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Thread: do I have to make peace with my bf drinking

  1. #11
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    I would refer you to my signature line.

    I wonder if he felt the same way about wanting you to change (referencing your previous thread).

  2. #12
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by h0000
    So he's not gonna stop being drunk for me? Im not asking him to quit alcohol but just to not get drunk. He's not gonna do that for me? And it's unreasonable for me to ask for that?
    Answering those questions simply: No, no, and yes.

    What strikes me in your questioning above, and in the post, is this idea of "for you." I feel you're looking for proof that he "cares," or not, and then "testing" that based on (a) how he behaves and (b) the degree to which he'll adjust his behavior for you. That's an awfully pressurized state of being for a relationship, on both sides.

    Have to ask: Is there anything else you're hoping for him to adjust, to show you he cares, aside from the drinking?

  3. #13
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Answering those questions simply: No, no, and yes.

    What strikes me in your questioning above, and in the post, is this idea of "for you." I feel you're looking for proof that he "cares," or not, and then "testing" that based on (a) how he behaves and (b) the degree to which he'll adjust his behavior for you. That's an awfully pressurized state of being for a relationship, on both sides.

    Have to ask: Is there anything else you're hoping for him to adjust, to show you he cares, aside from the drinking?
    I'd adjust myself for him too if that makes him happy and doesnt do harm for myself, isnt it called 'compromising"? I'm sure no two people are the same and likes everything about each other. So we adjust/even change for each other because we care.

  4. #14
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    When people change voluntarily, it's generally long lasting. When a spouse or employer asks them to change, they may only temporarily do this to appease them. Compromising would be to meet somewhere in the middle.

    The nitty gritty: Are your lifestyles otherwise similar? Do you have similar values?

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  6. #15
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    I don't think he's not going to get drunk at all anymore, no.

    All you can do is decide if you want to stay with a guy who gets drunk every once in a while.

  7. #16
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    Originally Posted by h0000
    I'd adjust myself for him too if that makes him happy and doesnt do harm for myself, isnt it called 'compromising"? I'm sure no two people are the same and likes everything about each other. So we adjust/even change for each other because we care.
    So what is YOUR compromise on this matter?
    I suggested one , which is to sleep in seperate beds when he occasionally goes out drinking.
    After all your issue with him drinking seems to be primarily about you getting lack of sleep?

    I donít see you adjusting for him in this? Just you expecting him to?
    How is that fair?

  8. #17
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Google BINGE DRINKING. Put money aside for a good lawyer and insurance. Binge drinking is not harmless . You need to move out for your own sanity. The binge drinking is just another problem on top of the many others. You are not going to fix him, just because you moved in.

  9. #18
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Google BINGE DRINKING. Put money aside for a good lawyer and insurance. Binge drinking is not harmless . You need to move out for your own sanity. The binge drinking is just another problem on top of the many others. You are not going to fix him, just because you moved in.
    Sorry but I have to disagree.
    This guy goes out for drinks with his friends about once every few weeks and drinks then and then only.

    You need to realise that the OP is a NON drinker and therefore likely exaggerates.

    Her main issue is that when he drinks is that she doesnít get a good nights dlepp next to him. Why does she need a lawyer and insurance? Insurance for what exactly???

  10. #19
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    It's important to be realistic and put "yet" after all your disclaimers.

    Hasn't blacked out Yet. Hasn't gotten into trouble Yet. Hasn't been rude Yet. Hasn't gotten into legal trouble Yet. Hasn't gotten nasty about it Yet.

    Then you will have an accurate portrait of what living with him will look like.

  11. #20
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by h0000
    So he's not gonna stop being drunk for me? Im not asking him to quit alcohol but just to not get drunk. He's not gonna do that for me? And it's unreasonable for me to ask for that?
    Yes, it's completely unreasonable to expect or even want anyone to change for you. A huge part of relationships is natural compatibility. Meaning that two people get along easily without the need for major changes or major compromises.

    When it comes to real life relationships, you need to toss out all the hollywood rom com nonsense that "if he or she loves me, they'll totally change who they are for me". It's not romantic to look at a person and go, "well, I don't like who you are and how you are, but if you change into someone else, this relationship will work great for me."

    You don't seek to change someone. If the relationship isn't working as is, if you don't like major aspects about the person, then you break up and find someone else who is more compatible, a person who doesn't need to change for you to be happy.

    Compromise in a relationship should be about small mundane things, not major incompatibilities.

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