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Thread: Should I give up all hope?

  1. #1

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    Should I give up all hope?

    My girlfriend and I (F/F) have been broken up till the end of March (both 21 years and in a stable and happy relationship for 2 years). The relationship has always been great, we were made for eachother and everything seemed to go perfectly until the last two months.

    In September 2019 I spent a six-month internship, until February 2020, in which we saw only one week in November and for the Christmas holidays and everything was wonderful like always (she told me that). I came back from this experience at the beginning of February and she tells me that she loves me but that itís not like the start of the relationship.

    I panic and we spend all February to see few times and March to fight, until the beginning of quarantine because of the Coronavirus (we should have left together for a trip at the beginning of March, her idea to celebrate the two years anniversary, we were really looking for this trip to spend some time togheter after the six months apart. Until February everything was going well, we were going out like normally, she was fine with me and she said/demonstrated it continuously (she asked me to plan our holidays in the summer, talking about all the stuff that we wanted to do after the exams). In March we did nothing but fight, the quarantine (that started for my country at the very beginning of March) has led us to move even further and eventually to leave without even being able to see us.

    Throughout the month she had been cold (always telling me that she loved me, but only as a response to my ďI love youĒ but always chatting and facetiming eachother) and I did not help the situation, coming back from the six-month journey very sad and confused about my life and clinging to her to seek confirmation and seeing her as the only positive thing in my life.

    The last day of the relationship (27th of March, the day before we had made a two hours videocall talking about light subjects) we talk normally and in the evening comes out the subject, she says that she loves me but it is no longer like before, that I deserve to be happy and she can not make me happy (it wasnít unexpected as we talked about breaking up and never found the courage to do it because she loved me).

    We call each other on the phone and we cry all the time, she apologizes for hurting me, she says that Iím a wonderful person and that I deserve the best but even if she tried so hard she couldnít pretend to love me like before, that she wants to keep up with my life if and when I want, that she wanted to be there next to me to make me feel good even though she was the cause of my pain.

    All through February and March we met about ten times (after five months apart) and we constantly talked about these problems, I couldnít understand what she said to me (because I was afraid of losing her) and she didnít understand why she felt this way towards me, accusing herself and crying all the time while I was trying to pretend that was all like before.

    She also added that it would be more correct to see and talk about it in person (she added this during the breakup, but even in the days before, adding that we were trying to resolve issues but the quarantine had blocked us) but because of Coronavirus could not continue to make me feel bad (I was constantly on the phone hoping she would write to me, ask me to call us and I was no longer finding the strength to do anything) for at least another two months and resolve this situation at the end of the quarantine. She never explicitly told me that she no longer loved me, only that the love she felt was no longer the same as before and that she preferred to leave and break up with a good memory rather than continue something that would make us hate in the end.

    Immediately after the breakup I started no contact because I needed some time apart (I told her to not write me for some time), working on myself to feel good, solving the problems that I had, still working on it.

    She didn't write me for my birthday at the start of May and I wrote to her a text 10 days after, asking how she was and she immediately responded, apologizing for not contacting me on my birthday because she didnít want to intrude or ruin my day (I didn't even mention my birthday in the first text). We talked a little bit about college, and I told her I wanted to see her and talk about what I realized in this two months apart. She told me that she didnít expecting this, asked me what I thought, and that she didnít think it was a good idea to see eachother. I explained that I had been thinking a lot about what had happened and I would like to tell her and listen to her thoughts (because when we broke up we were both crying and upset), she told me that seeing us would not be a good idea.

    She added that she didnít want to hurt me by refusing to met, but neither did she want to start the process of getting better again, adding that she has only positive memories about me, but that she couldnít see me now. She said sheíd want to hear from me in the future about how Iím doing and whatís new in my life because she care about me and she loves me, but seeing me now would be hurting herself.

    I asked her why she thought I wrote to her and she said that she thought I wanted to know how she was doing, that she was glad to hear from me and that she would write to me in the future too. She added that even this conversation upset her, that itís too soon for her to write me and she canít handle the emotions she caused her; that she canít go back to how she was two months ago because sheís trying to get better slowly and see me would make her panic (she told me that just chatting with me had her struggle)

    I asked her how to behave to respect her spaces, she told me that in the future we will write to know how we are doing and how itís going, but itís too soon now. She wished me luck and the conversation was over.

    This was not an abusive relationship on either side, either physically or mentally. It was a healthy, respectful relationship. (I feel the urge to add this because I was shocked by such a sudden reaction, she seemed afraid of confrontation, afraid of me.)

    I care about her, I donít want to do anything to hurt her and a month is passed, so how should I behave?

    I also care for my mental health and this situation feels to me like it doesn't have a proper end, with her not being clear for the reasons in the breakup and expressing the will to talk to me again in the future.

    Why did she react like that? (it seems that I dumped her and then write to her again when it was her decision that I accepted, she made all by herself).

    Should I give up hope of starting a relationship with her again? Why did her feel the need to tell me that in the future we will talk to eachother and see how it goes?

    I already heard to "give up, move on, forget her" and I'm doing it (I'm not crying everyday in my room, I take care of myself and all that inspirational stuff). I'm looking for a serious opinion on this situation.

    She still see all my stories and my friends's stories on Instagram and she had put a "like" in my Instagram post yesterday (it was a picture of me).

    I should mention that in September she will move away from our city due to study and I still donít know if Iím gonna go in the same city as her (for study reasons) or Iím gonna stay in our current city. (Iím adressing this thing because at the end of the relationship she was very concerned about it and didnít see a future for us as a couple in a distance relationship, after that we spent five months apart).

    Thanks for your time :)

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Blue68's Avatar
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    Hi pinco. Welcome to eNA.

    Sorry you are going through is.

    Unfortunately, sometimes people just grow apart and although you feel exactly the same was as you first did, her feelings towards you have changed. She still cares about you as a person though and she is undoubtedly upset at the hurt she is causing you.

    I think she has been as clear as she can be - that she no longer feels the same. As to why though, she doesn't know. She has no answer for that. Therefore, she can't give you a clearer answer.

    You had a good relationship and she will miss certain aspects of that but it doesn't change the fact that she is ready to move on.

    As to why she said that you will have contact in the future ... well, it could be one of two things. She could be setting it as a landmark for you both to look towards to help you move forwards or she could have said it because she thought it would help you to hear that. Sometimes when we are backed into a corner we say things that we think someone wants to hear ... or something that will at least help that person at that moment in time.

    "Hope" is a natural coping mechanism and we hold on to it until we are ready to let go. Letting go is a gradual process. Someone once said to me that there is nothing wrong with holding on to a little bit of hope whilst still making steps forward. I agree with that. Go back to NC. Take one day at a time. Try to focus on your studies and doing things you enjoy. When it comes to where you want to do your studies, I would stay where you are. I see little point in following her. It is better to pave your way forwards without her being your focus.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by pinco
    Should I give up hope of starting a relationship with her again?
    Definitely.

    From what you wrote, two things seem very clear to me:

    1. She truly cares for and feels affection for you, and
    2. (most importantly) she definitely wants out of this relationship.

    The two things are not mutually exclusive.

    Believe it or not, this is a very proper end.

  4. #4

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    Knowing her, I know she wouldnít say anything to make me feel good without actually believing it, she always preferred to tell me the truth and make me feel bad rather than lie to me to make things better.

    I agree to go on without totally leaving hope, thatís what Iíve been doing for months and Iíve had a lot of progress (although she always has a place in my thoughts).

    The possibility of studying in the same city is independent of getting back together or not, but the future university I could go to is located in the same city where she will study (Itís seriously a coincidence, I donít choose my job and my future life just for a relationship or a reconquest).

  5. #5
    Platinum Member Blue68's Avatar
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    I didn't mean to offend. I genuinely thought you were trying to make up your mind as to whether or not you should go to where she is/will be.

    Do you have other university options?

  6. #6

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    No offense, really :)

    I have other options but theyíre not as good as the one in the same city and Iím waiting to make a decision because I donít want it to be dictated by the rush or the bad expectations.

  7. #7
    Platinum Member Blue68's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by pinco
    No offense, really :)

    I have other options but theyíre not as good as the one in the same city and Iím waiting to make a decision because I donít want it to be dictated by the rush or the bad expectations.
    I can understand that and it's going to be a tough decision to make. As a parent, who has a daughter at Uni, I wouldn't want her to lose out on the best education based on a relationship that I know she will eventually get over. However, neither would I want her education thwarted by emotions due to her ex always being on the distant horizons.

    Have you spoken about that? Should you end up in the same City? Will she be at the University too or just in the same City as?

  8. #8
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by pinco
    No offense, really :)

    I have other options but theyíre not as good as the one in the same city and Iím waiting to make a decision because I donít want it to be dictated by the rush or the bad expectations.
    Hi pinco

    Keep on, keeping on, as the saying goes. It hurts and its going to take time.

    I would not focus on hope for the relationship. Instead focus on hope for your future. Making good choices that support the life you ultimately want.

    Someone we love, may be wonderful, but if they choose to step away, that absolutely proves there is better (for you) out there!

    I don't mean this in a condescending way. In time, you will see, you have so many experiences yet to come. They will change you and shape you, in ways you can't even imagine right now. accept that your story is just getting started and the future will take care of itself, if you make good choices with your time and effort now.

    Appreciate what it was, but know you deserve better. Maybe hop off social media for a while. I know you don't want to block or unfriend her, but that would be best.

    You could always say (if asked) you understood her need to break up. She needs to understand your need to not see her.... Like SHE said, in the future you will be to each other what you are meant to be... But for now, a clean break is needed.

  9. #9
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    The relationship is definitely over. Welcome to the forums. I'm very sorry you're going through this.

    I think she is right to keep that distance between the both of you and it showed consideration and compassion on her part not to reach out on your birthday. I know that sounds hard but she's surprisingly thinking of your best interests also. She seems very respectful of you and she is also mindful of her own boundaries.

    I second the thought about focusing on your future and your studies. Don't hold yourself back or hope for anything to come of this.

  10. #10

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    Thank you all for your answers and your time.
    I am a little puzzled by the certainty that everyone says "itís over, go on because there is no more hope", without even making an attempt at reconciliation.
    Maybe Iím stubborn or maybe Iíve come to the point of being comfortable with myself without having my ex next to me, but to consider her only as added happiness in my life.
    I am fully aware that the relationship is over but I cannot see clearly that it DEFINITELY cannot start again, especially with her who responded to my messages, was very happy to hear from me and spoke on more than one occasion to hear from us in the future.

    With this I am not saying it is useful to hope until the end, but if you want something for the right reasons is not correct also try to fight before give up?

    As for the university, no, we never talked about going to the same university. I discovered a course of studies that I could be interested in in that city only after we broke up (fate sometimes makes you smile a lot).

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