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Thread: My head is being turned

  1. #21

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    Originally Posted by MissCanuck
    As your recognize, this is more about the serious problems in your relationship than it is about the plumber. (Who is no god if he's flirting with other women while his girlfriend cares for their new baby - he's a particularly scummy brand of scum.)

    It sounds like you're plain worn out from your relationship and it's been rather toxic for a long time. The romance seems quite dead - is that accurate? The dynamic you two have been living isn't sustainable, with his problem drinking and your mothering tendencies. The wheels were bound to come off sooner or later. Your interest in this plumber was apparently the catalyst for you to realize that you are really not happy anymore and can't go on this way.

    So, you are right to be concerned. You have a big decision in front of you. Let's say your boyfriend doesn't revert to his old ways (which I think is rather unlikely, but who knows) and keeps to his word about not drinking: do you feel this is already too far gone and you're too emotionally detached to work on it? What was your thought process behind choosing to stay throughout this past year when you say things got really rough? Do you feel you're there more out of convenience now, just because you've been together so long already?

    For clarity, how old are you and your boyfriend?
    Originally Posted by DancingFool
    The problem with this is you can't change the dynamic you built yourself with silence. Boiler broke, you are just sitting waiting hoping he'll read your mind and step up. Meanwhile he is waiting on you to do what you've ALWAYS done in this relationship - take care of it. It's called a sh$t test and guess what? People always fail that because nobody can read your mind.

    The dynamic you've established has been like this for the past 9 years - he does certain things, you do other things. Even your business - you do admin, he does the physical work. It's called division of labor and well nobody can do all of it. If you break up, he'll simply have to hire someone else to do admin. Yet, you are stating your role as if....you are special and he is beneath you. Also, guy who works 7 days a week....can't really call him lazy or a loser either.

    If you want something else, you've got to learn how to speak up and ask for it and be clear about it. When you get home before me, can you please start the tea - that would make me very happy. Hey, can you take care of the boiler please and get someone out here. Relationships are all about division of labor and if you don't like the current situation, you have to open your mouth and state specifically what your problem is and what you want changed and how. Don't sh$t test your SO, it will never get you what you want.

    I see a lot of resentment on your end, but seems like a lot of it is you playing the silent martyr. Again, not a healthy way to be in any relationship on your part and if you don't fix that aspect of yourself, every long term relationship will turn out the same way for you - seething resentment over unmet silent expectations.
    I respect your opinion to an extent but a lot of what you have written is a tad belittling. When the boiler broke, I made a point of saying "I don't know what to do about this" he still did nothing. He chooses to work 7 days a week, I work 6 days because I have to and then do everything on top of that. I never said he was lazy or a loser, they were your words. Again, i never said my work was more important but this is his only job, I work a second job as well. I work for him to help him out so he doesn't have to pay someone. I don't see how I'm that bad guy here? I've done everything I can to make this relationship work and unfortunately it has failed. Thanks again for your input.

  2. #22
    Platinum Member LaHermes's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Lambert
    Hi, OP.
    I think anyone would look good compared to your guy. 3 days no hot water and he's still sitting o. his butt. ugh

    Your story is all too familiar You kind of built this dynamic brick by brick. It starts out as you just want to show your love and take care of him, 9 years later, you're the mum.

    You may not be able to reverse this. So I think you need to really think about, is this what you actually want?

    You can't stay with someone because its "unfair" that 9 years later, your needs changed. it is on both people to meet the needs of each other.

    . You don't owe him. You owe yourself.
    I can only echo what Lambert has said.

    OP, you also remark that his mother taught him no life skills. And likely even stirred his coffee for him, so to speak.

    Not a good proposition for a life-partner OP. What do you think?

  3. #23
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    You need to look at the big picture: your bf is a man child and violent drunk. Why has this been okay?

    What would make you think that this guy would ever be good father material? How could you do that to an innocent child. Time to put your big girl pants on and become independent.

    Plumber sounds like a real "prize!" Not!
    Last edited by Hollyj; 06-15-2020 at 01:38 PM.

  4. #24

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    When we were trying for a baby it was before he got in with this particular group of friends and the violence started. I wouldn't ever put a baby in harms way, hence the reason I refused to try again after i miscarried

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  6. #25
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    Originally Posted by JR91
    When we were trying for a baby it was before he got in with this particular group of friends and the violence started. I wouldn't ever put a baby in harms way, hence the reason I refused to try again after i miscarried
    If he hangs around with violent friends itís time to get out itís only a matter of time before he clocks you. Itís sad that he thinks violence is ok. He is headed for jail .

  7. #26

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    They aren't necessarily violent, they just like to drink and encourage him to do so which they know is bad for him, they cause trouble then watch while he defends them all. Its ridiculous.

  8. #27
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    What are you getting out of this relationship? You seem to be overworked, you worry all the time, and you have to walk on eggshells around him. What is he doing for you? What benefits are there to you? If you are simply worried about money, move in with a friend or family and get a second job that PAYS. Once you are not spending all your energy taking care of him and worrying about him you will be amazed at how much better life can be when you focus on the life you want.

  9. #28
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    That is on HIM not them. Everyone is responsible for their own behaviour. It is not his friends it is him .
    Originally Posted by JR91
    They aren't necessarily violent, they just like to drink and encourage him to do so which they know is bad for him, they cause trouble then watch while he defends them all. Its ridiculous.

  10. #29
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Get some help getting out of this. You seem beaten down by all of it and the repairman simply represented what it would be like to not be with who you are with. However no knight in armor is going to rescue you from this.

    You'll have to enlist the help of friends family. Start by getting a paid outside job and stop providing slave labor in his business or at home. Start putting money away to extricate yourself. Depending on your country, you have no rights to anything unless your name is on the house deed and you co-own the business. That is why he 'doesn't believe in marriage'.

    Please review these and Pay close attention to item #5 : [Register to see the link]
    Originally Posted by JR91
    When we were trying for a baby it was before he got in with this particular group of friends and the violence started.

  11. #30
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by JR91
    I respect your opinion to an extent but a lot of what you have written is a tad belittling. When the boiler broke, I made a point of saying "I don't know what to do about this" he still did nothing. He chooses to work 7 days a week, I work 6 days because I have to and then do everything on top of that. I never said he was lazy or a loser, they were your words. Again, i never said my work was more important but this is his only job, I work a second job as well. I work for him to help him out so he doesn't have to pay someone. I don't see how I'm that bad guy here? I've done everything I can to make this relationship work and unfortunately it has failed. Thanks again for your input.
    I'm sorry if it my post made you feel like the bad guy. That's not my intent. What I'm getting at is communication. "I don't know what to do about this" v. "Can you please get this fixed." or even more direct and assertive "can you please figure out who to call and let me know when you've got someone by 1pm". I don't know what to do is not a call for action and it's passive aggressive type communication. When you are trying to reverse so many years of a pattern, it will never work and some people simply won't pick up on what's between the lines. Same goes for when you come home and do everything else - why? Sit down, draw up a list of chores and discuss how to split it up and then split it up and don't pick up after his share. Maybe give that a shot before you flush the relationship down the drain.

    That said, if you are just completely done and want out, then you know what to do. A bunch of strangers on the internet can't really tell you what to do as you are correct that we don't really know you, your life or the details of your relationship - just a whole lot of presumptions.

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