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Thread: Friend's boyfriend is bad news

  1. #1
    Join Date
    May 2020

    Friend's boyfriend is bad news

    I think I've posted before about how my friend is in an ultimately bad relationship, despite how much she says "he's changed" (somehow he miraculously changed from a narcissitic, manipulative in 3 weeks) I just have this awful gut-sinking feeling about it all. My friend and I used to be super close but once she took him back after that break up, we've really drifted. Primarily because she confided in me most about everything up until she took him back. She knows I don't really like this guy but am willing to tolerate him because it's the only way I can see/hang out with her. I feel bad saying I lost respect for her, I want to help her see her worth but I just don't know what to do about it. Has anyone else had a friend in a toxic relationship? How can I help her ditch this jerk and not lose the friendship?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2015
    I think Rose Mosse gave you some great advice here:
    [Register to see the link]

  3. #3
    Platinum Member SooSad33's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2013
    How can I help her ditch this jerk and not lose the friendship?
    You can't really :/.
    Is up to her- the person who is emotionally invested in this jerk. So, is again up to her to see it,.
    She walked away once? That shows she did realize a few things.. Good!

    Ever hear of trauma bonding?
    Or how they 'cycle'?
    They play nice.. spoil their partners.. get them pulled in close again... then they will eventually put them thru hell again.. breaking them down.. Is awful.
    But this person who does this.. is really messed up- and Toxic!

    She needs to see this, though.
    Just be there for her,.. best you can when she hopefully comes to see how he really is and needs a shoulder.

    More one remains with ppl like this, more chance they need some prof help to get thru this... the damages & then to work on healing, etc.
    Really sucks, it does to see someone get mistreated :/.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2013
    Surrey BC, Canada
    She's an adult, she can figure it out on her own. You don't have to tolerate anything, you can find a new friend.


  6. #5
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Cloud Nine
    Unfortunately you can not 'make her ditch this jerk'. She may distance herself after complaining to you about him. You need to stop taking sides. If she dates people you don't like distance yourself from her.
    Originally Posted by youngnotdumb
    How can I help her ditch this jerk and not lose the friendship?

  7. #6
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2016
    Unfortunately, you can't make her ditch this man. She has to want to do so herself.

    The truth is that your friend also has some deeper issues if she keeps returning to a toxic person. Unless and until she comes to that realization and wants to get better, you can't do anything.

    If you find it difficult to be around her when she's gone back to him, you might want to consider taking some healthy space for yourself. I understand the frustration, having been in your shoes, but we can't overly invest our own emotions in a situation like this. Sometimes we need a wider berth to gain some inner calm.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2019
    Both my sister and cousin married jerks. There's nothing I can do about it. It's their choice, their life. This is the same for your girlfriend. It's her life and you're going to have to let her live it. 'She made her bed and now she must lie in it' means she is responsible for her own decisions and its harsh consequences. All you can do is keep your mouth shut. Don't insert your opinions and judgments. With all due respect, mind your own business.

    I know you mean well and your intentions are good, however, your friend is not your responsibility. She's a big girl and she's in charge of navigating herself good, bad or indifferent.

    You can't "help" her. This is not your place to do so. If your friendship with your friend fails, be prepared to drift apart and go your separate ways. Or, step back and enforce healthy boundaries for yourself. Don't get involved in other people's lives. You can still remain polite, respectful yet at a safe distance. This is what I do. Every relationship or friendship was not meant to always be chummy and close. Borders and boundaries are good. Don't immerse yourself into your friend's personal life. Learn to stay out of it for your safety's sake and respect her privacy as well.

    Unfortunately, friendships change due to whom we choose to have relationships with such as significant others, partners, spouses, etc. Not every friendship endures.

    I have a friend who is going through difficult times with her husband, mother, brothers and son yet all I do is listen while saying a nary a word of criticism regarding whom she married nor say anything negative regarding her relatives. I listen and it's all I do. She is the one who needs to figure out what to do with her life and burdens. Sometimes, people aren't looking for help. All they want from you is a set of ears and be a great listener, never interrupt nor insert your opinions. They want your compassion without judgment. Even if you know these people whom they associate with are jerks, it's not anyone's place to actually say it on the phone, in writing or in person. That description is to be kept to only yourself.

    Be careful with friends. It's a delicate dance to keep some friendships afloat. If you're truly uncomfortable with your friend's toxic relationship, then you have the freedom to eventually dissolve your friendship with her.


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