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Thread: I am trying and I donít know what else to do...

  1. #1

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    I am trying and I donít know what else to do...

    First, a little background and I apologize for the long post, but I felt it was important to describe the entire situation. My girlfriend (31F) and I (36M) have been together for about two months, but it has not been an ordinary two months. We connected right away and created a unique bond. Naturally, we began to spend time together about 3-4 nights a week and we both feel strongly for one another. We both have children (her, 12M, and me twin 7F) from previous relationships and both our last relationships (not the ones where we had children) were abusive, both physically and emotionally to say the least. When we got together, we discussed what we don't want in our relationship such as keeping score, throwing something in another's face, sandbagging, expecting something in return for doing something nice, and being ignored.
    We are both going through difficult times in our lives and try to support each other the best we can. About a month ago, we got into our first argument which I was 100% at fault. She was expressing her feelings and I became defensive and invalidated her feelings. After receiving the feedback from her, I decided that I need to correct that behavior as it was not fair. I began researching online and even bought the Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus book to help (I did not tell her I got the book). I learned a lot and began putting what I learned into action.
    Last week, I had a difficult week dealing with my past and some legal items. She was there to support me via text and phone. On Thursday, I had a court date and it was difficult. After court, we planned for me to come to her house to spend time together. Upon my arrival, she was frustrated that I did not call her immediately after my court appearance, but rather waited until I arrived at her house. She stated that after her court date a couple of weeks ago, I was the first one to call since she knew I was worried. I apologized and stated that I needed time to think it over in my head, but yes I should have called. She then got upset that shortly after I walked into the house, I went to the refrigerator and was looking to make us both something to eat. By doing this, she thought I was asking her to cook something because I was hungry, which was not the case. I became frustrated and went outside to cool off. About 20 mins later, she came out and said she was sorry. Later in the afternoon, I was not doing to well emotionally and asked her to come sit by me and that I wanted to hug her. She was cleaning the house as my daughters were coming over on Saturday for the first time and she wanted it to look nice (she was not meeting them for the first time). Yes, I understand that, but I needed her support (which I don't ask for often. I believe this was the second time I came out and asked). I could tell she got frustrated but after 20 mins, she came by me and we enjoyed our evening together.
    The next morning after we awoke, I came out into the kitchen, she was cleaning and I could tell she was frustrated. I was not sure if I did something, so I decided to let her have some time alone and go outside to help in her garden (she told me that she does need time alone, at times, to reset). After an hour, I came inside and asked if there is anything else I could do to help. She then began to tell me she was upset that I apparently kept her up throughout the night as she was hot and asked me to move over many times (I did not remember this). She explained that she has a lot to do this morning and she could not do it yesterday as I needed her, that I slept later than normal, that I did not ask to help her until 10:15 am after I was done in the garden. I told her I was sorry and that I am here to help right now. She did not want my help and I told her she did not have to worry about me asking for her in-person support since I did not appreciate it being used against me. She became more upset and she needed to leave for her job and I needed to leave to head home to pick up my children. When I was driving home, she called to say she was sorry for getting overwhelmed and that she did not want to fight with me. I said that I did not want to either and that I was sorry.
    We continued with our plan and had a great weekend together. My daughters and I arrived at her home on Saturday and she had a great weekend planned with activities. She really did a great job and I thanked her for that. When the children are around, we are not affectionate with each other at this point. After a long day on Sunday, after the girls went to bed, I came into the bedroom and gathered my clothes to take a shower. She became frustrated so I asked her if she wanted to take a shower first. When we were both done with our shower, she asked why I could not spend 5 mins with her before I went to take my shower. She said she did not like how she felt and asked how I would feel if the situation was reversed. I told her she was right and that I definitely should have spent time with her, especially since we did not get to all weekend. I began to cuddle with her for about 30 mins and gave her a foot massage. She then turned over and said she was going to bed. I asked if she wanted me to cuddle with her and she said that she does not know how she feels right now. I said ok dear, I will let you be and went to sleep.
    Upon waking up, she was still frustrated and upset. While in bed, I asked her how she is doing. She said, first of all, I woke you several times as you were snoring and kept me up. You would not turn over from your back and kept me up most of the night (I don't remember her waking me up). She said she has so much to do this week and that now she has a migraine. I said I was sorry and asked if there is anything I can do. She said no and left the room. I got dressed, got my children dressed and got them ready to leave so that she can have time alone to feel better and so that they do not worsen her migraine. My children said goodbye and I asked them to wait in the car so I can talk to her. Upon coming back inside, she came back inside as well and said that she lost after getting off the phone. I asked what she lost and she said her court hearing this morning. I asked about it and she did not want to talk about it. She said she was upset that she felt ignored. That she was upset that she planned the whole weekend for my children and that I could not spend 5 mins with her yesterday. She was upset that I kept her up last night and then said that I forgot about her court date this morning. I knew she had a court date over the phone, but I thought it was in the late morning which was my fault. She expected me to ask how she was feeling about her court hearing and her week yesterday which I did not. She stated that I supported you for your court appearance but you did not for me. I wanted to explain that I thought it was in the late morning but I did not want to be accused of being defensive. Rather I said, I hear you, you are right, I understand why you feel like you do. Somehow, I was being defensive still. 20 mins later, one of my daughters knocked on the door and asked when I was coming. I asked her to please wait in the car. When she left, my girlfriend said now I feel rushed, you can leave. I said I am here to talk they will wait. She said, well it looks like they are running the show, my son would never do that. I said, let's not go there, please. She said they are and that I can leave. I said ok, I will leave. When I arrived home, I sent her a text that I was sorry I was not the best teammate and that she is loved and that I do care greatly. She replied thanks. A couple hours later she told me she was refocusing and becoming more independent again over text and that she was not attending our planned outing this upcoming Fatherís Day weekend. Not understanding what she meant, I asked to talk to her and when we got on the phone, she was rough and let me hear her thoughts. That she realized that she cannot be so dependent on others (meaning me) and that she needs to focus on herself. After asking her to describe it more, she said that she now cannot depend on me and is by herself. That yesterday she felt like she meant nothing and again this morning. I kindly asked her that although upset if she can please not base my mistake this time as a representation of the past and future. Not to pat myself on the back, but I feel I am there for her all the time whether it be by phone, helping her with her home, planning activities and making crafts for her. She then began to yell at me and I asked her nicely to not yell at me as she does not like it when I did one time in the past. She rolled her eyes. After talking through things more, she calmed down and said she would think about attending this weekend. She said she has a lot to think about and would talk to me later. A couple hours more, she texted me that she was hard on me and that she was sorry. She then asked what are somethings that I need to work on to make you happier and to be a better partner. I explained that I would ask her to try and be a little nicer and to not keep score or use things against me. That it makes me uncomfortable and pushes me away. She replied, I want you to be happy so I will be taking all of this into consideration. I asked her about what I need to work on and she said she has to sleep on it. I then asked if she wanted to talk and if she was ok. She replied I do want to talk but I have a lot to process so I donít think it is a good idea. I said I understood and wished her a good night and that I left a surprise under her pillow. She said thank you. I said I was sorry again for not being there this morning. She said no need to apologize.

    She does get frustrated easily and I try to understand and not take it personally due to what she is going through. Her ex-husband really did a number on her emotionally and used to ignore her, turn everything around that it was her fault, play games, not admit fault and not help around the house, rather play video games all the time. I really understand that, but I am getting frustrated with this behavior now. I feel that when I ask for support or when she does something nice for me, that I now have to worry if this is going to be thrown in my face. I also feel like I am on thin ice at times and do hold back how I am feeling. I don't want it to be like this as I am falling in love with her and want to be there. I am always thinking about her and I am putting in 100% effort but I feel that I keep upsetting her. Any advice or suggestions would be greatly appreciated. Thank you in advance.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Realitynut's Avatar
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    I'll say, before someone else does, please separate into paragraphs. Makes it easier to read. I read the whole thing, but it was difficult.

    Now, onto you guys. Of course it's only your side of the story, but yes, you sound as if you are walking on eggshells. I've read Men are from mars, and it's really into placating women's feeling. (which, I myself would like....but not all women! It makes you look like a pushover)

    Enough with the "I'm sorries" Ö.unless you really did say or do something WRONG...then they are just empty words. Sounds as if you can all have temper-tantrums, then sorry.

    I had/have problems with Borderline personality disorder. Lots of highs, then crashing when I feel I've been Hurt in someway. (ignored, something said, kids before me, etc. etc.) She seems mean spirited to me. Complaining you only had 5 min. with her the whole weekend, when you WERE with her the whole weekend....with the kids. Like a REAL couple. And then to complain when the 7 year old comes and asks when you are coming.....and she said it sounds as if they are running the show!!! NO! She's trying to hog into THEIR time....and have everything about her.

    It's ME, ME, ME....she sounds like a teenager instead of a 31 year old woman. Maybe that's why her ex husband ignored her...Ö.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    She's verbally and mentally abusive. I think you should be more careful about bringing your daughters over to her place. This may be a difficult time for both of you and it's only been two months. Your priority should be your daughters and ensuring that they don't get attached to someone this early. Don't be a pushover and next time firmly and politely excuse yourself and tell her you both can revisit the conversation at a better time.

    What you're doing is conditioning yourself for that ongoing mental abuse. You are also teaching your daughters that this behaviour coming from an adult woman is acceptable because it's the way your partner treats you (and it must be right). Stop it. Start thinking for your daughters and yourself.

    What she did was a kind thing and a sweet thing to do having your children over but these two weeks must be incredibly stressful with court dates. It's wise to take a time out and not depend on each other for ongoing support every single weekend. Give each other time to process what's going on outside of the relationship like your individual legal matters.

    Work on your self-confidence and self-worth. I feel it's very low.

    Practice positive reinforcement, spend more time alone with your daughters doing parent-child activities and taking them out or staying home with just the three of you and enjoying your time together. You are juggling a lot.

    Take a deep breath and start prioritizing a little better. Put your daughters ahead. They shouldn't have had to wait like that in the car for too long. They are watching how you deal with your relationships and how you treat them in relation to other people. They might have also seen how this relationship is affecting you and if you are becoming distant and aloof with them.

    Reconnect with your daughters. They need you.

    Re-prioritize this relationship and stop putting up with the verbal abuse.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Dating 60 days is soon enough to cut your losses. She's not ready to date.

    You are both in court and both angry and touchy. Sort out your issues first rather than this continuum of bad decisions and relationships.

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  6. #5
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    I didnít read even a quarter of your post. I didnít need to.
    Because in the first small part you said you have dated someone for less than 60 days and in less than 30 days you argued. Enough said!
    On top of that I got that you introduced your kids to her , a stranger to them and at this point still a stranger to you , irrelevant of the fact that you banged her. Sorry!!!

    Your children have become second in priority to this person. Why????

    And what is your question? I refuse to read past what I have just said because Iím guessing it doesnít bear well for your children and I kind of donít want to know.

  7. #6
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    Just from everything you wrote, this all doesn't sound good. Does your girlfriend have any mental health issues? In my opinion her behaviours are very over the top and are not normal. I don't think you did anything wrong from everything you were saying. She gets upset and cranky at the drop of a hat about anything and everything.

    Everything she got upset about was very trivial, unnecessary and some didn't even make sense. At best she's very intolerant. I'm a snorer and I know that nothing can really be done about snoring, unless it's actual sleep apnea. The fact that she gets upset and tries to make you feel bad about literally every single thing you do is ridiculous. I think you will never win. She does sound like she either doesn't like you that much or finds you annoying, or she has a mental health disorder. Obviously I'm not a doctor so can't comment on her mental health properly, but her behaviours don't sound healthy at all.

    People don't change so what you see of her now is who she really is. It won't get better, trust me. My honest advice is just to end it with her and find someone more stable. Even for your children's sake too, as they don't deserve this.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Don't just stroll into someone's house and stick your face in their fridge as if you're home.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    When we got together, we discussed what we don't want in our relationship such as keeping score, throwing something in another's face, sandbagging, expecting something in return for doing something nice, and being ignored.
    And yet that's exactly what happened, and is what usually happens when we start a relationship by stating what we don't want. If you look hard enough you will be able to find examples of these behaviors in every human being on the planet... no one is perfect... which is why we need to focus on what we do want and what we can offer a relationship, because it shifts our perception to the positive.

    I was surprised to learn you had only been together for 2 months... seems as though it moved really quickly with the two of you... explains why she now wants her independence... you guys seem to have lost yourselves in the process of being together... in successful relationships you need to be able to be independent while also being interdependent.

    20 mins later, one of my daughters knocked on the door and asked when I was coming. I asked her to please wait in the car. When she left, my girlfriend said now I feel rushed, you can leave. I said I am here to talk they will wait.
    This really concerns me OP. Your daughters are 7 years old... asking them to wait in the car for any period of time while you placate someone you barely know is not appropriate, never mind asking them to wait for well over 20 mins. What if something had happened to them while they were in the car? This needs to be a wake up call... that your girlfriend would actually not only be okay with this, but criticize your parenting skills when your daughter comes to knock on the door would be enough of a reason for me to end the relationship.

  10. #9
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    Originally Posted by maew
    This really concerns me OP. Your daughters are 7 years old... asking them to wait in the car for any period of time while you placate someone you barely know is not appropriate, never mind asking them to wait for well over 20 mins. What if something had happened to them while they were in the car? This needs to be a wake up call... that your girlfriend would actually not only be okay with this, but criticize your parenting skills when your daughter comes to knock on the door would be enough of a reason for me to end the relationship.
    I was actually thinking the same thing! Your girlfriend said something like: "I see who's calling the show, my son would never do this!" What??! Your daughters are 7-year-olds! They are very small children! You left them completely alone in the car for twenty minutes. Anything could have happened to them and she gets annoyed and says "I see who's running the show" and her son would never do it. This comment is not normal on so many levels! Something is not right with this woman. She's a mother herself and yet she had no concern at all for your little girls. I don't understand why you kept saying sorry, sorry, sorry to her all the time! You shouldn't have to apologise for anything!

  11. #10

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    Thank you for your thoughts and comments. I will definitely separate it into paragraphs in the future.

    You are completely correct on the apologies. I thought I may have been saying it too much and I am thankful for the validation.

    Yes, there are lots of highs and then lows. I am not sure if she has a mental disorder, but I do know she is on an anti-depressant. What I noticed is that little things will build up and then when I ask about what is wrong, I hear them all. At times, when I ask what is wrong, she will assume that I mean I need attention. She would say that she has things to do. I believe this may be an out to not really talk about what is on her mind. When the truth does come out, I feel like she is looking for something that I did wrong. Maybe I should talk to her and let her know what is on my mind, that the behavior is pushing me away. If I do this, I expect she will say I am trying to invalidate her feelings which is not the point. There may be no way to resolve this. Not sure. Do I ask her if she does not like me or if I am annoying?

    I don't want to become a pushover as I had enough of that in my previous relationship. I want to be supportive and am trying to take into consideration what she is personally going through. I agree that I need to focus on my self-confidence.

    I also appreciate the comments about my kids and them waiting in the car. The car was not on and I could see them out the window the entire time, so it is not like they were not supervised, but I completely understand your points. Definitely an eye-opener.

    BTW, an update. She called me this morning and was speaking to me as nothing happened. We talked several times during the day and she has not gotten back to me on what I need to work on. She does have court on Thursday, so not sure if I should ask her about what she thought about. I can definitely tell I am pulling away. I am not sending her texts as I normally do and when she asked what I was doing, I kept saying work, which I was doing. She texted me later in the day asking if she is going to be able to talk to me at all today. I said yes, we can.
    Last edited by Mandmjr; 06-16-2020 at 10:37 PM.

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