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do I have to make peace with my bf drinking


h0000

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My bf drinks to his friends once every few weeks and gets little drunk, and once every few months and gets big drunk. I on the other hand do not drink at all and I get super annoyed when he’s drunk because he can’t make conversations, hes too tired to do anything with me, he can’t sleep and keeps tossing so I can’t sleep either. Sometimes Im so tired after a sleepless night but the next day need to pull myself together and work.

 

On the other hand, to be fair to him he is responsible enough that he won’t let himself go into black out or to cause any trouble, he always makes sure he knows what’s happening and can walk and get himself home safe. he doesn't get aggressive, or rude, or embarrassing, or anything like that (thank god).

 

So what should I do here? When I ask him to drink less he goes “but I’m really having a good time with my friends”...Am I being to fussy and sucking the fun out of him and his friends ? Should I relax and find a way to handle it myself? We are in our mid 20s

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Recalling your other threads, this sounds like it's been a pretty fraught relationship. Speaking generally for a moment, that might be worth exploring and asking if you think it should be this hard, this heady.

 

In terms of the specifics? Well, it's related. You certainly don't need to make peace with "his drinking," but if you can't make peace with "who he is" then you have a real compatibility problem. You've been together around nine months, best I can tell, which would mean these "big drunk" moments you're struggling with have occurred...well, how often? Three or four times? Back to compatibility: I think one way to gauge it is if the things we're annoyed about every few months—be it a so-so job on the dishes or getting a buzz on with friends—aren't all that annoying.

 

Guess what I'm trying to say is that there's no right or wrong here so much as what feels right, and what sincerely works, for you. And for him. But trying to get someone to change behavior they think is fine but you don't? Or trying to bend yourself into a shape to accommodate something that's outside of your comfort zone? Well, that's where things get pretty tense.

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Guess what I'm trying to say is that there's no right or wrong here so much as what feels right, and what sincerely works, for you. And for him. But trying to get someone to change behavior they think is fine but you don't? Or trying to bend yourself into a shape to accommodate something that's outside of your comfort zone? Well, that's where things get pretty tense.

So he's not gonna stop being drunk for me? Im not asking him to quit alcohol but just to not get drunk. He's not gonna do that for me? And it's unreasonable for me to ask for that?

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So he's not gonna stop being drunk for me? Im not asking him to quit alcohol but just to not get drunk. He's not gonna do that for me? And it's unreasonable for me to ask for that?

 

You already have, and he hasn't changed.

 

If you don't like it, then find someone who does not drink to excess.

 

He is not going to do that for you.

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Did you know this about him when you started dating?

 

Yes but he doesnt drink as much when I'm around. When he's with the boys he'd enjoy bit more alcohol.

Apparently he drank more in his bachelor days (every weekend) and already cut it down after he met me. :/

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So he's not gonna stop being drunk for me? Im not asking him to quit alcohol but just to not get drunk. He's not gonna do that for me? And it's unreasonable for me to ask for that?

 

Answering those questions simply: No, no, and yes.

 

What strikes me in your questioning above, and in the post, is this idea of "for you." I feel you're looking for proof that he "cares," or not, and then "testing" that based on (a) how he behaves and (b) the degree to which he'll adjust his behavior for you. That's an awfully pressurized state of being for a relationship, on both sides.

 

Have to ask: Is there anything else you're hoping for him to adjust, to show you he cares, aside from the drinking?

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Answering those questions simply: No, no, and yes.

 

What strikes me in your questioning above, and in the post, is this idea of "for you." I feel you're looking for proof that he "cares," or not, and then "testing" that based on (a) how he behaves and (b) the degree to which he'll adjust his behavior for you. That's an awfully pressurized state of being for a relationship, on both sides.

 

Have to ask: Is there anything else you're hoping for him to adjust, to show you he cares, aside from the drinking?

 

I'd adjust myself for him too if that makes him happy and doesnt do harm for myself, isnt it called 'compromising"? I'm sure no two people are the same and likes everything about each other. So we adjust/even change for each other because we care.

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When people change voluntarily, it's generally long lasting. When a spouse or employer asks them to change, they may only temporarily do this to appease them. Compromising would be to meet somewhere in the middle.

 

The nitty gritty: Are your lifestyles otherwise similar? Do you have similar values?

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I'd adjust myself for him too if that makes him happy and doesnt do harm for myself, isnt it called 'compromising"? I'm sure no two people are the same and likes everything about each other. So we adjust/even change for each other because we care.

 

So what is YOUR compromise on this matter?

I suggested one , which is to sleep in seperate beds when he occasionally goes out drinking.

After all your issue with him drinking seems to be primarily about you getting lack of sleep?

 

I don’t see you adjusting for him in this? Just you expecting him to?

How is that fair?

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Google BINGE DRINKING. Put money aside for a good lawyer and insurance. Binge drinking is not harmless . You need to move out for your own sanity. The binge drinking is just another problem on top of the many others. You are not going to fix him, just because you moved in.

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Google BINGE DRINKING. Put money aside for a good lawyer and insurance. Binge drinking is not harmless . You need to move out for your own sanity. The binge drinking is just another problem on top of the many others. You are not going to fix him, just because you moved in.

 

Sorry but I have to disagree.

This guy goes out for drinks with his friends about once every few weeks and drinks then and then only.

 

You need to realise that the OP is a NON drinker and therefore likely exaggerates.

 

Her main issue is that when he drinks is that she doesn’t get a good nights dlepp next to him. Why does she need a lawyer and insurance? Insurance for what exactly???

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It's important to be realistic and put "yet" after all your disclaimers.

 

Hasn't blacked out Yet. Hasn't gotten into trouble Yet. Hasn't been rude Yet. Hasn't gotten into legal trouble Yet. Hasn't gotten nasty about it Yet.

 

Then you will have an accurate portrait of what living with him will look like.

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So he's not gonna stop being drunk for me? Im not asking him to quit alcohol but just to not get drunk. He's not gonna do that for me? And it's unreasonable for me to ask for that?

 

Yes, it's completely unreasonable to expect or even want anyone to change for you. A huge part of relationships is natural compatibility. Meaning that two people get along easily without the need for major changes or major compromises.

 

When it comes to real life relationships, you need to toss out all the hollywood rom com nonsense that "if he or she loves me, they'll totally change who they are for me". It's not romantic to look at a person and go, "well, I don't like who you are and how you are, but if you change into someone else, this relationship will work great for me."

 

You don't seek to change someone. If the relationship isn't working as is, if you don't like major aspects about the person, then you break up and find someone else who is more compatible, a person who doesn't need to change for you to be happy.

 

Compromise in a relationship should be about small mundane things, not major incompatibilities.

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Yes, agree with Dancing Fool. You can tell him "I feel uncomfortable with how often you get drunk" and then he gets to do what he wants with the information. As do you. I dated someone who behaved this way for the better part of our relationship in our mid 20s. One time though changed things. We went to a party, he got very drunk (we were staying over) and while drunk went for a walk on the beach with someone else's girlfriend who made a pass at him. Her boyfriend then made a pass at me. I was sober and resisted. He felt awful about this and had a terrible hangover the next day (he also felt awful since he'd basically put me in harm's way). After that he chose not to drink to excess. As it turned out his drinking was partly a response to his confusion over his sexual orientation which I had no clue about. He's been with and happily married to a man now for over 20 years.

 

(FWIW I would not be ok with your situation at all for various reasons).

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Ok. as a non drinker, you don't know how it is for him. Once a person is drinking, its hard to just have one or two drinks. It starts going down really good & fast and before you know it- youre drunk.

 

Thats why its nearly impossible to control. And why some people drink and drive... they think they are ok. Not saying its right, just saying while drinking, most people can't catch themselves.

 

Also its not going to work... unless he decides to stop drinking for his own reasons. He's having fun with his friends and he doesn't want to stop. He just doesnt want you to be mad. It has nothing to do with his love for you.

 

You may just be incompatible. Alcohol use is a lifestyle choice. People who don't drink are probably better off with others that don't.

 

I've been a part of and known many couples that are not compatible in this way. Its a lot of fighting... It is terrible and I feel for you... but know he probably can't change. So you need to decide if you can deal with this as is.

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If I wanted peace from a bed I shared with someone who kept me awake, I'd go to the couch or wherever else I could spend the rest of the night asleep. In the morning, I'd negotiate a compromise: When you're going to drink, I'm asking you to sleep on the couch to avoid waking me up.

 

If that doesn't work, I'd decide what I want my own future to look like. Either I'm willing to put up with a drinker who won't cooperate with my need for sleep, or I envision myself finding someone who is more considerate.

 

Trying to impose a 'should' on someone else isn't against the law, but it's not likely to turn out well. Resentment is a lousy foundation for a relationship.

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[quote name=

 

You don't seek to change someone. If the relationship isn't working as is, if you don't like major aspects about the person, then you break up and find someone else who is more compatible, a person who doesn't need to change for you to be happy.

 

Compromise in a relationship should be about small mundane things, not major incompatibilities.

That's about it, Dancing F.

 

I seem to recall, OP, that you have a property of your own. It may be best to move there.

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