Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 2 of 2 FirstFirst 12
Results 11 to 16 of 16

Thread: Reigniting attraction in wife

  1. #11

    Join Date
    Jun 2020
    Posts
    4
    Hi all, thanks for your many thoughtful replies - this is the best forum i have posted on!
    We continue to have daily chats about this, really exploring things.
    It's feeling less and less likely we can come back.
    She mentioned that for years it has seemed like I am dragging my feet with her: didn't want to get married (took a long time to propose), didn't want to have a baby (I wanted to wait another year), didn't want to have sex during late pregnancy or early on having our child (true). I can see that that would slowly kill her passion: her thinking that I did not have the passion myself. Actually many times I turned her down in the evenings even before we got married: my sex drive is very low in the evenings, it's much higher in the evenings, whereas I think hers is the other way around. But we never really spoke about it calmly and carefully, so that must've felt terrible to her. I feel awful now, thinking back about all that.
    That's why I'm thinking it's hard to come back from this, I've been grinding her down for years and slowly crushed the spark.
    She says we have all the ingredients of a perfect marriage apart from the spark (which we did have before). She really wants our life to make her happy but currently it doesn't, because of that lack of a vital component.
    Some of you blame her for what you call the affair: I don't and never have. I know that nothing can stop a human heart racing out the gate, all I can do is forgive her out of compassion. I don't think there's more she wasn't telling me: they had a drunken kiss one night but he wasn't that into it, so mutual attraction wasn't there.
    Many of the suggestions sound great but somewhat too superficial to really help.

    Anyway there's more information, please do come back to me with thoughts.

    FYI we are planning to start marriage counselling in the next couple of weeks. We both really want it to work out.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2013
    Location
    Wilds of Texas
    Posts
    11,122
    Gender
    Female
    Nothing can stop the human heart from racing out the gate??? What a romantic notion and also complete and utter bs, OP. What stops it is called integrity, loyalty, responsibility to your family and your spouse. Emotions are fleeting, but loyalty is a choice and she chose to cheat. NO, sorry it's not all on you so please stop with the guilt trip. Cheaters always always blame the SO - insert any blame shifting excuse you want here. When you stop listening to the blame shifting bs on what a horrible spouse you've been.....what rises from the murky waters is simple - choice. She chose to cheat and she got caught....ooops. Enter the blameshifting, the love bombing, the promises to get better, the I want this to work out, I'm sooo sorry I cheated (well not really, just sorry I got caught).

    Oh you didn't propose fast enough, the spark was dead for years - then why did she marry you, why did she promise loyalty and fidelity in front of all your family and friends, why did she have a child with you? She had plenty of opportunity to walk away. I'd bet money that there was no problem until she ran across someone willing to help her cheat. Only then did you become a "monster" who was too slow, too this, too that. That's a whole lot of bs, OP. Cheaters lie and you better learn to understand this.

    Anyway, you are not in a place emotionally or mentally where you can accept that you didn't cause this or that your spouse has some major character issues, so off to counseling you go. I hope it helps you and I really hope that a few years down the road you aren't back here at square one - because she cheated again.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member lostandhurt's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2008
    Location
    California
    Age
    56
    Posts
    8,057
    Gender
    Male
    You are doing what I warned you not to do which is take the blame for her actions.

    I always find it interesting that the marriage failures are all brought up AFTER one spouse meets someone new. Your wife basically blamed you for the way she is feeling. Don't fall for all that crap!!!

    If you want to figure out how to repair this then there needs to be brutal honesty from you both. You are kidding yourself and trying to take the blame for all this because if it is your fault you can fix it, but if it is all on her then you have zero control of the outcome which is scary.

    You really need to open your eyes and see her for who she really is right now, not the women you love so deeply that you would die for her.

    By the way how did she end up in a situation where there was a drunken kiss?

    Cheaters lie and she has not been totally truthful with you.

    Lost

  4. #14
    Platinum Member LaHermes's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2017
    Location
    Europe
    Posts
    2,312
    Gender
    Female
    Originally Posted by DancingFool
    Nothing can stop the human heart from racing out the gate??? What a romantic notion and also complete and utter bs, OP. What stops it is called integrity, loyalty, responsibility to your family and your spouse. Emotions are fleeting, but loyalty is a choice and she chose to cheat. NO, sorry it's not all on you so please stop with the guilt trip. Cheaters always always blame the SO - insert any blame shifting excuse you want here. When you stop listening to the blame shifting bs on what a horrible spouse you've been.....what rises from the murky waters is simple - choice. She chose to cheat and she got caught....ooops. Enter the blameshifting, the love bombing, the promises to get better, the I want this to work out, I'm sooo sorry I cheated (well not really, just sorry I got caught).

    Oh you didn't propose fast enough, the spark was dead for years - then why did she marry you, why did she promise loyalty and fidelity in front of all your family and friends, why did she have a child with you? She had plenty of opportunity to walk away. I'd bet money that there was no problem until she ran across someone willing to help her cheat. Only then did you become a "monster" who was too slow, too this, too that. That's a whole lot of bs, OP. Cheaters lie and you better learn to understand this.

    Anyway, you are not in a place emotionally or mentally where you can accept that you didn't cause this or that your spouse has some major character issues, so off to counseling you go. I hope it helps you and I really hope that a few years down the road you aren't back here at square one - because she cheated again.
    I can only echo every word you say, Dancing F.

  5.  

  6. #15
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2009
    Location
    California
    Posts
    4,228
    Gender
    Male
    Dont plan on counseling, make the appointment yourself. If you are working, your job might have an EAP that can get you in with a counselor right away. BTW, you don't have to wait to go together. You can go to a counselor by yourself then after a few sessions, she can go on her own or you two go together.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2018
    Location
    UK
    Posts
    1,126
    Gender
    Male
    Dont blame yourself. None of this is your fault. She's a grown woman. She chose to walk to down the path of deceit.

    The fact she chose to engage in an affair instead of directing her energy towards working on the relationship says it all.

    I'd be looking to seek legal advice and keep contact with her to a minimal but civil level for the kids sake.

Page 2 of 2 FirstFirst 12

Videos


Maintaining A Strong Relationship

Detaching From a Malignant Man

Divorced Parents Prefer Technology and Social Media As Communication Tool

Wedding Jitters Could Be a Predictor for a Future Divorce

Botox Fights Depression And Makes You Feel Happier

Men Are More Sensitive than Women when Having Relationship Problems
Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •