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Thread: What is going on with her, what do I do?

  1. #11
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2013
    Surrey BC, Canada
    I don't think she has the ability to get into a relationship. She sounds like she's all talk, which people do when they don't have a life and don't really do anything about it. So I don't think you have to worry about that. The only thing you may be able to do is to distract her from all this with light, positive conversation. Divert her from being negative. The reason the way she is, is that people with mental illness don't have a proper coping mechanism like normal healthy people do. She can't cope with the advise you give her, so she will quickly dismiss it. She vents negatively because that's how she copes with her emotions. It can't be turned off, but it can be maintained with therapy and medication...the problem is, she has to want to do it. It's fight or flight, and nothing in between when these kinds of conversations come up, so she may never get the help she needs. Kinda have to have a nervous breakdown and end up in the hospital to get help...sad but that's how it is sometimes. I know for sure you can't expect a person that doesn't think normal can be a good friend...they are so caught up with the mess in their head they don't have the capacity to do so. Like my mom who is bi-polar, can be very difficult, is a narcissist, has passive aggressive tendencies, and can be down right mean/opinionated. It's her mental health. Nothing I can do about it...she's taking medication, therapy, but still it's there.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2014
    Captain awkward has some good letter answers on friends like this.

    Some thoughts and suggestions

    How much would you like to maintain this friendship?

    If the answer is quite a lot, what topics do you enjoy talking with her about? Make a big list, keep it with you next chat so you have directions to take the conversation in.

    You know she doesnít want advice so exercise all your self control and donít give it unbidden. But also, it is totally ok for you to not want to be a listening vessel for all her problems. Set a time limit. Maybe 15 minutes (maybe less if that sounds too much). Let her know, either at the start of the conversation or before the conversation that you are trying a new thing where you donít let yourself get trapped in negative thought loops. Youíve been setting a time limit on venting about frustrations before moving onto other topics. Tell her she gets 15 minutes of advice free sympathetic ear and then itís time to change to subject.

    Captain awkward probably has better scripts for in stating that boundary than mine but itís a something. Tweak to taste

  3. #13
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2014
    Friendships should be equitable. I get that you are there for her but does she show any interest in you and your life? If she does you didn't mention it.
    Granted, there are times where one friend needs more attention than the other when times are are hard. But at the end of the day relationships are like bank accounts. You make withdrawals and deposits. At a point in time when you are balancing this checkbook I'll guess this relationship is severely overdrawn. Does she ever make a deposit?
    And if not the question here is what do you get out of this?
    You feel guilty, want to make something better you have no control of and you keep going back for more.
    It suggests a certain degree of codependency here. Part of codependency is doing things for someone that they can otherwise do for themselves.
    Surely if she wanted to she could get herself out of her own messes, get professional help, but she doesnt want to. . .
    Instead she stays stuck and drags you down and nothing changes.
    I'd severely distance myself from this lopsided toxic friendship.
    I would take my focus off of her and ask myself some serious questions why I continue to insert myself in something that is this unhealthy.

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