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Thread: what do we do

  1. #41
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by LaHermes

    Psychological resilience is the ability to mentally or emotionally cope with a crisis or to return to pre-crisis status quickly. Resilience exists when the person uses "mental processes and behaviors in promoting personal assets and protecting self from the potential negative effects of stressors".
    Most importantly, resilience is a choice. It isn't some arbitrary trait that we either have, or we don't. It's a life skill that can be pursued and developed, or not.

    You can tell by the way someone speaks whether they are on a healing road or a defeatist road. The defeatist comes from a place of resentment, stagnation and a reluctance to own their own path. While the healing person may suffer and grieve just as deeply, they hold a focus on moving themselves forward to create better days and climb to higher ground.

    A defeatist belief that suffering entitles us to the kind of sympathy from others that might somehow heal us is a faulty embrace of stagnation. And it's not even accurate.

    I'd make it my private goal to surprise everyone, including myself, with my resilience and ability to bounce back from this to create a fabulous future for myself and my kids. Whether ex ever grows to respect you for that rather than continuing to manipulate you for her own comforts can become irrelevant.

    That would be a win/win for all involved. It would buy you respect from others based on SELF respect, and that's a pride that can only be experienced rather than imagined.

  2. #42
    Platinum Member LaHermes's Avatar
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    Absolutely Cat.

    This from an excellent article by Suzanne Kane titled "Eleven ways to cultivate resilience

    "Cultivating resilience in the face of all life’s challenges is a proactive way of dealing with the unexpected, the upsets and disappointments, the pitfalls and successes in life, including how to cope with trauma, chronic pain, adversity and tragedy."

    One important point in the article:

    "Avoid personalizing. There’s no point in engaging in blame or endlessly thinking about your situation. Besides being counter-productive, it makes you feel worse. Make use of some of the healthy coping measures you’ve successfully used before and stop ruminating about what happened to you."

    Certainly there are people who due to temperament, upbringing and other factors are more resilient than others to begin with. But it is a goal to be worked towards.

  3. #43
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    thank you all makes alot of sense. We spoke today actually and she said she always wants me in her life and can never imagine me not being. So if she is seeing someone else (90% sure) firstly we split over a year ago and still have good contact, can we be best friends?
    2nd how do I know if its a rebound?
    3rd surely he won't want her spending time with me? Take fathers day she invited me to hers for Sunday dinner with our girls, lovely day had some drinks and some laughs - this makes me think we have a chance or should I just walk away.(20 years and 2 kids seems alot to leave behind
    Best way forward pls my dear friends

  4. #44
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    It sounds like she thinks your a good father and friend. But she left because of the asexual, nonromantic brother-sister, roommates, thing. It sounds like congenial co-parenting but she wants sex and her drinks, not what you had.
    Originally Posted by Darcus30
    she said she always wants me in her life and can never imagine me not being. she invited me to hers for Sunday dinner with our girls, lovely day had some drinks and some laughs

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  6. #45
    Platinum Member LaHermes's Avatar
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    OP.

    The best way forward? You have been advised the best way forward in a myriad of posts and you yourself say we all make a lot of sense. So?

    You are reading too much into Having a nice meal and drinks on father's day. So just having meal and a few drinks gave you the impression you "have a chance".

    "..this makes me think we have a chance or should I just walk away.(20 years and 2 kids seems a lot to leave behind"

    Who said you are leaving two (adult) children behind?

    What you are leaving behind (we hope!) is this brother-sister relationship.

    Why are you second-guessing this man? what he wants or doesn't want is between them.

    "surely he won't want her spending time with me?"

    Any conversations with her should focus solely and exclusively on your daughters and any co-parenting arrangements, nothing else. Certainly not drift from what should be practicalities into unrealistic sentimentality of this variety:

    "she said she always wants me in her life and can never imagine me not being. "



    Clutching at straws is an exercise in futility OP. Instead start swimming strongly into the positive waters ahead.

  7. #46
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by LaHermes
    OP.

    The best way forward? You have been advised the best way forward in a myriad of posts and you yourself say we all make a lot of sense. So?

    You are reading too much into Having a nice meal and drinks on father's day. So just having meal and a few drinks gave you the impression you "have a chance".

    "..this makes me think we have a chance or should I just walk away.(20 years and 2 kids seems a lot to leave behind"

    Who said you are leaving two (adult) children behind?

    What you are leaving behind (we hope!) is this brother-sister relationship.

    Why are you second-guessing this man? what he wants or doesn't want is between them.

    "surely he won't want her spending time with me?"

    Any conversations with her should focus solely and exclusively on your daughters and any co-parenting arrangements, nothing else. Certainly not drift from what should be practicalities into unrealistic sentimentality of this variety:

    "she said she always wants me in her life and can never imagine me not being. "



    Clutching at straws is an exercise in futility OP. Instead start swimming strongly into the positive waters ahead.
    It's time to take several deep breaths and look to your future. Your children are grown, you have this new chapter to write. It is not going to write itself. Be thankful for all that has brought you to this point. Go Become that great catch for someone new. Pour all your love into yourself and all your little quirks that make you, you. Once you love yourself, you'll be ready to love someone else.

  8. #47
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    You don't want to be "best friends".

    Would you be totally fine having dinner with her and a new husband or boyfriend? You would feel no hurt at all?

    If you would be hurt, you don't want to be "friends".

    Also, in the next breath you mention having a chance with her. Again, you don't want to be "friends".

  9. #48
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    I guess I'm just going around in circles really I know, I don't want to waste anymore of your time. I just cant bring myself to break contact!! Thanks for all your help

  10. #49
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    back again, have taken a step back and not so available anymore! Thing is when I do see her she is really cold, almost like a different person. Why is this?

  11. #50
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Darcus30
    back again, have taken a step back and not so available anymore! Thing is when I do see her she is really cold, almost like a different person. Why is this?
    Because your relationship is over. But that's been covered.
    Instead of focusing on her behavior you would be better served figuring out why you are so resistant to moving on.
    This can't feel good.

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