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Thread: Broke up today

  1. #1
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    Broke up today

    So today my 1.5 year relationship ended. Over something that has been present and boiling since the start. I'm upset, annoyed, exhausted, resentful, deeply sad, and numb from it all.

    When we first started dating back in the winter of 2018 she had told me from the start she would make a terrible partner, due to the fact that 8 months prior she and "the love of her life" collapsed their relationship (a bit more complicated than that but it came to an end then). She's 28 and I'm 31. Throughout our relationship she had been open with me about her healing, and their contact, and although it did bother me and I felt it was degrading to our relationship, I kept my chin up and we kept trudging forward; I did state my insecurities around this and she told me she was not the type to cheat or any of that, so as to assuage my mind in a minor way. And it's not as if they would be in physical contact due to the other fact of him living abroad.

    Her and I both knew that we had potential as well as an amazing connection and relationship of our own. The two of them stayed in contact, whilst both seeing a new partner of their own, until the end of August. I think their messages were that of two people wounded trying to reconcile some part of their previously held love.
    Her and I had just returned from a 3 week trip to Europe at the tail end of the summer. One night she messaged her ex and he didn't respond to her message, where it seemed like she was seeking closure -- as much as she could get anyways. She was sort of wishing him well in his journey. He didn't end up responding. For the first time ever, he went silent and then uploaded a photo of him and his new girlfriend on whatsapp (where they were messaging) pretty quickly after going silent for no real reason. Maybe for the fact she was seeking some semblance of closure?

    Anyways, months go by and they don't talk; still haven't to this day. This upset her that he just dropped off and went ghost, which I can understand her anger, as she was seeking closure in some minor way. She sent one message after her initial which was pretty sharp, but nothing after that. She still thought and thinks about him after that, and we even had days where she would be distant because of a past memory springing up of him; or waking up with him in her dream - which would derail our whole day and intimacy. no closeness to be had for 24 hours.
    I felt as if I was stuck. Stuck in a relationship where I love this person immensely but being strung along in a way too, there fro her emotionally, but facilitating her healing at the expense of her and my relationship. Her unhealed wound bleeding on both of us.

    She told me often she cared, and showed it frequently. She never told me she loved me. Said she doesn't really believe in that word. We traveled, went out, she would pay for dates, we never flaked on each other, we had a ton of sex, she talked about our future, I talked about ours, we talked about anything and everything, spent weekend together, cooked. Everything that a couple that is in love would do. Except this shadow ex was always there. In my mind. Because he was in her mind. And also her email inbox; the drafts....

    From the time he hadn't reached out, she had probably drafted him roughly 9 personal letters. Talking about healing, missing him, crying over him, you name it. Their love defying dimensions and going beyond ones dignity. True love by the sounds of what she told me. This crumbled me inside. The drafts were updates about her life mixed with a once beheld feeling with him. She called this her way of healing. A diary in a way. But to me, it just looks and sounds like my girlfriend emotionally longing for another man and who is unable to relinquish what she really desires.

    It made me tremendously insecure. Always has. So any time a mention of his name, location, or accent comes up i'm immediately put on defense and felt a rush of adrenaline mixed in with being shut-down. She would tell me how insecure I was being and how it is a turn-off -- that it chokes her attraction for me. But how could I honestly not have been? I had two options.. be in the relationship and accept wholeheartedly she will always be looking backwards, or just leave. Both are brutal. One doesn't have her in my story, but I didn't want that. The most recent letter which was drafted was 1 month ago. She had apparently drafted it a day after her and I had a fight, which was probably something to do with him and some other innocuous thing (I can't remember). So for the last month since her sharing that information, I have been being eaten alive. "This will never ever go away" is what I always heard come to my mind. If I stay in this relationship, I am sacrificing myself so she can still have this idea of a person she cannot let go of. And she's okay with being half in and half out our relationship.

    Yesterday I brought it up. It didn't go well. We ended up arguing on a nature walk. She had no solutions and I have none. There was and is nothing I could or can ever do. We argued for awhile and then she left my place. We talked on the street and not much got resolved. She said she want's our relationship but she can't deal with these issues for the rest of our lives, said she doesn't like how I behave in the face of them -- which to me, is total bs because obviously I'm not going to be super nonchalant about an issue which has plagued our relationship for 1.5 years.. An issue where literally anyone who truly cares WOULD be jealous that they were being put on what feels like second shelf. She put's the sole responsibility on me. She even said "he came before you" which to me is like saying, "he will always be my number 1". I asked her what would happen 2 years down the road if he just reached out.. And she said she would be there for him and want to reconnect, because they're like family. Absolutely brutal.

    I called her today on my break at work, to ask questions. And things just fell apart. She was hurling accusations at me saying I'm abusive that I get upset at this and that it's toxic for her, because my insecure behavior, and it's not okay for her -- Which, by the way, I am not abusive.. Is the situation toxic? obviously. But it's toxic because she just can't LET GO of a previous partner. And she won't do it. Even if it came at the cost of our relationship. Which it did. She told me she's not going to deal with this issue any more, and that I need to seek out counselling for this, if this would ever work! (LIKE WHAT?!) and that it makes her sick to have to continually hear about it, even though she will bring it up.
    I said "fine" told her how much I loved her and have cared and that she never overtly tells me how much she wants OUR relationship, and that when two people are together they don't let the other person question that fact. Why would they? but she always makes me question it. She said it's clear that she's right, and that I can't handle her healing while being with me, and I told her I agree that I can't and that I shouldn't have to. I told her "fine, I'm walking away" and she said "Okay".. no fight.. then I hung up.

    I'm depressed, livid, full of love, and empty all at once. I don't want anyone else, nor have I. She's said the same. But these drafted letters indicate something else. She made me responsible for her actions and then holds my insecurity against me. But a partner shouldn't - in my mind - be taking actions to make their partner question such monumental things! She has me questioning my security and sanity about feeling how I feel.

    The biggest annoyance about everything is that with her it's always been two steps forward,then one or two back, or even three. Repeat. Then questions arise. Like for instance: this last Friday and Saturday we had amazing days, said bye on Saturday night when I dropped her off at the train so she could visit her mom for the night. And then on Sunday when I saw her, she was kind of cold and distant. And on Sunday when I mentioned she was a bit cold it just devolved in to the story which I wrote above. It's like she was playing with my emotions this whole time or teases me, like it's a game..

    I even asked her if the situation was reversed how she would handle things, and she would say I would never get myself in to this situation. Yet, she had no problem being the one to do it to someone else. It's obvious she never respected me for being with her, yet she chose to keep going. I mean why not when you're with a guy who is in love with you and you're essentially having your cake and eating it too?

    I don't know what I'm looking for from this thread. I guess to just talk. some feedback. I feel like I've been dragged behind a truck for a block or two.

    Thanks for reading.
    Last edited by Blackpebble; 06-15-2020 at 06:48 PM.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Well....she told you from the get go that she is toxic and not relationship material....why on earth did you accept that and decide to keep going?

    You keep talking about your and her relationship.....but there never was one if you are honest. She is still 100% hung up on her ex. You were nothing more than a warm body and a listening ear and when you complained that it's not fair, she was aggressively bs'ing you that you should be totally fine with her crying her eyes out over another man and support that. You are correct that this is not how relationships work and that it's bs.....but yet......you stay and cling on.

    You say the relationship is toxic because she won't let go of her ex.....I say the relationship is toxic because you won't let go of a toxic woman who told you up front she is toxic.

    You talk about what's beneath her dignity.....but what about your dignity? Isn't it beneath your dignity to cling for dear life to a woman who is madly in love with someone else and crying her eyes out over that. A woman who gaslights you and tells you she doesn't believe in love, who rejects you, yet cries and writes love letters to her ex...... Isn't all this way beneath your dignity? Don't you deserve a partner who isn't this messed up? Who doesn't need fixing? Who is actually in love with you rather than some ex? What made you chose her and stay and stay and stay and put up with this bs? She didn't make you do anything.....all your own choices. So maybe stop focusing on her, what she does, what she says and what she writes and focus on yourself - what possessed you to volunteer to be her rebound when she told you to your face she cannot be a healthy partner to you?

  3. #3
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    I took what she was saying in the beginning as what some women just...say. in hindsight it was foolish, but I've heard many women say they are hung up on someone and then one or two months later move on. She just never did. She never said she was toxic, she said she would make a terrible partner.

    We did have a relationship. She did introduce me as her boyfriend and did speak of a life in the future together. It's not like she wouldn't say we didn't have one and I just proceeded forward.

    I can agree that it became toxic because I kept trying to hold on to a relationship which was clearly sinking because of her unhealed wounds. In relaity, she probbaly used me as a safe place to heal from her ex and paid me some amount of lip service.

    It is beneath my dignity. Note why I finally walked away. And of course I believe I deserve that. We had elements of that at times, and she made it seem like she was feeling those feelings for me, plenty of the time. She would 100% act like my girlfriend and not just hung up on her ex. Not like we had some absent being relationship where we weren't present with each other.
    You're correct in that my part to play was choosing to continually be with her, I won't refute that, but her part was also leading me on so as not to be made out to be a fool, which I was. I do feel as though I was used as a means to her end. And she told me many times that I am not a rebound and she never wanted to have a rebound, so I chose to believe her. And I do feel i can believe that, but not 100%, I don't think she would actually do that.

    What made me play a part to be in this position? Probably believing in false hope and not seeing things for what they actually were. Being optimistic and seeing the things we had as opposed to recognizing and holding the issues she is and was dealing with..

  4. #4
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Sorry about this, buddy.

    I recall some earlier threads about these matters, and while the optimist in me was hoping you two would find a way, the realist in me felt like this sort of foundation is not the stuff of sustainable, satisfying romance.

    You're in a world of hurt and frustration right now, I know. I don't want to add to it. But I will say this: At some point I hope you can redirect all the analysis of her, and this phantom ex, to yourself and figuring out why this all felt like the right kind of thing to invest in. Why, in short, try to build partnership with someone who was explicit in telling they will make for a terrible partner? Mind-bending sexual chemistry? Undiagnosed emotional unavailability of your own? A desire to find personal meaning in leading someone from dark to light? A deep-seeded belief that you're not worthy to someone who is genuinely open and ready? Some tendrils from your own past that haven't been dealt with, and so holding another's hand as they deal with theirs becomes a proxy for that processing?

    Just riffing with those questions because I think that figuring out an answer will help you find the way through this and, eventually, toward something more sustainable. She was, after all, consistent: told you the deal from the beginning, then spent 1.5 years affirming the deal in action. So without an answer to why all that appealed, you run the risk of repeating a similar story, hoping, against all hope, for similar results. Pain, in the end, is temporary. But growth, and how we choose to grow, is not.

    Sorry again, and best of luck.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    The thing is that no woman, or man, who is emotionally healthy and fully available for a relationship will ever say these kinds of things to you. The only people who warn you they are broken....are....broken people. It's important that you grasp this and wrap your mind around this because if you don't, you'll just find another damsel in distress you hope to fix and healthy relationships are never built on this kind of quicksand.

    Like blue said, she was consistent with you about who she is from day one. She didn't lead you on so much as you were hoping and making excuses. This is a bitter pill to swallow, but again.....if you don't face up to the fact that you were making unhealthy choices over and over with her......you'll just repeat your mistakes with another woman and the next after that.

    I'm sorry you are hurting and at the same time, I can't help but think this is really for the best. Good that you are finally out and I really hope you won't get back together if she asks or begs or whatever. Lose her number kind of a thing.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    You did the right thing to end it. You gave it a shot but she is just too messed up.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    I'm going to give you the honest truth here, she has always been in love/infatuation with him and she always will be by the sounds of it. She was using you.

    You made yourself look weak, and very unattractive by trying to get a hold of her, messaging, asking for answers,etc. You became an annoyance to her and someone she would rather toss than to have to deal with.

    What you should have done as soon as you noticed the bs she was pulling with the ex, was to put your foot down and tell her to finish it all with the ex once and for all, no contact, not drafts, no nothing. And if she refused,......WALK. Be a man about it, head held up, tell her, goodbye, so long, don't get a hold of me...and mean it! Do not look back.
    If you had done that, then possibly you could have shifted her attentions to missing him onto missing YOU. But seeing as you allowed yourself to become her doormat, you've now made yourself look like someone who has no backbone and she can treat however.

    If you have even a shred of dignity left, for the love of all things,..DO NOT message her, do not ask anymore questions. Do not respond to any of hers. Complete silence without looking back.
    Enough is enough. try to gain some of your dignity back.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    she would make a terrible partner
    If people show you who they are...BELIEVE IT!

    They're not trying to be coy, or cutesy. They aren't looking to be saved or hoping you will change them. They're not asking for help. They are telling you..."look, I am broken, this is going to be messed up if you continue on any further".

    Listen, hear, believe.

    Lesson learnt and I hope you remember that lesson from now until forever, because it's an important one. If you see something not too attractive in someone, or broken, that's not something to ignore.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    I'm sorry.... this stinks.

    Don't beat yourself up for not putting your foot down. Live and learn. Take this as the giant lesson it is.

    Be kind to yourself. ok? Her loss.

    And next time you find yourself getting the short end of the stick, you save yourself and walk away

    take back your self respect now. you need to stay away from this woman.... there's nothing good that can come of waiting to hear from her. trust me. you'll only prolong something that you should have ended a while ago.

    hugs... hamg in there. this too shall pass. its just going to take time. i cant remember if you said or not, but block and delete her. You didnt deserve what she did nor did you deserve her rant today about you.

    Cut her off.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    She told you she'd be a terrible partner because she didn't care if you walked away at that point. She flaunted all of her communication and upsets about the ex because she didn't care if you walked away at that point. At the normal time people say ILY, she didn't, and went on a whole year beyond that average time, because she didn't care. Didn't care and didn't love. If she did care, she would have refused to date you from the get-go so she wouldn't be wasting your time and breaking your heart.

    Be mad at yourself more than you are at her. Perhaps that will create the change you need for improving your choices in the romance department. Work on your self esteem by reading books on the subject and applying those skills. Because as George Lucas told Carrie Fisher when she was having an affair with the married Harrison Ford, "Look at who you're with, and that's what you think of yourself."

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