Girlfriend has an alcohol problem

I have been with my girlfriend now for nearly 18 months and things have been great. The only thing we ever argued about was that she has always been a nightmare when she is drunk. She doesn't have a dependency to alcohol but she clearly has a problem still. It seems she has no off button, and doesn't have any self control and gets too drunk, if I am with her, she will be rude to me, if she is drunk without me, I always worry as she does stupid things gets too drunk and loses things, gets lost, argues with people etc. Fyi she is 29 years old, not 18 haha.

Recently I confronted her and gave her an ultimatum, me or alcohol. I hated to do this, but I am at the point where I am so happy when she is sober, and when she is drunk, I am always so anxious. Anyway, she picked me, and agreed it needs to stop. 3 weeks later and we have not argued once, she has been great. However, she has been smoking weed. Now admittedly she smoked a bit before, and she is never irresponsible on weed, but she is still better when sober. Should I let this slide, or should this be included in the ultimatum? I really don't know. I feel like as long as it's every now and then, it's not an issue, if it replaces alcohol, then really she is making no sacrifice to help our relationship is she. I am stuck as to how I should even ben feeling right now, feeling a cross between betrayed, but also a little embarrassed that I'm actually annoyed about this atall. Any thoughts?

You have to stick to what’s true to you. If alcohol and weed are dealbreakers for you. There are plenty of other girls out there who don’t drink or smoke or do drugs! I personally can’t be with someone who smokes or drinks.

If you feel in your gut she’s replacing one addiction with another then I do say cut ties. She won’t change but you can change the situation by no longer being in it.

Ultimatums don't work. Splitting hairs about which drug, drink etc is worse is nonsense. Problem drinking is defined as Causing problems.

Too many people think alcoholism, alcohol dependence and problem drinking is for bums in alley sucking out of paper bags so distance themselves from that stereotype with type of gyrations you are doing.

The truth is most people with problem drinking (not physical dependence) are the guy next door, the woman at work, etc.

For her: https://www.aa.org/pages/en_US/is-aa-for-you-twelve-questions-only-you-can-answer

For you: https://al-anon.org/newcomers/self-quiz/adult-quiz/

There's a reason she's relying on alcohol or weed. It's up to her if she wants to see a professional about this.

Certainly check out the links Wiseman suggested and see if she's willing to seek help. You don't have to put up with her behaviour.

Both of you, not just her, need support if you are going to work together as a team. This is not an easy road. At 18 months you're really going to have to think long and hard how invested you are in this relationship.

Decide whether you're able to be part of that support she needs. You both may need to go your separate ways if she is dealing with more than you are willing to handle.

Whatever you decide is fine. Just make sure that you are informed and spend some time thinking about whether this is something you can live with.

Some people have a proclivity for addiction. It seems that she has an addictive personality based on your description. You need to let her go if it is a deal

breaker for you.

Accept that she has a dependency issue. She may behave for a few weeks, but ultimate, unless she decides to get help, she will relapse. All it will take is for you to be away on business, something stressful happens or she gets comfortable. Things are not "Great" - you are dating an alcoholic. And she does have a dependency because she traded one thing for another addiction. If you stay with her, you are in for years of this

The problem with ultimatums is that they push another into a corner, where they will resent you. That resentment will eventually come out sideways in one form or another.

Resentent is a horrible foundation to build anything upon.

You say,

she is never irresponsible on weed...

So decide what the problem 'must' be. Define it for yourself.

From there you have clarity. You get to decide whether the problem is a dealbreaker for you, or not.

If so, walk away. If not, then don't turn it into one prematurely.

You get to pick. None of us are in your shoes, so we don't get a vote.

If you have some specific problem with the weed use, then identify exactly what that is for your own clarity. From THERE, let us know, and we can help with whether you have a real argument or not--and how to approach that.

Head high, and be well.

This girl has an addiction problem. She feels it necessary to be ingesting some kind of alcohol or drug. You're going to have to realize, that it's unlikely she will ever be okay with being totally sober.

Besides the fact that smoking weed is pretty damn gross. It stinks and not many people would date a 'pothead'.

You need to decide what kind of girlfriend you want and what you're willing to put up with. If it were me, I would have sent her packing already. She sounds immature and irresponsible.

That's the kind of crap teenagers pull, not grown women.

OP, she has an underlying problem with dependence on substances.

Telling her to give up weed will not solve the real issue here. She is likely to seek out another drug to rely on, or go back to drinking bit by bit. Even if she's not doing it frequently, she doesn't seem to know how to use without it creating problems. She needs to address the reasons why she turns to the bottle or other substances.

Your ultimatum is not a long-term solution.

If you want to be around people whose brains are impaired do the world some good and volunteer to help people with dementia. Your relationship with her has already become about her impairment.

OP, unfortunately for you an ultimatum is a short term solution to a long term problem.

And she didn’t really pick you, she picked another substance.

You were wrong to give an ultimatum. In her panic she “chose” you , but it doesn’t seem like she was a daily drinker , more like a binge drinker. So for her to “choose” you on the short term was easy.

Instead of an ultimatum , it might have been wiser to simply say to her that you feel uncomfortable when she drinks too much, that she may be unaware but you feel very disrespected by her when she drinks too much etc etc

Then let her decide.

And if she continues as she were , then you decide whether to continue with the relationship or not.

You have resorted to being controlling and that just won’t work long term.

Let us know what eventuates. Good luck!

Sounds like she doesn't have an alcohol problem, she has a substance/addiction issue. When you gave her the ultimatium about alcohol, she stopped and subbed in MJ. This is a deeper problem than her just using these substances. If you give an ultimatium on MJ as well, she will probably just find something else to abuse. She can definitely get better but not with ultimatiums, she needs therapy/help and she needs to be self-aware enough to seek and get help. And it doesn't sound like she is.

Someone I know had CPS called on her by a neighbor. CPS required her to have monthly drug tests, so she gave up the meth she'd been using (she said she "needed" it to get up in the morning with her kids). So instead she began drinking heavily. She spent every single day drunk. After six months of testing clean for meth, CPS said they would end the drug testing. She immediately went back to the meth she "needed".

Your girlfriend is an addict and a substance abuser. Are you willing to go down that road with her?

I know you came here to find out if this can be fixed....the only way is for her to admit she has a problem and to get help. The pot is just and extension of her addiction issues. If you see it as an issue, tell her and go from there. If she refuses to get help, you know where the door is....walk out of it.

Unfortunately her age makes it worse. Honestly, unless you are into drugs/drinking or babysitting a drunken/high useless person, cut your losses.

There is no such thing as 'when they are not drunk, they are great', 'if she loved me she would quit'. That is fooling yourself.

It seems she has no off button, and doesn't have any self control and gets too drunk, if I am with her, she will be rude to me, if she is drunk without me, I always worry as she does stupid things gets too drunk and loses things, gets lost, argues with people etc. Fyi she is 29 years old, not 18 haha.

I have a rule of thumb about mind-altering substances and the people that consume them. If what they are doing causes you to be three people away from someone who would kill over the behavior or supply of drugs or drug-money, then you give up the person and behavior.

To be honest maybe figure out why she feels the need to drink so much, and use marijuana. Speaking from experience usually people who use these substances have underlying mental health issues, which they use as coping strategies. Maybe encourage her to get into therapy, to explore this? I had an alcoholic girlfriend in the past, who would always be drunk, I fell into the trap of always going out and doing that with her too. It wasn't a very fun relationship, I received emotional abuse as well. She was incredibly jealous (insecure). I say figure out if the THC is a dealbreaker, for me personally, it would be, but you and only you can decide that.

To be honest maybe figure out why she feels the need to drink so much, and use marijuana.

Sorry, but he's not her therapist. She needs to get professional help. He doesn't need to sit her down and counsel her or to baby her, she's a grown woman. It's up to her to get her butt into counselling or rehab or both.

This woman shouldn't even be in a relationship until she is clean and healthy otherwise she will just be unloading her issues onto someone else.

Sorry, but he's not her therapist. She needs to get professional help. He doesn't need to sit her down and counsel her or to baby her, she's a grown woman. It's up to her to get her butt into counselling or rehab or both.

 

This woman shouldn't even be in a relationship until she is clean and healthy otherwise she will just be unloading her issues onto someone else.

I said to ask that as in like ask as a simple question. If you read a few sentences later, I wrote that she might consider exploring this with a therapist

Both alcohol and weed are addictive. One does not have to be dependant to have a problem. They could be binge drinkers, have blackouts, and occasionally get wasted. I am not sure if an ultimatum is the best. If she really needs a substance, she may be trying to escape or deal with something. Perhaps have a discussion about how you care and see if you can get to the root of the issue. Maybe some treatment is needed. If that does not work, then maybe the ultimatum is needed.