Feelings towards someone at work

Hi all, will try and keep this short. I started a new job back in Jan and I've had someone training me since I started (Me M25 , her F31). She's really good at her job and has taught me well, but since we've been working from home I've only had contact with her over skype and phone and I'm starting to come along now so need less and less training, thus less contact.

Anyway this week something has only ticked in me that I really like her. Like I had a sleepless night over her on Friday... what is that all about? 2 problems though, as far as she's aware she still thinks I'm in a relationship - which I'm not. But I don't want to just come out with it that I'm not together with my ex anymore. I messaged the girl from work on FB yesterday (something work related to break the ice) and she replied quite thoroughly but the conversation just went dead straight away.

Secondly, what with us still being isolated and working from home I'm not sure how to drop to her that I have feelings. I don't mind if she doesn't feel the same way, I get the whole working relationship can totally get in the way of things but I'd rather have closure than keep thinking about her.

I've never felt this way before, as I say she was training me for about 4-5 months and I never saw her more than just a work colleague/friend but over the past week it feels like someones gave me the biggest punch in the face realisation that actually I really like her.

Anyone had similiar experience?

Why does she think you are in a relationship?

Why does she think you are in a relationship?

Because when I started back in January it came up in conversation somewhere. I moved house around that time with my ex so I guess that's how she knows.

You are not in a relationship with her nor dating, so don't blurt out your feelings. Enjoy the crush and fantasies but don't make it awkward.

True true, just not sure how to handle the situation. When at work, sometimes she's really chatty with me and it almost feels like she's flirting at times. Other times she's really quiet and won't really talk. I guess that's just who she is as a person.

I would not confess your feelings to her. You don't know her well enough to know how she might react to that.

Instead, you could try to chat about non-work things, and see if she is even receptive. You could also try to slip into the conversation that you're single now and see if she picks up on it. This is dicey since you work together, so you need to err on the side of caution and proceed slowly, reading her cues along the way.

I would not confess your feelings to her. You don't know her well enough to know how she might react to that.

 

Instead, you could try to chat about non-work things, and see if she is even receptive. You could also try to slip into the conversation that you're single now and see if she picks up on it. This is dicey since you work together, so you need to err on the side of caution and proceed slowly, reading her cues along the way.

I agree. Thank you.

I've been stung before playing the patient game. I was investing a lot of emotion/time/thought into a girl when I was younger, taking my time and not rushing things. Next thing I know there's a picture of her with another guy on her Myspace page. It hurt. My heads telling me to not fall for this one again but I understand. You are right. I know I'm still young(ish) but I've learnt that if things aren't meant to be then they aren't meant to be.

I would not confess your feelings to her. You don't know her well enough to know how she might react to that.

 

Instead, you could try to chat about non-work things, and see if she is even receptive. You could also try to slip into the conversation that you're single now and see if she picks up on it. This is dicey since you work together, so you need to err on the side of caution and proceed slowly, reading her cues along the way.

I heartily agree.

I also recommend waiting until you're back in the office to act on any of this.

You're not that far out of your last relationship, and you've been isolated for several months. You could have a special kind of rebound-fueled cabin fever.

This is also a new job and where new jobs are concerned at this time they don't appear very often. Be very cautious.

When again did your last relationship end? Was it this year?

If so, things seem a bit too soon. Take a breather. Don't do anything virtual. Spend more time in person. Don't share your feelings - just ask her out later in the year if you see her again in person if you absolutely must.

Do you see qualities in this new person that you didn't see in your ex? I ask out of curiosity.

Great input here. Does she supervise you in an ongoing way? (I originally met my husband at work!)

This is also a new job and where new jobs are concerned at this time they don't appear very often. Be very cautious.

 

When again did your last relationship end? Was it this year?

 

If so, things seem a bit too soon. Take a breather. Don't do anything virtual. Spend more time in person. Don't share your feelings - just ask her out later in the year if you see her again in person if you absolutely must.

 

Do you see qualities in this new person that you didn't see in your ex? I ask out of curiosity.

We split around April time. I’m living on my own now so finding myself lonely at times, especially during lock down.

Again, I absolutely agree with you regarding the job front. Without going too deep into it I landed on my feet with this job and for the first time in my life I’m enjoying work and earning a good wage. I’d hate to jeopardise anything.

Interesting point about the qualities between the 2 of them. I haven’t gave it much thought but they are quite the opposite of each other - although I see where you’re coming from.

It’s hard now because she will end up checking up on me at some point tomorrow, so I can’t exactly ‘avoid’ her and let my feelings subside for a while. I want to remain friends with her as well as her Continuing being my mentor because she genuinely Is teaching me a lot. If I avoid her my progression will slow down, if I don’t my feelings could potentially grow stronger.

I’m not making excuses, it’s just how my ridiculous brain operates. Thanks for your reply.

Great input here. Does she supervise you in an ongoing way? (I originally met my husband at work!)

She recently landed a supervisor role for an area which includes mine so yeah, but when I first joined and met her she was the same role as mine.

How do you know she thinks you are in a relationship? How does she know about it? is she from a different department like training? Tread carefully, these days we need to check hr policies before even thinking of a relationship.

If things dont work out it might just impact performance for both of you and the whole environment becomes difficult to work.

I would wait till the pandemic eases off, sometimes being in isolation we tend to lean on to people for support, its a human thing sometimes happens without your control over it.

Ok the covid thing is wreaking havoc with a lot of people all over including isolation, loneliness, being stir crazy, etc. Add in a recent break up, so go easy on yourself. If this was a friendly face during that time, it may explain the feeling of attachment. So just breathe deep realize she may have represented happier or more normal times.

Try to normalize things outside of the training sessions. Reach out to old friends, relatives, classmates coworkers, etc. Refresh and reset your social media. Add some new pics and posts. Comment on friends posts,etc. Create some action.

Connect with friends, classmates, alumni, coworkers, former coworkers, etc on LinkedIn. Develop a LinkedIn profile. Start with a professional looking head shot. Build a profile from education, jobs, experience skills, etc. Upload your contact list to see who you may already know on there and start making 'connections', search for former employers, friends, classmates, etc. List some professional organizations. Also create action by 'liking' posts or following causes, companies, people, etc.

In other words use this time to not only train and make new connections at work, use it to retool your private and professional life in general. Reach out to people. generate some movement and activity to get out of the doldrums.

I’m living on my own now so finding myself lonely at times, especially during lock down.

I want to remain friends with her as well as her Continuing being my mentor because she genuinely Is teaching me a lot.

I think Wiseman's tips are so helpful. It does very much help to reach out to others. I think I did it too much though and the backlash was feeling so much of others' emotions that were so overwhelming for me I had to practice safe emotional distancing also. There is a lot of negative energy out there in combination with world events and the pandemic. We can't control what others put out so keep taking care of yourself. I feel stronger now but it's funny that the support that was helpful to me at one time ended up being detrimental over a longer period of time. I try to be there for friends and family but when things get a little too familiar, it's good to draw some boundaries. I hope you know what I mean.

I only asked about any qualities because I was curious how you see yourself in relation to dating or with another person.

Yes, definitely do keep up with your work and don't cut back on any progress that you are making at work! Good job getting this position and enjoying what you're doing.

I think it's ok to have crushes by the way. I think the harder you try to squash it all out the worse it gets. Just cruise and ride the waves. You mentioned she's very good at her job and you enjoy or like what you do. This translates to a high degree of respect, to me. I have intellectual crushes on those I respect! Just keep it that way and put things in perspective.

More new relationships end than last forever. If you dated and it didn't work out, it would be awkward or uncomfortable to see each other at work everyday. Especially since she's moving into management, it will limit what area you can work and under whom if you two started dating.

I'd give yourself time to be solo for a while, lonely as it can be. Depends how long that should be according to the length of your last relationship.

When you're ready to date again, try Meetup.com groups when social distancing has lessened. At your age, the pool of single women you can meet in your age group is huge. I'd keep pleasure separate than business. I know I wouldn't want to work with my husband. I like it that we can miss each other when apart during the day. We also have work stories that are different to tell each other every day. Too much of a good thing, being together 24/7, gets old quickly.

I would avoid mixing business with pleasure if she is a supervisor.

Sweet that you're doing well in your current job!!

I think people's suggestions here are on point. I'd be cautious to get involved with a supervisor who is in charge of your department. If she was from another unrelated department it'd be a slightly different story as plenty of people meet at work.

Also, we cannot rely on our emotions during this pandemic. I learned it the hard way.