Bf is mentally unstable and can't take care of himself... Help please.

This is going to be long-winded, I'm sorry. I'll try to make it as easy as possible. Please be kind with responses.

I am 31 and my bf is 42.

We met working at the same place when he was a new hire. He was unhappily married and I was lonely and really liked him but I told him I wouldn't be involved unless he left her. He did and he also found a new job so we could be together without issue. He has been with me since, for 1.5 years. He also lives with me atm, which is what makes it so hard.

Bf is a good man. Works hard, loyal, friendly, romantic. Incredibly well-mannered and respectful from being a Marine. He has untreated issues from serving overseas twice and permanent injuries because of being hit by a drunk driver off-base. He was in a coma for a week. He is deaf in one ear, has short term memory loss and scars all over his body from skin grafts. He suffered a lot. He is also very "passive" in life, meaning he has goals but he doesn't really know how to and doesn't work towards them. He has no ambition and will just sit inside all the time unless I bug him to go out. He has absolutely no-self confidence. None. It's actually quite sad because he's a good guy but he's been beaten down all his life.

But he is just so immature and it's getting to me. He doesn't know how to control his finances, he doesn't know how to plan or save for anything. He's been in Canada since 2015 (moved here after his honorable discharge) for his ex and has nothing. No home, no permanent job (he has had four jobs since I met him). He hasn't been able to afford getting divorced yet. He just bought a car that is way outside his means, he just jumped in. He does pay rent and all bills but then he goes $250 into overdraft every month on takeout, energy drinks, coffee shop stops, junk food while he games. He is behind on his cell phone bill and who knows how many others because he doesn't know how to prioritize.

I have to make budgets. I have to make decisions. If we need to research something like insurance rates (for his car), I have to write down a list of places for him to call. I literally have to leave him lists of things to do or he'll just forget and won't do it. If we're trying to save for something, he literally has to transfer money to me so I can put it in my savings account for him. It's almost like having a child - and that is something I have never wanted.

Things started getting rocky a few weeks ago and I asked for a break. He broke down of course. He has no emotional capacity and doesn't know how to deal with feelings. He shuts down and beats himself up for everything. He found a place to go - and it was well outside his means because he doesn't understand what he can afford - so I took pity and let him stay with me. I knew he was about to jump into another thing he couldn't afford. We talked and because he still has the appointments to get help and he started helping out more, I agreed to give it another try.

Things were actually going really well. We sat down and had a talk about how he has to 100% keep seeing his doctor and therapist. He is on meds for depression now. Financials are still horrible. We were really getting along great, no worries... and then today he got suspended from work with no pay for an entire week because he rudely snapped at a customer (which is very much not like him). They said he isn't fired but they aren't sure what to really do because it isn't like him at all.

I love this man. I envisioned a future with him but since he came to Canada his luck has been horrible and he can't seem to get ahead. He has the best intentions and he tries so hard but nothing seems to work out. He has no friends, his family is all in New York. I'm wondering if maybe it's best for him to go back to the States for a while, but I don't know.

I'm so confused. I'm torn because of my feelings for him but I know deep down that he isn't going to change and it sucks because he has so much potential. I'm currently saving up for a house, I'm getting a new puppy in a month, I'm getting my beginner's license as soon as things open up again. I'm thinking about going back to school in a year or two. I have goals, things I'm working towards but I spend so much time focusing on his life that I'm barely focusing on my own.

Bf is just so mentally unstable that I'm honestly afraid to ask him to leave. I don't think that he can take care of himself, which is why I feel so damn trapped. I care about him and don't want anything bad to happen to him.

Does he have permanent residency?

Does he have permanent residency?

Yes, he does.

Can he call his dr to set up some kind of help?

Yes, he does.

Can he call his dr to set up some kind of help?

I have been asking him to seek out therapy since we met. I've even called and made an appointment - he didn't go. :( Doctor gave him a bunch of resources with his depression meds a couple weeks ago and he hasn't yet called.

Maybe he has reached the stage where he is barely functioning?

Maybe he has reached the stage where he is barely functioning?

I'm not sure what to do with that. How can I help when he won't even go to appointments that I set up to help him? :(

Well, we can’t force people, but maybe contact his family to say he is not doing well and needs to come home.

Why did you move in together so fast? Because he left his wife for you? What discussions did you have before hand? You should have known his financial situation and life skilla before you let him move in. Everyone seems normal till you live with them.

Its never easy to end things and especially someone not able to be an adult..but you cant sacrifice your own life for his.

This is a tough lesson to learn but, you got way too serious, way too fast with this man. It's not your fault he's a train wreck. You took care of him for a year and a half...

I think he probably needs to go back to the US. As a vet, there may be resources to help him.

Then get your own head on straight and be more careful who you make life decisions with...

Moving in together is a mistake I take full credit for. The person he was renting from decided to sell the house in Dec and he ended up moving in with me then. I shouldn't have let him. It was my fault.

I'm trying to talk him into going back to the States for a while to work on things a little.

Dating is not social work. You need to let him get the appropriate veterans and disability help.

The way I see it is you have done all you can. He refuses all help. Doesn't go to any appointments. In other words ... if he doesn't help himself, then no-one can.

This may seem harsh, but you have every right to ask him to leave for YOUR own mental health. This "relationship" is going nowhere (imo) and if he refuses to seek appropriate help, the relationship is doomed. Is this what you imagine for your future? Unhappy, miserable and unhealthy future? Think about it.

I'm guessing that the way he is right now, he's not stable enough to be in a relationship. Whether he can get better in future or not is hard to know. For starters, he would need to WANT to get better and get help. Which it doesn't seem like he does. His forgetfulness might be coming from his injury and his memory problems that he gets because of it. I know he's overall a nice person, but it sounds like his cognitive and mental health issues really take over his life.

I'm a disability and mental health workers and I've worked with people who have acquired brain injury and all sorts of other conditions. It's not their fault in most cases but that doesn't mean that it's not difficult to be around them. You sound like a nice and compassionate person but you don't need to always put yourself last.

If you're not happy in the relationship and a lot of things bother you, you don't have to stay with your boyfriend just because you feel bad for him. Especially because he's not making much effort to actually get help and try to improve himself.

OP you can't do this for him... he has to make a decision to do this for himself. It's one thing to walk beside him on his journey with compassion... it's a totally different thing when you are attempting the journey dragging him behind you.

He may not want the life you want for him... and that's okay. You need to either accept him where he is now, or you need to let him go and move on.

I have been asking him to seek out therapy since we met. I've even called and made an appointment - he didn't go. :( Doctor gave him a bunch of resources with his depression meds a couple weeks ago and he hasn't yet called.

Wouldn't this be a big red flag of what's to come? My impression is he is doing it on purpose so you don't leave...maybe leaving will motivate him to get off his butt...it's looking like codependency, and that's not a healthy relationship.

Do you know if he expected his wife to parent him as well?