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Broke up today


Blackpebble

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So today my 1.5 year relationship ended. Over something that has been present and boiling since the start. I'm upset, annoyed, exhausted, resentful, deeply sad, and numb from it all.

 

When we first started dating back in the winter of 2018 she had told me from the start she would make a terrible partner, due to the fact that 8 months prior she and "the love of her life" collapsed their relationship (a bit more complicated than that but it came to an end then). She's 28 and I'm 31. Throughout our relationship she had been open with me about her healing, and their contact, and although it did bother me and I felt it was degrading to our relationship, I kept my chin up and we kept trudging forward; I did state my insecurities around this and she told me she was not the type to cheat or any of that, so as to assuage my mind in a minor way. And it's not as if they would be in physical contact due to the other fact of him living abroad.

 

Her and I both knew that we had potential as well as an amazing connection and relationship of our own. The two of them stayed in contact, whilst both seeing a new partner of their own, until the end of August. I think their messages were that of two people wounded trying to reconcile some part of their previously held love.

Her and I had just returned from a 3 week trip to Europe at the tail end of the summer. One night she messaged her ex and he didn't respond to her message, where it seemed like she was seeking closure -- as much as she could get anyways. She was sort of wishing him well in his journey. He didn't end up responding. For the first time ever, he went silent and then uploaded a photo of him and his new girlfriend on whatsapp (where they were messaging) pretty quickly after going silent for no real reason. Maybe for the fact she was seeking some semblance of closure?

 

Anyways, months go by and they don't talk; still haven't to this day. This upset her that he just dropped off and went ghost, which I can understand her anger, as she was seeking closure in some minor way. She sent one message after her initial which was pretty sharp, but nothing after that. She still thought and thinks about him after that, and we even had days where she would be distant because of a past memory springing up of him; or waking up with him in her dream - which would derail our whole day and intimacy. no closeness to be had for 24 hours.

I felt as if I was stuck. Stuck in a relationship where I love this person immensely but being strung along in a way too, there fro her emotionally, but facilitating her healing at the expense of her and my relationship. Her unhealed wound bleeding on both of us.

 

She told me often she cared, and showed it frequently. She never told me she loved me. Said she doesn't really believe in that word. We traveled, went out, she would pay for dates, we never flaked on each other, we had a ton of sex, she talked about our future, I talked about ours, we talked about anything and everything, spent weekend together, cooked. Everything that a couple that is in love would do. Except this shadow ex was always there. In my mind. Because he was in her mind. And also her email inbox; the drafts....

 

From the time he hadn't reached out, she had probably drafted him roughly 9 personal letters. Talking about healing, missing him, crying over him, you name it. Their love defying dimensions and going beyond ones dignity. True love by the sounds of what she told me. This crumbled me inside. The drafts were updates about her life mixed with a once beheld feeling with him. She called this her way of healing. A diary in a way. But to me, it just looks and sounds like my girlfriend emotionally longing for another man and who is unable to relinquish what she really desires.

 

It made me tremendously insecure. Always has. So any time a mention of his name, location, or accent comes up i'm immediately put on defense and felt a rush of adrenaline mixed in with being shut-down. She would tell me how insecure I was being and how it is a turn-off -- that it chokes her attraction for me. But how could I honestly not have been? I had two options.. be in the relationship and accept wholeheartedly she will always be looking backwards, or just leave. Both are brutal. One doesn't have her in my story, but I didn't want that. The most recent letter which was drafted was 1 month ago. She had apparently drafted it a day after her and I had a fight, which was probably something to do with him and some other innocuous thing (I can't remember). So for the last month since her sharing that information, I have been being eaten alive. "This will never ever go away" is what I always heard come to my mind. If I stay in this relationship, I am sacrificing myself so she can still have this idea of a person she cannot let go of. And she's okay with being half in and half out our relationship.

 

Yesterday I brought it up. It didn't go well. We ended up arguing on a nature walk. She had no solutions and I have none. There was and is nothing I could or can ever do. We argued for awhile and then she left my place. We talked on the street and not much got resolved. She said she want's our relationship but she can't deal with these issues for the rest of our lives, said she doesn't like how I behave in the face of them -- which to me, is total bs because obviously I'm not going to be super nonchalant about an issue which has plagued our relationship for 1.5 years.. An issue where literally anyone who truly cares WOULD be jealous that they were being put on what feels like second shelf. She put's the sole responsibility on me. She even said "he came before you" which to me is like saying, "he will always be my number 1". I asked her what would happen 2 years down the road if he just reached out.. And she said she would be there for him and want to reconnect, because they're like family. Absolutely brutal.

 

I called her today on my break at work, to ask questions. And things just fell apart. She was hurling accusations at me saying I'm abusive that I get upset at this and that it's toxic for her, because my insecure behavior, and it's not okay for her -- Which, by the way, I am not abusive.. Is the situation toxic? obviously. But it's toxic because she just can't LET GO of a previous partner. And she won't do it. Even if it came at the cost of our relationship. Which it did. She told me she's not going to deal with this issue any more, and that I need to seek out counselling for this, if this would ever work! (LIKE WHAT?!) and that it makes her sick to have to continually hear about it, even though she will bring it up.

I said "fine" told her how much I loved her and have cared and that she never overtly tells me how much she wants OUR relationship, and that when two people are together they don't let the other person question that fact. Why would they? but she always makes me question it. She said it's clear that she's right, and that I can't handle her healing while being with me, and I told her I agree that I can't and that I shouldn't have to. I told her "fine, I'm walking away" and she said "Okay".. no fight.. then I hung up.

 

I'm depressed, livid, full of love, and empty all at once. I don't want anyone else, nor have I. She's said the same. But these drafted letters indicate something else. She made me responsible for her actions and then holds my insecurity against me. But a partner shouldn't - in my mind - be taking actions to make their partner question such monumental things! She has me questioning my security and sanity about feeling how I feel.

 

The biggest annoyance about everything is that with her it's always been two steps forward,then one or two back, or even three. Repeat. Then questions arise. Like for instance: this last Friday and Saturday we had amazing days, said bye on Saturday night when I dropped her off at the train so she could visit her mom for the night. And then on Sunday when I saw her, she was kind of cold and distant. And on Sunday when I mentioned she was a bit cold it just devolved in to the story which I wrote above. It's like she was playing with my emotions this whole time or teases me, like it's a game..

 

I even asked her if the situation was reversed how she would handle things, and she would say I would never get myself in to this situation. Yet, she had no problem being the one to do it to someone else. It's obvious she never respected me for being with her, yet she chose to keep going. I mean why not when you're with a guy who is in love with you and you're essentially having your cake and eating it too?

 

I don't know what I'm looking for from this thread. I guess to just talk. some feedback. I feel like I've been dragged behind a truck for a block or two.

 

Thanks for reading.

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Well....she told you from the get go that she is toxic and not relationship material....why on earth did you accept that and decide to keep going?

 

You keep talking about your and her relationship.....but there never was one if you are honest. She is still 100% hung up on her ex. You were nothing more than a warm body and a listening ear and when you complained that it's not fair, she was aggressively bs'ing you that you should be totally fine with her crying her eyes out over another man and support that. You are correct that this is not how relationships work and that it's bs.....but yet......you stay and cling on.

 

You say the relationship is toxic because she won't let go of her ex.....I say the relationship is toxic because you won't let go of a toxic woman who told you up front she is toxic.

 

You talk about what's beneath her dignity.....but what about your dignity? Isn't it beneath your dignity to cling for dear life to a woman who is madly in love with someone else and crying her eyes out over that. A woman who gaslights you and tells you she doesn't believe in love, who rejects you, yet cries and writes love letters to her ex...... Isn't all this way beneath your dignity? Don't you deserve a partner who isn't this messed up? Who doesn't need fixing? Who is actually in love with you rather than some ex? What made you chose her and stay and stay and stay and put up with this bs? She didn't make you do anything.....all your own choices. So maybe stop focusing on her, what she does, what she says and what she writes and focus on yourself - what possessed you to volunteer to be her rebound when she told you to your face she cannot be a healthy partner to you?

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I took what she was saying in the beginning as what some women just...say. in hindsight it was foolish, but I've heard many women say they are hung up on someone and then one or two months later move on. She just never did. She never said she was toxic, she said she would make a terrible partner.

 

We did have a relationship. She did introduce me as her boyfriend and did speak of a life in the future together. It's not like she wouldn't say we didn't have one and I just proceeded forward.

 

I can agree that it became toxic because I kept trying to hold on to a relationship which was clearly sinking because of her unhealed wounds. In relaity, she probbaly used me as a safe place to heal from her ex and paid me some amount of lip service.

 

It is beneath my dignity. Note why I finally walked away. And of course I believe I deserve that. We had elements of that at times, and she made it seem like she was feeling those feelings for me, plenty of the time. She would 100% act like my girlfriend and not just hung up on her ex. Not like we had some absent being relationship where we weren't present with each other.

You're correct in that my part to play was choosing to continually be with her, I won't refute that, but her part was also leading me on so as not to be made out to be a fool, which I was. I do feel as though I was used as a means to her end. And she told me many times that I am not a rebound and she never wanted to have a rebound, so I chose to believe her. And I do feel i can believe that, but not 100%, I don't think she would actually do that.

 

What made me play a part to be in this position? Probably believing in false hope and not seeing things for what they actually were. Being optimistic and seeing the things we had as opposed to recognizing and holding the issues she is and was dealing with..

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Sorry about this, buddy.

 

I recall some earlier threads about these matters, and while the optimist in me was hoping you two would find a way, the realist in me felt like this sort of foundation is not the stuff of sustainable, satisfying romance.

 

You're in a world of hurt and frustration right now, I know. I don't want to add to it. But I will say this: At some point I hope you can redirect all the analysis of her, and this phantom ex, to yourself and figuring out why this all felt like the right kind of thing to invest in. Why, in short, try to build partnership with someone who was explicit in telling they will make for a terrible partner? Mind-bending sexual chemistry? Undiagnosed emotional unavailability of your own? A desire to find personal meaning in leading someone from dark to light? A deep-seeded belief that you're not worthy to someone who is genuinely open and ready? Some tendrils from your own past that haven't been dealt with, and so holding another's hand as they deal with theirs becomes a proxy for that processing?

 

Just riffing with those questions because I think that figuring out an answer will help you find the way through this and, eventually, toward something more sustainable. She was, after all, consistent: told you the deal from the beginning, then spent 1.5 years affirming the deal in action. So without an answer to why all that appealed, you run the risk of repeating a similar story, hoping, against all hope, for similar results. Pain, in the end, is temporary. But growth, and how we choose to grow, is not.

 

Sorry again, and best of luck.

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The thing is that no woman, or man, who is emotionally healthy and fully available for a relationship will ever say these kinds of things to you. The only people who warn you they are broken....are....broken people. It's important that you grasp this and wrap your mind around this because if you don't, you'll just find another damsel in distress you hope to fix and healthy relationships are never built on this kind of quicksand.

 

Like blue said, she was consistent with you about who she is from day one. She didn't lead you on so much as you were hoping and making excuses. This is a bitter pill to swallow, but again.....if you don't face up to the fact that you were making unhealthy choices over and over with her......you'll just repeat your mistakes with another woman and the next after that.

 

I'm sorry you are hurting and at the same time, I can't help but think this is really for the best. Good that you are finally out and I really hope you won't get back together if she asks or begs or whatever. Lose her number kind of a thing.

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I'm going to give you the honest truth here, she has always been in love/infatuation with him and she always will be by the sounds of it. She was using you.

 

You made yourself look weak, and very unattractive by trying to get a hold of her, messaging, asking for answers,etc. You became an annoyance to her and someone she would rather toss than to have to deal with.

 

What you should have done as soon as you noticed the bs she was pulling with the ex, was to put your foot down and tell her to finish it all with the ex once and for all, no contact, not drafts, no nothing. And if she refused,......WALK. Be a man about it, head held up, tell her, goodbye, so long, don't get a hold of me...and mean it! Do not look back.

If you had done that, then possibly you could have shifted her attentions to missing him onto missing YOU. But seeing as you allowed yourself to become her doormat, you've now made yourself look like someone who has no backbone and she can treat however.

 

If you have even a shred of dignity left, for the love of all things,..DO NOT message her, do not ask anymore questions. Do not respond to any of hers. Complete silence without looking back.

Enough is enough. try to gain some of your dignity back.

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she would make a terrible partner

 

If people show you who they are...BELIEVE IT!

 

They're not trying to be coy, or cutesy. They aren't looking to be saved or hoping you will change them. They're not asking for help. They are telling you..."look, I am broken, this is going to be messed up if you continue on any further".

 

Listen, hear, believe.

 

Lesson learnt and I hope you remember that lesson from now until forever, because it's an important one. If you see something not too attractive in someone, or broken, that's not something to ignore.

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I'm sorry.... this stinks.

 

Don't beat yourself up for not putting your foot down. Live and learn. Take this as the giant lesson it is.

 

Be kind to yourself. ok? Her loss.

 

And next time you find yourself getting the short end of the stick, you save yourself and walk away

 

take back your self respect now. you need to stay away from this woman.... there's nothing good that can come of waiting to hear from her. trust me. you'll only prolong something that you should have ended a while ago.

 

hugs... hamg in there. this too shall pass. its just going to take time. i cant remember if you said or not, but block and delete her. You didnt deserve what she did nor did you deserve her rant today about you.

 

Cut her off.

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She told you she'd be a terrible partner because she didn't care if you walked away at that point. She flaunted all of her communication and upsets about the ex because she didn't care if you walked away at that point. At the normal time people say ILY, she didn't, and went on a whole year beyond that average time, because she didn't care. Didn't care and didn't love. If she did care, she would have refused to date you from the get-go so she wouldn't be wasting your time and breaking your heart.

 

Be mad at yourself more than you are at her. Perhaps that will create the change you need for improving your choices in the romance department. Work on your self esteem by reading books on the subject and applying those skills. Because as George Lucas told Carrie Fisher when she was having an affair with the married Harrison Ford, "Look at who you're with, and that's what you think of yourself."

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Well it sounds like you know all the answers already because you wrote them all down. You have very clear evidence that your girlfriend doesn't love you and she wants her ex. In 1.5 years she has never said "I love you", even when you said it to her. Even that alone is clear evidence of how she feels about you. I don't understand where it showed she was over her ex? She blatantly contacted him and professed her feelings to him constantly. And she didn't respect your relationship because she was emotionally cheating on you with her ex. It's good you ended it, really you should have done it 1.5 years ago. This woman is in no capacity to be in a relationship, with you or with anyone.

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You are still young and there are so many women out there who are better prospects for a healthy relationship. It’s a good thing that you broke up, make sure it sticks. You have to put your foot down in case she comes crawling and crying or you feel guilty. Everyday you are in relationship with her is not only a “wasted” day but you do not know that fate has someone out there for you and you could be missing an opportunity with that one who will make you truly happy, assured and loved.

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She's gaslighting you. Leave her alone. She is living with ghosts and needs time to say goodbye to her past.

 

You may have been immersed in the romantic overture talk surrounding her love for her ex so be wary about being brainwashed about that type of obsession or "love". That is not love.

 

You deserve to find someone who cares about you and knows how to give of themselves 100%. This is a mere shadow. She needs a lot more time to heal.

 

Move on from this and believe more in yourself.

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She's gaslighting you. Leave her alone. She is living with ghosts and needs time to say goodbye to her past.

 

You may have been immersed in the romantic overture talk surrounding her love for her ex so be wary about being brainwashed about that type of obsession or "love". That is not love.

 

You deserve to find someone who cares about you and knows how to give of themselves 100%. This is a mere shadow. She needs a lot more time to heal.

 

Move on from this and believe more in yourself.

 

Thanks everyone for the responses, it means some Th I go to have reflections and support.

 

I’m on my iOS at the moment so I can’t respond to in depth. But twice now it has been mentioned that she has and is gaslighting me. My knowledge on that device of manipulation is limited. Can you guys help in extrapolating on that idea and where she may have been doing using that tactic?

 

I will give more of my response to earlier messages when I get home and have a keyboard.

 

Thanks

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She told me she's not going to deal with this issue any more, and that I need to seek out counselling for this

 

This, in a nutshell, is gaslighting. I could get all sorts of academic on the topic, but it basically comes down to flinging your bs at another person in a way that makes them wonder if they are the one who stinks, who is "crazy."

 

That said, I wouldn't go too far down the wormhole of thinking in terms of "tactics," of further categorizing with psycho-analytical juju the ways she's been unfair, irrational, hurtful, and so on. You've assigned this woman a level of power and mystique in your imagination that has always been disproportional to the fuel in her tank—fumes, really, that you've spent too much time choking on and calling that breathing.

 

Time to refuel your own tank—and maybe patch up some leaks—so that someone who leads with damage isn't viewed as a secret doorway to depth.

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Thanks for all the responses. They do give me some insight in to some further reflection which is needed. I agree that a lot of this is on me, in the way that I could have walked away earlier knowing the given circumstances of what was happening. Instead, I chose to believe our false hope and carry on through the obvious storm which was taking place.

 

It is truly difficult to simply chalk it up as "she didn't and never cared about you, because if she did she would have let you go". I don't necessarily believe that was and is the case. I do think she cared about me in a major way, and felt true partnership with me; she even told me as much -- saying that she essentially viewed me as her spouse, which she has never done before in her previous relations, and I don't think this was to string me along or maipulate. We did cultivate that partnership in many ways; there was just always the healing of her previous relationship in the background to contend with, which is on me, for the most part. What she needed was time and to be put in the place of having to DEAL truly with that loss, rather than distract herself in the new throes of novel passion and a relationship.

I can empathize with her in so far as she didn't want to lose what we had. Why would she gamble that; I think she just bit off more than she could chew and didn't want to lose YET again; this is also why she never truly committed with me, I believe.. A person hurt once is going to be extremely wary again, especially given her circumstances.

 

There was a stage at the start after the 7th date when I knew the right thing to do was walk away. Knowing full well she had healing to do. Yet, she never wanted that, nor did I, as we both know how rare a good connection is.

I think as time carried on and we stayed together, I did become submissive to her healing process, and subconsciously she knew I was relinquishing my self respect to keep the relationship alive which in-turn spouted the ramifications in to all areas of our relationship and so began the deterioration and erosion whilst still building and spending time together.

 

I know the psycho-analytics are secondary. Because at the end of the day she was still drafting letters and still not fully giving herself to what we were. She only gave herself as much as she was capable to give; she told me, and she felt like it wasn't enough.

 

I don't know really how to just have it end between us. I have no desire to 'get back out there' at all. We have so many plans in our future, so many things we were planning to do. And I want those things with her. I want to spend my summer with her - hikes, camping, warm nights. There was a lot of sweetness but also a lot of hardship. And I get that I have to accept this new reality, but how? How can I just give up?

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This, in a nutshell, is gaslighting. I could get all sorts of academic on the topic, but it basically comes down to flinging your bs at another person in a way that makes them wonder if they are the one who stinks, who is "crazy."

 

That said, I wouldn't go too far down the wormhole of thinking in terms of "tactics," of further categorizing with psycho-analytical juju the ways she's been unfair, irrational, hurtful, and so on. You've assigned this woman a level of power and mystique in your imagination that has always been disproportional to the fuel in her tank—fumes, really, that you've spent too much time choking on and calling that breathing.

 

Time to refuel your own tank—and maybe patch up some leaks—so that someone who leads with damage isn't viewed as a secret doorway to depth.

 

Thanks for the clarity on that.

 

Now, as well in my past thread you seem to have a clear understanding of what has transpired between her and I, and what is happening now. It is very illuminating. I don't know why I have given her so much power, or why I have allowed so much.

You're right that she has lead with damage and she's painted that picture as a doorway to depth.

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Thanks for all the responses. They do give me some insight in to some further reflection which is needed. I agree that a lot of this is on me, in the way that I could have walked away earlier knowing the given circumstances of what was happening. Instead, I chose to believe our false hope and carry on through the obvious storm which was taking place.

 

It is truly difficult to simply chalk it up as "she didn't and never cared about you, because if she did she would have let you go". I don't necessarily believe that was and is the case. I do think she cared about me in a major way, and felt true partnership with me; she even told me as much -- saying that she essentially viewed me as her spouse, which she has never done before in her previous relations, and I don't think this was to string me along or maipulate. We did cultivate that partnership in many ways; there was just always the healing of her previous relationship in the background to contend with, which is on me, for the most part. What she needed was time and to be put in the place of having to DEAL truly with that loss, rather than distract herself in the new throes of novel passion and a relationship.

I can empathize with her in so far as she didn't want to lose what we had. Why would she gamble that; I think she just bit off more than she could chew and didn't want to lose YET again; this is also why she never truly committed with me, I believe.. A person hurt once is going to be extremely wary again, especially given her circumstances.

 

There was a stage at the start after the 7th date when I knew the right thing to do was walk away. Knowing full well she had healing to do. Yet, she never wanted that, nor did I, as we both know how rare a good connection is.

I think as time carried on and we stayed together, I did become submissive to her healing process, and subconsciously she knew I was relinquishing my self respect to keep the relationship alive which in-turn spouted the ramifications in to all areas of our relationship and so began the deterioration and erosion whilst still building and spending time together.

 

I know the psycho-analytics are secondary. Because at the end of the day she was still drafting letters and still not fully giving herself to what we were. She only gave herself as much as she was capable to give; she told me, and she felt like it wasn't enough.

 

I don't know really how to just have it end between us. I have no desire to 'get back out there' at all. We have so many plans in our future, so many things we were planning to do. And I want those things with her. I want to spend my summer with her - hikes, camping, warm nights. There was a lot of sweetness but also a lot of hardship. And I get that I have to accept this new reality, but how? How can I just give up?

 

Could I be brutally honest with you? I really think you have those "love is blind" glasses on and you can't see clearly. Your whole relationship was not based on respect. She was cheating on you, emotionally cheating. Constantly contacting your ex while in a relationship and pouring out your feelings in many letters, etc. is NOT acceptable. It's extremely rude and inappropriate. Your relationship was not "fine". You were a huge rebound. Don't you understand that if she really did adore you like you do her, she would have stopped contacting her ex? When you are crazy about someone, you wouldn't have your foot half out the door reaching for your ex constantly. Sure she needed time to heal but that time had to be spent single, or getting back with her ex or whatever. That time shouldn't have been in the relationship with you. Don't you think you are worthy of someone who truly loves you? Or you always just want to be her Plan B?

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Sorry about this, buddy.

 

I recall some earlier threads about these matters, and while the optimist in me was hoping you two would find a way, the realist in me felt like this sort of foundation is not the stuff of sustainable, satisfying romance.

 

You're in a world of hurt and frustration right now, I know. I don't want to add to it. But I will say this: At some point I hope you can redirect all the analysis of her, and this phantom ex, to yourself and figuring out why this all felt like the right kind of thing to invest in. Why, in short, try to build partnership with someone who was explicit in telling they will make for a terrible partner? Mind-bending sexual chemistry? Undiagnosed emotional unavailability of your own? A desire to find personal meaning in leading someone from dark to light? A deep-seeded belief that you're not worthy to someone who is genuinely open and ready? Some tendrils from your own past that haven't been dealt with, and so holding another's hand as they deal with theirs becomes a proxy for that processing?

 

Just riffing with those questions because I think that figuring out an answer will help you find the way through this and, eventually, toward something more sustainable. She was, after all, consistent: told you the deal from the beginning, then spent 1.5 years affirming the deal in action. So without an answer to why all that appealed, you run the risk of repeating a similar story, hoping, against all hope, for similar results. Pain, in the end, is temporary. But growth, and how we choose to grow, is not.

 

Sorry again, and best of luck.

 

I think we did find a way, in a way. I do think the past of her hurt ultimately pulled at us too much. And there's only so many times that I can be calm, rational, and understanding. I mean, how could I always be that when I know by me being that, it is eroding what is pure between two people. Someone can't use a new relationship to heal an old wound; blood will get on new carpets.

 

She would tell me the terrible partner things, but then go and get us a couples massage. For every utterance on the side of bad, there were two or three things which would be sweet, genuinely sweet, thoughtful gestures. Our sexual chemistry was really good; we had so much of it, the most I've had with one person easily. I may have emotional unavailability to a degree, and possibly a white knight syndrome to boot. These "tendrils" you have posed do require my meditation. I think I wanted to give her light and health, knowing she was in a dark place, but not to save her, to simply build something beautiful. But I think I carried too much of the burden and dismissed the fact of her true hurts.

 

She was consistent in telling me about her brokenness. Her lack of a heart to give as she had once given it away and won't retrieve it.. I guess I just thought at some point that rhetoric had to end and that story would get tired.

In the end she says she doesn't view him romantically anymore and hasn't for quite some time. But I don't know if I buy it. She said she would just like to have him in her life.

 

Its strange. They dated for a year and a quarter, but it's been more than two years since their ending. She lived in Scotland (where he's from) and she had the choice of marrying him to extend her visa. She ultimately turned it down and came back to North America. It's such a weird space for me, because I lost my girlfriend, and I have to mourn. But even in my mourning, I can maybe see she's not mourning me, but still the loss of her ex. It may be a story I've made up in my mind, but it feels as though I could have been in a relationship by myself and not seen that the whole time. And things for her on a day-to-day basis won't change much at all, except for the fact of seeing me.. I don't know

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Could I be brutally honest with you? I really think you have those "love is blind" glasses on and you can't see clearly. Your whole relationship was not based on respect. She was cheating on you, emotionally cheating. Constantly contacting your ex while in a relationship and pouring out your feelings in many letters, etc. is NOT acceptable. It's extremely rude and inappropriate. Your relationship was not "fine". You were a huge rebound. Don't you understand that if she really did adore you like you do her, she would have stopped contacting her ex? When you are crazy about someone, you wouldn't have your foot half out the door reaching for your ex constantly. Sure she needed time to heal but that time had to be spent single, or getting back with her ex or whatever. That time shouldn't have been in the relationship with you. Don't you think you are worthy of someone who truly loves you? Or you always just want to be her Plan B?

 

Well I had surmised that at the end when I found out she was drafting letters.

But.. is it emotionally cheating if she was just drafting letters, rather than actually sending them? She said it was cathartic to write them and that's all it was.

 

I do agree it isn't respectful. And it is rude and inappropriate to be doing that, because she would have a cow if I conducted myself like that. So internally she knows she's not even giving respect to herself.

 

I asked if this was a rebound for her. And she said it was not. Would a rebound relationship travel to Europe, hangout super often, have intimacy, an actual relationship? Most rebound relationships last a couple months at most, do they not? She was actively involved in my life and I in hers. I met her friends, her mom, etc.

 

I do absolutely believe I deserve someone who truly loves me. I struggled with this relationship because it wasn't so easy to see. All her actions for the most part indicated deep care for me. Of course I don't believe I'm just plan B.

 

All your assertions are valid. I've had every single line of yours, come out of my mouth to her from my own gut. She always told me this wasn't the case. She is probably the most honest person I've ever met (in all ways; which isn't always easy to hear) and she always said she would rather die than tell a lie. I don't think I was a rebound. I think she was in a relationship and couldn't get over her ex and may never. And when faced with my insecurity she would get angry because she could see the damage it was causing both of us. and the guilt which she carries knowing she is not living in a respectable way.

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Well I had surmised that at the end when I found out she was drafting letters.

But.. is it emotionally cheating if she was just drafting letters, rather than actually sending them? She said it was cathartic to write them and that's all it was.

 

I do agree it isn't respectful. And it is rude and inappropriate to be doing that, because she would have a cow if I conducted myself like that. So internally she knows she's not even giving respect to herself.

 

I asked if this was a rebound for her. And she said it was not. Would a rebound relationship travel to Europe, hangout super often, have intimacy, an actual relationship? Most rebound relationships last a couple months at most, do they not? She was actively involved in my life and I in hers. I met her friends, her mom, etc.

 

I do absolutely believe I deserve someone who truly loves me. I struggled with this relationship because it wasn't so easy to see. All her actions for the most part indicated deep care for me. Of course I don't believe I'm just plan B.

 

All your assertions are valid. I've had every single line of yours, come out of my mouth to her from my own gut. She always told me this wasn't the case. She is probably the most honest person I've ever met (in all ways; which isn't always easy to hear) and she always said she would rather die than tell a lie. I don't think I was a rebound. I think she was in a relationship and couldn't get over her ex and may never. And when faced with my insecurity she would get angry because she could see the damage it was causing both of us. and the guilt which she carries knowing she is not living in a respectable way.

 

But what was her actual contact with her ex? Was she talking to him on a regular basis?

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Yes rebound relationships can be quite involved, fast moving, trips, hot sex, vacations and how long it goes on is not set in stone. It's not about the stuff you are focusing on that makes it a rebound, it's about emotional health and availability. She was never available to have a full relationship with you. A rebound can last from a month or two to several years. Same as someone getting past a break up can be over it in a few months or may still be stuck five years down the road. It's not about time, it's about where the person is emotionally and she showed you all along that she is not present with you, but stuck on her ex.

 

Asking someone if they are rebounding is almost silly - nobody will ever tell you yeah, sure, totally. I'm just going to use you as my emotional crutch, void filler and free therapist for awhile.

 

I really hope that this experience leads you to finally think about and start recognizing that when someone tells you they are broken, it's not a foundation on which to build your relationship, it's your clue to walk away immediately.

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But what was her actual contact with her ex? Was she talking to him on a regular basis?

 

They were in semi-regular contact until the end of August last year, after we returned from Europe. They mostly chatted through WhatsApp and exchanged emails. The last actual message she sent was to him seeking some semblance of closure - a nice message - then once more after he hadn't responded, and that one was a little bit more 'in-your-face', of her being upset and annoyed he hadn't had the decency to send a respectful message in-kind to her, but instead went silent and uploaded a photo of him and his new girlfriend. And since that point, she has just been drafting letters specifically to him in her e-mail. Most letters are about her being upset and lost that he hadn't had the decency to respond to her and give her closure, mixed in with proclamations that she will never feel to the depth again as she once felt during her time in Scotland. The most recent one was written 1 month ago, roughly.

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