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Thread: "We weren't official"

  1. #11

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    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    I am very sorry. This sounds excruciating and painful.

    I read and reread your original first post and for the life of me I can't see where he's being disrespectful to you after the fact (in the present time). I would be hurt too if I found out I was so gung ho about someone and then later on found out he didn't quite feel the same at the same time I did way back when.

    The honest truth is that people develop feelings over time and for others it may take longer. He said that he thought you were out with other colleagues. It appears both of you seemed to misunderstand each other at the start.

    I can't tell you whether breaking up is right or wrong but from the little that you have shared here (which I know can seem like a lot because it is so painful), it doesn't sound to me like this warrants a break up. It could be the last straw but this alone? Doesn't sit right with me. I'd be cautious about swinging so far and ending a relationship based on one indiscretion from way back then when things were still new. Will it hurt and sting for awhile, sure. I would have to think about what this person is to me now versus what that thing meant back then.

    Do you have any other issues in the relationship? Do you communicate well otherwise and work well together?
    Thank you.

    It's difficult to think about him with anyone else other than me and it's just that I had to find out bits of information which just makes me hurt all over again.

    I understand that and the last thing I would want to do is break up with him, we've been through so much. We are currently saving for a house together.

    It's just about how I process this and learn to forgive which I don't find easy anyway.

    He suffers with mental health issues as well so I help him with that, we are both in the same boat like that. We work really well together, a lot of laughter and love. That's why this has been so much of a shock.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    How do you know he's not cheated again since then?

  3. #13

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    Originally Posted by JenCrowley
    I'm curious as to why you had such a strong urge to delve so deeply into his personal Facebook account? (I mean, it's been 2.5 years, so you scrolled through 2.5 years worth of posts, messages and such?) Generally speaking, people do this due to lack of trust in their partner, either because their partner has already given them good reason not to trust them, or, because the person has deep-rooted trust issues.

    If your boyfriend has already given you good reason not to trust him (i.e. he lies to you, keeps secrets from you, engages in shady behavior) then he simply isn't the "knight in shining white armor" you so desperately want him to be. If he is untrustworthy, he is not relationship material. One giant red flag that I see in your post is that your boyfriend is giving you different explanations as to why he decided to sleep with someone else. The first explanation was that the two of you were not yet exclusive. The second explanation was that he felt insecure and believed you were sleeping around. A person who tells the truth will always be consistent, their story won't change. My guess is that your boyfriend is telling you whatever it is he believes will get him off the hook. He probably sensed that you weren't buying the "we weren't exclusive" explanation, so then he tried the "I was insecure" explanation, which you clearly aren't buying either.

    My advice? Honestly, this relationship does not seem healthy at all, you clearly do not trust your boyfriend and your boyfriend can't seem to communicate with you honestly and openly. I would advise to cut your losses, continue to seek medical treatment, and get yourself to a place where you are both emotionally and physically healthy. It's unwise to enter into a relationship when you are at a low point in your life, when a person is at a low point their judgment is always clouded and it's very easy to pick someone who isn't a good match.
    Thank you.

    You're right, I have do have trust issues. In the beginning he was always a mystery, he was very private but things were going so well I never questioned it. The first opportunity I got I looked through just to ease my conscious (it wasn't much to scroll through, he doesn't use FB anymore).

    That's what got my back up with it, the excuses. They made no difference to the way I felt about it.

    I understand where you're coming from and appreciate the advice

  4. #14

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    Originally Posted by SherrySher
    How do you know he's not cheated again since then?
    I don't know 100% but, I didn't see anything that has told me otherwise. I can only go off my instinct unfortunately.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Three different thoughts.

    One is that whatever trauma and baggage you are dealing with - you cannot make that any other person's burden. It's on you to resolve and it's between you and a good therapist. You cannot use your partner, your relationship as a balm to fix your past hurt.

    Second is that when you first start dating, expecting an instant relationship, commitment, fidelity, etc will lead to a great deal of pain and disappointment. It's not a reasonable expectation. Getting into a relationship is more like a slow marathon than a sprint and it's certainly not instant. People start out at a different pace and move forward at a different pace from each other. A relationship forms only once you both catch up and start matching your pace.

    Third....is the hard part. What he said, the way he defended this and turned it around on you is really bad. Had he just said something along the lines of still being early dating, being unsure where you two stand or keeping his options open, then I'd say let this go and focus on the relationship you have today. However....he pretty much accused you of being a cheater. What he said is, "I thought you are cheating so I did it too." That's gaslighting and blame shifting all in one....and for that reason....I think you should dump him. Your knight in shining armor has big fat clay feet.

    Bottom line is deal with your baggage before getting into relationships because if you don't, you'll just keep attracting the same bad elements in different forms.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    I don't want to see you and he end up miserable people, okay? Bad endings are never a nice thing. But I am experienced enough to know that red flags are not things that should be ignored.

    It's always great to be sympathetic and try to understand. Even to look inward and to better yourself if you feel that you may need improvements.

    But this is about him and what kind of man he is. If it were as simple as saything, "he just didn't feel as you did and needed time to warm up, etc"...then life would be easy.
    But it is a more complicated scenario than that.
    He was bringing you over to meet his family so that obviously means he was trying to make you feel as though things were quite serious. But he had slept with someone else very recent to those events.
    It does say something about him and about his morals.

    A lot of the time, ignoring red flags can be exactly what comes back up in the future. I again am not saying 100% that it will. however you do need to be cautious.
    He demonstrated lack of control, lack of loyalty and not respecting you or the romance you two had started.
    I agree with you, it's not 'nothing' and it is an upsetting thing to find out.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    Third....is the hard part. What he said, the way he defended this and turned it around on you is really bad. Had he just said something along the lines of still being early dating, being unsure where you two stand or keeping his options open, then I'd say let this go and focus on the relationship you have today. However....he pretty much accused you of being a cheater. What he said is, "I thought you are cheating so I did it too." That's gaslighting and blame shifting all in one....and for that reason....I think you should dump him. Your knight in shining armor has big fat clay feet.
    Yes! Very well said.
    Had he said something to you like " I wasn't sure how I felt in the beginning and made a mistake...or even if he had said "I slept with her due to not being sure what I wanted at the time." Then that would have been heaps better. It is demonstrating accountability, showing responsibility and being honest.
    But how he did it, was sneaky, and turning the tables on you, so that you were to blame for him getting into bed with someone else.
    Those are not good qualities and they are not things that should be ignored.

  9. #18

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    Originally Posted by SherrySher
    I don't want to see you and he end up miserable people, okay? Bad endings are never a nice thing. But I am experienced enough to know that red flags are not things that should be ignored.

    It's always great to be sympathetic and try to understand. Even to look inward and to better yourself if you feel that you may need improvements.

    But this is about him and what kind of man he is. If it were as simple as saything, "he just didn't feel as you did and needed time to warm up, etc"...then life would be easy.
    But it is a more complicated scenario than that.
    He was bringing you over to meet his family so that obviously means he was trying to make you feel as though things were quite serious. But he had slept with someone else very recent to those events.
    It does say something about him and about his morals.

    A lot of the time, ignoring red flags can be exactly what comes back up in the future. I again am not saying 100% that it will. however you do need to be cautious.
    He demonstrated lack of control, lack of loyalty and not respecting you or the romance you two had started.
    I agree with you, it's not 'nothing' and it is an upsetting thing to find out.
    Thank you SherrySher.

    I completely agree, the red flags are important. I was trying to shield myself and I know if I was to end things it would be horrible for me at the minute. I am being selfish and trying to figure out what I want from this relationship but I have definitely lost respect for him with it all. Just the lies, I hate liar's whether that be hiding the truth.

    I just wish he would of said before we were "official", right just before we do this here some things you need to know. It wouldn't of been as hurtful or hard to take.

    I completely agree and thanks again.

  10. #19

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    Originally Posted by SherrySher
    Yes! Very well said.
    Had he said something to you like " I wasn't sure how I felt in the beginning and made a mistake...or even if he had said "I slept with her due to not being sure what I wanted at the time." Then that would have been heaps better. It is demonstrating accountability, showing responsibility and being honest.
    But how he did it, was sneaky, and turning the tables on you, so that you were to blame for him getting into bed with someone else.
    Those are not good qualities and they are not things that should be ignored.
    I agree and trust me I made that very apparent. I said to him, I'm not the one who got into bed with someone... you did!

    He has stopped using these excuses now and understands that he made a mistake. Still doesn't make it okay but I need to focus on what I want and need for myself.

    I've got to be selfish for once.

    Really appreciate your replies btw

  11. #20
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    At the end of the day, Quaver, it truly is up to you what you decide to do. No judgement at all if you do decide to stay with him.

    I'll be the first the hold my hand up to say that people can change. If he has shown to be a good partner, and has been good to you, then it is worth talking it all through and working it out.
    YOU are the one who knows him and has lived with him. So only you can decide if he's worth the risk and if you feel that he will be a good man to you.

    People do make mistakes.
    I just want you to be safe as well. No one wants to be hurt or fooled. Getting help with your issues is a very important thing.
    If you do decide to stay together, you should not only consider having a talk with him but depending on how serious you both are, you may consider counselling together too.
    If he loves you and is truly wanting this to work, he will not only understand but do what he can to make things right.

    No, it's not his fault that you have trust issues, but you've acknowledged that and are working on it. But being as he has now placed doubt in your mind due to his actions, he should do what he can to work things out with you and be understanding.

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