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Thread: How to build trust again

  1. #21
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by score123
    if I propose smth to do outside and he agrees, is there any chance he was just testing the waters before and he may be a good guy, is there any possibility, or he will just fake like he like to go out? Thats the point I do not trust that much peoole, if he says ok to a date outside I will think oh he is just saying that but what he really wants was what he proposed at beginnung. Btw he isnt charming and Im not fond of supermodel guys, I may say he was smart and good talkative but not handsome.
    I'd take a little break, along the lines of what Rose suggested.

    This level of lack of trust just makes dating very, very hard. And draining. Speaking only for myself, I know that when I was dating—and I did a lot of it, have done a lot of it 40 years—I really struggled to connect when I got the sense that a woman was sizing me up, wondering if I was just "another guy" who was "like all the others," in that I was only "interested in one thing." Being put in the position, right off the bat, of proving that wasn't the case, that I was "good" or "decent"? Well, it's just an awful feeling.

    As dias said, it's all a risk. You have to trust yourself to be able to assess it, navigate it, recover when it's disappointing or doesn't feel right, since that's mainly what dating is. Also really helps to believe, in your core, that you are worth a whole lot more than just sex. Guys who can't see you in that light? All good. Just means they're lame and limited and not for you. But you can't discover all that without being open to participating.

  2. #22
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    Originally Posted by score123
    if I propose smth to do outside and he agrees, is there any chance he was just testing the waters before and he may be a good guy, is there any possibility, or he will just fake like he like to go out? Thats the point I do not trust that much peoole, if he says ok to a date outside I will think oh he is just saying that but what he really wants was what he proposed at beginnung. Btw he isnt charming and Im not fond of supermodel guys, I may say he was smart and good talkative but not handsome.
    Charmers and players do not have to be hot. My ex wasn’t good looking and he was one of the most charming people I have ever met. Charmers get too close and comfortable too fast.

  3. #23
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    Originally Posted by score123
    Ah, nobody wants us. What a curse.


    Hahah didn't mean to offend, but people in here without me saying anything about the appearance of guy assumed he was charming and I got attracted to him just because of that.
    Many women are drawn into guys like that, until they recognize they aren’t partner material.

  4. #24
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Is this the same guy who wants you to pay for second dates? Yes eventually dating is for romance not friends. You control the pace, so why ponder this? Just don't go to guy's homes too soon, it's that simple.
    You seem to be asking for a future forecast about motives, interest, character, etc but you will just have to wait and see. One date and you want a roadmap for the future based on signs and guessing, not facts
    He is the same guy and he insisted again on that home date tody, so I am calling him off. It looks very inappropriate for me.

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  6. #25
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Not sure why you are talking about trust when referring to a stranger you've only met once. You don't know this person. Trust is something people earn over time through consistent actions, it's not something you just grant to a stranger just because you had a one good date.

    OP, most reasonably social people can be a fun first meet/date. It means nothing. You've got to cool your jets about getting over excited and jumping in too deep too fast because all you are doing is setting yourself up for a disappointment. In general, no person is ever perfect. A concept that needs to leave your mind for good. Nobody is perfect and nobody can live up to perfection.

    Dating, especially if you are meeting people through OLD is like a dirty job - lots of all kinds of weirdos that will never be your match. Again, they might be nice on first meet, but....you have to wait awhile to see who they really are and what their motivations are. Some ruthlessness in weeding out garbage is actually good and not something you need to fix or stop doing necessarily.

    My rule when dating is pretty straightforward - if I like the guy and he suggests doing something I'm not interested or comfortable with, I'll simply counter with something else to do and then watch to see how he responds. If he resists, counters, ignores and pushes forward with his own agenda, he is gone. I don't feel bad about it, I don't feel upset, it's not about trust, it's about judging compatibility. The quality that I'm looking for is a man who pays attention and respects my pace/choices. If he doesn't bring that to the table, NEXT. One good date, even five good dates mean nothing. Every date, every time is you looking to get to know them and see, observe how they are, who they are, how they treat you and others, and so on. At it's core it's all about you judging compatibility, but it's a process. If you can weed out some bad characters quickly - good, saves you time and effort. Always be grateful when someone shows you their negative side early on because they make it very easy for you to walk away.

  7. #26
    Platinum Member LaHermes's Avatar
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    Score.

    A saying: "Your energy introduces you before you even speak."

    I feel it is more a case that you have very little confidence in yourself, little trust in yourself. You may recall you brought up this issue last year.

    I agree with other posters who advise taking some time away from dating.

  8. #27
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    Originally Posted by DancingFool
    My rule when dating is pretty straightforward - if I like the guy and he suggests doing something I'm not interested or comfortable with, I'll simply counter with something else to do and then watch to see how he responds. If he resists, counters, ignores and pushes forward with his own agenda, he is gone. I don't feel bad about it, I don't feel upset, it's not about trust, it's about judging compatibility. The quality that I'm looking for is a man who pays attention and respects my pace/choices. If he doesn't bring that to the table, NEXT. One good date, even five good dates mean nothing. Every date, every time is you looking to get to know them and see, observe how they are, who they are, how they treat you and others, and so on. At it's core it's all about you judging compatibility, but it's a process. If you can weed out some bad characters quickly - good.
    You can only weed out the lazy ones like me this way. If someone is determined he will play along. You can't know what someone has on his mind.

  9. #28
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    I don't get what this has to do with trust. I don't do casual sex, I avoided going to a man's home or any private place if we'd just met -and made big mistakes with this twice -luckily wasn't raped but was assaulted. Did these men lie to you or betray you in some way? I see nothing wrong with asking you to come over whether or not it is for sex. It's a free country. And you're free to decline or suggest an alternative. If he enthusiastically agrees to a public date then sure why not go if you're interested in him otherwise.

  10. #29
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by LaHermes
    Score.

    A saying: "Your energy introduces you before you even speak."

    I feel it is more a case that you have very little confidence in yourself, little trust in yourself. You may recall you brought up this issue last year.

    I agree with other posters who advise taking some time away from dating.
    Well said.
    An important life lesson for me was to stop putting all my energy into whether or not a man was trustworthy. Though an important part, you are better off putting as much or more energy into learning to trust - yourself. Your self care is your responsibility, not theirs.

    People will disappoint you all the time. But if you have the strength and resolve to handle these situations, it just makes dating easier.

    You learn to pay close attention to your gutt, learn when to move up, duck out, shake it off and move on.

    Putting it all on them and white knuckling it the entire time makes the process miserable. Trusting that you can handle what comes your way not only changes your energy, but makes you more attractive as well.

    Bluecastle described what it felt like when he sensed he was being sized up. I used to do that and was told more than once that they didn't like feeling like they were under a microscope. No doubt it was a really unattractive quality and could easily feel insulting to some.

  11. #30
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by dias
    You can only weed out the lazy ones like me this way. If someone is determined he will play along. You can't know what someone has on his mind.
    Sooner or later, everyone shows their cards. That's why it's important to be patient and keep your eyes wide open, pay attention, listen carefully, especially watch what they do instead of rushing in with "this date was fun, OMG he is perfect" followed by "I'm disappointed".

    Ultimately, figuring out the difference between someone who is genuine v someone who is just a pretender is a skill you develop with time and life experience.

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