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Thread: What should i say to him?

  1. #31

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    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    I'll raise a glass to that.

    Hear, hear.

    But.

    They're everywhere. And it comes with the dating territory. Be kind to yourself and take breaks with online dating if you feel your heart isn't into it. From what I'm reading, it doesn't appear like you're ready to take that leap of faith even though it's ugly, horrible and sometimes downright comical out there.

    Don't live in fear!

    I feel like you are fearful. It's good to be afraid. It reminds us of our limitations and the past but staying stuck there is a neverending loop. Use your fears like markers... or? Like a vaccine or an antibody that your body develops to a virus. You grow and develop yourself like you grow antibodies to different fears.

    Keep growing.
    Thanks.
    I think out of my friendship group, ive probably experienced the worst of them all. As some of them won't just meet anybody or theyre even more scared and don't want to meet anyone period...

    This guy his job is of being in a position of authority so its his job to protect people Anyway. Which is why i would *think* hes less like the creeps ive met. But at the same time has come across arrogant as well.

    Thing is im overall a kind person ( i think im an empath) so i am more susceptible to being treated in a negative manner.
    And especially online where you dont find the most stand up guys,
    Its difficult to find a person who fits my standards in the first place ( good morals and compassion).

    But yeh it is what it is i guess

  2. #32
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Freya112
    Thanks.
    I think out of my friendship group, ive probably experienced the worst of them all. As some of them won't just meet anybody or theyre even more scared and don't want to meet anyone period...

    This guy his job is of being in a position of authority so its his job to protect people Anyway. Which is why i would *think* hes less like the creeps ive met. But at the same time has come across arrogant as well.

    Thing is im overall a kind person ( i think im an empath) so i am more susceptible to being treated in a negative manner.
    And especially online where you dont find the most stand up guys,
    Its difficult to find a person who fits my standards in the first place ( good morals and compassion).

    But yeh it is what it is i guess
    Is this guy a police officer? This seems very similar to another poster who was doing the same thing about a year ago and texting an officer but didn't want to meet. I'm not judging you for reposting your story again.

    There are drawbacks to being an empath but it doesn't matter anyway. It's just one way to process the world around you but letting it determine the outcome is no good.

    You decide what's best for yourself. If staying holed up or not ever taking a chance is a better idea, so be it. Sometimes it takes time to get out there. If you're encountering the same issues year after year after year though, you've got no one else but yourself to blame for holding yourself back.

    People aren't going to meet your standards online anyway. I think this is a fallacy. What's really stopping you from meeting people in person? Are you afraid of being judged also the same way you judge others?

  3. #33

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    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    Is this guy a police officer? This seems very similar to another poster who was doing the same thing about a year ago and texting an officer but didn't want to meet. I'm not judging you for reposting your story again.

    There are drawbacks to being an empath but it doesn't matter anyway. It's just one way to process the world around you but letting it determine the outcome is no good.

    You decide what's best for yourself. If staying holed up or not ever taking a chance is a better idea, so be it. Sometimes it takes time to get out there. If you're encountering the same issues year after year after year though, you've got no one else but yourself to blame for holding yourself back.

    People aren't going to meet your standards online anyway. I think this is a fallacy. What's really stopping you from meeting people in person? Are you afraid of being judged also the same way you judge others?
    No hes not an officer. He is another type of key worker though

    Do i come across judgemental?
    If he had asked earlier to meet way before the pandemic i would have maybe met.him by now.
    But he kept acting suspicious of me...like he didnt trust i was who i said i was.

    I guess now he sort of felt..well a couple of months after speaking to me that it.would be ok to meet me.

    I am cautious of neither of us liking each other in person or just one liking the other more.
    I wouldnt say im scared and holed up though.

  4. #34
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    Okay, so this is what stood out for me: You sent him a gif which expressed that you are bored. It doesn't seem like much, but boredom is not an attractive quality. This tiny exchange of text signals to the other person that you have nothing better going on right now. Interesting people want to be with interesting people. Like for like and all that.

    I hope it all works out for you!

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  6. #35
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    The impression I'm getting here—and, I suspect, it's an impression he may have gotten—is that you are approaching dating (or at least the world of dating apps) with the goal of validating two main perspectives of the universe.

    Perspective one: You are super hot, super great, super kind.

    Perspective two: Men are super awful, super creepy, super ego-driven pervs.

    It's one way to go about it, but it's limited, like swimming in the ocean and only worrying about sharks because you once saw a YouTube video of a shark attack. Best to go swimming when you're open to the water, the waves, the shifts in temperatures, the potential for joy and mystery out there in the salty currents. Until then? Hang out on the sand, relaxing until you're ready for a dip. No shame in that.

    I have no doubt that you're a kind human being. But it's worth noting that you are not approaching the business of dating, at least in this case, with much kindness. "I wouldn't mind"—that's an unkind response to a kind gesture. "I'm bored"—that's an unkind means of contacting someone, since it's making them all about you and making you less bored. "You must hate me"—really unkind, as it's assuming something negative about a person and passive-aggressively testing them to prove you wrong.

    You've repeatedly, if not consciously, set everything up so that responses from him requires him to disrespect himself in order to reward your skittishness, soothe your insecurities, assuage your boredom, and confirm your negative assumptions about men. The only kind of man who will continuously engage in all that? Well, it's basically the exact man you're saying you don't want to meet but keep running into out there in the ocean.

    We attract, it's worth remembering, the energy we put out.

  7. #36
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    I just get the feeling that this has alot to do with you wanting something you can't have now.
    When he was available, you were evasive and dismissive. Now that he's over it, you want him back.
    Is this a dynamic in most of your relationships?
    There is a plethora of documentation about being attracted to someone unavailable. It's a reflection of your own readiness and availability to even be in a relationship.
    Maybe something to think about or look into . .especially before you go back to online dating - or dating period.

  8. #37
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Freya112
    No hes not an officer. He is another type of key worker though

    Do i come across judgemental?
    If he had asked earlier to meet way before the pandemic i would have maybe met.him by now.
    But he kept acting suspicious of me...like he didnt trust i was who i said i was.

    I guess now he sort of felt..well a couple of months after speaking to me that it.would be ok to meet me.

    I am cautious of neither of us liking each other in person or just one liking the other more.
    I wouldnt say im scared and holed up though.
    The pandemic did throw a wrench in things but he's not responding now.

    Why bother with someone who didn't take the time to get to know you (if you feel that's how he acted)?

    If he was evasive to you and inconsistent like you say, you don't need that type of energy or person in your life.

    I'm puzzled why you think he's so great if he made all the wrong moves. I understand regret and maybe second guessing yourself but life is short. This person hardly was a presence in your life. Why knock your head so hard and be so hard on yourself regarding someone you barely spoke with, let alone knew?

  9. #38

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    Originally Posted by greendots
    Okay, so this is what stood out for me: You sent him a gif which expressed that you are bored. It doesn't seem like much, but boredom is not an attractive quality. This tiny exchange of text signals to the other person that you have nothing better going on right now. Interesting people want to be with interesting people. Like for like and all that.

    I hope it all works out for you!
    Thank you. I hope it does too

  10. #39

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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    The impression I'm getting here—and, I suspect, it's an impression he may have gotten—is that you are approaching dating (or at least the world of dating apps) with the goal of validating two main perspectives of the universe.

    Perspective one: You are super hot, super great, super kind.

    Perspective two: Men are super awful, super creepy, super ego-driven pervs.

    It's one way to go about it, but it's limited, like swimming in the ocean and only worrying about sharks because you once saw a YouTube video of a shark attack. Best to go swimming when you're open to the water, the waves, the shifts in temperatures, the potential for joy and mystery out there in the salty currents. Until then? Hang out on the sand, relaxing until you're ready for a dip. No shame in that.

    I have no doubt that you're a kind human being. But it's worth noting that you are not approaching the business of dating, at least in this case, with much kindness. "I wouldn't mind"—that's an unkind response to a kind gesture. "I'm bored"—that's an unkind means of contacting someone, since it's making them all about you and making you less bored. "You must hate me"—really unkind, as it's assuming something negative about a person and passive-aggressively testing them to prove you wrong.

    You've repeatedly, if not consciously, set everything up so that responses from him requires him to disrespect himself in order to reward your skittishness, soothe your insecurities, assuage your boredom, and confirm your negative assumptions about men. The only kind of man who will continuously engage in all that? Well, it's basically the exact man you're saying you don't want to meet but keep running into out there in the ocean.

    We attract, it's worth remembering, the energy we put out.
    Ok so ....what do you think i should have said instead in all those examples ?
    Or what should i have done instead?

    He asked do i want to meet him? He didnt say i want to meet you or we should get together sometime it would be fun. So i didnt see the way he asked me as a kind gesture necessarily.
    It was then followed by...send me a photo first though(another photo he already has one) ..so he then turned into a conditional meet up. Based on if he likes my second photo. Or that's how he made it sound

  11. #40

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    Originally Posted by reinventmyself
    I just get the feeling that this has alot to do with you wanting something you can't have now.
    When he was available, you were evasive and dismissive. Now that he's over it, you want him back.
    Is this a dynamic in most of your relationships?
    There is a plethora of documentation about being attracted to someone unavailable. It's a reflection of your own readiness and availability to even be in a relationship.
    Maybe something to think about or look into . .especially before you go back to online dating - or dating period.
    Its happened before. But i think its more that i end up taking my time and taking the person for granted.

    However if the person is too intense (which he was at first)...it causes me to back away.
    He was putting time limits on me and pressure to move things forward quicker than it was according to him.
    I guess he realised that wasnt going to happen with me..but after he just allowed me to come to him instead

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