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Should I accept my partners need to have ex lovers on Social media pages?


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I have been in a relationship as friends and casual lovers for 5 years with a great person whom I have fallen in love with. We have been dating for 1 year and have become engaged for past 3 months. We have 20 years between us in age.

 

My partner was rather permiscuous throughout life when we first met for us it was innocent good meeting and proper build of a relationship with a little I'd say too quick sex at start. I slowed that down right away and we became best frinds and now engaged. I put up with the other people as we were not comitted and it was never in my face and I saw it as still finding ones self after my partner had a bad teen and younger years with partners.

 

The issue.

My partners social media has a pile of ex lovers ex Partners amd ex just s lol. I dont think my partner should have any exs unless they are parents of the kids on any social media or phone contact list or media feed. My partner disagrees sees nothing wrong with ex lovers and s on Face book instagram snap chat messenger text.

 

I cleaned my social media of all potential and past dates on my social media when we became serious last year. I suggested my partner do the same. Ingot anger defensive approach total deflection and agression and complete refusal then blocked me from all social media. Eventually cooler heads prevailed back on partners FB but told very clearly dont ever raise that issue im just jealous. With arguments like if I cant trust then we have no relationship. I left it and said I didnt ask you to do anything i suggested and showed what I did as an example. Zero interest in changing.

 

We have been back and forth on this for months and as I catch exs making stupid comments or read messages that ask for sex or obvious get togethers I get in a fight as i state this is why they need gone off your page. They mean nothing to our life today and future. My partner says that nothing occured never responded ignored the comment or stayed look I'm inna relationship and not interested. My position is that's good but delete them so it does not happen we have no room innyour life for them.

 

So am I wrong to want and expect my partner to delete all past lovers s and single people who are trying to hook up? Side not my partner is very attractive and cant walk down a street without getting asked out. Which is fine I just dont expect them to follow on FB a week later then become friends on FB 2 weeks after that.

 

Second part to social media my partner has snap chat and refuses to friend me amd Instagram changed the snap chat from the one with many friends to a new one with just 1 but still wont let me on as a friend. Then recently stopped using the instagram profile with 350 people on it opened a new one without deleting the old one amd now has 50 friends and added me. The other one just sits there.

 

Am I wrong to expect a separation of life from past to present and cut ties with exs or am I just too old and out of touch with new way? I'm 59 my partner is 36.

 

Thoughts cause I am told I am just jealous and out of touch with social media ways for the modern times. Lol.

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Unfortunately he wants more of an open relationship than you do. If you can handle his other lovers continue, if not reconsider. In the meantime, get tested for STDs and use protection. Is he a professional escort or gigolo?

We have been dating for 1 year. I'm 59 my partner is 36.

Zero interest in changing.

 

I catch exs making stupid comments or read messages that ask for sex or obvious get togethers.

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You're wrong in that when you two were not on the same page about something so important, that you continued on in the relationship. The secret to relationship happiness is to make sure your partner matches you in all the important ways such as ethics, relationship boundaries, lifetime goals.

 

Age gap relationships of 20 or more years have a 95 percent failure rate. He will retire 23 years after you do. You'll be at home all day without a companion while he continues to work another 20 years. He might be okay with your appearance now, but will he be able to handle the difference when you're 70 and he's 47? A guy with a harem doesn't sound like he could possess that type of love where love transcends the extreme age difference of dating someone who is old enough to be his mother.

 

I suggest dating someone who doesn't frustrate you on a daily basis with these major differences, and someone closer to your age so that you're in a similar stage of life.

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I think you need to trust your own instinct and gut in this situation.

 

The problems I see from your explanation:

 

1. Anger, ignoring/blocking you and demanding a topic never be brought up again. Is not how conflicts should be resolved. This is major manipulation.

 

2. Declaring you are just jealous and that's the problem, is gas lighting you.

 

3. They are holding on to all these people as potential back ups. And is not as invested in this relationship as you are. Engaged or not.

 

4. They are hiding something. That's why they won't friend you on certain platforms

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Ingot anger defensive approach total deflection and agression and complete refusal then blocked me from all social media. Eventually cooler heads prevailed back on partners FB but told very clearly dont ever raise that issue im just jealous. Zero interest in changing.

 

refuses to friend me ... still wont let me on as a friend.

 

These seem to be way bigger problems than him having exes on his fb. He sounds like an arrogant attention seeker and more importantly, he doesn't respect you. You have no say in this relationship. Why do you think he's a great person when he treats you this way?

 

Back to your question, you are not wrong for not wanting him to stay in contact with those exes. He's not wrong for wanting to keep them either. You are just not on the same page in that aspect. A very important aspect of a relationship IMO. There is no point trying to bend him to fit into your boundaries if he doesn't want to. However what happens now is that you are bending over backwards yourself to fit in his ways. Not fair and not sustainable.

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Don't marry this person.

 

Kelly is a unisex name and you haven't used any gender pronouns. Are you male or female and is your partner male or female?

 

You both have differences in the way you conduct yourselves and treat your exes and this is never going to be compatible in the long run. I lived with someone for a short period and also saw a revolving door of exes. I think there are deep psychological roots or ties to those people and they represent grounding in some way and those people represent a type of family.

 

That family is a grounding force and a groundwork for stability in an otherwise unstable mind or unstable person's life.

 

All those poor qualities like gaslighting, hiding, anger, hostility, avoidance have developed as defense mechanisms.

 

Did you also sleep with other people while your partner was promiscuous? Or was it a one-sided agreement while you remained faithful?

 

I think the relationship appears one-sided and extremely dysfunctional and you've set your bar so exceedingly low, vaulting it to the heights of demands for monogamy, faithfulness and your idea of what a marriage is is too late. The behaviours and habits and everything else you dislike have already been set through years of tolerance and dysfunction.

 

Why do you allow yourself to tolerate dysfunction?

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This is so inappropriate. They are not just friends. He is cheating.

 

This guy has no respect for you and relationship, he then blocks, blocks and gas lights you. He sounds like a real jerk.

 

I really do not understand how you think you can have any future with someone like this? He will never change.

 

Get tested! Then dum this clown, and ask yourself why your expectations are so low.

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You two should not be getting married.

 

You have totally different views on boundaries that make a dating relationship difficult - imagine how hard marriage is going to be. There are several issues here, one of which is your partner's insistence on keeping exes around.

 

The others? Poor conflict resolution skills, keeping you a secret on social media, nasty behaviour like blocking and gas-lighting. May I ask who proposed to whom, and why?

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Kelly here thanks for the response. I didnt say what my fender was as I did not want to ignite a bias view. I am a male I am the older one. We have been from what i understand monogamous since we started dating seriously. Previous we both had other relations me not so many lol. She has had many but that is not a measure of her now and i would not want to have that as a measure of anyone past is past I always say just domt let your past become part of my present. So in the past year since we became serious I have had mo there lovers or dates or interest she is the same I believe although she is asked out 20 time's a week and she says no she still cant seem to cut her ties to the past.

 

So if she is monogamous and so am I the social media being a tipping issue. We really have no other issue and she is with me all the time. Should I let this desire to stay connected stand and hope over time she on her own time vets those names off her life. I can say that she has cut way way back in number of single males on her page over the last few arguements we had but she did it weeks later when I said nothing. She has also began cutting several numbers of exs off her page. But some still exist. Again this was after a blow out and I just left it alone and told her it brothers me.

 

Last two blow outs I said to her I could just meet you at same level and reopen myboage to ex lovers amd girls interested in me and would she like that. I just emd with I could but I wont as that does nothing for us playing for tat. I told her back when I fell innlove instated shedding my female past and when we became serious I closed my social media to all single females that didnt have a good honest reason for being on my feeds told her she is my body interest amd i know she has come to think of me same way when she does same. Her view is I'm just jealous amd if she does not contact them or speak to them or meet up or get into anything more then a causal comment on a FB post then why worry.

 

So guess I ask should people in a relationship that's serious purge there social media and lives of all exs no matter what old friends or not if you ed once they are out of your future life. If they want to you or you them but just never did gone from social media. There are always exceptions in life but I'd have to feel comfortable with that person. Obviously past fathers of her kids are always welcome to communicate.

 

Does that make me wrong to say cut all toes with single males trying to friend you or ex lovers or causal s or old friends you ed. What's the protocols for relationships?

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I proposed but she hinted rather heavy it was time. Just like when we became serious dating she said she told her dad after all these years she finally decided to date me seriously and it just sorta became that we were dating and she expected me to be her sole mate and she said same back no more casual guys she was done with that life.

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This is a maturity and incompatibility issue. You both have very different views on morals, values and what's appropriate. You are at an impasse. Just because she says she's ready doesn't mean it's the right decision to get married or that she's the right one to get married to. She's not because she wants to keep her past,...for sentimental reasons? worried of losing her identity? Loss of individuality? it's possible. It's harmless? can be, but that doesn't change the way you feel about it. Unfortunately that's a big part of her life you are telling her to let go of. Maybe a few years or more down the road she will adjust and start letting go because she has developed a new life, new friends, etc. It's a gamble.

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Time to rebuild your self-esteem. Trying to change her is futile because you have spoken time and time again, she has dismissed you and you are both at an impasse.

 

This appears to bother you a lot and over a long period of time. It isn't sudden and it's been a progressive or pervasive issue it appears throughout a lot of the relationship.

 

Why live in perpetual discomfort? She's entitled to live her life the way she wants but she certainly isn't going to change for you. Even if she did, would you believe it? How long until the next infraction or the next wrong or inappropriate thing?

 

Sometimes we meet people in life where it appears we are so compatible, things are so exhilarating, fun and exciting. Time peels back all the layers and we discover critical differences that make a romantic relationship either uncomfortable or incompatible over the long run.

 

I think you would benefit from a long, hard think about what your dealbreakers are and what you can or can't put up with. You are asking some very basic questions about what's proper in relationships but the answer actually lies in you. YOU decide what's best for yourself. No one else. The forum is here though to tell you when someone is incompatible with you or doesn't respect you. She knows you are a certain way but she does those things anyway, expecting you to be committed to her and start a life together. That's not acceptable and it's quite inconsiderate and insensitive on her part.

 

I hope you are able to do some soul-searching and find what matters to you in a relationship. Date for awhile more if you are not able to say goodbye or if you are figuring things out. Do not marry her.

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I think it's time to knock this one on the head.

 

It's not a black or white matter regarding having exs as friends but the fact she cares so little about your feelings and would rather keep ex-boyfriends in contact says it all. There is also a quite considerable age gap between you.

 

I would get out now before you lose more than your sanity.

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A 36 year old woman is a fully formed adult. Meaning what you see is what you get - her values, her character, her relationship boundaries are set. The idea that she is suddenly having a personality change and a total change of character, that she is suddenly "done with that life" and going to settle and be happy with just one man is quite frankly absurd and naive. If you are going to buy that, I've got a bridge to sell you.... This is an adult woman, emphasis added.

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Do you live together? How many baby-daddies are there? Is there a significant asset/income differential? Why does she suddenly want to marry? Considering she is still online looking for lovers and opportunities, what is the point of a commitment, where you stand to lose? Trying to manipulate the answers by reversing genders did not change my advice, btw. She wants an open thing.

I didnt say what my fender was as I did not want to ignite a bias view.
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Gender does not make any difference. This is who she is, and she will it change. Your problem is not the social media, but the fact that she is emotionally cheating on - at the very least- and is an attention seeker, and does care about or respect your feelings. You need to wake up!

 

I still recommend that you dump her, and get tested.

 

Where is she going that she gets herself in a position to be asked out 20 times a week? How does this happen if she is not flirting and connecting with a lot of male strangers.

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You're not wrong. You partner does not respect your feelings.

 

There is a 23 year age difference between you and your partner. You're old enough to be your partner's parent! :eek: There is a huge generation gap which is problematic.

 

Your partner is gaslighting you when you are told that you are jealous and you are the problem.

 

Be with a partner who is within your age bracket if you want to be more compatible with someone and have more in common since you hail from the same generation. You will be able to relate better with someone your own age.

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We have 20 years between us in age.

 

My partner was rather permiscuous throughout life

 

I put up with the other people

 

Zero interest in changing.

 

Side not my partner is very attractive and cant walk down a street without getting asked out. I'm 59 my partner is 36.

 

 

You didn't pick her because of her integrity. You picked her because of her looks and younger age. In fact, she dated other people while she was with you and you let that fly because of her looks. She has shown you who she is. Yet, it seems that you are ok being disrespected as long as you get to be with someone who is "very attractive" and young enough to be your daughter.

 

Imo, when you choose looks and a young body over integrity, you eventually reap what you sow...

She has shown you who she is. You are making informed decisions.

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I would say it's important to decide what matters most to you; having a young, attractive wife who you feel you have to watch or who you would want to "change" or having a wife who you don't feel needs to be watched and who doesn't need to "change" in order for you to feel comfortable and secure.

 

That's not to say all younger women are attention-seekers. Not at all. But this one is and you already know this.

 

Besides, I would always be wondering if she has one foot out the door if it were me.

 

Question for you, are you financially well-set?

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You didn't pick her because of her integrity. You picked her because of her looks and younger age. In fact, she dated other people while she was with you and you let that fly because of her looks. She has shown you who she is. Yet, it seems that you are ok being disrespected as long as you get to be with someone who is "very attractive" and young enough to be your daughter.

 

Imo, when you choose looks and a young body over integrity, you eventually reap what you sow...

She has shown you who she is. You are making informed decisions.

 

Spot on.....

 

Get a prenup

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Kelly here thanks for all the comments I appreciate the comments.

 

Just to clear some items up that seem to be misunderstood or questions some of you have.

 

I am financially set she is lower income but works very hard and puts in 40 to 80 hours a week. When I met her she had no idea of my financial background and she never asked never pried. These questions have zero to do with my key question and if you dont know the situation they could as sone have suggested have alot to do with who she is as a person.

 

Comments like I am with her cause she is beautiful has zero to do witj the question I have. I am good looking and have always dated and been married at one time to beautiful women.

 

I had no clue about her sexual appetite when I met her and we were building friendship so not my business. As we became closer friends I could see some issues and never tried to change her but did on occasion show my disappointment with some stuff she did and gave her my best advise as she became close to me on subjects she asked questions about.

 

I'm not going to get into her broken younger life and why she was at the point she was in life when I met her but i am smart enough to figure out why she does and did what she does. As I said before I don't judge people for there past.

 

She never slept with others while we dated she had other partners in the first few years as we were only friends building a relationship and it never got to the point of serious relationship until last year. It could have gotten serious earlier but I kept a little distance cause I knew she was not ready for a serious relationship as she had to work out to find who she was.

 

As for my comment about how beautiful she is and being asked out 20 times in a day. She is just one of those beautiful people with striking good looks. Magazine cover looks. She is a little flirty but has stopped that as she gains more confidence in herself. I can tell you first had that it is un desired attention and in manipulated attention. I drop her off at work amd she cant walk the 300 meters to her office door without being stopped 3 times amd asked out gets tougher door has a note or two on a date or has people waiting for her positioning themselves once they see her so they can meet her or accidmtially be in contact. These are people she sees for the first time or who have seen her but never spoke to her. So i have seen with my own eyes that she is chased and dies lot creat the chase.

 

She has placed on her social media that she is engaged she does when someone asks her out tell them no she is in a committed relationship. She does when old exs contact tell them she is comitted to me amd if they get too pushy she deleted them and tells them she is engaged. For those who just get bold and message her for a hookup who she would have hook up with for a one night in the past she tells them she is in a committed relationship and does not do that stuff anymore as it was her self esteem issues that drove that type of behavior.

 

All good signs and as time passes she seems to be growing stronger with her control of other men in her life. At soft moments beyweennus she will cry amd break down amd tell me why she does things and what fromnhernoast drove those behaviours amd she knows and she is sorry she is still struggling. She tells me to give her time she is fixing her broke parts amd mending issues from the past. She tells me I'm the only one who has given her the strength and desire the be a better person. I never really saw the bad person when we hung out she was a great person that why I fell for her I waited 4years for her to flow my way seriously amd but beautiful women on hold for her so its not the looks thing. That's a part I'm a guy lol but that's not the whole package I'm looking for.

 

Last but not least the age difference I am not atypical 59 year old. I dont look it and I'm ex special forces so I dont act it. Age has little to do with attraction it's just about attraction.

 

I was actively trying to date for years and no women in my age demographic would pay me the time of day. At the same time ingot to the grocery store doing my own shopping as I'm alone and get hit on every where I go. My 2 step daughters past relationship if with me 15 and 18 years cant believe it they get tired of bring out with me getting hit on at every store. What bothers them is the flirting is so obvious amd always 25 to 35 year olds. I show them what an attractive older lady is to me amd ingot to flirt and they shut me down and I tell them sorry the young ones like me no idea why. So please dont judge age in a relationship.

 

All of this has almost zero to do with my question which is am I wrong to be to believe that when you get into a comitted relationship social media should be cleansed of exs and past sex life and those who want to flirt. I believe as I did when we became serious i stepped forward in my life and comitted to her and cut ties to past dates and single women.

 

The group here when passing comment on that question specifically believes that its obvious the social media should be cleaned of past males who want more then friends.

 

Thanks for that. I think I will wait a little longer not press her too hard and let her continue to slowly vet her social media her way and see if that cleans up to a point I'm satisfied. I have already in my mind decided that I wont marry her until that is cleaned up. Prenup obviously lol. I will very soon tell her that the closed off snap chat amd instagram she has but never uses has to be deleted complete amd she needs to add me to her current snap. Those are no brainers no compromise. Time will tell

 

TY for input

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How do you know she gets asked out that much -she tells you? is this a source of pride for her -that her physical features prompt those individuals who value that to approach her - to "chase" her to ask her out based on her looks? If so are those values of hers compatible with yours?

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As i said i see it when I drop her off at work. She does not think it healthy amd tells me that this gas been her life. She never tells me much about that i asked her why she said cause its every day all day. It would just become every nights conversation amd she does not want to be defending her self to keep every day after she goes out. I meet her at the mall if she is out shopping and i was busy when I meet up if I just walk behind her for 20 mins I will see people follow her and stop her amd ask her out or just strike up conversation. Its guys and girls who are bi or lesbian do same. But again that has zero to do with the question. I bring her supper at work amd see it. She works with the public. She is kind of girl that innyour local area social community page lost and found lol long lost relationship s or lissed connections guys will post about seeing her at Tim hortons or at work or in mall and compliment her. When I first dated her she pointed out the apps in our city that people post in looking to find out who she is. She is a beautiful exotic beauty.

 

Oh and i forgot to answer another post about my living arrangements we live together the past 6 months.

 

I have been retired for 15 years so hard for her to escape my view. She has 4 kids and they think the world of me. They tell her best one you have ever dated dont this one up. She has 5050 with 3 of kids and 1 is full time with her. Dont judge 4 different fathers each chilled is 4 years apart.

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