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Thread: "We weren't official"

  1. #21

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    Originally Posted by SherrySher
    At the end of the day, Quaver, it truly is up to you what you decide to do. No judgement at all if you do decide to stay with him.

    I'll be the first the hold my hand up to say that people can change. If he has shown to be a good partner, and has been good to you, then it is worth talking it all through and working it out.
    YOU are the one who knows him and has lived with him. So only you can decide if he's worth the risk and if you feel that he will be a good man to you.

    People do make mistakes.
    I just want you to be safe as well. No one wants to be hurt or fooled. Getting help with your issues is a very important thing.
    If you do decide to stay together, you should not only consider having a talk with him but depending on how serious you both are, you may consider counselling together too.
    If he loves you and is truly wanting this to work, he will not only understand but do what he can to make things right.

    No, it's not his fault that you have trust issues, but you've acknowledged that and are working on it. But being as he has now placed doubt in your mind due to his actions, he should do what he can to work things out with you and be understanding.
    Thanks very much.

    It's going to be tough but I am going to try an take it day by day. This has helped, it's made me think about what I need and not what he needs. I will forgive one day but I won't be forgetting. I think we need some work an I will hope for the best.


  2. #22
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    You're taking all the wrong lessons from the advice given. At the end of the day, Wiseman was most correct when he put it bluntly. You get over it or you don't. "Someday I'll forgive, but I won't forget" absolutely screams "hold it over his head, mark an extra tally on my side," etc. Speaking personally, I do find what he did kinda sleazy. I'm all for being a free man or woman until you both agree not to be. Still, it's outside my MO to introduce women to my mother only to bang someone else the next week. Then again, I wasn't introducing women to family until well beyond the point we were exclusive.

    Be that as it may, you dig through 2.5 years of his facebook history? Confront him over something he wasn't in the wrong about whether or not any of us would find it distasteful? Put him in a position he needs to be forgiven after he in fact didn't do anything wrong while you'd just pretty ****in' egregiously invaded his privacy? That you'd even reference your sin in this situation with a joke of "BIG MISTAKE LOL" speaks volumes. Yes, it's bad that he vaguely tried to turn the tables on you. But he had sex with another woman while still getting to know you and you two not being exclusive. You, well into a committed relationship with him, extensively invaded his privacy. Honestly the biggest fault isn't that he came up with a crappy argument to defend himself. It's that he didn't tell you point blank to go kick rocks for what was the only legit breach of trust after you two had committed.

  3. #23
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by j.man
    You're taking all the wrong lessons from the advice given. At the end of the day, Wiseman was most correct when he put it bluntly. You get over it or you don't. "Someday I'll forgive, but I won't forget" absolutely screams "hold it over his head, mark an extra tally on my side," etc. Speaking personally, I do find what he did kinda sleazy. I'm all for being a free man or woman until you both agree not to be. Still, it's outside my MO to introduce women to my mother only to bang someone else the next week. Then again, I wasn't introducing women to family until well beyond the point we were exclusive.

    Be that as it may, you dig through 2.5 years of his facebook history? Confront him over something he wasn't in the wrong about whether or not any of us would find it distasteful? Put him in a position he needs to be forgiven after he in fact didn't do anything wrong while you'd just pretty ****in' egregiously invaded his privacy? That you'd even reference your sin in this situation with a joke of "BIG MISTAKE LOL" speaks volumes. Yes, it's bad that he vaguely tried to turn the tables on you. But he had sex with another woman while still getting to know you and you two not being exclusive. You, well into a committed relationship with him, extensively invaded his privacy. Honestly the biggest fault isn't that he came up with a crappy argument to defend himself. It's that he didn't tell you point blank to go kick rocks for what was the only legit breach of trust after you two had committed.

    OP

    J.man is right here. You had no right looking through his Facebook. And then to be all cutesy about it. Like it wasn't wrong, is pretty self righteous. You're not a parent looking out for your child. You went looking for trouble and you found it.

    Decide whether you forgive and forget or forget this guy. It is not right to hold something over someone's head.

  4. #24
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    What made you look through his Facebook? Were you feeling suspicious about anything? Are you doubting his feelings about you? I don't think he cheated per se if you weren't official. But to be honest after two months if someone you're dating deliberately plans to sleep with someone else while you're out, it sorts of sounds like he "wasn't that into you". I would think that after two months of seeing someone every weekend every week, the person would know if they really like someone. And if you really like someone, you don't generally feel like hooking up with other people because you don't need to. You can just be with the person you really like. Do you feel like maybe you are more head over heels for him than he is for you? I mean, it's been 2.5 years, so maybe now he could be on the same page....

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  6. #25
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    I don't know. I mean, both of them made mistakes. Different timelines, but neither were okay. Weighing the two out though? Looking isn't a crime. I actually support people looking if they have the chance to. You can never be too careful now a days.

    Policing someone, now that's a different story. OP admits to looking at his facebook. But it doesn't sound as though it was an ongoing thing.

    As for the boyfriend, I agree with Tiny in that he more than likely wasn't as into her as she was him, (at least in the beginning). I do however fault hm for lying and for trying to turn the tables and blame her. That's total bs.

    But again this was 2 years ago. Who knows how it's gone between them since. He might be a good partner to her, in which case, the mistake is from the past and should be left there. But not forgotten as it's always good to be cautious.

    I don't rake people over the coals for looking though. People lie, hide things, put peoples health in danger etc.

    My husband and I leave our devices all over the house. Both of us could look if we chose to. Neither of us have anything to hide. Half the time we pick up whatever device is lying there and use it. No one cares.

    If you're that caught up on privacy and hiding things, then why bother being in a relationship? I think people get too high strung over that stuff.

  7. #26
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    Originally Posted by SherrySher
    I don't know. I mean, both of them made mistakes. Different timelines, but neither were okay. Weighing the two out though? Looking isn't a crime. I actually support people looking if they have the chance to. You can never be too careful now a days.

    Policing someone, now that's a different story. OP admits to looking at his facebook. But it doesn't sound as though it was an ongoing thing.

    As for the boyfriend, I agree with Tiny in that he more than likely wasn't as into her as she was him, (at least in the beginning). I do however fault hm for lying and for trying to turn the tables and blame her. That's total bs.

    But again this was 2 years ago. Who knows how it's gone between them since. He might be a good partner to her, in which case, the mistake is from the past and should be left there. But not forgotten as it's always good to be cautious.

    I don't rake people over the coals for looking though. People lie, hide things, put peoples health in danger etc.

    My husband and I leave our devices all over the house. Both of us could look if we chose to. Neither of us have anything to hide. Half the time we pick up whatever device is lying there and use it. No one cares.

    If you're that caught up on privacy and hiding things, then why bother being in a relationship? I think people get too high strung over that stuff.
    I disagree. People are entitled to their privacy. That's OK if your husband and you look at each other's devices. That is your own choice in your marriage. But I feel like most people might disagree with this. In most cases, people aren't hiding anything dodgy on their phone or social media. But that doesn't mean their partner has the right to snoop in their phone, Facebook, etc. It's called violation of privacy.

  8. #27
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    So were you exclusive at the 2 month point? When did you actually agree to become exclusive, if you ever had that conversation?

    Other than agreeing with what's already been said by other posters, I notice that you said you've lost respect for him due to his lying (and rightfully so). I wouldn't stay long in a relationship with someone I don't respect. Can you really trust and respect each other from now on?

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