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I think he’s cheating


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Hello everyone I am new here. I guess I need to talk about what I am going through and doing it with strangers just seems easier. I’m so confused right now.

My husband has been friends with woman he once dated. I told him that I was uncomfortable with the friendship because he kept it secret for 5 years of our marriage and also for other things he did that broke my trust in him. He said he would end it but he lied. He swears they are just friends. Now I find out he sent her a picture of a tube of flavored lube on her birthday. What do I do? Is this marriage over?

 

Thanks

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Find out her phone # or better yet her address, then confront the woman. Tell her in a very forceful way to stay far away from your husband. He is married and its not to her. Make her feel embarrassed. If she works in the same office as your husband, ask to speak with his manager - then complain to him or her. This may cause enough embarrassment to halt whatever is going on.

 

Otherwise this will continue. Your husband won't stop it. Sitting by and doing nothing will change nothing.

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Find out her phone # or better yet her address, then confront the woman. Tell her in a very forceful way to stay far away from your husband. He is married and its not to her. Make her feel embarrassed. If she works in the same office as your husband, ask to speak with his manager - then complain to him or her. This may cause enough embarrassment to halt whatever is going on.

 

Otherwise this will continue. Your husband won't stop it. Sitting by and doing nothing will change nothing.

Do not do this! I’m sorry but this is terrible advice.

 

The problem is your husband. He has lied for 5 years, made her a priory over you, not cut contact and Is sending inappropriate messages. The marriage was over long ago. He is a cheat and does not respect you.

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Find out her phone # or better yet her address, then confront the woman. Tell her in a very forceful way to stay far away from your husband. He is married and its not to her. Make her feel embarrassed. If she works in the same office as your husband, ask to speak with his manager - then complain to him or her. This may cause enough embarrassment to halt whatever is going on.

 

Otherwise this will continue. Your husband won't stop it. Sitting by and doing nothing will change nothing.

 

Wow, I couldn’t disagree more. The other woman is not the problem— she didn’t marry OP and promise to be faithful. Why make scenes? The husband will just find new ways and people to cheat with.

 

MadJ, your marriage was over when you found out he had been lying for five years. He is dishonest, manipulative and a cheat. He is not respectful of you or your marriage. What are you getting out of this relationship that makes having a dishonest cheat living with you for the rest of your life worthwhile?

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Find out her phone # or better yet her address, then confront the woman. Tell her in a very forceful way to stay far away from your husband. He is married and its not to her. Make her feel embarrassed. If she works in the same office as your husband, ask to speak with his manager - then complain to him or her. This may cause enough embarrassment to halt whatever is going on.

 

No, don't follow this advice. It's not good and is to guaranteed to cause more problems than it solves.

 

First, can you clarify - what else has your husband done that betrayed your trust? And how did you come to find out about this woman and the picture he sent her?

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Thanks Everyone for the advice. I won’t approach the woman although Lord knows I’ve been tempted. But I know my husband is the problem. I found where he was sexting and sharing nudes with other women. I accidentally found nude pics of a coworker when looking at pics he’d taken in his tablet of our baby who was a newborn at the time. I confronted him and he swore it wasn’t physical with any of them. He swore he wanted our marriage and family. I wanted to believe him but I told him if he cut all of them off I would forgive and we would work to rebuild trust. I know it’s awful but I became insecure after that day and started spying on his phone and social media. Fast forward to today my baby is now seven and I guess nothing has changed.

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Ultimately you can't be sure 100% that he's cheating but you can be 100% he's a serial liar and completely untrustworthy. For me that would be enough to end it but I understand there's a little one in the middle so the end decision is yours. I just don't see how you can go in together personally as it means a lifetime of you turning a blind eye to his bad behaviour

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Please do NOT listen to @lorelifinn.

That person clearly is ok with being disrespected and thinking that controlling the other woman’s behaviour is the solution.

 

I realise you don’t want your marriage to be over , but your marriage was never the one you wanted. So it’s very ok for it to be over.

Make a get out plan. Consult a divorce lawyer. See what your future potentially holds after divorce and work with it.

 

Your husband has not lived up to your expectations of a husband nor most people’s expectations.

He just wants an “apparent” family life while doing whatever he wants.

That was his expectation of you!

 

Tell him that you are not the person he expects you to be and that he certainly isn’t what you or most expect him to be.

 

And leave.

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I'm sorry to hear this. I think it is best for you to exit the relationship. I know it's easier said than done and to be honest if it was just the first time he cheated/broke your trust I would've probably advised you to seek marriage counseling and see whether you can forgive him. However it's been going on for years and you are no longer at peace. Consider co-parenting set up. Don't confront the other woman. It's not worth it.

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I know it’s awful but I became insecure after that day and started spying on his phone and social media. Fast forward to today my baby is now seven and I guess nothing has changed.

 

It's human. He gave you very good reason not to trust him.

 

Obviously you can't spend your marriage monitoring him. But you have indeed learned that he hasn't changed. He's probably been cheating on and off for years, but got better at hiding it from you.

 

Now that you know he's still up to his old tricks and still not invested in your marriage - what are you prepared to do?

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Find out her phone # or better yet her address, then confront the woman. Tell her in a very forceful way to stay far away from your husband. He is married and its not to her. Make her feel embarrassed. If she works in the same office as your husband, ask to speak with his manager - then complain to him or her. This may cause enough embarrassment to halt whatever is going on.

 

Otherwise this will continue. Your husband won't stop it. Sitting by and doing nothing will change nothing.

 

When I was reading this, I was thinking “nooooo, this is bad advice” and that your husband is the person you should be approaching. This isn’t high school drama. Then I saw that everyone else felt exactly the same. I’m glad to hear that you have taken what others have said on board.

 

The issue is with your husband. He’s the one cheating on you. Even if not physically, then emotionally. They are certainly being risqué. He’s married. Whatever their connection, it’s wrong.

 

I know this is much easier said than done and it’s going to take a lot of strength on your part but it sounds as though it’s time to walk away from your marriage. After lying to you for 5 years, you gave him an opportunity to be a proper husband to you but he lied to you again. He has continued to disrespect you by not giving this woman up. Can you ever trust that he will?

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Please do NOT listen to @lorelifinn.

That person clearly is ok with being disrespected and thinking that controlling the other woman’s behaviour is the solution.

 

I realise you don’t want your marriage to be over , but your marriage was never the one you wanted. So it’s very ok for it to be over.

Make a get out plan. Consult a divorce lawyer. See what your future potentially holds after divorce and work with it.

 

Your husband has not lived up to your expectations of a husband nor most people’s expectations.

He just wants an “apparent” family life while doing whatever he wants.

That was his expectation of you!

 

Tell him that you are not the person he expects you to be and that he certainly isn’t what you or most expect him to be.

 

And leave.

 

Thank you. Yes my child will be devastated so I keep praying for him to be someone he keeps showing me he is not. I know you are right I just don’t know if I am strong enough. I am ashamed to admit that.

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It's human. He gave you very good reason not to trust him.

 

Obviously you can't spend your marriage monitoring him. But you have indeed learned that he hasn't changed. He's probably been cheating on and off for years, but got better at hiding it from you.

 

Now that you know he's still up to his old tricks and still not invested in your marriage - what are you prepared to do?

 

I know what I have to do but I’m terrified.

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It is only natural that you would want to confront this woman. Her participation in this is hurting you too but the reality is your husband is a serial cheat and is manipulating her and stringing her along too. I know her participation isn’t right but he’s the one in control here and he is probably lying to her about you and your marriage. Your husband is the common denominator when you look at all your problems past and present. It doesn’t sound as though anything has changed in 7 years. I doubt it ever will. Please give yourself the opportunity to eventually find someone who can love you properly.

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Sorry to hear this. Is this an arranged marriage? Why did he marry you rather than her? Do not contact or confront her. Direct this at your husband.

 

He is the problem, not her. Make an appointment with a marriage therapist and explain to him that your marriage is in deep trouble.The most disconcerting part is his lying and secrecy.

My husband has been friends with woman he once dated.

I told him that I was uncomfortable with the friendship because he kept it secret for 5 years

He said he would end it but he lied.

I find out he sent her a picture of a tube of flavored lube on her birthday.

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Thanks Everyone for the advice. I won’t approach the woman although Lord knows I’ve been tempted. But I know my husband is the problem. I found where he was sexting and sharing nudes with other women. I accidentally found nude pics of a coworker when looking at pics he’d taken in his tablet of our baby who was a newborn at the time. I confronted him and he swore it wasn’t physical with any of them. He swore he wanted our marriage and family. I wanted to believe him but I told him if he cut all of them off I would forgive and we would work to rebuild trust. I know it’s awful but I became insecure after that day and started spying on his phone and social media. Fast forward to today my baby is now seven and I guess nothing has changed.

 

You should have left him after you found all of that. He has been cheating all along. At the very least, he has been emotionally cheating, just as bad. I would bet money he has physically cheated.

 

He will never change, as he has shown you.

 

Your child will be a lot more devastated If they are exposed to a toxic environment and a father who cheats He has no respect for his family. This is much more damaging for a child.

 

I’m sorry you are going through this, but this is a terrible environment for you and your child. Do you work ?

 

Please get tested for STDs.

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Madj

 

I’m so sorry you’re going through this! You know you need to leave I’m sure but it’s not easy, which I get. Just think of your child and think of yourself. You both deserve a better family unit then this man who is nothing more then a cheat!

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Thank you. Yes my child will be devastated so I keep praying for him to be someone he keeps showing me he is not. I know you are right I just don’t know if I am strong enough. I am ashamed to admit that.

 

You have nothing to be ashamed of.

 

You are stronger than you realize.

 

He's got you wrapped up in his web of lies. You will never, ever change him. Give up on that.

 

Visualize yourself out of this relationship. Then take steps to get there. One step at a time. Slow and steady.

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Pray that you find a good lawyer, doctor and therapist. That is your strength. You need to get a private and confidential consultation with an attorney to review your options, you need to get tested for STDs, and get a referral to a therapist to help guide you through this.

 

If you keep your head in the sand you will be devastated down the road. They call it cheating because you are doing the heavy lifting of being a spouse/parent/partner and he's out playing with his "friend".

I keep praying for him to be someone he keeps showing me he is not. I just don’t know if I am strong enough.
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This is terrible. I second the STD testing that Holly mentioned earlier and Wiseman also.

 

Please get tested and take care of yourself and your child.

 

Absolutely do not put up with this anymore. It is Deception with a capital D.

 

You are terrified because you know what you've loved and what you've lost. MissCanuck had a fantastic view on it: Let that fact that he isn't terrified of blowing up his family motivate you to move on.

 

Do not stay in this place with your child. It may take awhile to plan or get your things in order but start and speak with a lawyer who can work with you.

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She is his mistress. He has never stopped seeing her. It's an assumption but it's very possible because it's not uncommon. I watched an special episode of Oprah "why men cheat" It's on youtube if you want to watch it. Some of the men on there admitted they never stopped seeing their mistresses when they got married. The entitlement was sickening.

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I would agree with Smackie. There's a good chance that he has always behaved this way whether it was with this woman in particular or the other women. But I would say there's a high probability that he has cheated over the course of your marriage and most likely with more than one woman.

 

Usually when you find something like pictures, it's just the tip of the iceberg.

Personally, I would have left him after finding the pictures. Coworkers don't send those kind of pics unless you've been sexual with them. The fact alone that he was talking with this woman enough to encourage her to send him pics like that, is enough for a divorce.

 

I know you wanted to turn a blind eye and believe that it wasn't an affair and wanted your marriage to work but you can't keep denying the obvious.

As difficult as it may be, you need to leave him and get a divorce.

To stay, will only bring you more misery in the long run. You will always feel suspicious/on edge/ depressed. Your self esteem with suffer as will your self confidence. Your child/children will feel the effects and could become very unhappy living in a house with two parents who are no longer in a happy and healthy marriage.

 

There are lots of reasons why you need to somehow find the strength and leave this man. He is a cheater and a liar and it's not going to go away.

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