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Thread: Broke up today

  1. #51
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    No. She just didn't take the bait. She let you hang yourself with your faux breakup. A simple and obvious manipulation. Like a kid who threatens to run away from home..

    The best approach now is to accept the whole thing is over and delete and block her from all messaging apps.
    Originally Posted by Blackpebble
    You donít think itís a bit shocking she just let me go without any fight?

  2. #52
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    No. She just didn't take the bait. She let you hang yourself with your faux breakup. A simple and obvious manipulation. Like a kid who threatens to run away from home..

    The best approach now is to accept the whole thing is over and delete and block her from all messaging apps.
    It wasn't baiting nor did I plan on it being a faux break-up. It's not like I didn't mean what I said about not being able to handle it anymore. I couldn't. It was making me lose respect for our relationship, myself, and her; all of which I didn't want. I would go to work and think about it. Or some days she would just be cooler than others. No one deserves to be in something where they are "building" together and the other person is pining for someone else. They are undermining the whole thing. It's like building a house together, then one person comes in and demolishes last week's work, and one day later saying we have to put up the wall which was just torn down. Then do that about 50 more times. And the times she didn't do that? I would already be paranoid she was about to do it, like a child who has been hit a bunch and then the adult just brushes their hair but they think they're about to be hit so they flinch; never-ending state of waiting for IT.

    A relationship is in place to makes one's life more enriching and fulfilling, not to create jealousy and paranoia because you feel you've been and are continously compared to some ghost in a womans mind. And worse yet? Having the partner KNOW they are creating that within the other and not do anything about it. Or to call me insecure, and that I need to work on that. It was insane to have that be on my mind as much as it was and for her to still be drafting e-mails (even though she never sent them) as early as one month ago, which she wrote a day or two after we argued! It should have been me she was thinking about after the argument. Not her ex!

    I never tried to manipulate her by walking away. It was about saving what was left of my self-respect, by putting my foot down and finally saying no more. My only option at that point was to walk away, even though I never wanted to. I had talked to her about it, expressed my discontent, insecurities, etc. But it was never respected or nurtured. This had been going on since the beginning and I know I deserve a hell of a lot more than to have my "loyal" girlfriend constructing personal e-mails to another man, even if she's not sending them. She had been taking time out of her day and composing a letter to someone else - another man who didn't even have the decency to message her back when she tried to obtain closure in the summer.
    This is also the same woman who thought I was continuously checking other women out when I certainly wasn't. She was insecure and would question me for hours if she so much as thought I held a woman's gaze when we would walk on the seawall. Literally hours of questioning. It was always about her.

    All in all, I can still be flabbergasted that she hasn't messaged me or called and I finally just walked to save my self-respect and sanity. And the second I walk, nothing? No chase? No care? If it was a faux walking on my part, I would have messaged her by now. I don't plan on ever contacting her again, if she doesn't message first. I will not break that one.

    I was in my relationship 100% with her for one year and a half of my life! And all of a sudden she's GONE. That's shocking. Like losing an arm. And the thing is? I still want her. I just don't want her with the baggage of unfinished business; that's too heavy for anyone to carry throughout life. It was always as simple as that. I was so supportive for her to get her answers. I suggested she fly out to Scotland to talk to him, I suggested therapy so she could heal, to message him, to do anything to heal her heart and soul. Even if that meant me losing her. I would have traded that, losing her and me, so SHE could HEAL HERSELF. In the end, I know it's about fear of commitment, not about her ex. It's about being able to give and healthily receive love, and to be vulnerable. It's about ideas of love that are rooted to her childhood. She used her ex partially as a way to protect her heart, to me. A way to subtly push me away. Because nothing makes sense. How can a woman be so giving and caring, then one day later be cold and be bringing up an ex? For what? To me, it's reminding herself that nothing last's so it's easier to control it all by taking away the thing which she knows hurts the most - love.

    Obviously I'm pissed and there's no real way to know anything.

  3. #53
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    I'll try to address this, at least from what I'm seeing, though your home building metaphor.

    A more precise analogy would be trying to build a home with someone without any genuine agreement on the style of home. She wants midcentury, you want New England cottage. Problem is, you do a lot to convey that you're open to midcenturyóa lot more than you do to convey that you want New England cottage. You look at the midcentury plans, talk to the midcentury designers, even allow a few critical rooms of the houseóbedroom, kitchen, bathroomóto be completely redone in midcentury. So now the bind is: you hate the home you've built, while she is comfortable in it. Double bind: you hate yourself for all the personal investment that went into the home. And all that comes out explosively, in declaring that you cannot, and will not, continue to live in it unless she agrees to tear it all down and rebuild it as a New England cottage.

    Make any sense?

  4. #54
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    I'll try to address this, at least from what I'm seeing, though your home building metaphor.

    A more precise analogy would be trying to build a home with someone without any genuine agreement on the style of home. She wants midcentury, you want New England cottage. Problem is, you do a lot to convey that you're open to midcenturyóa lot more than you do to convey that you want New England cottage. You look at the midcentury plans, talk to the midcentury designers, even allow a few critical rooms of the houseóbedroom, kitchen, bathroomóto be completely redone in midcentury. So now the bind is: you hate the home you've built, while she is comfortable in it. Double bind: you hate yourself for all the personal investment that went into the home. And all that comes out explosively, in declaring that you cannot, and will not, continue to live in it unless she agrees to tear it all down and rebuild it as a New England cottage.

    Make any sense?
    Yea that's a great analogy and I think quite accurate pertaining to the situation between her and I.

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  6. #55
    Super Moderator Capricorn3's Avatar
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    OP, when reading your post #52, all I see is a dysfunctional relationship so it begs the question WHY on earth would you want her back if it seems to be like you walk on eggshells all the time? I just don't get it. As for her not chasing you, or not contacting you ...... why would she? You guys have broken up. That's the cue to move on, NOT start chasing each other or staying in contact (imo). She's doing the right thing by NOT chasing you.

    Time to learn to accept that it's over as it's pointless chasing your tail. It's done and dusted. Focus on YOU and your future.

  7. #56
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    Originally Posted by Capricorn3
    OP, when reading your post #52, all I see is a dysfunctional relationship so it begs the question WHY on earth would you want her back if it seems to be like you walk on eggshells all the time? I just don't get it. As for her not chasing you, or not contacting you ...... why would she? You guys have broken up. That's the cue to move on, NOT start chasing each other or staying in contact (imo). She's doing the right thing by NOT chasing you.

    Time to learn to accept that it's over as it's pointless chasing your tail. It's done and dusted. Focus on YOU and your future.
    It wasnít all dysfunctional. A fair amount of thin gas worked. But the parts that didnít - mainly her not being able to get over ex - really didnít, and would erode what was good.

    Well Itís not like we had some massive fight and then broke up in a sickly dramatic way. I just told her I couldnít handle it anymore knowing she was drafting letters and wasnít fully over it; itís too much for a person (Me) to handle mentally. And so I had to walk. I would think at some point last week she would have called or messaged to gain clarity of the situation or something! To truly discuss things and be like ďyou actually want to break-up?Ē In most relationships I would surmise there would be a sliver of a chase or challenge when one person says they canít do something anymore. Objectively itís a bit strange, no?

    I get what youíre saying overall though; accept and move-on. But I can definitely be taken aback.

  8. #57
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Interestingly she's obsessed with her ex and you are now. Do you hope to move on? If so, don't be like her and live in the past.

  9. #58
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Interestingly she's obsessed with her ex and you are now. Do you hope to move on? If so, don't be like her and live in the past.
    A little bit different. The relationship between her and the ex ended 27 months ago. Itís literally been a week since we last spoke and I told her Iím walking away - Iím in a pretty vulnerable state and so Iím trying to wrap my head around everything, so that I can have some semblance of closure? And right now Iím flabbergasted that she just let me walk and we havenít spoken since. I know having expectations are usually a sure-fire way to be let down in life, but Iím simply shocked it is gone so fast.

    I donít want to be the one to break no contact, because it was me to walk. But I almost feel as though we need to exchange our items and we need to talk, so as to give each other closure. So it isnít a situation of me forever tethered to my ex, like she is..
    Maybe not this week, but sooner than later so the healing process can truly begin. Because right now it feels like itís about surviving.

  10. #59
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    How do you plan to "give each other 'closure'"? Closure is realizing the relationship is over because you two are not suited to be in a relationship with one another. It's not something your ex "gives" you. It's just an excuse for you to insist on seeing her again.

    You don't have to see her. And what things of yours does she have that you can't survive without?

  11. #60
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    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    How do you plan to "give each other 'closure'"? Closure is realizing the relationship is over because you two are not suited to be in a relationship with one another. It's not something your ex "gives" you. It's just an excuse for you to insist on seeing her again.

    You don't have to see her. And what things of yours does she have that you can't survive without?
    I suppose the way in which it ended wasnít how I believed it should have been closed off. A phone call doesnít measure up to the gravity of my feelings which are held ó the abruptness of it does have me reeling and to seek a more peaceful note, so as to tie everything up in a more respectful and honourable way.

    Part of me is having difficulty in accepting that it is over, or that she hasnít come after me. After so many times of back and forth, when it doesnít come back itís a break in the pattern. Which may be the best thing. I guess I want a conclusion to all the chaos, so I know that both of us are walking away, but in a positive way, rather than one where drama was present with a final click of a phone. I believe weíre both better than that. Itís too immature and incomplete.

    As for my things? I could get on without them in life, sure, as they arenít needs.. but they are my belongings. And I think energetically speaking, all should be returned.

    In the end, I just donít want any unsolved business.

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