Should I give up all hope?

My girlfriend and I (F/F) have been broken up till the end of March (both 21 years and in a stable and happy relationship for 2 years). The relationship has always been great, we were made for eachother and everything seemed to go perfectly until the last two months.

In September 2019 I spent a six-month internship, until February 2020, in which we saw only one week in November and for the Christmas holidays and everything was wonderful like always (she told me that). I came back from this experience at the beginning of February and she tells me that she loves me but that it’s not like the start of the relationship.

I panic and we spend all February to see few times and March to fight, until the beginning of quarantine because of the Coronavirus (we should have left together for a trip at the beginning of March, her idea to celebrate the two years anniversary, we were really looking for this trip to spend some time togheter after the six months apart. Until February everything was going well, we were going out like normally, she was fine with me and she said/demonstrated it continuously (she asked me to plan our holidays in the summer, talking about all the stuff that we wanted to do after the exams). In March we did nothing but fight, the quarantine (that started for my country at the very beginning of March) has led us to move even further and eventually to leave without even being able to see us.

Throughout the month she had been cold (always telling me that she loved me, but only as a response to my “I love you” but always chatting and facetiming eachother) and I did not help the situation, coming back from the six-month journey very sad and confused about my life and clinging to her to seek confirmation and seeing her as the only positive thing in my life.

The last day of the relationship (27th of March, the day before we had made a two hours videocall talking about light subjects) we talk normally and in the evening comes out the subject, she says that she loves me but it is no longer like before, that I deserve to be happy and she can not make me happy (it wasn’t unexpected as we talked about breaking up and never found the courage to do it because she loved me).

We call each other on the phone and we cry all the time, she apologizes for hurting me, she says that I’m a wonderful person and that I deserve the best but even if she tried so hard she couldn’t pretend to love me like before, that she wants to keep up with my life if and when I want, that she wanted to be there next to me to make me feel good even though she was the cause of my pain.

All through February and March we met about ten times (after five months apart) and we constantly talked about these problems, I couldn’t understand what she said to me (because I was afraid of losing her) and she didn’t understand why she felt this way towards me, accusing herself and crying all the time while I was trying to pretend that was all like before.

She also added that it would be more correct to see and talk about it in person (she added this during the breakup, but even in the days before, adding that we were trying to resolve issues but the quarantine had blocked us) but because of Coronavirus could not continue to make me feel bad (I was constantly on the phone hoping she would write to me, ask me to call us and I was no longer finding the strength to do anything) for at least another two months and resolve this situation at the end of the quarantine. She never explicitly told me that she no longer loved me, only that the love she felt was no longer the same as before and that she preferred to leave and break up with a good memory rather than continue something that would make us hate in the end.

Immediately after the breakup I started no contact because I needed some time apart (I told her to not write me for some time), working on myself to feel good, solving the problems that I had, still working on it.

She didn't write me for my birthday at the start of May and I wrote to her a text 10 days after, asking how she was and she immediately responded, apologizing for not contacting me on my birthday because she didn’t want to intrude or ruin my day (I didn't even mention my birthday in the first text). We talked a little bit about college, and I told her I wanted to see her and talk about what I realized in this two months apart. She told me that she didn’t expecting this, asked me what I thought, and that she didn’t think it was a good idea to see eachother. I explained that I had been thinking a lot about what had happened and I would like to tell her and listen to her thoughts (because when we broke up we were both crying and upset), she told me that seeing us would not be a good idea.

She added that she didn’t want to hurt me by refusing to met, but neither did she want to start the process of getting better again, adding that she has only positive memories about me, but that she couldn’t see me now. She said she’d want to hear from me in the future about how I’m doing and what’s new in my life because she care about me and she loves me, but seeing me now would be hurting herself.

I asked her why she thought I wrote to her and she said that she thought I wanted to know how she was doing, that she was glad to hear from me and that she would write to me in the future too. She added that even this conversation upset her, that it’s too soon for her to write me and she can’t handle the emotions she caused her; that she can’t go back to how she was two months ago because she’s trying to get better slowly and see me would make her panic (she told me that just chatting with me had her struggle)

I asked her how to behave to respect her spaces, she told me that in the future we will write to know how we are doing and how it’s going, but it’s too soon now. She wished me luck and the conversation was over.

This was not an abusive relationship on either side, either physically or mentally. It was a healthy, respectful relationship. (I feel the urge to add this because I was shocked by such a sudden reaction, she seemed afraid of confrontation, afraid of me.)

I care about her, I don’t want to do anything to hurt her and a month is passed, so how should I behave?

I also care for my mental health and this situation feels to me like it doesn't have a proper end, with her not being clear for the reasons in the breakup and expressing the will to talk to me again in the future.

Why did she react like that? (it seems that I dumped her and then write to her again when it was her decision that I accepted, she made all by herself).

Should I give up hope of starting a relationship with her again? Why did her feel the need to tell me that in the future we will talk to eachother and see how it goes?

I already heard to "give up, move on, forget her" and I'm doing it (I'm not crying everyday in my room, I take care of myself and all that inspirational stuff). I'm looking for a serious opinion on this situation.

She still see all my stories and my friends's stories on Instagram and she had put a "like" in my Instagram post yesterday (it was a picture of me).

I should mention that in September she will move away from our city due to study and I still don’t know if I’m gonna go in the same city as her (for study reasons) or I’m gonna stay in our current city. (I’m adressing this thing because at the end of the relationship she was very concerned about it and didn’t see a future for us as a couple in a distance relationship, after that we spent five months apart).

Thanks for your time :)

Hi pinco. Welcome to eNA.

Sorry you are going through is.

Unfortunately, sometimes people just grow apart and although you feel exactly the same was as you first did, her feelings towards you have changed. She still cares about you as a person though and she is undoubtedly upset at the hurt she is causing you.

I think she has been as clear as she can be - that she no longer feels the same. As to why though, she doesn't know. She has no answer for that. Therefore, she can't give you a clearer answer.

You had a good relationship and she will miss certain aspects of that but it doesn't change the fact that she is ready to move on.

As to why she said that you will have contact in the future ... well, it could be one of two things. She could be setting it as a landmark for you both to look towards to help you move forwards or she could have said it because she thought it would help you to hear that. Sometimes when we are backed into a corner we say things that we think someone wants to hear ... or something that will at least help that person at that moment in time.

"Hope" is a natural coping mechanism and we hold on to it until we are ready to let go. Letting go is a gradual process. Someone once said to me that there is nothing wrong with holding on to a little bit of hope whilst still making steps forward. I agree with that. Go back to NC. Take one day at a time. Try to focus on your studies and doing things you enjoy. When it comes to where you want to do your studies, I would stay where you are. I see little point in following her. It is better to pave your way forwards without her being your focus.

Should I give up hope of starting a relationship with her again?

Definitely.

From what you wrote, two things seem very clear to me:

1. She truly cares for and feels affection for you, and

2. (most importantly) she definitely wants out of this relationship.

The two things are not mutually exclusive.

Believe it or not, this is a very proper end.

Knowing her, I know she wouldn’t say anything to make me feel good without actually believing it, she always preferred to tell me the truth and make me feel bad rather than lie to me to make things better.

I agree to go on without totally leaving hope, that’s what I’ve been doing for months and I’ve had a lot of progress (although she always has a place in my thoughts).

The possibility of studying in the same city is independent of getting back together or not, but the future university I could go to is located in the same city where she will study (It’s seriously a coincidence, I don’t choose my job and my future life just for a relationship or a reconquest).

I didn't mean to offend. I genuinely thought you were trying to make up your mind as to whether or not you should go to where she is/will be.

Do you have other university options?

No offense, really :)

I have other options but they’re not as good as the one in the same city and I’m waiting to make a decision because I don’t want it to be dictated by the rush or the bad expectations.

No offense, really :)

 

I have other options but they’re not as good as the one in the same city and I’m waiting to make a decision because I don’t want it to be dictated by the rush or the bad expectations.

I can understand that and it's going to be a tough decision to make. As a parent, who has a daughter at Uni, I wouldn't want her to lose out on the best education based on a relationship that I know she will eventually get over. However, neither would I want her education thwarted by emotions due to her ex always being on the distant horizons.

Have you spoken about that? Should you end up in the same City? Will she be at the University too or just in the same City as?

No offense, really :)

 

I have other options but they’re not as good as the one in the same city and I’m waiting to make a decision because I don’t want it to be dictated by the rush or the bad expectations.

Keep on, keeping on, as the saying goes. It hurts and its going to take time.

I would not focus on hope for the relationship. Instead focus on hope for your future. Making good choices that support the life you ultimately want.

Someone we love, may be wonderful, but if they choose to step away, that absolutely proves there is better (for you) out there!

I don't mean this in a condescending way. In time, you will see, you have so many experiences yet to come. They will change you and shape you, in ways you can't even imagine right now. accept that your story is just getting started and the future will take care of itself, if you make good choices with your time and effort now.

Appreciate what it was, but know you deserve better. Maybe hop off social media for a while. I know you don't want to block or unfriend her, but that would be best.

You could always say (if asked) you understood her need to break up. She needs to understand your need to not see her.... Like SHE said, in the future you will be to each other what you are meant to be... But for now, a clean break is needed.

The relationship is definitely over. Welcome to the forums. I'm very sorry you're going through this.

I think she is right to keep that distance between the both of you and it showed consideration and compassion on her part not to reach out on your birthday. I know that sounds hard but she's surprisingly thinking of your best interests also. She seems very respectful of you and she is also mindful of her own boundaries.

I second the thought about focusing on your future and your studies. Don't hold yourself back or hope for anything to come of this.

Thank you all for your answers and your time.

I am a little puzzled by the certainty that everyone says "it’s over, go on because there is no more hope", without even making an attempt at reconciliation.

Maybe I’m stubborn or maybe I’ve come to the point of being comfortable with myself without having my ex next to me, but to consider her only as added happiness in my life.

I am fully aware that the relationship is over but I cannot see clearly that it DEFINITELY cannot start again, especially with her who responded to my messages, was very happy to hear from me and spoke on more than one occasion to hear from us in the future.

With this I am not saying it is useful to hope until the end, but if you want something for the right reasons is not correct also try to fight before give up?

As for the university, no, we never talked about going to the same university. I discovered a course of studies that I could be interested in in that city only after we broke up (fate sometimes makes you smile a lot).

I am a little puzzled by the certainty that everyone says "it’s over, go on because there is no more hope", without even making an attempt at reconciliation.

Reconciliation for what?

She's made it clear that she doesn't want this relationship.

There's nothing to reconcile, no misunderstanding with her.

It is simply her wish.

if you want something for the right reasons is not correct also try to fight before give up?

When someone tells you that they don't want to be with you, it is not correct to fight them on that. It's disrespectful of their wishes.

If you want to put your life on hold indefinitely, that's on you. But don't disrespect her wishes by continuing to pursue her when she has told you that she doesn't want to be with you.

I agree with you, it’s disrespectful when you’re told you don’t want to be with you anymore.

The problem with this situation is that it’s never been said that she never want to be with me again, like she never told that she doesn't love me anymore, or that I have to disappear from her life, start a life again and stuff like that.

The only explanation I had, and for me that was enough, was that the love was no longer the same but she still loved me (the fact that it was no longer the same after five separate months and three months of quarantine does not seem so strange to me).

Pinco, my heart is hurting to read what you're writing because I can definitely see where all the gray areas are. The problem is when someone stops and doesn't want to be present anymore in the way that constitutes or makes a relationship... well, a relationship, to you, it means it's also not fulfilling enough to consider it a viable option anymore.

I see where the confusion lies.

You're in so much pain right now and trying to recover what was lost that you haven't lived through yet what the lack of her presence means. Does this make sense? It doesn't seem like you've realized that she's really gone.

It'll take time for it to sink in. She wasn't there to wish you on your bday, she's declined meeting with you again etc. These were what made your relationship with someone real or special. Those things have stopped.

Take time. See how time unfolds things for now. I think she is showing you she doesn't want to be with you anymore even though she is not so good at saying it.

I agree with you, it’s disrespectful when you’re told you don’t want to be with you anymore.

I think something may have gotten lost in translation here. It doesn't sound like you understood what I meant.

She told you that she didn't want to be with you. That is not disrespectful; it is truthful.

You would be disrespectful of her wishes if you continue to pursue a relationship with her, knowing that she does not want a relationship with you.

The problem with this situation is that it’s never been said that she never want to be with me again, like she never told that she doesn't love me anymore, or that I have to disappear from her life, start a life again and stuff like that.

She may not have said those exact words, but I think you are doing yourself a disservice if you think this means that she wants to resume a relationship with you in the future.

Pretty much everything you described indicates that she wants to maintain the distance between you indefinitely.

Sorry to hear this. The main theme with her is that she can not deal with long distance. The first fragmentation was after the distance and she cited it again when discussing why getting back together won't work.

I like the idea that fight hard before give up. I always thinking that if some thing was wrong, we should try to fix it before throw it in the trash bins. Maybe you are one of many people learn thing in a hard way, whose have to experience hurt so badly, like a big slap on the face before give up. Just like me. I did try to get my ex back for 4 months although firstly, he told me clearly give him some time but I pushed him to the end that he has to say he doesn’t love me anymore. He dated other girl- nothing serious but just to show him that he is over me.

So from my experience that strictly stay NC, give her some time, also give yourself some time to heal and calm down. Work on yourself. Now you and her both have very hot head then try to talk to work thing out may be not the best idea.

Thank you all for your answers and your time.

I am a little puzzled by the certainty that everyone says "it’s over, go on because there is no more hope", without even making an attempt at reconciliation.

Maybe I’m stubborn or maybe I’ve come to the point of being comfortable with myself without having my ex next to me, but to consider her only as added happiness in my life.

I am fully aware that the relationship is over but I cannot see clearly that it DEFINITELY cannot start again, especially with her who responded to my messages, was very happy to hear from me and spoke on more than one occasion to hear from us in the future.

 

With this I am not saying it is useful to hope until the end, but if you want something for the right reasons is not correct also try to fight before give up?

 

As for the university, no, we never talked about going to the same university. I discovered a course of studies that I could be interested in in that city only after we broke up (fate sometimes makes you smile a lot).

It's not about being stubborn or giving up. It is about finding the strength to accept the situation for what it is and letting go.

What I was trying to say about hope, is that it is a part of the healing process and another emotion you have to work through. Unfortunately, as with other emotions, it isn't something we can turn off at the flick of a switch. We can't stop hurting and we can't stop hoping just because we are told to do so. It is something you will inevitably let go of as you start to heal. It doesn't have to stop you from moving on. You need to recognise it for what it is, work through it and keep on keeping on (to quote Lambert).

If you are aware that the relationship is over then focus on that. Respect what your ex has said. She may be responding to your messages but you are the one initiating them. It's a kind of damned if you do, damned if you don't situation. Do you ignore an ex who is reaching out to you knowing that will hurt them more or do you reply to them knowing that it will ease their pain initially yet only serve to prolong it?

I always thinking that if some thing was wrong, we should try to fix it before throw it in the trash bins

Usually by then the time to fix it has long gone. The relationship is already in the trash bin!

Thank you all for your answers and your time.

I am a little puzzled by the certainty that everyone says "it’s over, go on because there is no more hope", without even making an attempt at reconciliation.

Maybe I’m stubborn or maybe I’ve come to the point of being comfortable with myself without having my ex next to me, but to consider her only as added happiness in my life.

I am fully aware that the relationship is over but I cannot see clearly that it DEFINITELY cannot start again, especially with her who responded to my messages, was very happy to hear from me and spoke on more than one occasion to hear from us in the future.

 

With this I am not saying it is useful to hope until the end, but if you want something for the right reasons is not correct also try to fight before give up?

 

As for the university, no, we never talked about going to the same university. I discovered a course of studies that I could be interested in in that city only after we broke up (fate sometimes makes you smile a lot).

You can only live one moment at a time. And my advice is to not live for a what if in the future. If that makes sense.

Unfortunately, when someone chooses to leave us, we must let them go. It's not up to us to decide there is value in saving things. Because BOTH people must see this and take action.

The only thing you can do is release with peace. And that is easy and quick to say. However, it is a challenging and timely process.

Whether I have been the dumper or the dumped, it's not a switch to flipped. It is a lot of processing. And the less said to the other person the better. It limits hurting each other more.