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Thread: do I have to make peace with my bf drinking

  1. #21
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    Yes, agree with Dancing Fool. You can tell him "I feel uncomfortable with how often you get drunk" and then he gets to do what he wants with the information. As do you. I dated someone who behaved this way for the better part of our relationship in our mid 20s. One time though changed things. We went to a party, he got very drunk (we were staying over) and while drunk went for a walk on the beach with someone else's girlfriend who made a pass at him. Her boyfriend then made a pass at me. I was sober and resisted. He felt awful about this and had a terrible hangover the next day (he also felt awful since he'd basically put me in harm's way). After that he chose not to drink to excess. As it turned out his drinking was partly a response to his confusion over his sexual orientation which I had no clue about. He's been with and happily married to a man now for over 20 years.

    (FWIW I would not be ok with your situation at all for various reasons).

  2. #22
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    You have already talked AT him. The answer is No he is not going to change. It's his place so move out or sleep on the couch.

  3. #23
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    Ok. as a non drinker, you don't know how it is for him. Once a person is drinking, its hard to just have one or two drinks. It starts going down really good & fast and before you know it- youre drunk.

    Thats why its nearly impossible to control. And why some people drink and drive... they think they are ok. Not saying its right, just saying while drinking, most people can't catch themselves.

    Also its not going to work... unless he decides to stop drinking for his own reasons. He's having fun with his friends and he doesn't want to stop. He just doesnt want you to be mad. It has nothing to do with his love for you.

    You may just be incompatible. Alcohol use is a lifestyle choice. People who don't drink are probably better off with others that don't.

    I've been a part of and known many couples that are not compatible in this way. Its a lot of fighting... It is terrible and I feel for you... but know he probably can't change. So you need to decide if you can deal with this as is.

  4. #24
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    If I wanted peace from a bed I shared with someone who kept me awake, I'd go to the couch or wherever else I could spend the rest of the night asleep. In the morning, I'd negotiate a compromise: When you're going to drink, I'm asking you to sleep on the couch to avoid waking me up.

    If that doesn't work, I'd decide what I want my own future to look like. Either I'm willing to put up with a drinker who won't cooperate with my need for sleep, or I envision myself finding someone who is more considerate.

    Trying to impose a 'should' on someone else isn't against the law, but it's not likely to turn out well. Resentment is a lousy foundation for a relationship.

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  6. #25
    Platinum Member LaHermes's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by

    [I
    You don't seek to change someone. If the relationship isn't working as is, if you don't like major aspects about the person, then you break up and find someone else who is more compatible, a person who doesn't need to change for you to be happy.

    Compromise in a relationship should be about small mundane things, not major incompatibilities.
    [/I]
    That's about it, Dancing F.

    I seem to recall, OP, that you have a property of your own. It may be best to move there.

  7. #26
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    This is a compatibility issue. He was like this when you met, so this is how he is. I understand this behavior is intolerable to you but if he doesn't see it as an issue this should be a deal breaker. This is why we date before marriage....to see what they are like and how compatible we are, to see if it the relationship is sustainable for the long haul. This isn't working out, so it's time to move on. It's a lesson learned that when dating someone new to make sure drinking or getting drunk is not on their list of what they like to do. There problem solved.

  8. #27
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    So he's mid-20s, gets buzzed or tipsy every few weeks, maybe 4 or 5 nights a year gets to the point of walking or calling a Lyft. The extent of his obnoxiousness seems to extend to not being a riveting conversationalist when he comes home and stirring a bit extra in his sleep. I get that you don't drink and your sensibilities are gonna be a bit heightened when it comes to alcohol consumption. That's certainly respectable and your right. On the flip side, it's also his right to be, well... someone who's in his mid-20s. While certainly not as healthy as abstaining altogether (which sincerely gets a kudos from me), letting himself get a bit looser a few times a year while still maintaining his awareness and coherency is on the healthier end of the cultural norm. At the very least nothing I'd consider slapping him with an amateur diagnosis of being a binge drinker over.

    Does that mean you have to accept it? Absolutely not. It means that if there were a situation you'd have even a bad excuse to expect him to change, this certainly isn't one of them. If you don't want someone who drinks, that's something you make loud and clear from the very beginning. And it's not a "so long as someday you'll quit" thing. It's a "NEXT" thing. Again, you're well within your rights for it to be a dealbreaker if someone ever drinks to inebriation. But so long as someone does, and more significantly, has been doing so, you've got no license to control their behavior.

    There are some minor asks you could extend to make the behavior more tolerable to you so long as you're actually doing so in good faith. One that sticks out would be asking that he crash on the couch or the spare bed when he's gone beyond buzzed. So long as you make it clear it's due to him stirring rather than the simple fact he drank, there shouldn't be any cause for offense.

    Honestly though, between expecting him to financially cover you for not having a tenant and now you expecting him to forego getting drunk at all, you seem to take a lot of liberty in dictating some pretty substantial life choices of his. I'd really gauge whether you and him are fundamentally compatible.

  9. #28
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    Why would he cut back? It's not like you plan to have a drink with him. You two are not compatible, and that's okay. Plenty of normal, great dudes don't drink

  10. #29
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    Originally Posted by Lambert
    Ok. as a non drinker, you don't know how it is for him. Once a person is drinking, its hard to just have one or two drinks. It starts going down really good & fast and before you know it- youre drunk.

    Thats why its nearly impossible to control. And why some people drink and drive... they think they are ok. Not saying its right, just saying while drinking, most people can't catch themselves.

    Also its not going to work... unless he decides to stop drinking for his own reasons. He's having fun with his friends and he doesn't want to stop. He just doesnt want you to be mad. It has nothing to do with his love for you.

    You may just be incompatible. Alcohol use is a lifestyle choice. People who don't drink are probably better off with others that don't.

    I've been a part of and known many couples that are not compatible in this way. Its a lot of fighting... It is terrible and I feel for you... but know he probably can't change. So you need to decide if you can deal with this as is.
    I used to enjoy most of a glass of wine (my limit before I felt tipsy - very low tolerance to alcholol) and my husband will have some wine or a beer occasionally -less so these past years. We are not non drinkers. We never ever in our 35 years or so of drinking ever had an issue knowing when to stop. I never had the urge to keep drinking to excess, I've never been drunk. Had no interest but I did enjoy some wine. I don't anymore really just because I rarely go out at night but if I did I might order a glass of wine. I have many many friends who behave the same way over many years. Some people don't know when to stop or prefer not to stop. That's only a subset of people who drink alcohol. Same with eating junk food or a variety of other temptations in life.

  11. #30
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    I was always perfectly capable of having just one beer or one glass of wine. I do know a few people who cannot control their drinking. One friend drinks until 1 am every time he goes to the bar despite having to be at work at 6:30 am. A former coworker told me he either can have zero drinks or he will have 12 drinks. There's no in between for him.

    I can't relate because as I mentioned I can easily have one drink (although I no longer drink - doctor's orders!), but some people just can't seem to limit themselves.

    OP, does he get blasting drunk every time he goes out drinking?

    BTW, forget about thinking someone "should" want to do something you want them to do just because they're in a relationship with you. That's a bad road to go down because where does it end? Better to choose someone who's actions and behaviors are aligned with yours.

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