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Thread: How to Get Closure After Being the Rebound

  1. #21
    Bronze Member ConfusedLady21's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    I found something peculiar I didn't mention earlier in your first post. His ex didn't want to take a risk marrying him? What risk do you think this involves?

    I ask because it sounds like she saw warning signs and red flags. I think the relationship you had with him is between the both of you (unique, beautiful, wonderful while it lasted and pertaining only to the dynamic that you both shared) but hindsight can be 20/20 and people generally don't make radical changes in their personalities. There are similar patterns over time.

    I know it's painful to be compared or feel like you're being compared to someone else. I hope you realize this doesn't mean you are completely defective, unlovable or like there's something so wrong with you that you won't be able to find love again (genuine, kind and honest love).
    I asked him why things didn't work out. He told me that's he's an a hole, and she did not want to take a risk with him.
    Last edited by ConfusedLady21; 06-08-2020 at 03:17 AM.

  2. #22
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    I would like to have at least one more text to let him know how I am improving and how incredibly hurtful it is to be someone's rebound. I want him to know that I know what he was doing.
    Taking up with a rebounder is ill advised not because of some artificial moral taboo, but rather, it's just not likely to work out.

    Casting ourselves as a victim of a rebounder is not against the law, it just offers no payoff and makes no sense. Rebounding isn't something that anyone can do TO us. We each own the responsibility to learn how long a potential date has been single since their last breakup, and that's just math.

    Accusing a rebounder of rebounding as though you just found out a year later that he was newly broken from his ex when you met him won't buy you anything.

    This relationship was not on a healthy trajectory from the start. Is this really a new realization for you?

    Hang in there. Over time you'll gain more and more recognition that you are far better off without this guy.

    Head high.

  3. #23
    Platinum Member Blue68's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by ConfusedLady21
    I was jealous of her even though I didn't personally know her. She was with him for 3 years and my boyfriend wanted to marry her. I wanted more time and a lengthier relationship with my boyfriend. I wanted to marry him. She did something right in his eyes and I didn't. He loved her but he didn't love me.
    And I felt incompetent. I felt like I couldn't live up to what he once had. And now after doing research about her, she seems to have her professional ducks in a row. That's simply not the case for me. She was interested in everything he enjoys. And I was concerned about not having enough in common with him. Apparently she acted way more mature than me. It was a negative whisper in the back of my head that I was not able to compare. He texted her all the time. And he was nice to her and picked his words carefully when addressing her but he was cold to me.
    It's frustrating.
    Donít compare yourself to his ex. You are as much an amazing person as she is ... and you donít really have any idea what her life is really like. I doubt it is as perfect as you think. No-oneís is. You only have what your ex says and his word is not to be trusted.

    Your ex was not (and is still not) emotionally available. He is still invested in his past relationship. This is not about you. This is about him.

    Your ex doesnít sound like a particularly nice person and given what you said here .......

    Originally Posted by ConfusedLady21
    I asked him why things didn't work out. He told me that's he's an a hole, and she did not want to take a risk with him.
    .... it doesnít sound as though he was very nice to her either. She had the good sense to walk away from him, so should you.

  4. #24
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    I think you're looking at this a bit wrong....In my experience love can't actually be forced. There is really nothing someone can do or "improve" themselves to make someone fall in love with you. It either happens or it doesn't. You can be a good, nice person who has purpose in life (e.g. job) and be yourself. But if someone just isn't in love with you, it's not your or their fault. The other thing too is if the person truly falls for you, they wouldn't keep fixating on their ex.

    With one of my ex's, when I met them, I was still getting over someone. But I really fell for them so the previous person didn't matter. Seems like your ex just didn't think you're " the one". I'm sure you did nothing wrong but sometimes that special feeling is just not there. It does really hurt. But the good thing is there are a lot of people out there. And it's definitely possible to love someone else and still get married and so on. When you're hurting it feels like you'll never love anyone else again. But that's not true.

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  6. #25
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Give yourself the summer off with the gift of no contact as a vacation from drama. In Autumn see how it goes at work. For now enjoy the whole summer free of all the bull this situationship was so full of.

  7. #26
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    Having gone through something similar and survived! Not just survived, but thrived... My heart goes out to you.

    My best advice is to focus whole heatedly on yourself. Examine your feelings and love yourself through it. Forgive yourself for how you acted, how you feel, for settling.

    Appreciate yourself for your kindness to him, understanding of him and all the ways you were good to him and there for him. Then take that kindness and appreciation and give it to yourself.

    Find some good affirmations on the internet to help build better self talk. Read articles about controlling your thoughts.

    Cry it out and release... Then keep going! This guy is not all that... He's only special because you made him special.

    You are special because you love. All that love you feel for him? Thatís you! You care. Its OK to be jealous. You are hurting, but you won't always. This too shall pass....

    And let a little anger in.... Forget that loser user! He wouldn't know a good thing if it fell in his lap. Obviously! What a !

    PS... Don't worry about work. One day at a time.

  8. #27
    Platinum Member LC8328's Avatar
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    Hi,

    I've been reading your posts for a while and a lot of things are starting to come together as far as insight on some of your past posts.

    For starters, it doesn't look like you had a fair chance with this guy. His heart seemed closed from the beginning.

    I'm sorry that he treated you like this. If any man I dated told me that all I had to do was cook, clean, and have sex with him...well, the things I'd say in response would be censored out of this post. I'm disgusted and saddened for you.

    It's quite normal to want to be in contact with him, all things considered. But that idea, much like your former relationship, is not a good one. You're an adult, however, and I'm confident you'll make the choice that is right for you.

    The only other thing I want to add is that I wish many things for you...completeness and strength, for starters. I would like to see a day where, if a man says that you're not good enough, you'll tell him in no uncertain terms to GTFO and never look back.

    I'm sorry for the pain you're going through. Time will help it hurt less, I promise.

  9. #28
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    I agree with the others totally about giving yourself closure and simply assuming he was not that into you -simple as that. And you knew that when he didn't tell you he loved you after months together. Nothing to do with his ex. Been on both sides of this situation. One of my exes met his future wife 6 months after ending things with me. He was a former "player" -he would have said so - but I simply accepted he wasn't that into me. And his future wife is much prettier than me. Yes of course I compared -it's normal - and then moved on from it.

    On the other side. I was with my ex boyfriend 7 years on and off. After we broke up I reconnected with another ex - an ex fiancee -and we married. My ex boyfriend met someone else. They married the same year I got married. I was in contact with him as a friend until shortly after he started dating his future wife -at that point I could tell he was serious about her and to decrease awkwardness I did the slow fade.

    6 months after they married -but before I was married -she emailed me from her husband's work account. I'd never met her. She wanted to meet me. I emailed him to find out if he knew she emailed me. He did. The strong sense I got was that he'd talked me up so much over the years and she felt insecure. So we did meet -on a double date. She was clingy to him and he allowed it -it was obvious she wanted to check me out. I liked her well enough and I behaved 100% appropriate with my ex so she would feel 100% comfortable. And told her I'd recently learned I was expecting a baby. I think that helped too since she knew I wouldn't come knocking on her husband's door -even though I'd had no contact with him for well over a year at that point and not at all when they were serious. Was I "better" than her? No - but very different. She may have thought so though -no clue.

    I told her I'd be happy to take her to lunch in the future since they treated us for brunch and she gave us a good networking connection. Of course she never followed up!

    Feel better.

  10. #29
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by ConfusedLady21
    I asked him why things didn't work out. He told me that's he's an a hole, and she did not want to take a risk with him.
    .....When a guy tells you that, you better believe him. Also, when another woman discards him after three years for that reason.....that's a good reason for you to run for the hills. Don't pick up someone else's trash off the curb - that stuff is sitting there because it's broken garbage and not some treasure.

    Please examine why you think someone like that is a catch and even more importantly, why you see relationships as some kind of a competition with other women? That mindset is pretty much guaranteed to lead you into terrible toxic relationships every single time. I really hope that this experience leads to you working hard on sorting yourself out and learning how to choose relationships better. If you look back more honestly, you'll realize that he was to you exactly what he said - an a hole, just like the other woman and the next woman. Don't be so easily dazzled by superficial qualities in people - looks, career, talk. Look instead at how they make you feel and when the answer is not good, walk away.

  11. #30
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Lambert
    Having gone through something similar and survived! Not just survived, but thrived... My heart goes out to you.

    My best advice is to focus whole heatedly on yourself. Examine your feelings and love yourself through it. Forgive yourself for how you acted, how you feel, for settling.

    Appreciate yourself for your kindness to him, understanding of him and all the ways you were good to him and there for him. Then take that kindness and appreciation and give it to yourself.

    Find some good affirmations on the internet to help build better self talk. Read articles about controlling your thoughts.

    Cry it out and release... Then keep going! This guy is not all that... He's only special because you made him special.

    You are special because you love. All that love you feel for him? Thatís you! You care. Its OK to be jealous. You are hurting, but you won't always. This too shall pass....

    And let a little anger in.... Forget that loser user! He wouldn't know a good thing if it fell in his lap. Obviously! What a !

    PS... Don't worry about work. One day at a time.
    I love this response for it's empathy and kindness. Lambert, you make me recognize that I wish for my initial impulse to be about those aspects in myself rather than as practical as I tend to view things.

    However, I guess I also do see practicality as not being at odds to being kind to one's self.

    Sometimes figuring out how practical--in terms of payoff--that an emotional response can be will point me toward the best steps to take. Questioning what I intend to GET from my position helps me to move toward an actual goal rather than regretting my indulgence in some impulsive fantasy that I might hold about magic that has never worked with a given person before.

    So, if I want to manipulate someone toward viewing me through the lens I'd wish for them to adopt, then acting like an accusatory shrew would not accomplish that--no matter how emotionally satisfying that vent might feel at that moment. It's just NOT going to get me what I really want, because despite Hollywood dramas, the actual number of people who will respond well to accusations and cop to a villain role would be--realistically--ZERO.

    No matter how kind or furious I may feel toward a 'target,' I've come to learn that fury NEVER works as good guidance for decision making. If I can cool down--not to be confused with forgiveness, which may or may not come later--then my kindness response can kick in toward my SELF first. From there I can make the most rational and practical and self preserving choices that I won't regret later.

    OP, head high, and know that you will get through this. People like Lambert along with the rest of us are here to help. Or to try. ; )

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