Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 2 of 8 FirstFirst 12345 ... LastLast
Results 11 to 20 of 71

Thread: Broke up today

  1. #11
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2014
    Location
    Australia
    Posts
    2,017
    Gender
    Female
    Well it sounds like you know all the answers already because you wrote them all down. You have very clear evidence that your girlfriend doesn't love you and she wants her ex. In 1.5 years she has never said "I love you", even when you said it to her. Even that alone is clear evidence of how she feels about you. I don't understand where it showed she was over her ex? She blatantly contacted him and professed her feelings to him constantly. And she didn't respect your relationship because she was emotionally cheating on you with her ex. It's good you ended it, really you should have done it 1.5 years ago. This woman is in no capacity to be in a relationship, with you or with anyone.

  2. #12
    Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2020
    Posts
    9
    You are still young and there are so many women out there who are better prospects for a healthy relationship. It’s a good thing that you broke up, make sure it sticks. You have to put your foot down in case she comes crawling and crying or you feel guilty. Everyday you are in relationship with her is not only a “wasted” day but you do not know that fate has someone out there for you and you could be missing an opportunity with that one who will make you truly happy, assured and loved.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2019
    Posts
    3,527
    Gender
    Female
    She's gaslighting you. Leave her alone. She is living with ghosts and needs time to say goodbye to her past.

    You may have been immersed in the romantic overture talk surrounding her love for her ex so be wary about being brainwashed about that type of obsession or "love". That is not love.

    You deserve to find someone who cares about you and knows how to give of themselves 100%. This is a mere shadow. She needs a lot more time to heal.

    Move on from this and believe more in yourself.

  4. #14
    Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2019
    Posts
    46
    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    She's gaslighting you. Leave her alone. She is living with ghosts and needs time to say goodbye to her past.

    You may have been immersed in the romantic overture talk surrounding her love for her ex so be wary about being brainwashed about that type of obsession or "love". That is not love.

    You deserve to find someone who cares about you and knows how to give of themselves 100%. This is a mere shadow. She needs a lot more time to heal.

    Move on from this and believe more in yourself.
    Thanks everyone for the responses, it means some Th I go to have reflections and support.

    I’m on my iOS at the moment so I can’t respond to in depth. But twice now it has been mentioned that she has and is gaslighting me. My knowledge on that device of manipulation is limited. Can you guys help in extrapolating on that idea and where she may have been doing using that tactic?

    I will give more of my response to earlier messages when I get home and have a keyboard.

    Thanks

  5.  

  6. #15
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2017
    Posts
    4,567
    Gender
    Male
    Originally Posted by Blackpebble
    She told me she's not going to deal with this issue any more, and that I need to seek out counselling for this
    This, in a nutshell, is gaslighting. I could get all sorts of academic on the topic, but it basically comes down to flinging your bs at another person in a way that makes them wonder if they are the one who stinks, who is "crazy."

    That said, I wouldn't go too far down the wormhole of thinking in terms of "tactics," of further categorizing with psycho-analytical juju the ways she's been unfair, irrational, hurtful, and so on. You've assigned this woman a level of power and mystique in your imagination that has always been disproportional to the fuel in her tank—fumes, really, that you've spent too much time choking on and calling that breathing.

    Time to refuel your own tank—and maybe patch up some leaks—so that someone who leads with damage isn't viewed as a secret doorway to depth.

  7. #16
    Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2019
    Posts
    46
    Thanks for all the responses. They do give me some insight in to some further reflection which is needed. I agree that a lot of this is on me, in the way that I could have walked away earlier knowing the given circumstances of what was happening. Instead, I chose to believe our false hope and carry on through the obvious storm which was taking place.

    It is truly difficult to simply chalk it up as "she didn't and never cared about you, because if she did she would have let you go". I don't necessarily believe that was and is the case. I do think she cared about me in a major way, and felt true partnership with me; she even told me as much -- saying that she essentially viewed me as her spouse, which she has never done before in her previous relations, and I don't think this was to string me along or maipulate. We did cultivate that partnership in many ways; there was just always the healing of her previous relationship in the background to contend with, which is on me, for the most part. What she needed was time and to be put in the place of having to DEAL truly with that loss, rather than distract herself in the new throes of novel passion and a relationship.
    I can empathize with her in so far as she didn't want to lose what we had. Why would she gamble that; I think she just bit off more than she could chew and didn't want to lose YET again; this is also why she never truly committed with me, I believe.. A person hurt once is going to be extremely wary again, especially given her circumstances.

    There was a stage at the start after the 7th date when I knew the right thing to do was walk away. Knowing full well she had healing to do. Yet, she never wanted that, nor did I, as we both know how rare a good connection is.
    I think as time carried on and we stayed together, I did become submissive to her healing process, and subconsciously she knew I was relinquishing my self respect to keep the relationship alive which in-turn spouted the ramifications in to all areas of our relationship and so began the deterioration and erosion whilst still building and spending time together.

    I know the psycho-analytics are secondary. Because at the end of the day she was still drafting letters and still not fully giving herself to what we were. She only gave herself as much as she was capable to give; she told me, and she felt like it wasn't enough.

    I don't know really how to just have it end between us. I have no desire to 'get back out there' at all. We have so many plans in our future, so many things we were planning to do. And I want those things with her. I want to spend my summer with her - hikes, camping, warm nights. There was a lot of sweetness but also a lot of hardship. And I get that I have to accept this new reality, but how? How can I just give up?

  8. #17
    Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2019
    Posts
    46
    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    This, in a nutshell, is gaslighting. I could get all sorts of academic on the topic, but it basically comes down to flinging your bs at another person in a way that makes them wonder if they are the one who stinks, who is "crazy."

    That said, I wouldn't go too far down the wormhole of thinking in terms of "tactics," of further categorizing with psycho-analytical juju the ways she's been unfair, irrational, hurtful, and so on. You've assigned this woman a level of power and mystique in your imagination that has always been disproportional to the fuel in her tank—fumes, really, that you've spent too much time choking on and calling that breathing.

    Time to refuel your own tank—and maybe patch up some leaks—so that someone who leads with damage isn't viewed as a secret doorway to depth.
    Thanks for the clarity on that.

    Now, as well in my past thread you seem to have a clear understanding of what has transpired between her and I, and what is happening now. It is very illuminating. I don't know why I have given her so much power, or why I have allowed so much.
    You're right that she has lead with damage and she's painted that picture as a doorway to depth.

  9. #18
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2014
    Location
    Australia
    Posts
    2,017
    Gender
    Female
    Originally Posted by Blackpebble
    Thanks for all the responses. They do give me some insight in to some further reflection which is needed. I agree that a lot of this is on me, in the way that I could have walked away earlier knowing the given circumstances of what was happening. Instead, I chose to believe our false hope and carry on through the obvious storm which was taking place.

    It is truly difficult to simply chalk it up as "she didn't and never cared about you, because if she did she would have let you go". I don't necessarily believe that was and is the case. I do think she cared about me in a major way, and felt true partnership with me; she even told me as much -- saying that she essentially viewed me as her spouse, which she has never done before in her previous relations, and I don't think this was to string me along or maipulate. We did cultivate that partnership in many ways; there was just always the healing of her previous relationship in the background to contend with, which is on me, for the most part. What she needed was time and to be put in the place of having to DEAL truly with that loss, rather than distract herself in the new throes of novel passion and a relationship.
    I can empathize with her in so far as she didn't want to lose what we had. Why would she gamble that; I think she just bit off more than she could chew and didn't want to lose YET again; this is also why she never truly committed with me, I believe.. A person hurt once is going to be extremely wary again, especially given her circumstances.

    There was a stage at the start after the 7th date when I knew the right thing to do was walk away. Knowing full well she had healing to do. Yet, she never wanted that, nor did I, as we both know how rare a good connection is.
    I think as time carried on and we stayed together, I did become submissive to her healing process, and subconsciously she knew I was relinquishing my self respect to keep the relationship alive which in-turn spouted the ramifications in to all areas of our relationship and so began the deterioration and erosion whilst still building and spending time together.

    I know the psycho-analytics are secondary. Because at the end of the day she was still drafting letters and still not fully giving herself to what we were. She only gave herself as much as she was capable to give; she told me, and she felt like it wasn't enough.

    I don't know really how to just have it end between us. I have no desire to 'get back out there' at all. We have so many plans in our future, so many things we were planning to do. And I want those things with her. I want to spend my summer with her - hikes, camping, warm nights. There was a lot of sweetness but also a lot of hardship. And I get that I have to accept this new reality, but how? How can I just give up?
    Could I be brutally honest with you? I really think you have those "love is blind" glasses on and you can't see clearly. Your whole relationship was not based on respect. She was cheating on you, emotionally cheating. Constantly contacting your ex while in a relationship and pouring out your feelings in many letters, etc. is NOT acceptable. It's extremely rude and inappropriate. Your relationship was not "fine". You were a huge rebound. Don't you understand that if she really did adore you like you do her, she would have stopped contacting her ex? When you are crazy about someone, you wouldn't have your foot half out the door reaching for your ex constantly. Sure she needed time to heal but that time had to be spent single, or getting back with her ex or whatever. That time shouldn't have been in the relationship with you. Don't you think you are worthy of someone who truly loves you? Or you always just want to be her Plan B?

  10. #19
    Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2019
    Posts
    46
    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Sorry about this, buddy.

    I recall some earlier threads about these matters, and while the optimist in me was hoping you two would find a way, the realist in me felt like this sort of foundation is not the stuff of sustainable, satisfying romance.

    You're in a world of hurt and frustration right now, I know. I don't want to add to it. But I will say this: At some point I hope you can redirect all the analysis of her, and this phantom ex, to yourself and figuring out why this all felt like the right kind of thing to invest in. Why, in short, try to build partnership with someone who was explicit in telling they will make for a terrible partner? Mind-bending sexual chemistry? Undiagnosed emotional unavailability of your own? A desire to find personal meaning in leading someone from dark to light? A deep-seeded belief that you're not worthy to someone who is genuinely open and ready? Some tendrils from your own past that haven't been dealt with, and so holding another's hand as they deal with theirs becomes a proxy for that processing?

    Just riffing with those questions because I think that figuring out an answer will help you find the way through this and, eventually, toward something more sustainable. She was, after all, consistent: told you the deal from the beginning, then spent 1.5 years affirming the deal in action. So without an answer to why all that appealed, you run the risk of repeating a similar story, hoping, against all hope, for similar results. Pain, in the end, is temporary. But growth, and how we choose to grow, is not.

    Sorry again, and best of luck.
    I think we did find a way, in a way. I do think the past of her hurt ultimately pulled at us too much. And there's only so many times that I can be calm, rational, and understanding. I mean, how could I always be that when I know by me being that, it is eroding what is pure between two people. Someone can't use a new relationship to heal an old wound; blood will get on new carpets.

    She would tell me the terrible partner things, but then go and get us a couples massage. For every utterance on the side of bad, there were two or three things which would be sweet, genuinely sweet, thoughtful gestures. Our sexual chemistry was really good; we had so much of it, the most I've had with one person easily. I may have emotional unavailability to a degree, and possibly a white knight syndrome to boot. These "tendrils" you have posed do require my meditation. I think I wanted to give her light and health, knowing she was in a dark place, but not to save her, to simply build something beautiful. But I think I carried too much of the burden and dismissed the fact of her true hurts.

    She was consistent in telling me about her brokenness. Her lack of a heart to give as she had once given it away and won't retrieve it.. I guess I just thought at some point that rhetoric had to end and that story would get tired.
    In the end she says she doesn't view him romantically anymore and hasn't for quite some time. But I don't know if I buy it. She said she would just like to have him in her life.

    Its strange. They dated for a year and a quarter, but it's been more than two years since their ending. She lived in Scotland (where he's from) and she had the choice of marrying him to extend her visa. She ultimately turned it down and came back to North America. It's such a weird space for me, because I lost my girlfriend, and I have to mourn. But even in my mourning, I can maybe see she's not mourning me, but still the loss of her ex. It may be a story I've made up in my mind, but it feels as though I could have been in a relationship by myself and not seen that the whole time. And things for her on a day-to-day basis won't change much at all, except for the fact of seeing me.. I don't know

  11. #20
    Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2019
    Posts
    46
    Originally Posted by Tinydance
    Could I be brutally honest with you? I really think you have those "love is blind" glasses on and you can't see clearly. Your whole relationship was not based on respect. She was cheating on you, emotionally cheating. Constantly contacting your ex while in a relationship and pouring out your feelings in many letters, etc. is NOT acceptable. It's extremely rude and inappropriate. Your relationship was not "fine". You were a huge rebound. Don't you understand that if she really did adore you like you do her, she would have stopped contacting her ex? When you are crazy about someone, you wouldn't have your foot half out the door reaching for your ex constantly. Sure she needed time to heal but that time had to be spent single, or getting back with her ex or whatever. That time shouldn't have been in the relationship with you. Don't you think you are worthy of someone who truly loves you? Or you always just want to be her Plan B?
    Well I had surmised that at the end when I found out she was drafting letters.
    But.. is it emotionally cheating if she was just drafting letters, rather than actually sending them? She said it was cathartic to write them and that's all it was.

    I do agree it isn't respectful. And it is rude and inappropriate to be doing that, because she would have a cow if I conducted myself like that. So internally she knows she's not even giving respect to herself.

    I asked if this was a rebound for her. And she said it was not. Would a rebound relationship travel to Europe, hangout super often, have intimacy, an actual relationship? Most rebound relationships last a couple months at most, do they not? She was actively involved in my life and I in hers. I met her friends, her mom, etc.

    I do absolutely believe I deserve someone who truly loves me. I struggled with this relationship because it wasn't so easy to see. All her actions for the most part indicated deep care for me. Of course I don't believe I'm just plan B.

    All your assertions are valid. I've had every single line of yours, come out of my mouth to her from my own gut. She always told me this wasn't the case. She is probably the most honest person I've ever met (in all ways; which isn't always easy to hear) and she always said she would rather die than tell a lie. I don't think I was a rebound. I think she was in a relationship and couldn't get over her ex and may never. And when faced with my insecurity she would get angry because she could see the damage it was causing both of us. and the guilt which she carries knowing she is not living in a respectable way.

Page 2 of 8 FirstFirst 12345 ... LastLast

Videos


Why Young People Don't Rush To Marry? They Fear Divorce

Why People Lie On Online Dating Services?

Relationships During Quarantine

Cheating Husbands Are at Risk of a Heart Attack

Romance At Work: Yes Or No?

How To Overcome A Divorce
Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •