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Thread: Should I give up all hope?

  1. #11
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by pinco
    I am a little puzzled by the certainty that everyone says "itís over, go on because there is no more hope", without even making an attempt at reconciliation.
    Reconciliation for what?

    She's made it clear that she doesn't want this relationship.

    There's nothing to reconcile, no misunderstanding with her.

    It is simply her wish.

    Originally Posted by pinco
    if you want something for the right reasons is not correct also try to fight before give up?
    When someone tells you that they don't want to be with you, it is not correct to fight them on that. It's disrespectful of their wishes.

    If you want to put your life on hold indefinitely, that's on you. But don't disrespect her wishes by continuing to pursue her when she has told you that she doesn't want to be with you.

  2. #12

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    I agree with you, itís disrespectful when youíre told you donít want to be with you anymore.
    The problem with this situation is that itís never been said that she never want to be with me again, like she never told that she doesn't love me anymore, or that I have to disappear from her life, start a life again and stuff like that.

    The only explanation I had, and for me that was enough, was that the love was no longer the same but she still loved me (the fact that it was no longer the same after five separate months and three months of quarantine does not seem so strange to me).

  3. #13
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Pinco, my heart is hurting to read what you're writing because I can definitely see where all the gray areas are. The problem is when someone stops and doesn't want to be present anymore in the way that constitutes or makes a relationship... well, a relationship, to you, it means it's also not fulfilling enough to consider it a viable option anymore.

    I see where the confusion lies.

    You're in so much pain right now and trying to recover what was lost that you haven't lived through yet what the lack of her presence means. Does this make sense? It doesn't seem like you've realized that she's really gone.

    It'll take time for it to sink in. She wasn't there to wish you on your bday, she's declined meeting with you again etc. These were what made your relationship with someone real or special. Those things have stopped.

    Take time. See how time unfolds things for now. I think she is showing you she doesn't want to be with you anymore even though she is not so good at saying it.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by pinco
    I agree with you, itís disrespectful when youíre told you donít want to be with you anymore.
    I think something may have gotten lost in translation here. It doesn't sound like you understood what I meant.

    She told you that she didn't want to be with you. That is not disrespectful; it is truthful.

    You would be disrespectful of her wishes if you continue to pursue a relationship with her, knowing that she does not want a relationship with you.

    Originally Posted by pinco
    The problem with this situation is that itís never been said that she never want to be with me again, like she never told that she doesn't love me anymore, or that I have to disappear from her life, start a life again and stuff like that.
    She may not have said those exact words, but I think you are doing yourself a disservice if you think this means that she wants to resume a relationship with you in the future.

    Pretty much everything you described indicates that she wants to maintain the distance between you indefinitely.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. The main theme with her is that she can not deal with long distance. The first fragmentation was after the distance and she cited it again when discussing why getting back together won't work.

  7. #16
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    I like the idea that fight hard before give up. I always thinking that if some thing was wrong, we should try to fix it before throw it in the trash bins. Maybe you are one of many people learn thing in a hard way, whose have to experience hurt so badly, like a big slap on the face before give up. Just like me. I did try to get my ex back for 4 months although firstly, he told me clearly give him some time but I pushed him to the end that he has to say he doesnít love me anymore. He dated other girl- nothing serious but just to show him that he is over me.
    So from my experience that strictly stay NC, give her some time, also give yourself some time to heal and calm down. Work on yourself. Now you and her both have very hot head then try to talk to work thing out may be not the best idea.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member Blue68's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by pinco
    Thank you all for your answers and your time.
    I am a little puzzled by the certainty that everyone says "itís over, go on because there is no more hope", without even making an attempt at reconciliation.
    Maybe Iím stubborn or maybe Iíve come to the point of being comfortable with myself without having my ex next to me, but to consider her only as added happiness in my life.
    I am fully aware that the relationship is over but I cannot see clearly that it DEFINITELY cannot start again, especially with her who responded to my messages, was very happy to hear from me and spoke on more than one occasion to hear from us in the future.

    With this I am not saying it is useful to hope until the end, but if you want something for the right reasons is not correct also try to fight before give up?

    As for the university, no, we never talked about going to the same university. I discovered a course of studies that I could be interested in in that city only after we broke up (fate sometimes makes you smile a lot).
    It's not about being stubborn or giving up. It is about finding the strength to accept the situation for what it is and letting go.

    What I was trying to say about hope, is that it is a part of the healing process and another emotion you have to work through. Unfortunately, as with other emotions, it isn't something we can turn off at the flick of a switch. We can't stop hurting and we can't stop hoping just because we are told to do so. It is something you will inevitably let go of as you start to heal. It doesn't have to stop you from moving on. You need to recognise it for what it is, work through it and keep on keeping on (to quote Lambert).

    If you are aware that the relationship is over then focus on that. Respect what your ex has said. She may be responding to your messages but you are the one initiating them. It's a kind of damned if you do, damned if you don't situation. Do you ignore an ex who is reaching out to you knowing that will hurt them more or do you reply to them knowing that it will ease their pain initially yet only serve to prolong it?
    Last edited by Blue68; 06-08-2020 at 10:12 AM.

  9. #18
    Platinum Member Blue68's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Bignomis
    I always thinking that if some thing was wrong, we should try to fix it before throw it in the trash bins
    Usually by then the time to fix it has long gone. The relationship is already in the trash bin!

  10. #19
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by pinco
    Thank you all for your answers and your time.
    I am a little puzzled by the certainty that everyone says "itís over, go on because there is no more hope", without even making an attempt at reconciliation.
    Maybe Iím stubborn or maybe Iíve come to the point of being comfortable with myself without having my ex next to me, but to consider her only as added happiness in my life.
    I am fully aware that the relationship is over but I cannot see clearly that it DEFINITELY cannot start again, especially with her who responded to my messages, was very happy to hear from me and spoke on more than one occasion to hear from us in the future.

    With this I am not saying it is useful to hope until the end, but if you want something for the right reasons is not correct also try to fight before give up?

    As for the university, no, we never talked about going to the same university. I discovered a course of studies that I could be interested in in that city only after we broke up (fate sometimes makes you smile a lot).
    Hi pinco.... I think what we are saying, or at least what I was saying is... Today, right now, it's over. Whether you say for now or forever, it's too soon to say.

    You can only live one moment at a time. And my advice is to not live for a what if in the future. If that makes sense.

    Unfortunately, when someone chooses to leave us, we must let them go. It's not up to us to decide there is value in saving things. Because BOTH people must see this and take action.

    The only thing you can do is release with peace. And that is easy and quick to say. However, it is a challenging and timely process.

    Whether I have been the dumper or the dumped, it's not a switch to flipped. It is a lot of processing. And the less said to the other person the better. It limits hurting each other more.

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