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Thread: My head is being turned

  1. #11

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    Originally Posted by MissCanuck
    As your recognize, this is more about the serious problems in your relationship than it is about the plumber. (Who is no god if he's flirting with other women while his girlfriend cares for their new baby - he's a particularly scummy brand of scum.)

    It sounds like you're plain worn out from your relationship and it's been rather toxic for a long time. The romance seems quite dead - is that accurate? The dynamic you two have been living isn't sustainable, with his problem drinking and your mothering tendencies. The wheels were bound to come off sooner or later. Your interest in this plumber was apparently the catalyst for you to realize that you are really not happy anymore and can't go on this way.

    So, you are right to be concerned. You have a big decision in front of you. Let's say your boyfriend doesn't revert to his old ways (which I think is rather unlikely, but who knows) and keeps to his word about not drinking: do you feel this is already too far gone and you're too emotionally detached to work on it? What was your thought process behind choosing to stay throughout this past year when you say things got really rough? Do you feel you're there more out of convenience now, just because you've been together so long already?

    For clarity, how old are you and your boyfriend?
    Originally Posted by Lambert
    Hi, OP.

    I'm so sorry about your miscarriage.

    I think anyine would look good compared to your guy. 3 days no hot water and he's still sitting o. his butt. ugh

    Your story is all too familiar You kind of built this dynamic brick by brick. It starts out as you just want to show your love and take care of him, 9 years later, you're the mum.

    You may not be able to reverse this. So I think you need to really think about, is this what you actually want?

    You can't stay with someone because its "unfair" that 9 years later, your needs changed. it is on both people to meet the needs of each other.

    The fair thing to do, is to explain to him how you feel and see what he says. If he loses his mind or won't work on pitching in more, then you stay true to yourself. if you have to bail, you have to. You don't owe him. You owe yourself.
    Thank you, it was a tough time but I'm over it now, I just want to do what's best for both of us right now! I'm going to see what happens after lockdown and how he reacts to all the freedom he now has and the temptation of his friends asking him constantly to go out.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by JR91
    He just plays stupid games 🙄 you're right he's never said be my mum but it's like its impossible for him to do anything for himself. The boiler broke a few months ago and I left it 3 days and waited for him to step up and get it sorted but he didn't, so 3 days with no hot water or heating and I sorted it and got the boiler replaced. His mum mothered him his entire life and taught him no life skills. The relationship has progressed in that we bought a house together and got engaged but I still say boyfriend. He doesn't want to get married as he thinks it's a waste of time. We tried for a baby last year before things got bad and I had a miscarriage. After that things were so bad between us i refused to try again until we sorted it but now I'm wondering if we will. With future goals, his business is doing really well and there's progression there, but I run the admin side of it he just does the physical part.
    The problem with this is you can't change the dynamic you built yourself with silence. Boiler broke, you are just sitting waiting hoping he'll read your mind and step up. Meanwhile he is waiting on you to do what you've ALWAYS done in this relationship - take care of it. It's called a sh$t test and guess what? People always fail that because nobody can read your mind.

    The dynamic you've established has been like this for the past 9 years - he does certain things, you do other things. Even your business - you do admin, he does the physical work. It's called division of labor and well nobody can do all of it. If you break up, he'll simply have to hire someone else to do admin. Yet, you are stating your role as if....you are special and he is beneath you. Also, guy who works 7 days a week....can't really call him lazy or a loser either.

    If you want something else, you've got to learn how to speak up and ask for it and be clear about it. When you get home before me, can you please start the tea - that would make me very happy. Hey, can you take care of the boiler please and get someone out here. Relationships are all about division of labor and if you don't like the current situation, you have to open your mouth and state specifically what your problem is and what you want changed and how. Don't sh$t test your SO, it will never get you what you want.

    I see a lot of resentment on your end, but seems like a lot of it is you playing the silent martyr. Again, not a healthy way to be in any relationship on your part and if you don't fix that aspect of yourself, every long term relationship will turn out the same way for you - seething resentment over unmet silent expectations.

  3. #13
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    I wouldnít bother trying to fix this. He is a violent drunk who hits people causing injury. That would make me done right there.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    I don't judge you for that.....when you have had enough, you notice other things on the menu because you realize you have been starving for years. I agree with the others this plumber is bad news and has no integrity. That just goes to show you you need to be very careful about who you let into your life. As for your BF, he's only begging you to give him a chance because he will lose the one person that takes care of his needs, not that he loves you deeply. Well IMO he better learn to live on his own because you should consider getting out...9 years and you are no further ahead. He is unreliable, and I will tell you this, he isn't going to be able to stop drinking on his own without going to meetings, group therapy. Your attention was turned because you are done, and that knot is also about your decision to stay. Ask yourself, How would he be with raising a child? Financially, emotionally? Physically? You think he's going to change or feed the baby? I doubt it.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Why would you want to subject a child to this? Child services will just take it away when he tosses it across the room because "he can't handle his drink".

    Or you'll be visiting him in prison the next time he assaults someone. He belongs in jail for assault, not in a relationship.

    It doesn't matter how well his business is doing. It's an abusive relationship fueled by booze. Get out now.
    Originally Posted by JR91
    The main issue was him going out drinking all the time with his friends and then coming back with a temper because he can't handle his drink. He can be very violent when he's had a drink (not towards me) but towards others. Before we went into lockdown he hit someone while drunk for no reason and really hurt them.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    The cons far outweigh the pros. This would take a major overhaul, of him getting different friends or spending time with them without drinking and finding a new way to enjoy leisure time. It would take couples counseling where you both learn how to be happy together. But the fact is that he has a different major life goal that he doesn't want to get married and you do, that should be one of the dealbreakers for you.

    If he owns his business and you're not married, you don't have any of those financial benefits that a married woman would. There are many other financial assets that married couples enjoy that single cohabiting people don't. The crush you had is a symptom of the emotional disconnect you have with your partner. Any guy who flirts with you when he knows you're taken only wants a side dish.

    If you do leave this guy, don't date for a whole year. You need to learn to be happy solo and mourn the end of what was, before successfully beginning a new relationship.

    Good luck.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    The relationship ended awhile ago. It's over. Yes, you have emotionally checked out. What I'm sensing above resentment is fear from you. You fear that he'll revert back to his old habits and his judgment can't be trusted. He needs help and support from individuals (not yourself) who are trained and able to help. He has an alcohol dependency.

    I can't begin to comprehend the violence but you need to get out and not be around behaviours like this. It's self-sabotaging and destructive to your mental health. It doesn't matter that it's not happening to you. Witnessing and being around violent individuals will affect you negatively. One of my cardinal rules is that I refuse to be around verbally or physically violent and aggressive individuals. People who can't control their tempers or flare up at the slightest provocation are out the door or gone. I don't put up with it anymore. I don't treat it like a joke. I don't make excuses for them. It's out the door, gone. Disagreements are always healthy. Aggression, no. Start rebuilding - rebuild your sense of self and your boundaries.

    The plumber is no god at all. Be wary of individuals like this. You're too much in pain and in a haze to think clearly. Don't date for awhile after you move out or end things in your relationship. You're not in the right frame of mind to see red flags. He's in a relationship and a new father. Whatever his demons are leave him to fight them on his own but this isn't a good choice and you're feeling all that guilt build up which damages your self-esteem in the long run. Let go of the texts that happened but never go down that road again. You're wiser now for knowing how to spot those signs and avoid them.

    You seem to be a fixer or an enabler. Have you tried therapy to get to the bottom of why you pick romantic partners who need fixing?

    I can imagine it might seem scary and terrifying to begin your life on your own and restart without this person. But trust me, you can. Others have and you will. It will not be the end of the world. Things will not fall apart. You will be able to redesign your life again. You can pay your bills on your own. You can find a new neighbourhood or create a new reality for yourself.

    When we come to a crossroads like this so many thoughts can fill our mind. How can I do this? Who will do that? Am I going to be good enough? Will anyone want me or love me? What am I or what am I becoming? All those thoughts are natural and it's ok to feel overwhelmed. It takes time to rebuild. You can though and you will. It's important that you remain financially independent and stay on track with your career. Love what you do. Enjoy your free time and reconnect with family and friends.

    Don't be afraid of the silences because they will engulf you. I started to find great joy in the silences because they allowed me to expand and fill my heart and mind with so many more fulfilling things, more positive thoughts. I sink into the silences like a great ocean and submerge myself in thoughts - some good, some bad, but always remembering to come back up to the surface for air and becoming fluid both under water and above. I think this is how you begin to love yourself again.

    The first step starts with acknowledging that you cannot change everything or fix everything. I think there is peace in that and in letting go. You'll feel the weight of the world lifted off your shoulders when you start to realize it's not in your power to change someone or change certain circumstances. Some things are out of your hands and it is ok to let go.

  9. #18
    Platinum Member LaHermes's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by JR91
    I don't know what made me stay, I think a lot of it is fear of being on my own and that no one will want me. Also, I feel like I'm getting older and I want children which is always at the back of my mind. Another aspect is financial, I'm scared of being financially on my own if we sold our house I'd get half but then everything is down to me and that is a huge responsibility. We are 28.
    Fear is a bad advisor, JR. You will get your self-worth back once you are out of this outrageously toxic situation. Not sure what you mean by "everything is down to me and that is a huge responsibility".

    You can do this. Others have and so can you.

  10. #19
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by LaHermes
    Fear is a bad advisor, JR. You will get your self-worth back once you are out of this outrageously toxic situation. Not sure what you mean by "everything is down to me and that is a huge responsibility".

    You can do this. Others have and so can you.
    The wise wotds of LaHermes...

    OP, staying in a bad sitch will not make it a good sitch.

    28 years old... you're just warming up. but you gotta make good choices. you gotta make power moves...

    You have to decide what matters and go after it. If something doesnt work towards the life you want, then you have to let it go... friends, guys, jobs, whatever. you cant keep buying into what ifs and "when x happens I'll do y"

    success happens when hard work meets opportunity. And thats true in all walks of life. This guy aint the guy? ok. you know that now....

    you get open and stay open until the right guy comes along... you work on your career. you become self sufficient, then you never HAVE to settle. Its all on your terms. You want a family, only date guys that want a family.

    Even if you were 48 or 58... its never too late to live the life you want but you have to be strong. Decide what matters and take charge.

    You're kidding yourself if you think everything ISN'T ON YOU.

    Your life is on you. We all have to take care of ourselves 100% because no one is going to hand it to you. That is for movies and fairy tales.

    You know what the cure to fear is? faith. have faith that you got yourself into this, you'll get yourself out. 1. decide 2.define a plan 3. execute plan.

  11. #20
    Platinum Member LaHermes's Avatar
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    Exactly, Lambert, in particular this:

    "..you work on your career. you become self sufficient, then you never HAVE to settle. Its all on your terms"

    And, OP, work on addressing the neediness, on the "why" of the neediness and scaredness.

    You say you are scared no one will want you. Why do you say that?

    You are getting excellent advice here on this thread, and I particularly endorse the suggestion that you get therapy.

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