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Thread: Tips for moving on

  1. #1
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    Tips for moving on

    So.. I kind of already know all the things I have to do yet I keep cycling. Break ups suck. I stayed in a relationship that hasn't been going anywhere for too long. We were only together a year but I feel like it's been kind of a waste because I had too much hope. My ex has mood issues and the whole relationship felt like walking on eggshells because one day he's happy and the next he just wants to be left alone or is aggregated. Etc. We never seemed to come up with decent compromises to things and my needs often went unmet. Quality time and affection are my love language and it got to the point where I embarrassingly pushed for more when of course that never really pans out. I deserve to be with someone that's willing to at least compromise on each other's needs and be understanding. Often my needs were referred to as juvenile or needy. I am not perfect and I've been rather emotional about it all but how is one supposed to feel when they feel rejected any time they try. The relationship wasn't always that way and then there are times in between that wasn't like that so the mix of the happy times like to haunt me. Now I'm moving out to my own place. Originally that was to give each other some space to see if maybe we could work things out and kind of step back and restart but there's more complicated stuff to it. He has very young daughter that he hasn't been able to see much because the mother moved out of state several hours away and hasn't been super cooperative. Whole other story. He's decided as soon as the lease is up at the end of the summer that he's moving there so he can see his daughter more and get his rights established which I fully support more than anything because I know how important it is as a parent to be in your child's life and no father that desperately wants to be on their child's life should be kept from that. He is a good father. I can tell because no matter what we've gone through he's always been good to my daughter. Has taught her a lot and spent so much time with her etc. I have to start letting all of this go. It's been hard because he continues to tell me that he loves me and he cares and then shows that sometimes but I know it's not permanent and I would never ask him to stay or anything and realistically I shouldn't move (no matter how much I don't fully enjoy where I live) with someone that is not completely invested in a relationship or in a good place mentally for one anyway. I know all of these things but my stupid heart won't catch up. He wants to remain friends and I wish that I could but I feel like the more I do that the more I will continue to want more.

    I hate the idea of starting all over again. I have this crazy fear also with being older (in my earlyish to mid 30's) that by the time I find someone looking for something serious that I will be too old to have another kid. One day I would like to get married and have a kid. I know that has to come at the right time when both people are on the same page and compatible enough, etc. I know I have to shift my focus on me and just do my best and continue with all my other goals in life with my education, career, daughter, health. I'm trying to keep in touch with the few friends and family that I do have. With covid and a kid it's tough to get out and do things I used to enjoy like going to see live music, movies, comedy improv shows, etc. My hobbies are usually entertainment based. I guess I have to come up with something different. I would love to get out and make new friends also but not sure when I'll have a safer opportunity to meet new strangers to get to know. Etc.

    Any other ideas for distractions and ways to cope. I find myself dwelling and losing hope but I have to hang onto hope and positivity and I have to know this feeling won't last forever. I hope. I have to let go but I guess I do have to allow myself time to heal as well. What else can I do?
    Last edited by Acolyte2020; 06-15-2020 at 07:44 PM. Reason: Typos

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    How old is your daughter and when did you and your ex break up?

    I missed your earlier posts in February. It looks like this relationship was fraught with issues and you've been hurt throughout a lot of it.

    My biggest piece of advice: start getting comfortable with the large spaces and quiet inbetween. Too often we look for noise and friends and people to fill the gap when what we should be doing is being comfortable with ourselves in all that expanse of time and space. I know this sounds annoying and asinine even in the face of chaos and things falling apart in a relationship but I mean it. You need to be able to find a stillness and a calm in the quiet without the anxiety. It takes time. Give yourself time to be still. It'll also force your thoughts to steady and for the panic and withdrawal of losing someone to slowly subside.

    Being friends with an ex rarely works so be realistic and limit contact with this person while you are healing. Give it a few months and come back to it later. There is no reason to be rude or disrespectful to one another. Agree to go your separate ways but don't slam the door shut. It's a gentle and eventual close of the door that ends with a click. You may hear it click later or you may not. You may be too busy living your life to hear it click eventually.

    ...But definitely do continue to live your life with your daughter. Find peace and serenity in the quiet. Create new routines and rituals. A friend the other day was telling me about her new bedtime ritual. She is also divorcing her husband of 23 years and they share a son. She writes in a gratitude journal each night (just a few words) to remind herself of things (big or little) that she's grateful for. I like this a lot but I can't seem to keep to a journal if my life depended on it. I always start one and then I come back to look at it a year or two later, realizing I forgot to write in it for so long. What I like doing is enrolling in courses not for the credits but for the interest in a particular area. Why not? I'm also forced to think in different ways and learn new perspectives from other classmates in online discussions. I don't need these courses and they're a past time, not for my career. There's no pressure at all and I'm enjoying it.

    Entertainment can be found online also if you have the right apps. Pick shows that enrich you and make you think or take you some place else and force your mind to think in new ways. I get the sense like you're stuck or feel stagnant. Break out of it and try something new. It doesn't have to be wild and it doesn't have to put your daughter's or your health in jeopardy. What about going on YouTube and coming up with a recipe that both of you can make together? I have this idea that she's less than 10 years old but I'm not sure. Do you have a sewing machine? You could look at patterns online and ask her to pick something she likes and make something for the both of you. If you don't, there are other activities you can find to do together.

    Your ex has things he has to do so let him go to do those things. You too have things to do. Enjoy your time with your daughter and don't be afraid of change. Don't be paralyzed. Keep enjoying new things and re-purposing old ideas into new ideas.

  3. #3
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    Thank you for your response. Those are some good ideas. I have attempted journals before too and have a hard time keeping up but I may attempt it again. A gratitude journal would be perfect. You're right about my daughter, she is just under 10. She's 9. We'll come up with stuff we can do over the summer here hopefully. I will be a bit busier this fall with work and then school in the evenings (working on my bachelor's). I do have to take time to practice being still and getting more comfortable and at peace with that. You're advice has been very helpful. Thank you.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Very welcome... keep the faith. The forum helps too. Feel free to join in the discussions. YouTube is really brilliant with looking up recipes. It's my new thing to do lately.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this, you are doing the right thing moving out. This was never meant to be and the sooner it's completely over the better you will feel.

    My advice about him/the situation remains the same: [Register to see the link]
    Originally Posted by Acolyte2020
    I'm moving out to my own place.


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