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Thread: How to Get Closure After Being the Rebound

  1. #11
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    CL, I too am happy to see you back!

    Be glad that he was at least honest with you about all communication and love for his ex.

    Don't contact him. This isn't to spite him. It's to give you a safe distance to heal and really focus on you. There is nothing else that this person needs to know about you. Focus on healing and not seeking validation from him. The real person you need to make amends with is yourself.

  2. #12
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle

    My personal thoughts? I would scratch the word “rebound” from this entire story. Main reason? I fear, in this case, it’s a way to make “sense” out of it all in a way that makes you a victim, emotionally steamrolled by another person and the circumstances of another person’s life. Per some larger themes here, it minimizes you and maximizes him.

    D
    I agree with this. So many people come here and ask "Do you think my ex had a personality disorder" or "Was my ex an avoidant attachment style" to explain things when the more likely story is it was two mismatched people, he/she wasn't invested as the other party, etc.

  3. #13
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Making him a mirror to your self-improvement, needing him to “see” that and validate it?
    My ex kept raising the bar on what would make me good enough....it always changed...

  4. #14
    Bronze Member ConfusedLady21's Avatar
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    I can't help but to be jealous of his ex, and I am not usually jealous at all

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by ConfusedLady21
    I can't help but to be jealous of his ex, and I am not usually jealous at all
    Well, they're not together either, so there's that.

    She obviously doesn't want to be with him. I'm sure she has good reasons for that.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by ConfusedLady21
    I can't help but to be jealous of his ex, and I am not usually jealous at all
    As you feel your way through these feelings, explore this. Questions like: Why the commitment to something/someone that triggered so many discomforting feelings, like jealousy? Was it a “challenge?” And so on...

    Find answers to questions like that—and we’re here to listen—and you’ll find power, information that resets the gauges a bit, so in the future such feelings are processed differently—namely as static rather than sparks. Big picture, I think you’ll find much more peace and strength in taking this sort of route, rather than one where peace comes from knowing what he was “doing” the whole time.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member Blue68's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by ConfusedLady21
    I hate the feeling of not talking to him ever again. I would like to have at least one more text to let him know how I am improving and how incredibly hurtful it is to be someone's rebound. I want him to know that I know what he was doing. I actually loved him.
    If you text him then he won’t see you as having improved at all. The best way to show that is by showing him you don’t need to have any form of contact with him. I know you have things that you would like to say to him but he won’t want to hear them and he won’t thank you for telling him. It will have the opposite effect to the one you are hoping.

  9. #18
    Bronze Member ConfusedLady21's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    As you feel your way through these feelings, explore this. Questions like: Why the commitment to something/someone that triggered so many discomforting feelings, like jealousy? Was it a “challenge?” And so on...

    Find answers to questions like that—and we’re here to listen—and you’ll find power, information that resets the gauges a bit, so in the future such feelings are processed differently—namely as static rather than sparks. Big picture, I think you’ll find much more peace and strength in taking this sort of route, rather than one where peace comes from knowing what he was “doing” the whole time.
    I was jealous of her even though I didn't personally know her. She was with him for 3 years and my boyfriend wanted to marry her. I wanted more time and a lengthier relationship with my boyfriend. I wanted to marry him. She did something right in his eyes and I didn't. He loved her but he didn't love me.
    And I felt incompetent. I felt like I couldn't live up to what he once had. And now after doing research about her, she seems to have her professional ducks in a row. That's simply not the case for me. She was interested in everything he enjoys. And I was concerned about not having enough in common with him. Apparently she acted way more mature than me. It was a negative whisper in the back of my head that I was not able to compare. He texted her all the time. And he was nice to her and picked his words carefully when addressing her but he was cold to me.
    It's frustrating.

  10. #19
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    All that means is he wasn't the right man for you.

    Everything you are and everything you've accomplished will be the right match for the right man.

    This man was not the right man for you.

  11. #20
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I found something peculiar I didn't mention earlier in your first post. His ex didn't want to take a risk marrying him? What risk do you think this involves?

    I ask because it sounds like she saw warning signs and red flags. I think the relationship you had with him is between the both of you (unique, beautiful, wonderful while it lasted and pertaining only to the dynamic that you both shared) but hindsight can be 20/20 and people generally don't make radical changes in their personalities. There are similar patterns over time.

    I know it's painful to be compared or feel like you're being compared to someone else. I hope you realize this doesn't mean you are completely defective, unlovable or like there's something so wrong with you that you won't be able to find love again (genuine, kind and honest love).

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