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Thread: Horrible anxiety over moving in together

  1. #1
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    Horrible anxiety over moving in together

    Long story short, I had a beautiful romance with a wonderful woman who treats me great, but she is a single mom with 5 kids. I found out about the kids early on, and should have bolted right then and there, but she was so sweet and beautiful and sexy and I'd never gotten along so perfectly with any woman in my life. She saved me from terrible depression and we had great times together for 2 years, but now it's commitment time. She is financially strapped and I have been feeling bad about that since the beginning, and have helped her financially (and was happy to do so; she NEVER asked for help. I offered it unprompted.) But her being so poor really bothers me because I want her and her kids to have a safe place to live. Recently I started spending time with her kids (2 of whom are 4 and 5 yrs old and they adore me). I generally love kids and get on well with them, and her children are no exception; the problem is they're getting attached to me now, and I don't want to hurt them. She's talking about moving in together and I feel dread. Her ex-husband is a POS and I want nothing to do with him, but if I jump into this thing, I'll have to deal with this guy, share the kids with him, and basically give him power over my life. He can make trouble in many ways for us.

    I don't have an aversion to raising someone else's kids. That's not really the issue here. What I DO have a problem with is the size of this commitment (4 of these kids are still at home) and the uncertainty of dealing with the ex and whatever hassles he can send our way (which he will, I'm sure, as he'll always be angry at her for leaving him). This is not the life I envisioned for myself. So despite the fact that this woman is fantastic in every way aside from her baggage, I find myself feeling horrible dread over the prospect of moving her and her kids into my place. This woman loves me unreservedly and has told me many times that I'm the love of her life and if this doesn't work out, she's done looking for Mr Right and will remain single the rest of her life (she's 45). I'm not taking that literally, and she's beautiful so there's always going to be some man interested in her, but I feel incredibly guilty thinking about leaving because I know she'll be devastated, and knowing I really could give her and her kids a better life. The problem is, I'd be improving their lives quite possibly at the expense of my own. I don't have a lot of good years left (I'm 48) and I'm just recovering from my own divorce 3 years ago.

    This was my first relationship post-divorce, and it sucked me in and took me on a roller coaster ride. It's been wonderful up to this point. What kills me is I adore this woman, and I actually do like her kids, especially the 2 little ones who are so cute and lovable and full of fun. I never had kids of my own (low sperm count), but this is not the life I wanted. It's just too much. I'm overwhelmed. My head tells me to bail, but my heart tortures me with guilt. Horrible, overwhelming guilt that robs me of my sleep and leaves me unable to even concentrate on anything during the day. I feel trapped when I should be feeling positive. I know, logically that many of my concerns are overstated. I would "only" be directly caring for 2 kids (not 5) but I still have deep misgivings about the whole thing. This could be very sweet domestic bliss or it could all go south easily.

    Should a person always listen to their "gut", or can the gut lead you astray? Any advice welcome!

  2. #2
    Super Moderator Capricorn3's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Wolfe359
    but this is not the life I wanted. It's just too much. I'm overwhelmed. My head tells me to bail, I feel trapped when I should be feeling positive. I still have deep misgivings about the whole thing.

    Should a person always listen to their "gut", or can the gut lead you astray?
    Any advice welcome!
    I say go with your gut. Never, ever, stay in a relationship when you have so many "deep misgivings about the whole thing". When in doubt, DON'T.

  3. #3
    Gold Member Skeptic76's Avatar
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    Are you under some sort of pressure from an ultimatum? Why is it “now...commitment time” in regards to living together?

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    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Rebounds are usually bad choices. She didn't save you from anything. You feel "trapped" and that is all you need to know that this will be a nightmare.

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    Did she ask you directly if they can move in to your place? What did you say to her?
    The next time you talk about it, I suggest try to be really honest with her about how you feel towards the whole moving in situation - your fears, your doubts, worries and all. Lay down your cards. This requires a mature conversation between two adults. If she has genuine feelings for you, she would not take it against you. If it affects your relationship, then maybe its foundations are not yet that solid. Good luck. ^_^

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    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    Break it off. Next time recognize deal breakers and end things sooner.

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    I agree with the others. Staying is not in the best interests of the kids.

  9. #8
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    It sounds like this relationship is one that only works for you when there's no deeper commitment involved. Meaning, you are happy to commit to her as an individual, but not the entire package (kids and so on)

    She will be hurt when you break it off, but I can't see this working out if you try to force yourself into it anyway. The end is coming, whether it's in the near future or two years down the road. The kindest thing you can do here is respectfully part ways.

  10. #9
    Forum Supporter Fudgie's Avatar
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    There is nothing about this situation that says "domestic bliss".

  11. #10
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    Your anxiety is not about moving in per se but about allowing her and her kids further into your life. Obviously her vision for the relationship is different from yours, and you can only keep her at arms length for so long. Even you can keep her from moving in for a while the relationship will not work eventually because you can't be the partner she needs.


    Originally Posted by Wolfe359
    should have bolted right then and there, but she was so sweet and beautiful and sexy
    This is selfish. You can't just take the part of her that you like and keep ignoring the rest. Let her go.

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