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Thread: Need help, girlfriend advice!

  1. #1
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    Need help, girlfriend advice!

    Hello everyone,

    I have been dating my girlfriend for 1 year and a half. We get along great, sex is great but she suffers with IBS (irritable bowl syndrome). She's had it from before we met and I am not sure if she has a food disorder or its something else like stress.

    Either way her disorder effects everything we do, going out to sitting at home and chilling. Most of the time she's in pain from what she's eaten and doesn't really want to seek help about it, funny thing is we both go to the gym and eat well but she cant stomach a-lot of normal foods and alchohol. When she's in pain, what ever we do turns into a very stressful experience, most of our conversations evolve around what she's eaten or going to eat, sometimes I Feel like I have the disorder! Its very tiresome and getting to the point where I am thinking I don't want to go on holiday with her or do much as 90% of the time she's in pain and isn't very nice and cant keep going over the same food stories, I can't fully explain it but it's something to be experienced. I am very accompanying to her and try and be on her side but if I give her advice she doesn't want to here it.

    Does anyone have a similar experience? Her symptoms aren't getting better so I guess its up to me to decide if I want to continue what we have.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member SarahLancaster's Avatar
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    IBS can be treated with lifestyle changes and medication. Why doesn't she want to seek help?

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    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. Start by not giving her advice. Start by suggesting she see a doctor for advice. Plenty of people with plenty of conditions get along in life and manage enough to have satisfying relationships without making everything about them and their symptoms.

    Unfortunately it seems to have become a power struggle. Sometimes a relationship becomes a threesome. You, her and the elephant in the room that dominates everything. This is what you are seeing. The fact that she seems inert to help herself and instead expects to make this a central theme is troubling in itself.

    The key is to not offer tips, advice, etc and in fact change the subject. Let her eat what she wants, but if she starts talking obsessively about it ask why she won't see a doctor. She also would benefit from a therapist to reduce stress and talk things out.
    Originally Posted by Cenk
    she suffers with IBS (irritable bowl syndrome). if I give her advice she doesn't want to here it..

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    We both are into healthy lifestyle's so I think her issue's stem pretty deep. If I mention to her about seeking help she basically says a doctor can't help and I'm left feeling a bit bewildered by everything and stuck. She thinks she is right and doesn't want my advice but just wants to vent but I can't keep hearing the same thing everyday.

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    I have tried those exact things, stopped with advice and said why not try a medical professional or doctor. I have even said to her about seeing a therapist to vent to as I can't be that person everyday from morning until night. It is a power struggle and its her opinions vs mine when I am trying to be helpful and not pushy with anything.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Yes there s a huge psychological component. Immediately stop giving her advice. You are not a doctor, therapist and doing that is a very unhealthy dynamic. It's a power struggle. Don't listen. Change the subject and repeat that doctors and therapist are the ones to talk to. Then leave, end the conversation, etc. Stop feeding this thing with your tips. If you stop that the power struggle will stop.
    Originally Posted by Cenk
    She thinks she is right and doesn't want my advice but just wants to vent but I can't keep hearing the same thing everyday.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    I know a few people who have IBS as a result of a tainted water scandal where I used to live. It's a real thing, not fake, these people suffer. However, a doctor can help and if your gf will not go to a doctor then there's nothing you can do about it.

    Has she ever been to a doctor and properly diagnosed with it?

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    She has been to a local doctor but she definitely needs a specialist and doesn't want to pursue that path, she can get referred but just doesn't want to.

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    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    Think about it....is this what you expect out of a relationship? Itís been all about her this whole time. Not the quality you should be getting. How could you ever survive marriage or raising children? IMO you are wasting the best years of your life on her misery that she wonít do anything about.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    I agree with smackie. It's not really fair for her not to seek treatment and just expect you deal with her taking it out on you.

    It is a tough situation, because we're basically talking sickness and health, but you never took that vow. We feel pressure to be there for our SO. However, we rarely talk about what our SO owes to us, mainly to behave in a manner that supports us both.

    For example, I will not date a guy that rides a motorcycle without a helmet. It sounds stupid. It's his life. It's not against the law where I live. But if he doesn't have the common sense and desire to protect and preserve his own health, why should I risk being devastated if he crashes? It's just like drug abuse, smoking, alcohol abuse.... Their poor behavior directly effects my happiness.

    I think, if you could find a time, to talk to her, in a way that lets her know, her behavior is holding back the relationship. And ask what does she see the future holding for you as a couple? You will learn a lot.

    I think a true loving and committed couple is a team. Both people share the same values and works towards the same goal. In this case, doing what can be done to be healthy to enjoy life together. Yes, it's her life, but are you in it with her? Or are you just some supporting character that has to watch from the side?

    if she expects you're committed, to being with her while, she basically just suffers without seeking any help, what is she committing to?

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