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Thread: I'm struggling to deal with my boyfriends gaming addiction in lockdown

  1. #1

    I'm struggling to deal with my boyfriends gaming addiction in lockdown

    Iíve been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years, heís my best friend and we have had a great relationship. On our third date he admitted he was a gamer and that he liked to do it in his spare time, Iíd never been with anyone that did video games so I didnít know anything about it.
    After 1 year of being together my parents decided to down-size their house and renovate it. My boyfriends parents offered for me to live with them until it was finished, which was very kind of them. We were both so excited to live together, I had my doubts as iíd only been staying round 2-3 nights a week previously so weíd never lived together before, let alone living with a family Iíd only known for a small amount of time and was still getting to know. I did it anyway because, well, I didnít have much choice and I thought it would be a good test before getting a place of our own.
    Weíve had our hiccups along the way, as you would in this type of situation, gaming had never been a big issue. Iíd have something to say when it came to his days off, Iíd ask him what heíd done and his reply was playstation, and noticed how he watched youtube videos of gamers at night before we went to sleep etc. but I never saw the extent to how much he played.

    Then Coronavirus happenedÖ We were now both not able to work, living in his family home, with his parents and younger sister (who was back from uni), coping with these new circumstances and restrictions of this pandemic, stressful! I noticed more and more how much my boyfriend was gaming. We share one room together and when he goes on the playstation it interrupted the room space as he would need the TV and be shouting with his friends on the game. I would try and put my headphones on and watch Netflix on my laptop but I would still hear him (he has a loud voice!) or try and busy myself else where, but he would be on for 2 or 3 hours at a time. I even downloaded a game for my laptop to play for myself. This was happening every day. When he wasnít on the playstation he played games on his phone and his laptop, resulting in majority of the day.
    I was becoming more and more resentful towards the gaming, I know we didnít have much to do in this time at home but he would spend so much time on it and prioritise it over doing other things. I would react to his gaming, especially when he would prioritise it over doing something with me or his family i.e going for a walk with us. We would do nothing but argue about it, I would say that I donít feel like you arenít prioritising me and youíre playing too much and he would say that he wasnít on it as much compared to other people and that it was my assumption what he was prioritising. I would question myself all the time, maybe I was being too needy or selfish. Why did I have such a problem? I also felt embarrassed because I knew his family could hear the arguing, they wouldnít say anything but it would make me feel awkward. This repeated patten went on for weeks, almost 2 months to be exact.
    We tried to put in strategies and had loads of talks but realistically nothing was helping. In the end, I decided this wasnít healthy and that I wasnít going to accept this anymore. He had a massive realisation and had a breakdown and decided to get professional help.
    I felt complete relief but also respect for him for making this huge step. I wasnít going crazy, I said I would support him getting help and try to move forward.

    Itís been 4-5 weeks down the line from him getting help, weíre still in lockdown, there have been some improvements. I have seen differences with him controlling the gaming, he gives himself a time limit and goes days without going on playstation or his laptop. On a whole itís been better although there have still been times where I have found it difficult in trusting him. I have mentioned a handful of times when Iím feeling this way, that I am really trying but also need to voice my struggles. I want to trust him but there are times I still feel anxious and hurt by arguments we have. Heís even said I might need professional help too, because perhaps there have been events in my past (that I have gotten counselling for) is making an impact on why Iím struggling so much, I wasnít sure on this idea but I spoke to his therapist, the therapist said starting any sort of counselling is a big decision and that it had to be 100% my decision not anybody elseís, that usually when someone wants you to go to therapy is because of a personal gain. My boyfriend admitted that this could of been true and has apologised, said it was because he didnít want to be alone and feel like he is taking all the blame. I understood but it has still hurt me.

    Today he chose to play with his friends on the playstation instead of going for a walk with me, after weíd made arrangements. He said I was making assumptions again, that I was not trusting him or trying. Am I going crazy? I feel absolutely drained from this journey and although we are moving forward the problem still hurts me. Iíve left his house to stay at my parents and I just donít know what to do, I love him to bits and we are currently buying a house together!!! Some advice and help would be appreciated.
    Last edited by Mysterygirl24; 06-10-2020 at 03:23 PM.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    When you are just dating and you already need to seek therapy to force the relationship to work, that is your giant clue that you and him are not compatible. You solve that not with therapy and pounding a square peg into a round hole, but by parting ways.

    Whatever you do, please do not buy a house together - worst mistake you'll ever make. Only person you should ever buy a house with is your husband. Never mingle funds and assets outside of that. Especially when your relationship is dysfunctional to this extent.

    2-3 hours per day on a hobby is not that much time. So not really sure why you have such raging resentment. Also, why does he need to go walking with you? Can't you do that solo or with others? Do you two have any interests in common that you actually share? You aren't a gamer, he isn't a walker.....so....what else? What's keeping you together exactly?

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Good you moved back home to your own family. Stop trying to fix and change him. What you see is what you get.
    Originally Posted by Mysterygirl24
    my parents decided to down-size their house and renovate it. My boyfriends parents offered for me to live with them until it was finished

    I also felt embarrassed because I knew his family could hear the arguing, they wouldnít say anything but it would make me feel awkward.

    Iíve left his house to stay at my parents and I just donít know what to do.

  4. #4
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    Don't buy a house together! This is the advice.

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  6. #5
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    I would strongly discourage you from buying a house together.

    Your relationship already is at the point where you two are requiring professional intervention to function. That's not a good sign when you haven't even dated 2 years yet, OP. There are some significant incompatibilities between you two that need a lot more time than just 4 or 5 weeks to resolve - if they even can be resolved. At this time, your relationship is not healthy or stable enough to add a huge commitment to it.

    I think you were wise to go back to your parents' for a while. You really need to re-evaluate whether this is the right guy for you. You two have vastly different views that extend beyond just his devotion to games.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member LaHermes's Avatar
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    Fully agree with DF and Wiseman. Do not, under any circumstances, buy a house with this person.

    You will always take second place. The addiction, the gaming, is his lover.


    Gaming addiction, like any other addiction, can be influenced by another underlying problem, such as anxiety, depression or PTSD. Known as dual diagnosis, this can be an important factor when treating a person for gaming addiction.

    If the underlying issue is not treated along with the gaming disorder, the person may relapse with the gaming addiction again or develop another addiction later. For this reason, proper diagnosis, a medical assessment and appropriate treatment is necessary by professionals.

    What does he mean by this, I ask: "...and feel like he is taking all the blame. "

    Absolutely no one else is to blame for his addiction but himself, and most certainly not you.

    And to say: "..gaming had never been a big issue. "


    It was, and is, the big issue. You know the decision you must take here.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    How are both of you buying a house with no work? Did you go back to work?

    You are now out of that place. Do not go back there. I think the problem has been long-standing and the fact that his parents turn a blind eye means that the gaming has gone on for years, possibly since childhood, and it was never controlled or he wasn't given enough guidance or correct attention as a child. Sounds noble of them to pretend your arguments aren't happening but this is a parenting issue, if you ask me. Were his parents also helping out with a down payment? Are you footing most of it or your parents?

    Both of you need more time to mature. Don't enter into any agreements with this person. Every annoyance, every time you want to pull your hair out, every feeling of frustration, turmoil and anger you feel will be multiplied tens of thousands of times buying a house together or marrying this person. Make sure you pick your battles and the annoyances you can actually put up with. If you're feeling this end of your rope right now, it's a dead end for you on the other side. Don't live together again.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    Wait did you for real guilt him into getting therapy over playing for 2 - 3 hours a day amidst a lockdown? Why is it that you two should have to go on a walk when it happens to work out he can play with his friends? You two were evidently right on top of each other all day every day. There's no reason you can't very easily work in your activities in the 12 - 14 other waking hours of the day. It shouldn't be some ****-test where he's gotta make a note to go on a walk with you at some arbitrarily selected hour.

    There's something to be said for keeping true to arrangements. However, the sidewalk isn't going anywhere. If something came up where it worked out my wife could do something with her friends for a couple hours and we had complete freedom and ease to do what whatever it was any other time of the day, I couldn't ever dream of putting my foot down because that walk needs to happen at 1:00pm. Albeit the concept of scheduling a walk when you're on top of each other all day with no real responsibilities to speak of is pretty strange to me.

    Not really seeing the link to an addiction here. Honestly, I'm seeing someone who gave up having a room of his own so that his girlfriend didn't have to suffer the discomforts of a renovation, only for her to raise constant arguments, going as far as to yell loudly enough the house hears it, simply for his audacity to dedicate a fraction of his day into his leisure activity of choice during what's for most people a pretty melancholy period. And this guy suffered it for two whole months? I could only dream of having that much patience.

  10. #9
    Just to make things clear... I did NOT force my boyfriend to have therapy. I helped him understand that he may have an unhealthy problem. It was his decision to get professional help, which he is and discovering tremendous amounts of help and self development. I support that.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    I agree with others, never buy a house together otherwise you're toast.

    You need to exit this relationship with your boyfriend. He's still a boy and never grew up. Any addiction whether it's cell phones, Internet, gaming, drinking, drugs is abnormal and it's always damaging to personal relationships. You will always be less than second priority.

    Ditch the loser. You deserve better!

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