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Thread: I Feel Obligated to Stay with My Boyfriend even though I'm not happy

  1. #1

    I Feel Obligated to Stay with My Boyfriend even though I'm not happy

    My boyfriend and I have been dating online for over a year. We met online in a game and have hit off. We havenít met yet but we planned to meet in Autumn. I catfished him for a few months because I wasnít taking the relationship seriously until I realized he was being honest about his feelings and he wasnít just putting on a persona. I came clean to him about catfishing him and he forgave me. We had a long talk about how we both felt afterwards and how we would proceed. He agreed to let the past be the past and so did I. Everything has been good on the surface but I have been having an overwhelming feeling of emptiness when I interact with him.
    We used to game together every day until we started to play a new game where heíd continuously compare me to one of his best friends who was way better at the game. I told him he had to lower his expectations because I wasnít experienced enough at the game to play as well. One night he got extremely upset at the way I played because I kept messing up and we had to keep starting over. He decided that we should stop playing for the day. So we did. After that I couldnít play the game without having a strong amount of anxiety because I felt pressured to play well so I told him I didnít want to play anymore and how it made me feel. His response was that he was fine with not playing but at the same time he seemed relieved to not have to play the game anymore. Later on we tried some different games but he just seemed indifferent or like he was literally playing certain games solely for me but he got no enjoyment out of it. So I stopped playing online games with him all together because it just wasnít fun anymore.
    We replaced playing games with watching movies and/or shows together. Itís nice but itís not gaming. Iím a gamer at heart and I love doing it. Now we just play separately whenever we play games and if heís online he wonít start talking to me until a certain time of day.
    Since this change we went from spending maybe 5 - 6 hours a day now itís maybe 1 - 2 hours a day together. I talked to him about it and he seemed unbothered and happy about having more space so I accepted it as our new normal. But honestly it bothers me a lot and sometimes I feel like the less time I spend with him, the less I even care about having time with him because it seems like it doesn't phase him.
    Not only that but he doesnít let me in as to what is going on with him as much as he used to. It seems like I am the last person to know if he's doing something differently or if he won't be spending any time with me for a day he'll have it planned ahead for a week or more but won't let me know until the day of or I'm left to figure out that we won't be spending any time together. He maintains that there's just certain things he wants to take care of on his own without having to rely on me or my opinion which I understand but I've told him it would be considerate to let me know since we've made a habit of spending time together each day and he just still doesn't do it.
    I enjoy spending time with him/talking to him and I do love him but I feel like I am settling for only getting pieces of him and if I continue to have a relationship with him beyond online dating this is what our relationship will be. Us literally only spending a few hours together and not being able to handle each other's presence beyond that. He lets me know heís very appreciative of the space I allow him to have with no problem and I have given him the impression that I am okay with the space I give him because I've been afraid to step on his toes in anyway but it's irritating and it becoming more apparent every day that this is not the relationship I want.
    Iím conflicted because I feel like I am being selfish if I oppose anything in our relationship. I have brought up problems in the past and heís always willing to work them through with me and always very sweet and considerate when I bring up a problem but outside of that and saying I love you, he doesn't really show that he cares all that much. He's just the type of person where if it doesn't affect him then everything is fine and I feel like I mess up his flow if I say something that isn't positive.
    He hardly ever says he has a problem with our relationship in any way and thatís the biggest red flag to me because in his past relationship he let it go on for a whole year of not interacting with his ex before breaking up. Iím worried that this is exactly what heís doing. Just holding onto our relationship out of convenience because I make it easy for him. I feel like I owe him to at least stay until we meet since he forgave me for catfishing. But I just donít see myself having a happy life with him anymore and Iíve been looking for a way out of the relationship. I see myself happier being single and this relationship feels like a burden. Heís not a bad boyfriend at all. I just donít feel fulfilled.
    I just donít know what to do. Does anyone have any advice?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    How did you catfish? Who did you pretend to be?

  3. #3
    I didn't pretend to be anyone else I used my own photos. I told him I was a certain size and I wasn't.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    How far do you live from each other?

    Keep in contact if you want and meet in the fall but don't trick yourself into thinking this is a relationship before you spend considerable time in person. Don't keep chasing him.

    Focus on your own life and have hobbies outside of games and online contact with this person. Functional or healthy relationships don't involve partners for 5-6 hours of a day for 7 days a week unless you run a business together or have to work in the same space. It's dysfunctional to need each other that much.

    Take a big step back and look to other hobbies to fill your time. Spend time with friends and family and get out of the house even if it's for a walk around the block.

    Practice healthier ways to manage your mental health. Don't drown in this type of interaction or grow addicted to it. Find balance and engage in other activities.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Simply tell him it's not working out for you because long distance is too unfulfilling.

  7. #6
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    To start with you are not in a relationship.
    Therefore there is no need to feel obligated to stay.

    You have never spent time with him , just time playing the same game and watching the same movies at the same time. And all that with a random stranger whom you have never met???

    How can you possibly spend 6 hrs per day gaming???
    Do you have NO social life?

    No one spends that amount of time on any activity per day if they have a balanced life.
    What in your real life is lacking so bad that you resort to such isolation?!

    This covid thing and social distancing must have no impact on your life whatsoever.
    Yet itís a life that others are currently forced into and want to escape!?

    Whatís going on? Why have you spent a year in a fantasy relationship and even that fantasy doesnít live up to its expectations!?

    I think maybe you are being catfished?
    That might explain why he was so understanding at you coming clean?

  8. #7
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    Long distance is hard enough without all these issues and obstacles -some created by you - so I'd move on since for all practical purposes -for romantic purposes -you two have no connection other than being online buddies.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Try to let go of this. You are too attached to a fantasy. Why can't you date in real life?. Is it the same reason you were catfishing?
    Originally Posted by bloodyheart
    I didn't pretend to be anyone else I used my own photos. I told him I was a certain size and I wasn't.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    Holy cow you are not obligated to stay with anyone! Especially someone you have never met! I think you are way more into him than he is into you. This is not working and I doubt it ever will.

    Time to move on. Tell him it's not working for you and goodbye.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by melancholy123
    Holy cow you are not obligated to stay with anyone! Especially someone you have never met! I think you are way more into him than he is into you. This is not working and I doubt it ever will.

    Time to move on. Tell him it's not working for you and goodbye.
    As hard as this might be to hear, a romantic relationship requires meeting in person. What you have with him is really more friendship and a shared interest.

    I would probably let this guy go. He may very well, want to let go, too. And is doing the slow fade to avoid conflict.

    There's no need for a conflict. Back way off. Just let this fade, as it sounds like it will. If you want to be more forthcoming and up front, then go ahead and let him know.

    Maybe you guys can game on the one you do like and just be friends.

    Look for someone in real life. That you can play together and do things in person.

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