearing weak? No offense intended, yet if you truly want to make an exit, you'll find a way, if not you'll find an excuse.

    I'm sure this is not want you want to hear, but the only person you're fooling is yourself.

  7. #16
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    You care too much about how this man perceives you, OP.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Tie up any loose ends from living together. Then delete and block him from all devices, all social media, all messaging apps and contact lists. It's that simple. You can't heal/move forward if you stay stuck in "what will he think".

    Keep it simple with the cousin. Pay the amount but do not try to stay chummy with his people or make any innuendos or personal remarks.
    Originally Posted by Roadtoheal
    He also said in his message that his cousin who we lived with will message me about the utility bill that came in. (My share of the bills from the last few months while I was living there).

  9. #18
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    Originally Posted by MissCanuck
    You care too much about how this man perceives you, OP.
    I donít want to be portrayed as a heartless b*tch by not replying to his message. I feel bad for not replying as it was such a heart felt message and pouring his heart out, but then again after reading about narcissistic people.. this could also be classified as ďnarcissistic hooveringĒ.

    Showing everyone that nice message he sent me and then saying I never replied to that..
    I just donít see the point in me even repeated all the reasons why we canít be in a relationship.

  10. #19
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Roadtoheal
    I donít want to be portrayed as a heartless b*tch by not replying to his message. I feel bad for not replying as it was such a heart felt message and pouring his heart out, but then again after reading about narcissistic people.. this could also be classified as ďnarcissistic hooveringĒ.

    Showing everyone that nice message he sent me and then saying I never replied to that..
    I just donít see the point in me even repeated all the reasons why we canít be in a relationship.
    If you truly think that he is narcissistic, then you should know good and well that there is NOTHING heartfelt about anything he says or does. It is all pure manipulation and you are naive to the nth degree to think it's heartfelt.

    You are not a b*tch, you are a pushover and your refusal to block him is quite frankly telling him that you are weak, pathetic and leaving the door open for further manipulation because you can't manage to set and enforce boundaries. He doesn't care one bit about you, he only cares about messing with your head, fooling you, duping you. That's what narcissist are all about.

    You are so stubbornly clinging to seriously self destructive nonsense and warped ideas of what is and isn't nice and misplaced guilt that you really would benefit from professional help. If you don't work on yourself and get your head screwed on straight, either you'll end up back with him or another narcissist and yet another toxic relationship despite your proclamations that you'd never. I don't believe you and neither does he. You know why? Because you can't manage to block him and will make every excuse in the book for not letting go. You talk the talk, you are not walking the walk.

  11. #20
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    Originally Posted by DancingFool
    If you truly think that he is narcissistic, then you should know good and well that there is NOTHING heartfelt about anything he says or does. It is all pure manipulation and you are naive to the nth degree to think it's heartfelt.

    You are not a b*tch, you are a pushover and your refusal to block him is quite frankly telling him that you are weak, pathetic and leaving the door open for further manipulation because you can't manage to set and enforce boundaries. He doesn't care one bit about you, he only cares about messing with your head, fooling you, duping you. That's what narcissist are all about.

    You are so stubbornly clinging to seriously self destructive nonsense and warped ideas of what is and isn't nice and misplaced guilt that you really would benefit from professional help. If you don't work on yourself and get your head screwed on straight, either you'll end up back with him or another narcissist and yet another toxic relationship despite your proclamations that you'd never. I don't believe you and neither does he. You know why? Because you can't manage to block him and will make every excuse in the book for not letting go. You talk the talk, you are not walking the walk.
    In my defence, I deleted him off all forms of social media. I genuinely thought that because I have a private FB account if I deleted him that he wouldnít be able to message me. I didnít realise that wasnít the case.

    I havenít replied to him. I think the fact that he can see Iíve read his message and by not replying will not make me appear weak? It should send the message loud and clear that I donít want anything to do with him by not replying and leaving it on ďreadĒ.

    The other thing is what if he isnít actually narcissistic.. and I have convinced myself that he is
    Last edited by Roadtoheal; 06-16-2020 at 07:14 PM. Reason: Adding things on

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