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Thread: Am I completely to blame?

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Jun 2020

    Am I completely to blame?

    Hey all.

    I was recently broken up with by my fiancee of 2 and a half years. It came completely out of the blue for me as whenever there has been an issue in our relationship we have both been open and honest and worked towards resolution, coming out of it stronger. I had a very hard past 5 months, and I'll admit that I took some of my problems out on my ex unintentionally (emotionally relying on them, venting to them) but i was constantly told to talk to them about how i was feeling and if i didn't do so she would get angry at me about it. During this time I had issues with physical intimacy and could not reach climax. When I noticed this and she noticed this she would become upset and blame herself, saying she is not good enough and that I no longer find her attractive. I shot that down straight away, explaining that she is the most beautiful and sexy girl in the world and that she is amazing at sex. I explained that it was due to stresses (She was aware of my stress) and that I am actively working on sorting things out so they no longer affect me, and in turn our relationship. My affections and behaviour towards her did not change. I would smoother her with the affection she wanted, constantly compliment her honestly, and be there for her whenever she needed/wanted me.

    Things changed a couple of months ago. When I would talk to friends she would get upset that I had friends and she didn't (She did hsve friends as she was pretty much always messaging them on her phone, more than i was) she started saying that any of my female friends that messaged liked me more than a friend, she would get frustrated if i disagreed with her about this, and made a point as we were breaking up that all those people came running back to me. Prior to this she had gotten very angry and thrown her glasses at me, punched me in the leg, and punched my arm. These were 3 seperate occasions over our relationship, all 3 of which were over silly trivial things such as her assuming I was ignoring her while we were out on a walk with my 10 year old niece. All of which i forgave her for, and held her as she cried and apologised.
    There was a time early in our relationship where her mom was constantly finding reasons to pick fights with me. I would ignore this and try to be neutral and just support my partner. It got to a point where she felt she had to choose between me and her mother, and i told her I would step away because not only can I not he in that situation but it's not healthy for her to be either. She cried and numerous times I had to drive an hour to her in the middle of the night to comfort her or rescue her from her family. This passed and i worked hard to form a bond with her mum.

    She broke up with me two weeks ago because she can't do this anymore and needs time. When I asked what she meant she said that the relationship has been one sided on my side, and toxic. That she is constantly trying to make me happy and not looking after herself. That I made her feel unloved and unatractive by not giving her physical intimacy, and that i don't listen to her and just get angry. I've never actually been angry in front of her, I'm not an angry person, even now i can't be angry at her, but i will admit that I did get frustrated from time to time when she would bring something up to talk about, and then she would change her mind and say it doesn't matter. I would say yes it does matter, you matter, and she would perceive that as anger. Any way, she broke up with me over messenger, refused to let me see her face to face for a full day, and wouldn't listen when i asked about us having a break instead of completely breaking up.

    When I finally saw her she was crying, apologising and saying she never thought it would be like this but i hurt her too much. I opened up completely about everything again but she said it was too late. I was suicidal, completely heart broken, a mess. This was the person I planned on spending the rest of my life with. Standing infront of me crying, saying they love me, saying they are sorry, telling me not to hate them. All i could do was hug them and tell them it's okay. I dropped her home and she asked me to come in. I did. We cried and cuddled and she told me she wants to be more than friends but not in a relationship and that she sees a future for us. I agreed and we had a good afternoon together. A few days pass and she changes her mind stating that she can't be more than friends, when i ask her what changed her mind she coldly said that she is allowed to change her mind. I told her straight out that i can't just be friends with her. That I love her and that it would be way too hard for me. A few more days pass and we go into LC because it's not giving her the time she needs to sort her feelings out. That goes to NC on my part a few more days later because waiting for her to message me was unhealthy and killing me. Then yesterday hapoened.

    I messaged a mutual friend for advice on what I can do to help work through things with her. The friend tells her and she messages me telling me not to talk to her friends about our situation. That it's frustrating and not okay. I apologise, admitting that I was in the wrong, just wanting to see what else I can do to help her heal.
    We end up calling, she says she's felt the least stressed she has in ages because we aren't talking, and that she's felt like for months. That I've really hurt her and that she won't forgive me because she knows herself and she doesn't forgive. That she decided 2 days ago that we have no future together and that's it. I ask her why she didn't open up about her feelings months ago, and also tell her that it's not good to be in a frame of mind where you can't forgive someone, even with time. She fights it, says she told me and i didn't listen, and that she is just like that. I give up at this point. If been holding onto hope for 2 weeks that we could work this out with time and space, but it was done. I say goodbye to her and she says to me "I really love you"

    A friend offers to message her to see if she's okay and such, I'm like nah, she's gonna get angry at that but yeah, I wanna know she's okay. Friend messages her, she gets angry at me because i included someone else into it and gave them her name. I didn't give them her name, it was over Facebook, she already knew about us both. Doesn't matter. I screwed up.

    Give it to me honest.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Clio's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2011
    No, you are not completely to blame. It sounds like the relationship stopped working a long time ago and slowly deteriorated. It sounds like your communication styles are incompatible. In essence, you two were incompatible in the long-term. Thus, the relationship could not handle your respective problems/issues and when life got tough as it inevitably does, it broke down.

    As most dumpers, she has created a narrative in her head where you are to blame for all her problems and the demise of the relationship. That doesn't make it true. You both share a contribution in how the relationship turned out. Hitting you and breaking up via messanger are imo glaring signs that her issues are equally serious to whatever issues you may have.

    Imo, you need to accept the break up and stop all contact. You need to take a step back and think long and hard why you wish to pursue someone who decided that she is better off without you. So far, she broke up with you in a disrespectful manner, used you as a scapegoat for all her problems, used you as a friend with benefits to make herself feel better, tried to friend zone you so as to avoid feeling your loss while moving on and when you declined being used like that, she went back to blaming you for everything.

    Your mistake in all this is going after her and worse yet, involving third parties. You need to accept the break up and realise what it means. It is over. It might not have been your choice, but she is no longer your concern. Whether she is ok or not is no longer your business. What she does is no longer your business. Plus, it is all about her. Going after her will only get you used either as a stepping stone to someone else or as a scapegoat for everything that went/goes wrong, as you are currently being used. You two are no longer an item. It was her decision. You need to respect that and cut all contact. You have stated your wishes, you have done all you could, your work is done. Time to accept it is over and move on.

    The person you remember no longer exists.
    Her feelings changed. She has changed. What she does is all about her. She is no longer the person you remember. You need to let go of the past and focus on your present. Time to get off her emotional rollercoaster, which is all about her, her, her. You are a single person. You have a new life to build where your sole focus is healing yourself, addressing your own problems and moving on to meet, in time, a new girl whose communication style will be better suited to your own. The key to all this is to accept the loss and cut all and any new information about your ex from reaching you. No contact may sound drastic but it will give you back your power, your self-esteem, clarity to accept the incompatibility and space to evolve into your new better single self. Good luck.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Cloud Nine
    It's abusive. She punches you. You spread the toxicity all over dumping on friends. Stay away from each other.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2016
    It's not all your fault, but I do think BOTH of you made mistakes with one another.

    I will say though, that she has no right whatsoever to raise her hand to you and she should be ashamed of herself. Who the hell does she think she is? It doesn't matter if you upset her, disappointed her or whatever the issue is, she cannot be hitting you. That is reason enough to be charged with assault and I'm telling you, if you were my son, she would have been charged asap.
    No, I'm not kidding.

    You sound like you've been far more reasonable with things than she has been. She sounds spoiled, where things have to be her way all the time. She has a hard time considering other people's feelings other than her own and will throw a fit if it doesn't go her way.

    Truthfully, you dodged a bullet and whether you think so or not, you can do way, way better than her.
    Give it time. Allow yourself to heal. This could be the path to someone better. I know you might not be ready to hear that just yet, but it could be true.

    You're a good guy, you did what you could. But you deserve better.


  6. #5
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2015
    central Florida
    Given time and distance away from this, you will realize she did you a favor by breaking up. Her lack of maturity shines through in so many of your instances. I don't know how old you are, but think of this as a starter relationship. You should have learned from it what you do and don't want, and to spot red flags faster in the future. The first time she hit you, you should have either ended it, or told her she needed to attend an anger management class or you would walk away.

    A person who cares will communicate about problems and work on the with you. She bailed. She doesn't care. Mourn what you had. Delete her as a contact. Heal. Be alone and figure out a happy life solo before you're ready to date again. The right woman will never walk away. Not even once.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2019
    Her physical violence towards you was wrong but you also seem to attract a lot of drama and it's bled into this relationship. You're right about the issues early on in the relationship. That is not her burden to bear. There's a fine line between handling your own issues and sharing thoughts with a partner.

    Would you also please clarify about your female friends? That was a long sentence and it's not clear to me.

    When I would talk to friends she would get upset that I had friends and she didn't (She did hsve friends as she was pretty much always messaging them on her phone, more than i was) she started saying that any of my female friends that messaged liked me more than a friend, she would get frustrated if i disagreed with her about this, and made a point as we were breaking up that all those people came running back to me.
    I think you shut her out early on and were too preoccupied with yourself and your friendships to listen and communicate when she made attempts to communicate. You also seem to search for answers in the most unfortunate ways. Others pointed about bringing third parties into your relationship. Her mother didn't like you. Mothers usually know and have a 6th sense about their children, whether someone is a positive or negative influence. I think her mother picked up traits about you that she didn't like her daughter being around with. Once crossed, that line can rarely be uncrossed. You didn't make good first impression and I think that had a lasting effect and imprint on the dynamics of the relationship afterwards. Even if you are absolved of all wrongdoing, take this as a lesson that you can't date or marry someone without their family. This is a package deal in any dating scenario if you're seriously dating someone.

    When you say you were frustrated with her, what did that usually involve? You've talked a lot about how she mismanages her actions and words towards you. How frustrated did you really get? Did you stonewall her? Avoid conversations? Continue engaging in activity that hurt her or make her distrust you?

    Both of you do need better communication. Listening helps. You didn't listen to her.

    When I read your story I'm not just looking at it from your perspective (although I do feel for you too). When someone acts out like that and their support network is wary of you, I also have to question why.

    Take all this with a grain of salt. It's over. The best thing you can do for yourself now is respect her and respect yourself. Give yourself time to rethink the entire relationship (give yourself a few months) and don't make any moves. Don't date, don't see other people, enjoy your time alone and take a time out to reflect. It might give you the much-needed time for the dust to settle. Never invite negative influences or act as a punching bag. If you carry a burden of guilt or need help rebuilding your self-esteem, engage with yourself and others in positive ways. Volunteer or help out in the community, look at active ways of improving yourself, your professional life and always watch the company you keep. They DO affect relationships. The people you choose in your life affect your thoughts and your other relationships quite a lot. Be cautious and aware.

    Good luck and don't get too down. Keep going.

  8. #7
    Join Date
    May 2020
    It seems there is far more to this story that your opening thread of what happened, and the reason why she broke up with you.
    Something about the female friends has that suspicions vibe about it...
    She should not have punched you, but again what did you do to provoke that reaction in her?
    I’ve also heard couples that were play fighting and the guy has turned around played victim and said “she punched me, look at these bruises” but she was actually egged oh by him and it was play fighting...

    You say you didn’t get angry at all, something in your reaction / demeanour would have made her perceive you as being angry. Maybe you were passive aggressive with her, or who knows? Only you know how you treated and reacted toward her.

    I’m playing devils advocate here, but also going with what my gut was telling me when I was reading your thread.. I feel her side of the story could be a different story all together and perhaps her reasons for leaving you were valid from her perspective and values.

    It seems your ego is hurt because she broke up with you, you feel like the victim and we should feel sorry for you because she refuses to give you another chance.

    Perhaps how you were in the relationship and treated her, makes you not worthy of another chance and that is why she decided to do what was best for her and end the relationship.

    Some about the female friends were clearly a trigger for her? It seems she possibly had reason to feel uneasy about these female friends?

    Another poster picked up on this too. Something about this makes me think there is a lot more to this story and background / her reasons to why she decided to end things with you.

    I notice you mentioned there were specifically 3 occasions where she acted in an appropriate way. No mention of any times you ever were in the wrong as such? Seems to me you have made it seem like you were the saint in the connected and did no wrong, and it was all her. Even explaining how you’d cuddle when she wanted and all that.. so because of that, it makes her reasons for leaving invalid.

    No accountability and refusal to see or come to terms of her reasons for deciding to walk away.

    Those are only my thoughts. Take them as you will.

    I don’t think it’s fair on her that you continue to harass her when she’s made it clear that it’s over. You aren’t respecting her wishes.
    Last edited by Roadtoheal; 06-16-2020 at 03:08 PM. Reason: Adding to it

  9. #8
    Join Date
    Jun 2020
    I just want to clarify, that I am a female. I really appreciate all the honest feedback and criticism. I am not looking for sympathy. I know i made mistakes, I should of pushed harder to make things right, and to open up the communication lines better. We both don't like conflict so when it arose I would try to be as positive as i could about resolution. In terms of her family not liking me, they did. Her mum had some issues with the amount of time we would spend together and admitted that she was jealous that her daughter was spending more time with me than her. We had a open conversation about it and resolved those issues by making sure time spent together didn't affect others around us. Her mum actuslly wanted me to move in with them and actively seeked to spend time with me and i did the same with her. The 3 of us would do chores together and go on adventures. In the end her mum had no idea what was going on and tried to stay in contact with me.

    In terms of other girls, I cut off friends that made her feel uncomfortable because i didn't want her feeling that way. They were people from college and we would only talk about assignments or events of the day. They were all straight and I myself felt uncomfortable talking to other lgbt people because i didn't want to put strain on our relationship. My two best friends are a gay guy who I've known since i was 5 and a pansexual girl in a long term dedicated relationship that I've known for 5 years. I have no attraction to either of them, and when i say we would message it would be 2 or 3 messages a month. I'm not making excuses, I'm trying my hardest to be honest and find the faults I have made as i don't wsnt to hurt anyone again. I didn't want to hurt her, I honestly love her more than anything in my life, more so than myself and i see know that that is bad as i lost myself in her.

    In terms of what happened for her reactions, I will explain. The first time we were having a bbq with my family. She was going through hsrd times at home and i noticed she was quiet and upset. I asked if she wanted to talk about it and we went to habe a chat. She was uoset because her mum wouldn't tell her she loved her. I apologised and said that it wasn't fair. I asked if she wanted me to tske her home to talk about things, she got nore upset and said that it wouldn't help because she felt her mum didn't love her anymore. I said that's not true, she's your mum, she loves you, it's just a hard time and it's not fair on you. I asked her if i should step back out of her life for a bit so she can mend thinhs with her mum, and she threw her glasses at me saying that I'm just gonna leave and give up. She stormed out and i held her as she cried, told her I won't leave and that i didnt mean it thay way, that i would jusy step back and give her and her mum time to heal. She said no and things moved on.
    The 2nd time we were driving to drop something off at the post office. I honestly can't remember how the argument started as i was trying to find a place to pull over so i didn't have an accident. I think the shock of her hitting me takes over the events leading up to it.
    The last time we were at a beach house with family, and we went for a walk with my young niece and her friend (about 9 years old) I was walking next to my ex and tried to hold her hand, she pulled away. I asked her I'd she was okay and she said that I was paying no attention to her and focusing on my niece. I apologised explaining that i have to look after them while on the walk but I'm sorry for being distant. She starts getting angrier the more I pay attention to her and tell the girls we have to head for home because o don't feel well. Once we get there she threatens to walk home (we are like 50miles from home) I break down at this point and cry, I don't know ehat to do anymore. No matter whst I did I was doing something wrong and that i was sorry. I went to hug her and she punched my arm, and told me not to touch her. I was making things worse so i called my sister to help and she calmed her down enough that We sorted it out. She apologised for being needy and i apologised for making her feel like she wasn't my main priority.

    I've blamed myself for this since we broke up. However, recently she has said that I blamed her for it. I know a relationship is a two way street, and when it ends it does so because of faults on both ends. I have apologised for my parts in the break up, she apologised for breaking up with me. Her mum was the one who said to her that she has made mistakes too.

    When I get frustrated I try to work things out by talking about how we are feeling and what i need to do to make things better. I will walk away to gather my barings and then come back and talk about it. I explain that i jus tg need a couple of minutes to think about how to approach the situation and then i return.

    I'm sorry if this doesn't make sense, or answer your questions.

  10. #9
    Join Date
    Jun 2020
    To further explain, I have fully come to terms that it is over. I respect her decision now to end things as i just want her to be happy. I have removed her from social networking, removed photos of us and deleted her number.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2017
    Sorry for your hurt.

    Reading what you're writing I can't help but feel, along with some others, that this is the sort of relationship that ends up teaching you a lot about what you need for a relationship to function rather than posture as functioning. That's not discrediting the whole thing—the potency of the connection, the genuine feelings shared, the history, and the heartbreak today—but there is just a lot of unhealthiness simmering here.

    You both had a hand in the unraveling, as is always the case, just as you both had a hand in building everything that shimmered. But the person you're describing sounds pretty immature and fragile—and, in trying to accommodate all that, it sounds like you feel into some immature habits yourself. Cutting off friends to placate her insecurities? Never really works, since rewarding another's insecurities is a solid way to ensure they stay active. Cutting yourself off from others in the LGBT community for similar reasons? Not a great longterm solution for a textured life of growth, and not even something you'd likely consider with another, more surefooted partner.

    And, of course, figuring out what you could have done to trigger someone to hit you? Well, no. Figure out what it is inside of you that feels deserving of that treatment, and get intimate with it, so no one else can stir it up. That spot inside of you that loved her more than you love yourself? It's time to fall in love with it, so love from another isn't used to plug the hole. That's a cork that always pops.

    All in all, I get the impression that she was kind of cast as the "fragile" one in your dynamic. That has some rewards, like someone always there to hold you when you're crying, but most people don't like to feel fragile, even when they don't quite know how to get stronger, sturdier. Breaking up abruptly—well, that seems to be her start, a way of finding power after feeling powerless for some time. That feeling, however, is not your doing, but more like a byproduct of your co-created dynamic, so hopefully you can come to forgive yourself sooner than later.

    Sounds like you know what to do now, in terms of respecting her choice and hoping for the best. Make sure, on that journey, to keep respecting yourself, maybe more than you have in the past, so you steer your own ship toward what's best for you, what you need to be happy.

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