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Thread: Should I accept my partners need to have ex lovers on Social media pages?

  1. #21
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    My ex "collected" ex's. He kept telling me that i should be happy he has good relationships with women and as soon as the different social media sites started, he went looking for them to reconnect. He wasn't interested in all of them sexually - but still - tacky.

  2. #22
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    Originally Posted by Clio
    You didn't pick her because of her integrity. You picked her because of her looks and younger age. In fact, she dated other people while she was with you and you let that fly because of her looks. She has shown you who she is. Yet, it seems that you are ok being disrespected as long as you get to be with someone who is "very attractive" and young enough to be your daughter.

    Imo, when you choose looks and a young body over integrity, you eventually reap what you sow...
    She has shown you who she is. You are making informed decisions.
    Spot on.....

    Get a prenup

  3. #23
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    Kelly here thanks for all the comments I appreciate the comments.

    Just to clear some items up that seem to be misunderstood or questions some of you have.

    I am financially set she is lower income but works very hard and puts in 40 to 80 hours a week. When I met her she had no idea of my financial background and she never asked never pried. These questions have zero to do with my key question and if you dont know the situation they could as sone have suggested have alot to do with who she is as a person.

    Comments like I am with her cause she is beautiful has zero to do witj the question I have. I am good looking and have always dated and been married at one time to beautiful women.

    I had no clue about her sexual appetite when I met her and we were building friendship so not my business. As we became closer friends I could see some issues and never tried to change her but did on occasion show my disappointment with some stuff she did and gave her my best advise as she became close to me on subjects she asked questions about.

    I'm not going to get into her broken younger life and why she was at the point she was in life when I met her but i am smart enough to figure out why she does and did what she does. As I said before I don't judge people for there past.

    She never slept with others while we dated she had other partners in the first few years as we were only friends building a relationship and it never got to the point of serious relationship until last year. It could have gotten serious earlier but I kept a little distance cause I knew she was not ready for a serious relationship as she had to work out to find who she was.

    As for my comment about how beautiful she is and being asked out 20 times in a day. She is just one of those beautiful people with striking good looks. Magazine cover looks. She is a little flirty but has stopped that as she gains more confidence in herself. I can tell you first had that it is un desired attention and in manipulated attention. I drop her off at work amd she cant walk the 300 meters to her office door without being stopped 3 times amd asked out gets tougher door has a note or two on a date or has people waiting for her positioning themselves once they see her so they can meet her or accidmtially be in contact. These are people she sees for the first time or who have seen her but never spoke to her. So i have seen with my own eyes that she is chased and dies lot creat the chase.

    She has placed on her social media that she is engaged she does when someone asks her out tell them no she is in a committed relationship. She does when old exs contact tell them she is comitted to me amd if they get too pushy she deleted them and tells them she is engaged. For those who just get bold and message her for a hookup who she would have hook up with for a one night in the past she tells them she is in a committed relationship and does not do that stuff anymore as it was her self esteem issues that drove that type of behavior.

    All good signs and as time passes she seems to be growing stronger with her control of other men in her life. At soft moments beyweennus she will cry amd break down amd tell me why she does things and what fromnhernoast drove those behaviours amd she knows and she is sorry she is still struggling. She tells me to give her time she is fixing her broke parts amd mending issues from the past. She tells me I'm the only one who has given her the strength and desire the be a better person. I never really saw the bad person when we hung out she was a great person that why I fell for her I waited 4years for her to flow my way seriously amd but beautiful women on hold for her so its not the looks thing. That's a part I'm a guy lol but that's not the whole package I'm looking for.

    Last but not least the age difference I am not atypical 59 year old. I dont look it and I'm ex special forces so I dont act it. Age has little to do with attraction it's just about attraction.

    I was actively trying to date for years and no women in my age demographic would pay me the time of day. At the same time ingot to the grocery store doing my own shopping as I'm alone and get hit on every where I go. My 2 step daughters past relationship if with me 15 and 18 years cant believe it they get tired of bring out with me getting hit on at every store. What bothers them is the flirting is so obvious amd always 25 to 35 year olds. I show them what an attractive older lady is to me amd ingot to flirt and they shut me down and I tell them sorry the young ones like me no idea why. So please dont judge age in a relationship.

    All of this has almost zero to do with my question which is am I wrong to be to believe that when you get into a comitted relationship social media should be cleansed of exs and past sex life and those who want to flirt. I believe as I did when we became serious i stepped forward in my life and comitted to her and cut ties to past dates and single women.

    The group here when passing comment on that question specifically believes that its obvious the social media should be cleaned of past males who want more then friends.

    Thanks for that. I think I will wait a little longer not press her too hard and let her continue to slowly vet her social media her way and see if that cleans up to a point I'm satisfied. I have already in my mind decided that I wont marry her until that is cleaned up. Prenup obviously lol. I will very soon tell her that the closed off snap chat amd instagram she has but never uses has to be deleted complete amd she needs to add me to her current snap. Those are no brainers no compromise. Time will tell

    TY for input

  4. #24
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    How do you know she gets asked out that much -she tells you? is this a source of pride for her -that her physical features prompt those individuals who value that to approach her - to "chase" her to ask her out based on her looks? If so are those values of hers compatible with yours?

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  6. #25
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    As i said i see it when I drop her off at work. She does not think it healthy amd tells me that this gas been her life. She never tells me much about that i asked her why she said cause its every day all day. It would just become every nights conversation amd she does not want to be defending her self to keep every day after she goes out. I meet her at the mall if she is out shopping and i was busy when I meet up if I just walk behind her for 20 mins I will see people follow her and stop her amd ask her out or just strike up conversation. Its guys and girls who are bi or lesbian do same. But again that has zero to do with the question. I bring her supper at work amd see it. She works with the public. She is kind of girl that innyour local area social community page lost and found lol long lost relationship s or lissed connections guys will post about seeing her at Tim hortons or at work or in mall and compliment her. When I first dated her she pointed out the apps in our city that people post in looking to find out who she is. She is a beautiful exotic beauty.

    Oh and i forgot to answer another post about my living arrangements we live together the past 6 months.

    I have been retired for 15 years so hard for her to escape my view. She has 4 kids and they think the world of me. They tell her best one you have ever dated dont this one up. She has 5050 with 3 of kids and 1 is full time with her. Dont judge 4 different fathers each chilled is 4 years apart.
    Last edited by Kelly G; 06-10-2020 at 08:43 AM. Reason: Clarify

  7. #26
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    Get a prenup.

  8. #27
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Well, you seem to have a handle on all this.

    Best I can see, the social media stuff is just a symptom of something of a reckoning at the core of this dynamic. The exotic beauty, the broken past, the accidental damsel: it's clearly a narrative you two both share, fuel, find heat and meaning and comfort inside—particularly in the notion that you are the patient "full package" that has shown her the light, or at least some steps toward its noble glow. As long as that's the story that you're choosing to live and build a life around, there will be "back steps" in the form of...well, of whatever. Right now it's social media. Later it will be something else.

    In other words, what you are presently concerned about is actually what you're also very into in this dynamic, with the frustrations coming, at least from where I sit, that she's not quite coming around or maturing at a rate that rewards your efforts. Lacking the reward you've gotten from her from time to time, you are feeling edgy, reduced a bit to just being a human man rather than the special forces hero who can guide her out of the saucy trenches of past lives. If you're wanting to proceed, and cement all this with marriage, I think you just need to accept that this is how it will feel from time to time.

  9. #28
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    I speak from some experience. I was the younger woman. The age gap wasn't as great as the two of you, but in your very early 20s, ten years can be immense. At any rate, once I was at a point where my insecurities were in check and I really came into my own, the relationship crumbled. My ex became more controlling, dismissive, accused me of "oh, you want that promotion so you can leave me." If she is battled her insecurities like what is implied and thinks that she is becoming more confident BECAUSE of her relationship with you and not her personal achievements, there is going to be something rotten in Denmark as her kids get older and she is more able to have flexibility at work to take on a bigger/higher paying role or really come into her own. And in 10 years, while she is still "hot", you are going to start really looking like an old dude. I think it was a mistake to move in with someone who has kids unless a wedding is around the corner.

    You seemed to be really puffed up about your looks - so they are important to you. What if she doesn't look as stunning in a few years == she messes up her "model pretty" face in a accident, or such?

  10. #29
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I still can't sense any intellectual equality or bonding.

    I am not judging you for your choices. I was in a 40 yr age gap relationship in my 20s. It was a couple of years long and I ran off to live my life. I wasn't there when he passed away and I didn't know.

    It was positive, extremely respectful, restorative, witty and it was a safe harbour. I learned a lot. Mind you, I have always had a strong father figure presence in my life also. My father was very much an engaging and interactive parent, supportive and the biggest cheerleader in anything I set out to do - always present and always ready to lend an ear. This relationship didn't come from a need for an older male figure.

    If you can safely say that the both of you share a lot more topics in common and have a lot more to talk about than her sadness and damage and her exes, you both may have something to work with in a relationship for awhile.

    Saying that you quietly are waiting for her to satisfy your need for less exes before you'll marry her is truthful on your part (good for you to acknowledge that) but also manipulative for her. There are always two sides to every coin.

    It means that before you will accept her wholly as an equal, she needs to change.

    That doesn't sit right with me. All the growing she needs to do can also come from being single and developing herself in ways you will never be able to guide or provide.

    If she does grow out of her damage or outgrows you, she may leave you too just like I left my partner all those years ago. I couldn't absorb any more knowledge from him and I needed to go, spread my wings. Looking back I am only grateful for the time and all the confidence he placed in me the way you place in your partner. He restored my faith in many ways and it made me very strong.

    I wish only the best for the both of you.

  11. #30
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    I have seen wonderful age gap relationships - two people in a very obscure research field or narrow interest realize that they are made for eachother-- matches of the intellect, not of the hot bods.

    Also, when guys say "women my age dismiss me" -- sometimes its because a guy is 50 and act like an irrepsonsible college student, is controlling, likes to hear himself talk, etc, or they know his ex. or they don't know he's interested and single -- they assume he's married. women in their 40s through 60 were not born yesterday

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