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Thread: Broke up today

  1. #21
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    You're not a rebound, you're a bandaid.

    It makes her feel better to have you around but it doesn't make her stop loving her ex.

  2. #22
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    Originally Posted by Blackpebble
    Well I had surmised that at the end when I found out she was drafting letters.
    But.. is it emotionally cheating if she was just drafting letters, rather than actually sending them? She said it was cathartic to write them and that's all it was.

    I do agree it isn't respectful. And it is rude and inappropriate to be doing that, because she would have a cow if I conducted myself like that. So internally she knows she's not even giving respect to herself.

    I asked if this was a rebound for her. And she said it was not. Would a rebound relationship travel to Europe, hangout super often, have intimacy, an actual relationship? Most rebound relationships last a couple months at most, do they not? She was actively involved in my life and I in hers. I met her friends, her mom, etc.

    I do absolutely believe I deserve someone who truly loves me. I struggled with this relationship because it wasn't so easy to see. All her actions for the most part indicated deep care for me. Of course I don't believe I'm just plan B.

    All your assertions are valid. I've had every single line of yours, come out of my mouth to her from my own gut. She always told me this wasn't the case. She is probably the most honest person I've ever met (in all ways; which isn't always easy to hear) and she always said she would rather die than tell a lie. I don't think I was a rebound. I think she was in a relationship and couldn't get over her ex and may never. And when faced with my insecurity she would get angry because she could see the damage it was causing both of us. and the guilt which she carries knowing she is not living in a respectable way.
    But what was her actual contact with her ex? Was she talking to him on a regular basis?

  3. #23
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Yes rebound relationships can be quite involved, fast moving, trips, hot sex, vacations and how long it goes on is not set in stone. It's not about the stuff you are focusing on that makes it a rebound, it's about emotional health and availability. She was never available to have a full relationship with you. A rebound can last from a month or two to several years. Same as someone getting past a break up can be over it in a few months or may still be stuck five years down the road. It's not about time, it's about where the person is emotionally and she showed you all along that she is not present with you, but stuck on her ex.

    Asking someone if they are rebounding is almost silly - nobody will ever tell you yeah, sure, totally. I'm just going to use you as my emotional crutch, void filler and free therapist for awhile.

    I really hope that this experience leads you to finally think about and start recognizing that when someone tells you they are broken, it's not a foundation on which to build your relationship, it's your clue to walk away immediately.

  4. #24
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    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    You're not a rebound, you're a bandaid.

    It makes her feel better to have you around but it doesn't make her stop loving her ex.
    I can see that.

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  6. #25
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    Originally Posted by Tinydance
    But what was her actual contact with her ex? Was she talking to him on a regular basis?
    They were in semi-regular contact until the end of August last year, after we returned from Europe. They mostly chatted through WhatsApp and exchanged emails. The last actual message she sent was to him seeking some semblance of closure - a nice message - then once more after he hadn't responded, and that one was a little bit more 'in-your-face', of her being upset and annoyed he hadn't had the decency to send a respectful message in-kind to her, but instead went silent and uploaded a photo of him and his new girlfriend. And since that point, she has just been drafting letters specifically to him in her e-mail. Most letters are about her being upset and lost that he hadn't had the decency to respond to her and give her closure, mixed in with proclamations that she will never feel to the depth again as she once felt during her time in Scotland. The most recent one was written 1 month ago, roughly.

  7. #26
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    Originally Posted by DancingFool
    Yes rebound relationships can be quite involved, fast moving, trips, hot sex, vacations and how long it goes on is not set in stone. It's not about the stuff you are focusing on that makes it a rebound, it's about emotional health and availability. She was never available to have a full relationship with you. A rebound can last from a month or two to several years. Same as someone getting past a break up can be over it in a few months or may still be stuck five years down the road. It's not about time, it's about where the person is emotionally and she showed you all along that she is not present with you, but stuck on her ex.

    Asking someone if they are rebounding is almost silly - nobody will ever tell you yeah, sure, totally. I'm just going to use you as my emotional crutch, void filler and free therapist for awhile.

    I really hope that this experience leads you to finally think about and start recognizing that when someone tells you they are broken, it's not a foundation on which to build your relationship, it's your clue to walk away immediately.
    Our relationship was never super fast-moving. It progressed at a good speed, however I understand what you have conveyed. In the beginning, middle, and end she never had the full emotional vessel she once possessed and craves. She doesn't think she will ever get back that sense of self she lost. Always said a piece of her just broke when that relationship ended. She thinks that that is sad, seeing as she is only 28 and thinks the best is behind her.. I think it's sad too.

    I do see now, to truly listen to what people say when being self-descriptive. It just all boggles my mind how we built what we did and it's now crushed. And it seems as though she doesn't care. Because she's not even fighting or communicating. I'm surprised she hasn't even sent a text since the phone call on Monday morning. We still have our things at the others' place and keys to our respective apartments...

  8. #27
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    She sounds unstable on many fronts. Try not to assign calculated schemes and random buzz words to what is simply disorganized thinking and behavior. Once you realize this is not some elaborate plan to hurt you, but rather some sort of denial that you are simply dealing with a chaotic person, things will be much clearer.

  9. #28
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    She sounds unstable on many fronts. Try not to assign calculated schemes and random buzz words to what is simply disorganized thinking and behavior. Once you realize this is not some elaborate plan to hurt you, but rather some sort of denial that you are simply dealing with a chaotic person, things will be much clearer.
    I do agree that there is an instability in her. And I believe she will and would have conducted herself that way with any other man. Of course, it would have been a touch different, but it's who she is. Even in her previous relationship, they fought intensely, and often - every two weeks or so they would have a pretty big one, according to her. I just think he was more withdrawn at times than I was, so she had more of a chase, then she did with me. Still toxic, but a different experience for her.

    I don't think she had a plan to hurt me. I think I got hurt in the process of being with someone who wasn't ready or supposed to be in a relationship in the manner she was at that time. Often her moods would change on a day-to-day basis; she would be super close and then quite distant. So it was a never-ending game of hot and cold. So often vacillating.

    What makes me not want to just chalk her up to being a chaotic individual is that she was really smart, caring, kind, and thoughtful. So many wonderful things. So it's difficult to just lump her into that title and then be like "Okay. She was just Choas". Because at the end of the day we had a life and she did invest in us as much as she was able to, and it didn't seem as though she had any clandestine motives of intentionally wanting us to fall apart. But she also didn't have a deep intention of making us TRULY work, as I did.

  10. #29
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    I don't think it's about "giving up," this moment, per an earlier post of yours. I think it's about healing, reflecting, processing—and trusting that process will provide some answers, some clarity, and some guidance. It's been 72 hours, a blink. You're a marathon runner who broke his leg playing pickup basketball: only thing you can do is rest, so the break heals, you can run again, and be more mindful of how you exert yourself on the basketball court.

    In a way your task now is to do what she couldn't do: live for yourself the way you wished she'd lived in her own skin and alongside yours—and, in doing so, you'll prime yourself for a connection works in actuality, not just in your imagination or because your imagination can putty over every hole, except for where it couldn't. As that priming occurs, you'll see all this as a stepping stone, not a fall from Everest.

    Every human you meet is going to have been burned, turned upside-down, frozen for a bit in a state of emotional turbulence or numbness. It's really not that interesting. It's life, playing out daily in high school hallways and assisted living facilities. Speaking only for myself, I think what makes humans interesting is how we choose to get through it. Some stay stuck, sure, and find a jagged form of comfort in fear. But a large subset us can turn pain into lessons, lessons into strength, strength into vulnerability, harnessing all that into becoming more open to the world, not less, even knowing that the world is capable of inflicting serious hurt. Maybe, as you process and heal, you'll come to see that that is the kind of stuff you want to connect with and connect over. Stronger building materials make for stronger foundations, you know?

    Because this was not that. This was a young woman playing a sad song on repeat, not yet interested in a new album. No, she didn't "plan" to hurt you. Yes, on some level she "cared." What she didn't do? She didn't paint her damage as a doorway to depth. You did that, with your brain, your hormones, your hopes and fears holding the brushes. What I want to say to you is: imagine not needing any of those brushes, because it's just so deep, the difference between swimming in a pool and the ocean. Your imagination can go wild in the ocean, of course, thinking about everything out there, everything down below to explore. But also? The feeling of depth, the experience of it, is just wonderfully consuming without all that mental hypotheticals. You get it just stepping in, floating around.

    A partnership can be similar, with the right person, both pretty easy and infinitely mysterious. Think of this experience as riding a bike with training wheels, for exactly as much time as you needed to discover just how badly you want to ride on two wheels, for real.

  11. #30
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Blackpebble
    Our relationship was never super fast-moving. It progressed at a good speed, however I understand what you have conveyed. In the beginning, middle, and end she never had the full emotional vessel she once possessed and craves. She doesn't think she will ever get back that sense of self she lost. Always said a piece of her just broke when that relationship ended. She thinks that that is sad, seeing as she is only 28 and thinks the best is behind her.. I think it's sad too.

    I do see now, to truly listen to what people say when being self-descriptive. It just all boggles my mind how we built what we did and it's now crushed. And it seems as though she doesn't care. Because she's not even fighting or communicating. I'm surprised she hasn't even sent a text since the phone call on Monday morning. We still have our things at the others' place and keys to our respective apartments...
    I'd just like to nudge you a little toward the realization there was never an "us" or a "we". It was you pursuing, building, trying, healing, putting up with, hoping, and so on. As for her...she was going along with kind of sort of, but never really present, her heart and mind elsewhere all along, never really on board with you. She never hid that aspect from you either.

    So I really hope that going forward you do become much more aware, awake, pay much sharper attention to what someone is saying to you about themselves. So that next time you come across someone who tells you that they are broken, you actually walk away, no matter how great they seem otherwise, how attractive, or smart, or sexy, or so on. Always remember that a swamp can look beautiful, just a like a pretty meadow full of flowers and butterflies and so on, but....if you step in....you will sink. Be sure that when someone tells you "warning, this is a swamp", you turn around instead of plowing forward just because it looks pretty to you. Never second guess the truth of what a person tells you about themselves.

    Emotional health has nothing to do with intelligence, charisma, success, attractiveness, and so on. A person can be highly intelligent, successful and at the same time completely messed up and toxic when it comes to relationships. When choosing a partner, look for emotional health first and foremost. Everything else is gravy.

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