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Thread: My head is being turned

  1. #1

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    My head is being turned

    hi everyone, I'm really new to all this so please be kind, its a bit of a long winded one.
    I've been with my boyfriend for 9 years. The last year has been really difficult for us for one reason or another but we made the decision to push on and try and work things out. The main issue was him going out drinking all the time with his friends and then coming back with a temper because he can't handle his drink. He can be very violent when he's had a drink (not towards me) but towards others. Before we went into lockdown he hit someone while drunk for no reason and really hurt them. At this point he promised me he was going to stop drinking and going out full stop. I told him I'd had enough and I was leaving but he literally begged and said "give me 3 months and if I don't change then leave me" then we went into lockdown and we're now 10 weeks in so he hasn't been put to the test at all. I've got other issues as well like the fact I'm practically his mum and do everything for him. A few weeks in to lockdown we decided to get our bathroom done, a lady I work with gave me the number for a plumber that she recommended so I text him and arranged for him to come and quote. When I opened the door my jaw nearly hit the floor! He was like a god. Anyway fast forward 3 weeks we're talking every single day on text and its starting to get really flirty. This morning I woke up with the biggest knot in my stomach because I felt guilty and my chest was really tight, so I text him and said this needs to stop, we're both in a relationship and his girlfriend has just had a baby. He agreed and we left it at that. I'm not planning on telling my boyfriend because it was just a bit of flirting with no plans to take it any further. My need for advice comes here, in the 9 years we've been together, my head has never once been turned by anyone no matter how good looking they are. The fact that this guy has just walked into my life and turned my head is worrying me, what do you think this means for my relationship, do you think I've emotionally checked out? Again please be kind, the guilt is already eating me up.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    It's understandable that anything looks better than playing mother to a violent drunk. Move out or evict him.

  3. #3
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    You've probably met a lot of good looking people but the plumber guy came at an impeccable timing - just when you are frustrated and dealing with your own relationship issues. I'm guessing this made you more vulnerable to his 'godly' features. It's good to stop early on with the flirting. You've decided to make things work with your boyfriend so focus on that. I just hope he's also keeping his end of the bargain. Communication is the key here so please make sure you tell him all your other issues (like feeling you're doing everything for him). You said he hasn't been put to the test when it comes to drinking because of the lockdown. Why not try to work on the other issue. Split the chores, keep yourselves busy and try to enjoy doing things together. Good luck and hope everything works out!

  4. #4

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    Thank you for not judging me, I feel like the worst human being in the world 😞 behaving like this just isn't in my nature which is why its affecting me and making me question everything I think. I'd love to do more together but unfortunately he works 7 days a week at the moment then he pretty much ignores me when he comes in because he's tired, so I'm on my own a lot which is also contributing. I'm currently furloughed from my job so its not as if I can throw myself into work like I normally do when things get tough.

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  6. #5

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    I'm seriously considering this when the lockdown is over. I'm trying to move past what he did and work on it but I'm not sure I can and if I can't then it's not fair for me to throw it in his face everytime things get tough again. I'm also worried he'll start going out again once lockdown is over and I don't think I could go through it all again.

  7. #6
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    As your recognize, this is more about the serious problems in your relationship than it is about the plumber. (Who is no god if he's flirting with other women while his girlfriend cares for their new baby - he's a particularly scummy brand of scum.)

    It sounds like you're plain worn out from your relationship and it's been rather toxic for a long time. The romance seems quite dead - is that accurate? The dynamic you two have been living isn't sustainable, with his problem drinking and your mothering tendencies. The wheels were bound to come off sooner or later. Your interest in this plumber was apparently the catalyst for you to realize that you are really not happy anymore and can't go on this way.

    So, you are right to be concerned. You have a big decision in front of you. Let's say your boyfriend doesn't revert to his old ways (which I think is rather unlikely, but who knows) and keeps to his word about not drinking: do you feel this is already too far gone and you're too emotionally detached to work on it? What was your thought process behind choosing to stay throughout this past year when you say things got really rough? Do you feel you're there more out of convenience now, just because you've been together so long already?

    For clarity, how old are you and your boyfriend?

  8. #7

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    Originally Posted by MissCanuck
    As your recognize, this is more about the serious problems in your relationship than it is about the plumber. (Who is no god if he's flirting with other women while his girlfriend cares for their new baby - he's a particularly scummy brand of scum.)

    It sounds like you're plain worn out from your relationship and it's been rather toxic for a long time. The romance seems quite dead - is that accurate? The dynamic you two have been living isn't sustainable, with his problem drinking and your mothering tendencies. The wheels were bound to come off sooner or later. Your interest in this plumber was apparently the catalyst for you to realize that you are really not happy anymore and can't go on this way.

    So, you are right to be concerned. You have a big decision in front of you. Let's say your boyfriend doesn't revert to his old ways (which I think is rather unlikely, but who knows) and keeps to his word about not drinking: do you feel this is already too far gone and you're too emotionally detached to work on it? What was your thought process behind choosing to stay throughout this past year when you say things got really rough? Do you feel you're there more out of convenience now, just because you've been together so long already?

    For clarity, how old are you and your boyfriend?
    I agree regarding the plumber and I've told him this. Just to clarify, I didn't know he had a girlfriend or a baby when we first started texting, this came out after. I am worn out, every now and again I'd like to walk in from work and him be putting the washing on or starting tea if he's home before me but he doesn't, he just sits there on his phone waiting for me to do everything. I'm starting to think its too far gone but how do I tell him this when I agreed in the beginning to work on things? I don't know what made me stay, I think a lot of it is fear of being on my own and that no one will want me. Also, I feel like I'm getting older and I want children which is always at the back of my mind. Another aspect is financial, I'm scared of being financially on my own if we sold our house I'd get half but then everything is down to me and that is a huge responsibility. We are 28.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    What is he doing on the phone that much? Also, have you told him specifically what you want or that you need him to step up way more on these sorts of daily things.

    Mothering is actually your own problem. I doubt he ever asked you to mommy him. You are taking that upon yourself and then growing resentful. Not healthy on your part and something you need to address about yourself be it in this relationship or any other relationship.

    Overall, it sounds like your relationship has become stagnant. Do you have any future goals? Plans you are working on? Nine years of just dating is a very long time, so why hasn't the relationship progressed to marriage, children, etc if that's what you want? When was the last time the two of you actually talked about that stuff?

    Also curious what made this past year so particularly difficult for the two of you? What changed?

  10. #9

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    Originally Posted by MissCanuck
    As your recognize, this is more about the serious problems in your relationship than it is about the plumber. (Who is no god if he's flirting with other women while his girlfriend cares for their new baby - he's a particularly scummy brand of scum.)

    It sounds like you're plain worn out from your relationship and it's been rather toxic for a long time. The romance seems quite dead - is that accurate? The dynamic you two have been living isn't sustainable, with his problem drinking and your mothering tendencies. The wheels were bound to come off sooner or later. Your interest in this plumber was apparently the catalyst for you to realize that you are really not happy anymore and can't go on this way.

    So, you are right to be concerned. You have a big decision in front of you. Let's say your boyfriend doesn't revert to his old ways (which I think is rather unlikely, but who knows) and keeps to his word about not drinking: do you feel this is already too far gone and you're too emotionally detached to work on it? What was your thought process behind choosing to stay throughout this past year when you say things got really rough? Do you feel you're there more out of convenience now, just because you've been together so long already?

    For clarity, how old are you and your boyfriend?
    Originally Posted by DancingFool
    What is he doing on the phone that much? Also, have you told him specifically what you want or that you need him to step up way more on these sorts of daily things.

    Mothering is actually your own problem. I doubt he ever asked you to mommy him. You are taking that upon yourself and then growing resentful. Not healthy on your part and something you need to address about yourself be it in this relationship or any other relationship.

    Overall, it sounds like your relationship has become stagnant. Do you have any future goals? Plans you are working on? Nine years of just dating is a very long time, so why hasn't the relationship progressed to marriage, children, etc if that's what you want? When was the last time the two of you actually talked about that stuff?

    Also curious what made this past year so particularly difficult for the two of you? What changed?
    He just plays stupid games 🙄 you're right he's never said be my mum but it's like its impossible for him to do anything for himself. The boiler broke a few months ago and I left it 3 days and waited for him to step up and get it sorted but he didn't, so 3 days with no hot water or heating and I sorted it and got the boiler replaced. His mum mothered him his entire life and taught him no life skills. The relationship has progressed in that we bought a house together and got engaged but I still say boyfriend. He doesn't want to get married as he thinks it's a waste of time. We tried for a baby last year before things got bad and I had a miscarriage. After that things were so bad between us i refused to try again until we sorted it but now I'm wondering if we will. With future goals, his business is doing really well and there's progression there, but I run the admin side of it he just does the physical part.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    Hi, OP.

    I'm so sorry about your miscarriage.

    I think anyine would look good compared to your guy. 3 days no hot water and he's still sitting o. his butt. ugh

    Your story is all too familiar You kind of built this dynamic brick by brick. It starts out as you just want to show your love and take care of him, 9 years later, you're the mum.

    You may not be able to reverse this. So I think you need to really think about, is this what you actually want?

    You can't stay with someone because its "unfair" that 9 years later, your needs changed. it is on both people to meet the needs of each other.

    The fair thing to do, is to explain to him how you feel and see what he says. If he loses his mind or won't work on pitching in more, then you stay true to yourself. if you have to bail, you have to. You don't owe him. You owe yourself.

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