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Thread: I am trying and I donít know what else to do...

  1. #11
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    This may be a simple case of too much too soon. Slow down, step back. Address issues with exes, courts, custody, etc. Don't use minirelationships as a diversion.

  2. #12
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    HI OP
    so I read your answer about your two little girls waiting in the car. I'm relived that you could "see" them from the window but this scene illustrates everything that is going wrong in your relationship and more importantly in your life:
    You should never put your children in second place. They're already going through a very hard phase (divorce) and they need a father that put their well being First.

    That's not what you did. You put your relationship and your happiness first. Introducing them to a new women so soon after your separation with their mother is inappropriate. They are NOT ready for it and your relationship is not solid enough to introduce your children in it. Normally it is advised to wait at least a year. They should never have to "wait in the car" while daddy tries to fix his relationship with the new lady. When you have custody of your kids, your attention should be entirely focused on them.

    You might be confused and in pain about your new situation (divorce) so you throw your self in a new relationship where you are twisting your self in a pretzel in order to please someone who is pretty selfish and act like a very codependent kid. You are acting very co dependent yourself. You set your priorities as being "in love" and replacing your failed marriage by a new relationship very fast and at any cost. It's not working. You're hurting yourself more. Healing takes time.

    You have some responsibilities you need to take care of first. You should work on being in a good mental, emotional, financial and physical state so you can take care of your daughters and yourself First. Then, you can be in a relationship. Otherwise you will be jumping from bad to worse relationships.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Mandmjr
    Thank you for your thoughts and comments. I will definitely separate it into paragraphs in the future.

    You are completely correct on the apologies. I thought I may have been saying it too much and I am thankful for the validation.

    Yes, there are lots of highs and then lows. I am not sure if she has a mental disorder, but I do know she is on an anti-depressant. What I noticed is that little things will build up and then when I ask about what is wrong, I hear them all. At times, when I ask what is wrong, she will assume that I mean I need attention. She would say that she has things to do. I believe this may be an out to not really talk about what is on her mind. When the truth does come out, I feel like she is looking for something that I did wrong. Maybe I should talk to her and let her know what is on my mind, that the behavior is pushing me away. If I do this, I expect she will say I am trying to invalidate her feelings which is not the point. There may be no way to resolve this. Not sure. Do I ask her if she does not like me or if I am annoying?

    I don't want to become a pushover as I had enough of that in my previous relationship. I want to be supportive and am trying to take into consideration what she is personally going through. I agree that I need to focus on my self-confidence.

    I also appreciate the comments about my kids and them waiting in the car. The car was not on and I could see them out the window the entire time, so it is not like they were not supervised, but I completely understand your points. Definitely an eye-opener.

    BTW, an update. She called me this morning and was speaking to me as nothing happened. We talked several times during the day and she has not gotten back to me on what I need to work on. She does have court on Thursday, so not sure if I should ask her about what she thought about. I can definitely tell I am pulling away. I am not sending her texts as I normally do and when she asked what I was doing, I kept saying work, which I was doing. She texted me later in the day asking if she is going to be able to talk to me at all today. I said yes, we can.
    This was yesterday. Did you speak with each other yesterday at some point?

    Would you refresh me again - what is it is she getting back to you on? I'm not sure what you meant by "what [you] need to work on". You both may be looking at each other for too much emotional support to the point where it seems crippling. How do either of you have any time to process your own affairs and make your own decisions? I know this is a tough time right now. I think it's a good idea to slow down with the enmeshing and squashing your lives together. It's way too much too fast. Slow down and easy does it.

    Let the court dates come and go. Let a week or even two weeks go by before setting up a time to meet again. Keep in touch with each other over the phone. Spend more time with your daughters.

    You both need time to handle your affairs and your own business. Set healthier boundaries. It's one thing to be supportive and another to be each other's emotional crutch. I think it hinders both of you in the long term and you're hobbling along without ever learning how to stand or walk as individuals. Keep up the communication but don't depend so heavily on each other for feedback, tips and suggestions. You should both be autonomous and independent in your thoughts and actions. Come together as equals.

    Take a time out from dating if you're feeling a bit shaken from the past and unable to handle dating or relationships right now. This might not be what you want to hear but I don't think you're ready.

  4. #14
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    Originally Posted by Cannelle

    That's not what you did. You put your relationship and your happiness first. Introducing them to a new woman so soon after your separation with their mother is inappropriate. They are NOT ready for it and your relationship is not solid enough to introduce your children in it. Normally it is advised to wait at least a year. They should never have to "wait in the car" while daddy tries to fix his relationship with the new lady. When you have custody of your kids, your attention should be entirely focused on them.
    Thank you for the feedback. I have been divorced from the girl's mother for over two years and separated for about three years. My legal issues are not related to their mother. I do understand your point that it was too soon and the relationship needs to be solid. Lesson learned and I do need time.

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  6. #15
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    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    This was yesterday. Did you speak with each other yesterday at some point?

    Would you refresh me again - what is it is she getting back to you on? I'm not sure what you meant by "what [you] need to work on". You both may be looking at each other for too much emotional support to the point where it seems crippling. How do either of you have any time to process your own affairs and make your own decisions? I know this is a tough time right now. I think it's a good idea to slow down with the enmeshing and squashing your lives together. It's way too much too fast. Slow down and easy does it.
    Thank you for the comments. Two days ago she asked me what she needs to work on to make me happier and be a better partner. I shared my thoughts and then asked what I need to work on. She told me that she will need to sleep on it. We did talk yesterday, she could tell I was pulling away and asked to share what was on my mind. I shared a lot. The fact that I get uncomfortable at times and feel like I am walking on eggshells. She apologized and realized what she did was wrong. She said that she has anger and was taking it out on me which was not fair at all. I told her that I would still like to know what she believes I need to work on. We did not talk about it. Today was much better that I could tell she was a little overwhelmed when talking but she did not get frustrated with me or act as she did in the past. I realize this was only one day, but I wanted to share it.

    I agree that I need to slow down. Perhaps we are looking for too much emotional support right now, but I have made it a point to keep as much as I can about my situation to myself and only ask her for support when I absolutely need it. She, on the other hand, does need more support.

    I am interested to learn more about what you mean you don't think I am ready. Is there something I am doing wrong or expecting too much? Other than messing up and having my children in the car, I would like to understand more.

    Thank you again.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Mandmjr
    Thank you for the comments. Two days ago she asked me what she needs to work on to make me happier and be a better partner. I shared my thoughts and then asked what I need to work on. She told me that she will need to sleep on it. We did talk yesterday, she could tell I was pulling away and asked to share what was on my mind. I shared a lot. The fact that I get uncomfortable at times and feel like I am walking on eggshells. She apologized and realized what she did was wrong. She said that she has anger and was taking it out on me which was not fair at all. I told her that I would still like to know what she believes I need to work on. We did not talk about it. Today was much better that I could tell she was a little overwhelmed when talking but she did not get frustrated with me or act as she did in the past. I realize this was only one day, but I wanted to share it.

    I agree that I need to slow down. Perhaps we are looking for too much emotional support right now, but I have made it a point to keep as much as I can about my situation to myself and only ask her for support when I absolutely need it. She, on the other hand, does need more support.

    I am interested to learn more about what you mean you don't think I am ready. Is there something I am doing wrong or expecting too much? Other than messing up and having my children in the car, I would like to understand more.

    Thank you again.
    The only reason I'm saying to slow down is because she appears overwhelmed quite a lot but she also seems unaware that what she's doing is overwhelming her.

    She has a court date in the midst of all this (which got cancelled) and she's asking for suggestions on what she needs to work on the relationship with you after arguing quite a lot a few days ago. These are all within days of each other. She may even be sleep deprived or not sleeping well from stress and you physically sleeping over. I think it's understandable that most people would be frustrated, mixed up, fatigued or overwhelmed. On top of all this she is probably coming down from all the pressure of having your kids stay over on the same weekend that you had your court date. This may have all been her idea but she certainly would have been free to say no to all of it... I'd like to think so anyway. You seem like a very nice guy.

    Now that all that's happened, I think the best way forward is to practice more positive affirmations and encourage each other. It's good of both of you to chat frankly and be so constructive with each other but have fun too. If there are important dates coming up that may be stressful, know when to give each other space. Reconnect or meet up the next day or two days later. Let time and good sleep take care of the rest. I think things will start to fall into place a bit more if you both are able to give things more time.

  8. #17
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    In my opinion you barely know each other , yet claim to have a great bond.
    That bond is already cracking and disintegrating. Didnít take long.

    Itís like when I buy cheap glue to repair something , seems amazing at first until it just isnít.
    But sometimes itís not the glue that didnít work itís my impatience to let it settle and set.

    You are basically trying to be in an instant relationship with someone you should only be dating and getting to know.
    You shouldnít even know about each otherís court cases!!!

    Your children should never have been introduced until you are in a well developed relationship that has already passed these tests of compatibility ,or lack of. In this case it seems lack of.

    The only discussion you should be having with her is to say that you both have jumped the gun and ask her would she like to go on a date next week? No conversations about emotional support , legal battles etc just an old fashioned date of flirting etc
    And IF the date goes well arrange another one for a weeks time.

    START dating her! If you want to. And STOP pretending you know her or expecting she knows you.

    Good luck!

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