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Thread: How to stop having one sided conversations?

  1. #21
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Get a FB high school group going or start a reunion page.

  2. #22
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    Originally Posted by FairyGodmother
    This is a really interesting question. I did ask myself after the call when I felt like everything had gone all wrong, "what were you hoping to get out of this?".

    I guess to a certain extent it was nostalgia. I wanted to re-experience some of the easy-going, generally hilarious, friendship we had in high school 10+ years ago. They also had first hand experience of how my home life was, hint: not good, and I feel like that gave us a unique relationship as compared to other friends I've had.

    I also thought that we maybe had more in common than what we actually do. I am starting to realize that maybe we can't just jump back into our friendship as it was when we left it. I need to get to know them all over again. And it's hard because I think we might have a different perspective on alot of things, which was surprising to me.
    So to me that's the main issue -your very specific expectations going into a call with people you hadn't spoken to in years. I can be like that too and had a boyfriend years ago where our communication didn't work well for me -I felt like our conversations were forced especially when out for dinner at nice restaurant. One night we spent hours in a parked car outside his brother's home - because his brother hadn't gotten home yet and we'd forgotten to get the key. Bad weather too lol. We ended up having the best conversation -I distinctly remember part of it was our detailed opinions about pop tarts which is a toaster pastry. The conversation just flowed from topic to topic -some deep like pop tarts others not as (lol). I had no expectations of course other than hoping his brother would come home soon because of the weather conditions! I think your expectations kind of self-sabotaged your enjoyment of the call.

    As far as them knowing your past - I can totally see where they may not have wanted to bring that up.

    I highly recommend the book The Girls From Ames. I think you would love it on this sort of topic.

  3. #23
    Platinum Member LaHermes's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by FairyGodmother
    This is a really interesting question. I did ask myself after the call when I felt like everything had gone all wrong, "what were you hoping to get out of this?".

    I guess to a certain extent it was nostalgia. I wanted to re-experience some of the easy-going, generally hilarious, friendship we had in high school 10+ years ago. They also had first hand experience of how my home life was, hint: not good, and I feel like that gave us a unique relationship as compared to other friends I've had.

    I also thought that we maybe had more in common than what we actually do. I am starting to realize that maybe we can't just jump back into our friendship as it was when we left it. I need to get to know them all over again. And it's hard because I think we might have a different perspective on alot of things, which was surprising to me.
    FairyG.

    Your realization is correct.

    No truer saying than this:

    "The past is a foreign country and they do things differently there."

    In the intervening ten years so much may have happened in the lives of your school friends, and much of it may not have been that good, so perhaps they might wish to leave the past where it is.

    Merely a suggestion: maybe set up a new friendship, with people who did not have an appalling "home" life.

  4. #24
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by FairyGodmother
    5 years for two of them, and incidentally it was those two it was most awkward with (maybe that should tell me something). I speak to the third one more reguarly.
    Originally Posted by FairyGodmother
    One of them actually messaged me yesterday to explain that she was upset about something, and that's why she was kind of weird on the call.
    I hope it makes you feel better to hear this. I think it actually explains a lot!

    Originally Posted by FairyGodmother
    we all had really bad home lives. There was alot of physical/emotional abuse, and in a way we were such good friends because we perfectly understood each other's situation. Our friendship was based on alot of avoidance i.e. fun, light hearted, care-free.
    I have a group of friends like this. We spent part of our lives growing up together, and coping with difficulties together. I reconnected with them when I joined facebook in 2009, 14 years after we graduated high school. They are among my most cherished friendships, even though a lot has changed over the years and we are at different places in our lives. It's not all smooth sailing. Some of them dislike each other and there is tension between them. But we really know each other, despite those differences. It's nice to be with people who really know you.

    So, I hope you won't give up on this idea, because it can be very rewarding.

    Originally Posted by FairyGodmother
    So, without thinking, I asked them about their personal lives on the video call because we used to know everything about each other. But they were super reluctant and uncomfortable talking about themselves overall. And it felt really weird and superficial to not know anything of substance about where they live and what they're doing but talk about pop culture?
    I think that some of the obstacles you're facing are physical distance and Zoom. Zoom puts a lot of pressure on the individual. Your friends were probably feeling that five year communication gap just as you were. Doesn't necessarily mean they weren't open to conversation. It can just seem overwhelming when you have a camera staring you in the face. Reunions like this are easier in a room full of people, where you can move around freely, have private conversations, etc.

    So, for the time being, you may have to take a different tack. When I hang out with those girlfriends, we don't sit around and rehash the past. We don't even really talk about the present so much (although that does happen, especially with the girls who have families). We just mainly hang out.

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  6. #25
    Wow, I FELT this. I do the same thing.

  7. Yesterday, 05:21 PM

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