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Thread: what do we do

  1. #1
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    what do we do

    hi decided to start a new thread, hope that's OK? Basically it has now been over a year and we still go for daily runs etc . Even occasional sleep overs (share a bed but nothing like that). We were together 20 years, ex girlfriend and I are in a wierd place, she said yesterday that she wishes we could go back in time and was crying. Having said that she does occasionally blow hot and cold, but if I say I'm going out always asks where I'm going etc.
    I do, do alot of the chasing and know i shouldn't its just so hard not too. Yes she is like a drug and feel good when I have seen her (16 Yr old daughter lives with me and 21 yr old with mum).
    We both keep calling it a mess so why does she not just say lets try again? Or should I say this? I just don't know. All I know is it hurts.
    Many thanks for any advice

  2. #2
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    Forgot to say js an ultimatum a good idea? Could that push her away as classed as pressure. I've surfed all the relationship videos but now want advice from people who have maybe been in the same situation as me.
    Thanks agajn

  3. #3
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    There is no motivation to reconcile if she has easy access to you at a reduced capicity.
    she might have more respect for you if you said you refused to be an option to her and moved on.
    Enough is enough.

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    Should I not just make myself not so available? If that makes sense.
    Thanks for replying so quick

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    It depends on why she left? Was it the heavy drinking? Were there too many arguments? Was the 'like brother-sister' doldrums a factor? Hard to reignite any passion when the co-parenting is almost like still being one family, with sleep overs, etc. Unfortunately it seems like a continuum of a passionless relationship but with good family instincts.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Can only repeat what I said in your previous thread - you can only reconcile if you are BOTH willing to work at it. That means that you have to stop living in limbo, stop tip toeing around this and ask her flat out what she wants. If the answer is no, she doesn't want to get back with you for real, then you HAVE to cut her off for good and start healing and moving on with YOUR life.

    Hope is like farts in the wind - it gets you nowhere concrete. Stop hoping and take some action - meaning ask and then act accordingly. I know it's hard and scary....but you are ARE living in hell right now as we speak - stuck in nowhere land.

    What you are really doing with all this availability is making it very easy for her to dump you, the life you've built, your marriage, but STILL have you and use the parts of you that are convenient. Basically, while you are stuck hoping, she is happy to use you to get over you. How comfortable for her to have her cake and eat it too. Stop it. Either she is all in or she needs to be all out so you can move on and have a life and a future. Right now, you have nothing but misery.

  8. #7
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    She left because we were like brother and sister we both liked a drink but we both stopped later on.
    Just so bloody painful

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I can't figure out why she left in the first place after 20 years with no good reason. Did she tell you and you're not willing to accept that? Are you in denial? All questions to ponder.

    She's not interested in being with you at all.

    Quit the daily runs together and continued updates. It's not healthy and yes, it does limit you and suffocate your ability to grow and go forwards in life. I think it's strange that a grown woman who leaves of her own accord, dumps the house and everything else on her long term partner starts meeting new people and likes to check in on her partner whose heart she broke for casual morning runs. If that doesn't scream voyeuristic and narcissistic, I don't know what does.

    For you, why do you look up to her so much? This person left you in the gutter, split up the family (the siblings don't even live together) and insists that the both of you be friends? Or is it you who wants to be friends?

    It's hard because you've made it harder than it should be. This person doesn't want to be with you. It's time to face reality and stop painting a different picture than what it really is. She's gone, kaput, no more. She's the mother of your kids and someone to respect and co-parent with. Be an amazing dad, care for your daughters. Nothing more to this person.

  10. #9
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    because I love her. I wish i didn't

  11. #10
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Darcus30
    because I love her. I wish i didn't
    -said almost everyone that is left behind.

    But we pick ourselves up, put one foot in front of the other in an attempt to move forward and learn to be open to something more fulfilling.
    That won't happen as long as you stay stuck.
    It's a choice.

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