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I'm struggling to deal with my boyfriends gaming addiction in lockdown


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I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years, he’s my best friend and we have had a great relationship. On our third date he admitted he was a gamer and that he liked to do it in his spare time, I’d never been with anyone that did video games so I didn’t know anything about it.

After 1 year of being together my parents decided to down-size their house and renovate it. My boyfriends parents offered for me to live with them until it was finished, which was very kind of them. We were both so excited to live together, I had my doubts as i’d only been staying round 2-3 nights a week previously so we’d never lived together before, let alone living with a family I’d only known for a small amount of time and was still getting to know. I did it anyway because, well, I didn’t have much choice and I thought it would be a good test before getting a place of our own.

We’ve had our hiccups along the way, as you would in this type of situation, gaming had never been a big issue. I’d have something to say when it came to his days off, I’d ask him what he’d done and his reply was playstation, and noticed how he watched youtube videos of gamers at night before we went to sleep etc. but I never saw the extent to how much he played.

 

Then Coronavirus happened… We were now both not able to work, living in his family home, with his parents and younger sister (who was back from uni), coping with these new circumstances and restrictions of this pandemic, stressful! I noticed more and more how much my boyfriend was gaming. We share one room together and when he goes on the playstation it interrupted the room space as he would need the TV and be shouting with his friends on the game. I would try and put my headphones on and watch Netflix on my laptop but I would still hear him (he has a loud voice!) or try and busy myself else where, but he would be on for 2 or 3 hours at a time. I even downloaded a game for my laptop to play for myself. This was happening every day. When he wasn’t on the playstation he played games on his phone and his laptop, resulting in majority of the day.

I was becoming more and more resentful towards the gaming, I know we didn’t have much to do in this time at home but he would spend so much time on it and prioritise it over doing other things. I would react to his gaming, especially when he would prioritise it over doing something with me or his family i.e going for a walk with us. We would do nothing but argue about it, I would say that I don’t feel like you aren’t prioritising me and you’re playing too much and he would say that he wasn’t on it as much compared to other people and that it was my assumption what he was prioritising. I would question myself all the time, maybe I was being too needy or selfish. Why did I have such a problem? I also felt embarrassed because I knew his family could hear the arguing, they wouldn’t say anything but it would make me feel awkward. This repeated patten went on for weeks, almost 2 months to be exact.

We tried to put in strategies and had loads of talks but realistically nothing was helping. In the end, I decided this wasn’t healthy and that I wasn’t going to accept this anymore. He had a massive realisation and had a breakdown and decided to get professional help.

I felt complete relief but also respect for him for making this huge step. I wasn’t going crazy, I said I would support him getting help and try to move forward.

 

It’s been 4-5 weeks down the line from him getting help, we’re still in lockdown, there have been some improvements. I have seen differences with him controlling the gaming, he gives himself a time limit and goes days without going on playstation or his laptop. On a whole it’s been better although there have still been times where I have found it difficult in trusting him. I have mentioned a handful of times when I’m feeling this way, that I am really trying but also need to voice my struggles. I want to trust him but there are times I still feel anxious and hurt by arguments we have. He’s even said I might need professional help too, because perhaps there have been events in my past (that I have gotten counselling for) is making an impact on why I’m struggling so much, I wasn’t sure on this idea but I spoke to his therapist, the therapist said starting any sort of counselling is a big decision and that it had to be 100% my decision not anybody else’s, that usually when someone wants you to go to therapy is because of a personal gain. My boyfriend admitted that this could of been true and has apologised, said it was because he didn’t want to be alone and feel like he is taking all the blame. I understood but it has still hurt me.

 

Today he chose to play with his friends on the playstation instead of going for a walk with me, after we’d made arrangements. He said I was making assumptions again, that I was not trusting him or trying. Am I going crazy? I feel absolutely drained from this journey and although we are moving forward the problem still hurts me. I’ve left his house to stay at my parents and I just don’t know what to do, I love him to bits and we are currently buying a house together!!! Some advice and help would be appreciated.

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When you are just dating and you already need to seek therapy to force the relationship to work, that is your giant clue that you and him are not compatible. You solve that not with therapy and pounding a square peg into a round hole, but by parting ways.

 

Whatever you do, please do not buy a house together - worst mistake you'll ever make. Only person you should ever buy a house with is your husband. Never mingle funds and assets outside of that. Especially when your relationship is dysfunctional to this extent.

 

2-3 hours per day on a hobby is not that much time. So not really sure why you have such raging resentment. Also, why does he need to go walking with you? Can't you do that solo or with others? Do you two have any interests in common that you actually share? You aren't a gamer, he isn't a walker.....so....what else? What's keeping you together exactly?

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Good you moved back home to your own family. Stop trying to fix and change him. What you see is what you get.

my parents decided to down-size their house and renovate it. My boyfriends parents offered for me to live with them until it was finished

 

I also felt embarrassed because I knew his family could hear the arguing, they wouldn’t say anything but it would make me feel awkward.

 

I’ve left his house to stay at my parents and I just don’t know what to do.

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I would strongly discourage you from buying a house together.

 

Your relationship already is at the point where you two are requiring professional intervention to function. That's not a good sign when you haven't even dated 2 years yet, OP. There are some significant incompatibilities between you two that need a lot more time than just 4 or 5 weeks to resolve - if they even can be resolved. At this time, your relationship is not healthy or stable enough to add a huge commitment to it.

 

I think you were wise to go back to your parents' for a while. You really need to re-evaluate whether this is the right guy for you. You two have vastly different views that extend beyond just his devotion to games.

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Fully agree with DF and Wiseman. Do not, under any circumstances, buy a house with this person.

 

You will always take second place. The addiction, the gaming, is his lover.

 

 

Gaming addiction, like any other addiction, can be influenced by another underlying problem, such as anxiety, depression or PTSD. Known as dual diagnosis, this can be an important factor when treating a person for gaming addiction.

 

If the underlying issue is not treated along with the gaming disorder, the person may relapse with the gaming addiction again or develop another addiction later. For this reason, proper diagnosis, a medical assessment and appropriate treatment is necessary by professionals.

 

What does he mean by this, I ask: "...and feel like he is taking all the blame. "

 

Absolutely no one else is to blame for his addiction but himself, and most certainly not you.

 

And to say: "..gaming had never been a big issue. "

 

It was, and is, the big issue. You know the decision you must take here.

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How are both of you buying a house with no work? Did you go back to work?

 

You are now out of that place. Do not go back there. I think the problem has been long-standing and the fact that his parents turn a blind eye means that the gaming has gone on for years, possibly since childhood, and it was never controlled or he wasn't given enough guidance or correct attention as a child. Sounds noble of them to pretend your arguments aren't happening but this is a parenting issue, if you ask me. Were his parents also helping out with a down payment? Are you footing most of it or your parents?

 

Both of you need more time to mature. Don't enter into any agreements with this person. Every annoyance, every time you want to pull your hair out, every feeling of frustration, turmoil and anger you feel will be multiplied tens of thousands of times buying a house together or marrying this person. Make sure you pick your battles and the annoyances you can actually put up with. If you're feeling this end of your rope right now, it's a dead end for you on the other side. Don't live together again.

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Wait did you for real guilt him into getting therapy over playing for 2 - 3 hours a day amidst a lockdown? Why is it that you two should have to go on a walk when it happens to work out he can play with his friends? You two were evidently right on top of each other all day every day. There's no reason you can't very easily work in your activities in the 12 - 14 other waking hours of the day. It shouldn't be some ****-test where he's gotta make a note to go on a walk with you at some arbitrarily selected hour.

 

There's something to be said for keeping true to arrangements. However, the sidewalk isn't going anywhere. If something came up where it worked out my wife could do something with her friends for a couple hours and we had complete freedom and ease to do what whatever it was any other time of the day, I couldn't ever dream of putting my foot down because that walk needs to happen at 1:00pm. Albeit the concept of scheduling a walk when you're on top of each other all day with no real responsibilities to speak of is pretty strange to me.

 

Not really seeing the link to an addiction here. Honestly, I'm seeing someone who gave up having a room of his own so that his girlfriend didn't have to suffer the discomforts of a renovation, only for her to raise constant arguments, going as far as to yell loudly enough the house hears it, simply for his audacity to dedicate a fraction of his day into his leisure activity of choice during what's for most people a pretty melancholy period. And this guy suffered it for two whole months? I could only dream of having that much patience.

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Just to make things clear... I did NOT force my boyfriend to have therapy. I helped him understand that he may have an unhealthy problem. It was his decision to get professional help, which he is and discovering tremendous amounts of help and self development. I support that.

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I agree with others, never buy a house together otherwise you're toast.

 

You need to exit this relationship with your boyfriend. He's still a boy and never grew up. Any addiction whether it's cell phones, Internet, gaming, drinking, drugs is abnormal and it's always damaging to personal relationships. You will always be less than second priority.

 

Ditch the loser. You deserve better!

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My Son & his Wife are both gamers. Its what they do, to the point of having 2 tvs in their bedroom so they can play different games together lol

 

I dont game, never have, and I dont see the attraction, but I watch crappy tv & crochet, so we all have our weird "me time" things.

 

So, I honestly think you two arent compatible. He isnt giving up gaming, and you arent a gamer, so it will be very difficult to both meet in the middle over this issue. You need to find someone you have a common interest with.

No point going through life miserable, and trying to change the other person

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Gaming was never an issue until lockdown.

I’m sensing the issue is yours and not his.

 

It sounds like you would be ok with it as long as it didn’t disturb your Netflix viewing.

 

During lockdown if he sleeps 10hrs per day and awake for 14hrs per day , what is wrong with 3hrs gaming?

What is he doing the other 11hrs? And what are you doing?

 

I’m guessing you aren’t going for 10hr walks?

 

Are you perhaps arranging walks when his friends are online gaming and therefore interrupting the bit of social interaction he can have with others during lockdown?

 

How much gaming time is acceptable to you?

One hour per day?

Would you be happy to reduce Netflix time to one hr per day? So not even time to watch a movie in its entirety?

 

Have you tried to compromise? Or it’s just on him to suit you?

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Just to make things clear... I did NOT force my boyfriend to have therapy. I helped him understand that he may have an unhealthy problem. It was his decision to get professional help, which he is and discovering tremendous amounts of help and self development. I support that.
No, you just took advantage of his hospitality and sacrifice of any personal space to nag him and raise very vocal arguments for two months over what is a very minor habit, especially given the global circumstances.
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Just to make things clear... I did NOT force my boyfriend to have therapy. I helped him understand that he may have an unhealthy problem. It was his decision to get professional help, which he is and discovering tremendous amounts of help and self development. I support that.

 

I think the space is too small to begin with and the both of you need to mature a little more before you live together. It's too soon and you've only dated for two years. His yelling is inconsiderate. It just shows he has no sense of space or time. I can understand a one or two time thing but causing disruptions in a quiet space and yelling is ridiculous especially in a shared and confined area.

 

Right now you're at your parents' place. Are your parents asking about the both of you or pressuring you to leave their house? I don't see what is the big hurry to start your lives together.

 

You saw something that wasn't quite working for you and you both separated after much arguing.

 

Time out and have a good, hard think about whether this person is right for you.

 

I do not think you are being unreasonable. Both of you are on separate wavelengths.

 

Go to therapy if you feel it will help you also but for goodness sake, don't go if you feel the problem is him and his addiction to video games. There are other ways to occupy a person's time. If that annoys you, don't spend a lot of time with this person. The relationship may not survive but stay respectful of each other and respect YOURSELF.

 

Find your own place and live independently away from a partner or your family. You may be wanting to experience your independence but are doing it in all the wrong ways.

 

Have you considered buying your own home or renting and living on your own?

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Decide whether too-much-too-soon 'must' equal somebody's fault.

 

This needn't become an issue of who is wrong. Blaming is a waste of the exercise. Cramming two adults into a single room for the duration of a pandemic lockdown made no sense and didn't work out.

 

So decide whether this is a dealbreaker or a situation that can be approached in more healthy ways, such as giving one another the space to do stuff on your own. Figure out what activities can inspire you to pursue for yourself.

 

Make dates with BF and allow him to reciprocate by making dates with you. If he flakes on those dates, let that tell you what it should tell you about whether he's the right match for you.

 

Nobody feels fabulous during this pandemic. We're all stressed and frightened to varying degrees, and it's not the time to gaslight yourself into believing that you're essentially damaged for having some bad days.

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When he wasn’t on the playstation he played games on his phone and his laptop, resulting in majority of the day.

 

I dated a guy who didn't game much at all. We move in together. He starts playing World of Warcraft which turned into all night, and on days off from work, even when we were in a tropical paradise, to having me rush home from couple events, so he could play.

 

How I truly found relationship happiness is with someone else! Each day he has a chance to make it right. Each day, he chooses a game over you. I tried begging, demanding, compromising...nothing made him stop. So don't for one second blame yourself. Plenty of AWESOME, BETTER, ATTENTIVE DUDES out there for you! Don't settle. Stop settling.

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Let gaming be your guy's girlfriend. Since he's obsessed with gaming, part ways and be with a man who knows how to treat you right. Be with a man who is reasonable and isn't fixated on very time consuming addictions.

 

My husband and I have our own set of various hobbies, exercise routines and interests. He enjoys visiting automobile shows, exhibits and museums. After a few years of that, I'm no longer willing to tag along so he attends alone while I exercise or sew quilts for babies and friends after dinner. He enjoys doing yard work. I do not so he pushes a lawnmower and tends to the roses while I enjoy cooking. We enjoy the lake, boating, picnics, walks around our local golf course, game nights (board / card games), turn the phones OFF and home improvement type activities. I enjoy reading books (not e-books). He enjoys crossword puzzles. We have balanced and fair schedules and timelines in our lives. We never infringe upon each others time.

 

I've noticed that people who are abnormally attached to the Internet, their cell phones 24 / 7, gaming, eat excessively, drink too much alcohol, drugs, watch too much TV, care more for their pets than people, tend to sacrifice their human and personal relationships. They have difficulty empathizing and relating to others or they simply refuse to to do because they're so selfish, self centered and self serving. I've known geniuses in the classroom, at the workplace and talented types yet they're inept with their interpersonal skills, experts at gaslighting, tricky, sneaky, manipulative, incredibly deceptive and devoid of emotional intelligence (EQ).

 

Become a good read of people. Educate yourself in human psychology. Avoid those who are "off." It's okay to become very picky and choosy because it will save you a lot of grief later. Always listen to the intelligent voice inside you because it's always right on the mark. Always heed your gut intuition. Never go against your better judgment. Only select high quality, very classy, decent, honorable deserving people in your life.

 

The rest of them? Let them be with their own kind. Birds of a feather flock together.

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I absolutely agree with you Cherlyn:

 

"I've noticed that people who are abnormally attached to the Internet, their cell phones 24 / 7, gaming, eat excessively, drink too much alcohol, drugs, watch too much TV, care more for their pets than people, tend to sacrifice their human and personal relationships. They have difficulty empathizing and relating to others or they simply refuse to to do because they're so selfish, self centered and self serving. I've known geniuses in the classroom, at the workplace and talented types yet they're inept with their interpersonal skills, experts at gaslighting, tricky, sneaky, manipulative, incredibly deceptive and devoid of emotional intelligence (EQ)."

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